As light began to bleed in, its manifestation was so subtle that it took me a while to notice. I could not see and then I could see, and 1 did not discern the moment when that changed. My fear was dwindling, fading away with the darkness. We are all energy after all, I thought. There"s nothing to us but s.p.a.ce and power. Our thoughts are an illusion, and the world around us even more so.
An illusion...
"Where is that that coming from?" I whispered, and my voice was curiously light. Those ideas, those images and concepts, all so unlike me. Given time perhaps I could have thought them, but it had only been a while since I had left the city, only a while. coming from?" I whispered, and my voice was curiously light. Those ideas, those images and concepts, all so unlike me. Given time perhaps I could have thought them, but it had only been a while since I had left the city, only a while.
He should have never left me alone...
I heard Scott calling my name. His voice floated to me from afar, nebulous and ambiguous, and it could have been a breeze drifting through the tunnels from above. I made out carved symbols on the walls, recognized them from our journey down here. In the bluish light issuing from my skin, eyes and mouth, the ancient words were beginning to make some kind of sense.
I heard Scott again from up ahead, but his voice was fainter now, fading, retreating somewhere and some place lost to me forever.
Voices rose behind me to call me back, and sounds, and the noises of a city coming to life.
At last I could hear the dead.
White
One - The color of blood
We found the first body two days before Christmas.
Charley had been out gathering sticks to dry for tinder. She had worked her way through the wild garden and down toward the cliffs, scooping snow from beneath and around bushes and bagging whatever dead twigs she found there. There were no signs, she said. No disturbances in the virgin surface of the snow, no tracks, no warning. Nothing to prepare her for the scene of b.l.o.o.d.y devastation she stumbled across.
She had rounded a big boulder and seen the red splash in the snow, which was all that remained of a human being. The shock froze her comprehension. The reality of the scene struggled to imprint itself on her mind. Then, slowly, what she was looking at finally registered.
She ran back screaming. She"d only recognized her boyfriend by what was left of his shoes.
We were in the dining room trying to make sense of the last few weeks when Charley burst in. We spent a lot of time doing that: talking together in the big living rooms of the manor; in pairs, crying and sharing warmth; or alone, staring into darkening skies and struggling to discern a meaning in the infinite. I was one of those more usually alone. I"d been an only child and contrary to popular belief, my upbringing had been a nightmare. I always thought my parents blamed me for the fact that they could not have any more children, and instead of enjoying and reveling in my own childhood, I spent those years watching my mother and father mourn the ghosts of unborn offspring. It would have been funny if it were not so sad.
Charley opened the door by falling into it. She slumped to the floor, hair plastered across her forehead, her eyes two bright sparks peering between the knotted strands. Caked snow fell from her boots and speckled the timber floor, dirtied into slush. The first thing I noticed was its pinkish tinge.
The second thing I saw was the blood covering Charley"s hands.
"Charley!" Hayden jumped to his feet and almost caught the frantic woman before she hit the deck. He went down with her, sprawling in a sudden puddle of dirt and tears. He saw the blood then and backed away automatically. "Charley?"
"Get some towels," Ellie said, always the pragmatist, "and a f.u.c.king gun."
I"d seen people screaming-all my life I"d never for-gotten Jayne"s final hours-but I had never seen someone actually beyond beyond the point of screaming. Charley gasped and clawed at her throat, trying to open it up and let out the pain and the shock trapped within. It was not exertion that had stolen her breath; it was whatever she had seen. She told us what that was. the point of screaming. Charley gasped and clawed at her throat, trying to open it up and let out the pain and the shock trapped within. It was not exertion that had stolen her breath; it was whatever she had seen. She told us what that was.
I went with Ellie and Brand. Ellie had a shotgun cradled in the crook of her arm, a bobble hat hiding her severely short hair, her face all hard. There was no room in her life for compliments, but right now she was the one person in the manor I"d choose to be with. She"d been all for trying to make it out alone on foot; I was so glad that she eventually decided to stay.
Brand muttered all the way. "Oh f.u.c.k, oh s.h.i.t, what are we doing coming out here? Like those crazy girls in slasher movies, you know? Always chasing the bad guys instead of running from them? Asking to get their throats cut? Oh man..."
