"Perhaps. My idea is everything or nothing. A life for a life. Take mine, give up thine, and that without regret or turning back. Or else better have nothing."
"Well?" observed Bazarov; "that"s fair terms, and I"m surprised that so far you ... have not found what you wanted."
"And do you think it would be easy to give oneself up wholly to anything whatever?"
"Not easy, if you begin reflecting, waiting and attaching value to yourself, prizing yourself, I mean; but to give oneself up without reflection is very easy."
"How can one help prizing oneself? If I am of no value, who could need my devotion?"
"That"s not my affair; that"s the other"s business to discover what is my value. The chief thing is to be able to devote oneself."
Madame Odintsov bent forward from the back of her chair. "You speak,"
she began, "as though you had experienced all that."
"It happened to come up, Anna Sergyevna; all that, as you know, is not in my line."
"But you could devote yourself?"
"I don"t know. I shouldn"t like to boast."
Madame Odintsov said nothing, and Bazarov was mute. The sounds of the piano floated up to them from the drawing-room.
"How is it Katya is playing so late?" observed Madame Odintsov.
Bazarov got up. "Yes, it is really late now; it"s time for you to go to bed."
"Wait a little; why are you in a hurry?... I want to say one word to you."
"What is it?"
"Wait a little," whispered Madame Odintsov. Her eyes rested on Bazarov; it seemed as though she were examining him attentively.
He walked across the room, then suddenly went up to her, hurriedly said "Good-bye," squeezed her hand so that she almost screamed, and was gone. She raised her crushed fingers to her lips, breathed on them, and suddenly, impulsively getting up from her low chair, she moved with rapid steps towards the door, as though she wished to bring Bazarov back.... A maid came into the room with a decanter on a silver tray.
Madame Odintsov stood still, told her she could go, and sat down again, and again sank into thought. Her hair slipped loose and fell in a dark coil down her shoulders. Long after the lamp was still burning in Anna Sergyevna"s room, and for long she stayed without moving, only from time to time chafing her hands, which ached a little from the cold of the night.
Bazarov went back two hours later to his bed-room with his boots wet with dew, dishevelled and ill-humoured. He found Arkady at the writing-table with a book in his hands, his coat b.u.t.toned up to the throat.
"You"re not in bed yet?" he said, in a tone, it seemed, of annoyance.
"You stopped a long while with Anna Sergyevna this evening," remarked Arkady, not answering him.
"Yes, I stopped with her all the while you were playing the piano with Katya Sergyevna."
"I did not play ..." Arkady began, and he stopped. He felt the tears were coming into his eyes, and he did not like to cry before his sarcastic friend.
CHAPTER XVIII
The following morning when Madame Odintsov came down to morning tea, Bazarov sat a long while bending over his cup, then suddenly he glanced up at her.... She turned to him as though he had struck her a blow, and he fancied that her face was a little paler since the night before. She quickly went off to her own room, and did not appear till lunch. It rained from early morning; there was no possibility of going for a walk. The whole company a.s.sembled in the drawing-room. Arkady took up the new number of a journal and began reading it aloud. The princess, as was her habit, tried to express her amazement in her face, as though he were doing something improper, then glared angrily at him; but he paid no attention to her.
"Yevgeny Va.s.silyitch" said Anna Sergyevna, "come to my room.... I want to ask you.... You mentioned a textbook yesterday ..."
She got up and went to the door. The princess looked round with an expression that seemed to say, "Look at me; see how shocked I am!" and again glared at Arkady; but he raised his voice, and exchanging glances with Katya, near whom he was sitting, he went on reading.
Madame Odintsov went with rapid steps to her study. Bazarov followed her quickly, not raising his eyes, and only with his ears catching the delicate swish and rustle of her silk gown gliding before him. Madame Odintsov sank into the same easy-chair in which she had sat the previous evening, and Bazarov took up the same position as before.
"What was the name of that book?" she began, after a brief silence.
"Pelouse et Fremy, _Notions generales_," answered Bazarov. "I might though recommend you also Ganot, _Traite elementaire de physique experimentale_. In that book the ill.u.s.trations are clearer, and in general it"s a text-book."
Madame Odintsov stretched out her hand. "Yevgeny Va.s.silyitch, I beg your pardon, but I didn"t invite you in here to discuss text-books. I wanted to continue our conversation of last night. You went away so suddenly.... It will not bore you ..."
"I am at your service, Anna Sergyevna. But what were we talking about last night?"
Madame Odintsov flung a sidelong glance at Bazarov.
"We were talking of happiness, I believe. I told you about myself. By the way, I mentioned the word "happiness." Tell me why it is that even when we are enjoying music, for instance, or a fine evening, or a conversation with sympathetic people, it all seems an intimation of some measureless happiness existing apart somewhere rather than actual happiness--such, I mean, as we ourselves are in possession of? Why is it? Or perhaps you have no feeling like that?"
"You know the saying, "Happiness is where we are not,"" replied Bazarov; "besides, you told me yesterday you are discontented. I certainly never have such ideas come into my head."
"Perhaps they seem ridiculous to you?"
"No; but they don"t come into my head."
"Really? Do you know, I should very much like to know what you do think about?"
"What? I don"t understand."
"Listen; I have long wanted to speak openly to you. There"s no need to tell you--you are conscious of it yourself--that you are not an ordinary man; you are still young--all life is before you. What are you preparing yourself for? What future is awaiting you? I mean to say--what object do you want to attain? What are you going forward to?
What is in your heart? in short, who are you? What are you?"
"You surprise me, Anna Sergyevna. You are aware that I am studying natural science, and who I ..."
"Well, who are you?"
"I have explained to you already that I am going to be a district doctor."
Anna Sergyevna made a movement of impatience.
"What do you say that for? You don"t believe it yourself. Arkady might answer me in that way, but not you."
"Why, in what is Arkady ..."
"Stop! Is it possible you could content yourself with such a humble career, and aren"t you always maintaining yourself that you don"t believe in medicine? You--with your ambition--a district doctor! You answer me like that to put me off, because you have no confidence in me. But, do you know, Yevgeny Va.s.silyitch, that I could understand you; I have been poor myself, and ambitious, like you; I have been perhaps through the same trials as you."