In many ways I agreed with him. According to Charley there was little left of Boris to recover, but she could have been wrong. We owed it to him to find out. However harsh the conditions, whatever the likelihood of his murderer-animal or human-still being out here, we could not leave Boris lying dead in the snow. Apply whatever levels of civilization, foolish custom or superiority complex you like, it just wasn"t done.
Ellie led the way across the manor"s front garden and out onto the coastal road. The whole landscape was hidden beneath snow, like old sheet-covered furniture awaiting the homecoming of long-gone owners.
I wondered who would ever make use of this land again-who would be left to bother when the snow finally did melt-but that train of thought led only to depression.
We crossed the flat area of the road, following Charley"s earlier footprints in the deep snow; even and distinct on the way out, chaotic on the return journey. As if she"d had something following her.
She had. We all saw what had been chasing her when we slid and clambered down toward the cliffs, veering behind the big rock that signified the beginning of the coastal path. The sight of Boris opened up and spread across the snow had pursued her all the way, and was probably still snapping at her heels now. The smell of his insides slowly cooling under an indifferent sky. The sound of his frozen blood crackling under foot.
Ellie hefted the gun, holding it waist high, ready to fire in an instant. Her breath condensed in the air before her, coming slightly faster than moments before. She glanced at the torn-up Boris, then surveyed our surroundings, looking for whoever had done this. East and west along the coast, down toward the cliff edge, up to the lip of rock above us, east and west again; Ellie never looked back down at Boris.
I did. I couldn"t keep my eyes off what was left of him. It looked as though something big and powerful had held him up to the rock, sc.r.a.ped and twisted him there for a while, and then calmly had taken him apart across the snow-covered path. Spray patterns of blood stood out brighter than their surroundings. Every speck was visible and there were many specks, thousands of them spread across a ten-meter area. I tried to find a recognizable part of him, but all that was even vaguely identifiable as human was a hand, stuck to the rock in a mess of frosty blood, fingers curled in like the legs of a dead spider. The wrist was tattered, the bone splintered. It had been snapped, not cut.
Brand pointed out a shoe on its side in the snow. "f.u.c.k, Charley was right. Just his shoes left. Miserable b.a.s.t.a.r.d always wore the same shoes."
I"d already seen the shoe. It was still mostly full. Boris had not been a miserable b.a.s.t.a.r.d. He was introspective, thoughtful, sensitive, sincere-qualities Brand would never recognize as anything other than sourness. Brand was as thick as s.h.i.t and twice as unpleasant.
The silence seemed to press in around me. Silence, and cold, and a raw smell of meat, and the sea chanting from below. I was surrounded by everything.
"Let"s get back," I said. Ellie glanced at me and nodded.
"But what about-" Brand started, but Ellie cut in without even looking at him.
"You want to make b.l.o.o.d.y s...o...b..a.l.l.s, go ahead. There"s not much to take back. We"ll maybe come again later. Maybe."
"What did this?" I said, feeling reality start to shimmy past the shock I"d been gripped by for the last couple of minutes. "Just what the h.e.l.l?"
Ellie backed up to me and glanced at the rock, then both ways along the path. "I don"t want to find out just yet," she said.
Later, alone in my room, I would think about exactly what Ellie had meant. I don"t want to find out just yet I don"t want to find out just yet, she had said, implying that the perpetrator of Boris"s demise would be revealed to us soon. I"d hardly known Boris, quiet guy that he was, and his fate was just another line in the strange composition of death that had overcome the whole country during the last few weeks.
Charley and I were here in the employment of the Department of the Environment. Our brief was to keep a check on the radiation levels in the Atlantic Drift, since things had gone to s.h.i.t in South America and the dirty reactors began to melt down in Brazil. It was a bad job with hardly any pay, but it gave us somewhere to live. The others had tagged along for differing reasons; friends and lovers of friends, all taking the opportunity to get away from things for a while and chill out in the wilds of Cornwall.
But then things went to s.h.i.t here as well. On TV, minutes before it had ceased broadcasting for good, someone called it the ruin.
Then it had started to snow.
Hayden had taken Charley upstairs, still trying to quell her hysteria. We had no medicines other than aspirin and cough mixtures, but there were a hundred bottles of wine in the cellar. It seemed that Hayden had already poured most of a bottle down Charley"s throat by the time the three of us arrived back at the manor. Not a good idea, I thought-I could hardly imagine what ghosts a drunken Charley would see, what terrors her alcohol-induced dreams held in store for her once she was finally left on her own-but it was not my place to say.
Brand stormed in and with his usual subtlety painted a picture of what we"d seen. "Boris"s guts were just everywhere, hanging on the rock, spread over the snow. Melted in, like they were still hot when he was being cut up. What the f.u.c.k would do that? Eh? Just what the f.u.c.k?"
"Who did it?" Rosalie, our resident paranoid, asked.
I shrugged. "Can"t say."
"Why not?"
"Not won"t," I said. "Can"t. Can"t tell. There"s not too much left to tell by, as Brand has so eloquently revealed."
Ellie stood before the open fire and held out her hands, palms up, as if asking for something. A touch of emotion, I mused, but then my thoughts were often cruel.
"Ellie?" Rosalie demanded an answer.
Ellie shrugged. "We can rule out suicide." n.o.body responded.
I went through the kitchen and opened the back door. We were keeping our beer on a shelf in the rear conservatory now that the electricity had gone off. There was a generator, but not enough fuel to run it for more than an hour every day. We agreed that hot water was a priority for that meager time, so the fridge was now extinct.
I surveyed my choices: Stella, a few final cans of Caffreys, Boddingtons. That had been Jayne"s favorite. She"d drunk it in pints, inevitably doing a bad impression of some mustachioed actor after the first creamy sip. I could still see her sparkling eyes as she tried to think of someone new... I grabbed a Caffreys and shut the back door, and it was as the latch clicked home that I started to shake.
I"d seen a dead man five minutes ago, a man I"d been talking to the previous evening, drinking with, chatting about what the h.e.l.l had happened to the world, making inebriated plans of escape, knowing all the time that the snow had us trapped here like chickens surrounded by a fiery moat. Boris had been quiet but thoughtful, the most intelligent person here at the manor. It had been his idea to lock the doors to many of the rooms because we never used them, and any heat we managed to generate should be kept in the rooms we did use. He had suggested a long walk as the snow had begun in earnest and it had been our prevarication and, I admit, our arguing that had kept us here long enough for it to matter. By the time Boris had persuaded us to make a go of it, the snow was three feet deep. Five miles and we"d be dead. Maximum. The nearest village was ten miles away.
He was dead. Something had taken him apart, torn him up, ripped him to pieces. I was certain that there had been no cutting involved as Brand had suggested. And yes, his bits did look melted into the snow. Still hot when they struck the surface, b.l.o.o.d.ying it in death. Still alive and beating as they were taken out.
I sat at the kitchen table and held my head in my hands. Jayne had said that this would hold all the good thoughts in and let the bad ones seep through your fingers, and sometimes it seemed to work. Now it was just a comfort, like the hands of a lover kneading hope into flaccid muscles, or fear from tense ones.
It could not work this time. I had seen a dead man. And there was nothing we could do about it. We should be telling someone, but over the past few months any sense of "relevant authorities" had fast faded away, just as Jayne had two years before; faded away to agony, then confusion and then to nothing. n.o.body knew what had killed her. Growths on her chest and stomach. Bad blood. Life.
I tried to open the can, but my fingers were too cold to slip under the ring-pull. I became frustrated, then angry, and eventually in my temper I threw the can to the floor. It struck the flagstones and one edge split, sending a fine yellowish spray of beer across the old kitchen cupboards. 1 cried out at the waste. It was a feeling I was becoming more than used to.
"Hey," Ellie said. She put one hand on my shoulder and removed it before 1 could shrug her away. "They"re saying we should tell someone."
"Who?" I turned to look at her, unashamed of my tears. Ellie was a hard b.i.t.c.h. Maybe they made me more of a person than she.
She raised one eyebrow and pursed her lips. "Brand thinks the army. Rosalie thinks the Fairy Underground."
I scoffed. "Fairy-f.u.c.king-Underground. Stupid cow."
"She can"t help being like that. You ask me, it makes her more suited to how it"s all turning out."
"And how"s that, exactly?" I hated Ellie sometimes, all her stronger-than-thou talk and steely eyes. But she was also the person I respected the most in our pathetic little group. Now that Boris had gone.
"Well," she said, "for a start, take a look at how we"re all reacting to this. Shocked, maybe. Horrified. But it"s almost like it was expected."
"It"s all been going to s.h.i.t," I said, but I did not need to continue. We had all known that we were not immune to the rot settling across society, nature, the world. Eventually it would find us. We just had not known when.
"There is the question of who did it," she said quietly.
"Or what."
She nodded. "Or what."
For now, we left it at that.
"How"s Charley?"
"I was just going to see," Ellie said. "Coming?" was just going to see," Ellie said. "Coming?"
1 nodded and followed her from the room. The beer had stopped spraying and now fizzled into sticky rivulets where the flags joined. I was still thirsty.
Charley looked bad. She was drunk, that was obvious, and she had been sick down herself, and she had wet herself. Hayden was in the process of trying to mop up the mess when we knocked and entered.
"How is she?" Ellie asked pointlessly.
"How do you think?" He did not even glance at us as he tried to hold on to the babbling, crying, laughing and puking Charley.
"Maybe you shouldn"t have given her so much to drink," Ellie said. Hayden sent her daggers but did not reply.
Charley struggled suddenly in his arms, ranting and shouting at the shaded candles in the corners of the room.
"What"s that?" I said. "What"s she saying?" For some reason it sounded important, like a solution to a problem encoded by grief.
"She"s been saying some stuff," Hayden said loudly, so we could hear above Charley"s slurred cries. "Stuff about Boris. Seeing angels in the snow. She says his angels came to get him."
"Some angels," Ellie muttered.
"You go down," Hayden said. "I"ll stay here with her." He wanted us gone, that much was obvious, so we did not disappoint him.
Downstairs, Brand and Rosalie were hanging around the mobile phone. It had sat on the mantelpiece for the last three weeks like a gun without bullets, ugly and useless. Every now and then someone would try it, receiving only a crackling nothing in response. Random numbers, recalled numbers, numbers held in the phone"s memory, all came to naught. Gradually it was tried less-every unsuccessful attempt had been more depressing.
"What?" I said.
Trying to call someone," Brand said. "Police. Someone."
"So they can come to take fingerprints?" Ellie flopped into one of the old armchairs and began picking at its upholstery, widening a hole she"d been plucking at for days. "Any replies?"
Brand shook his head.
"We"ve got to do something," Rosalie said. "We can"t just sit here while Boris is lying dead out there."
Ellie said nothing. The telephone hissed its amus.e.m.e.nt. Rosalie looked to me. There"s nothing we can do," I said. "Really, there"s not much to collect. If we did bring his... bits... back here, what would we do?"
"Bury..." Rosalie began.
"Three feet of snow? Frozen ground?"
"And the things," Brand said. The phone crackled again and he turned it off.
"What things?"
Brand looked around our small group. "The things Boris said he"d seen."
Boris had mentioned nothing to me. In our long, drunken talks, he had never talked of any angels in the snow. Upstairs, I"d thought that it was simply Charley drunk and mad with grief, but now that Brand had said it too I had the distinct feeling I was missing out on something. I was irked, and upset at feeling irked.
Things?" Rosalie said, and I closed my eyes. Oh f.u.c.k, don"t tell her Oh f.u.c.k, don"t tell her, I willed at Brand. She"d regale us with stories of secret societies and messages in the clouds, disease-makers who were wiping out the inept and the crippled, the barren and the intellectually inadequate. Jayne had been sterile, so we"d never had kids. The last thing I needed was another one of Rosalie"s mad ravings about how my wife had died, why she"d died, who had killed her.
Luckily, Brand seemed of like mind. Maybe the joint he"d lit had stewed him into silence at last. He turned to the fire and stared into its dying depths, sitting on the edge of the seat as if wondering whether to feed it some more. The stack of logs was running low.