"It"s been longer for me." I changed the subject. "It"s nice having company." I was still sitting up, my knees against my chest.
"Hmm..." He said, like he wasn"t sure how to reply to that.
"What are you afraid of?" I didn"t look at him. I just stared down at the half-eaten coyote body. It seemed morbid. He might have been the last coyote on this dead planet and we just caused the extinction of an endangered species. h.e.l.l, at this point, I was an endangered species-survival of the fittest. It was starting to smell. I blamed the uncooked side and thought about dragging it back to the cave entrance.
"What exactly are you asking?" His tone was devoid of emotion.
"You seem hesitant to open up to me in the least bit. Anytime I ask a semi-serious question, you laugh it off, change the subject, or ignore it all together." I wished I had Teffy right about then. I didn"t want this to turn into an argument, but it seemed I didn"t have a choice.
"I don"t know what you"re talking about, and besides, it"s none of your business."
This man was exasperating and quickly p.i.s.sing me off.
"Well, at least give me your name."
"No, Blondie. Leave it."
"Why? Tell me."
"I said it"s none of your business." Okay, he was getting angry. I hate that I had to go and ruin our perfectly good meal, but I couldn"t help that I was curious; I wanted to understand him better.
"I"m tired of thinking of a stupid gas station every time I say your name. I want your real one." I stood up and looked down at him.
"I"m positive I said that I don"t do names. Leave it at that." He turned away from me, but I didn"t miss the fact that his face was turning red with anger.
"I noticed. By the way, my name is Elle. Elle Stevens, to be exact. What"s yours? John? James? Brian? William? Peter? Steven? Say when, Tex."
"Stop." He stood up and walked deeper into the cave where the coyote came from. I followed him.
"You"re not running away. Stop hiding already. You have the right to your own secrets, but if we"re going to be friends, if we"re going to try to live together for a while, you"re going to have to let me in. There"s no better way to start than telling me your name."
"Go away, Blondie." He stopped. Darkness surrounded us; it was thick and inky. I almost ran into the back of him, and before I knew it, I was flat against the cave wall. The jagged rocks dug into my back. Tex"s hand was against my chest, pinning me. I couldn"t move without the crags digging deeper and more painfully into my back. I showed no fear.
"I want to help you." I rested a hand on his forearm. "Just let me."
"We have to go if we"re going to make it to the next safepoint in time."
"Fine, but at least tell me why you won"t tell me your name." I didn"t know why this mattered to me so much, but it did. He was my friend and I had this desperate, innate need to protect and heal my friends. It had always been that way. It may have been in hibernation the last four years, but it just came back in full force.
He was silent for several seconds and then said, "Because it was the last thing out of her mouth." He walked right by me, packed his things, and waited for me at the entrance. "And I don"t want it to be the last thing out of your mouth or anyone else"s."
Night had come and so had his first confession.
[ Tex ]
I was furious. I was full to the brim with memories I refused to remember. They threatened to spill over and weaken me, but I wouldn"t allow it, especially in front of someone I had just met. I was p.i.s.sed at myself for giving away as much as I had. It was none of her d.a.m.ned business. That didn"t seem to faze her a bit though. She was clawing at my barriers, desperate to save me. I didn"t need saving, and if I did, I had no desire to be.
With around an hour left until sunrise, we were almost to the next safepoint. The kid had stopped nagging me and I greatly appreciated it.
"Tex?" She had been trailing behind me since we left, giving me the s.p.a.ce I needed to reflect. After giving her that little tidbit of information earlier, I thought it would have been bombs away with the inquisition. I heard her pick up her pace until she was walking beside me. I pretended to be looking down at the map. "I"m sorry about ha.s.sling you earlier."
"Don"t worry. There"s no point in holding grudges." I rolled up the map; there were only a couple of miles left to go.
"Who was it?"
I spoke too soon. I knew what she was talking about and I ran my hand over my head. She was right about that. I did it again because I could. Maybe what I was going through was what she went through. I could tell that it hurt her to tell me her parents were dead and the fact that she believed it to be her fault was a whole other story. It was as if just saying the words aloud made it real and she didn"t want it to be real. When she said it though, it seemed as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, like she could finally lay her parents to rest and be the person she used to be.
That was it. Was this an epiphany? Maybe I was in the same dilemma she was and I had to see her go through a similar situation to realize it. I didn"t want to lay them to rest though. I refused to let them go; if I did, I would have to admit to myself that I wasn"t able to save them, that they were gone for good. I knew it wasn"t directly my fault that they died, but I also didn"t save them. I should have been able to. I should have tried harder.
The same moon was reflecting the same sun, blanketing the desert with the same shy light, dulling the stars in the same sky. The dirt we walked on was the same rocky stuff that had been there for centuries. Nothing was changing around me and it made my life so incredibly mundane. I needed a change and I couldn"t believe it took this kid and her incessant bugging to realize it.
"My wife." I answered and something lifted. I felt lighter.
"I"m so sorr-"
"And my daughter."
Chapter 7.
[ Elle ]
I stopped so abruptly that dust sprang up, whirled around my legs, and softly fell back to the ground. I was choking on words I hadn"t even thought of to say yet. I absently looked down at my arms; there was a splotch of blood in the curve of my elbow I had missed while cleaning. What could I say to that? I knew anything said to me about losing my parents wouldn"t have helped. It"s just nice to know that someone cares.
"I"m so...so sorry." I wished I was an eloquent speaker. Sorry could never express how I truly felt about his situation.
He was a father. He didn"t have his daughter any longer, but he"d always be a dad. Suddenly the last few days flashed back to me: his playfulness, his desire to heal my wounds, the empty look in his eyes. I recalled him poking me and tugging my braid. It made so much sense now-he wasn"t just patronizing me because of my height like I had originally thought. I imagined his daughter and how he probably acted with her-a little girl on his shoulders, her arms wrapped around his head, giggling with delight. I envisioned him tossing her into the air before catching her, a grin on both of their faces.
And his wife. He was a widow. Something panged in my chest. He had loved a woman so completely that they"d married and had a child. He was a family man and everything I had learned about him thus far proved opposite of that fact. He hadn"t always been hiding behind his self-erected barrier. I suspected the loss of them had caused him to build that st.u.r.dy, unbreakable wall.
Tex had stopped several yards ahead of me. His back was to me. I wanted to see his face. Would his barriers still be up? How long would he continue to barricade himself behind them? I slowly made my way over to him; I was afraid of what I might find.
"Stop." He didn"t move.
I was so close to him I could hear his breathing. It was labored. Was he crying? Maybe he didn"t want me to see him that weak. I chewed on my bottom lip. I wanted so badly to help him.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I hesitated between each word, wishing more than anything that he"d say yes.
"What the f.u.c.k do you think?" That smarted. He rubbed his face, sighed, and said, "I"m sorry."
"I only want to help and try to understand." I reached for him, but dropped my hand back down to my side.
"Blondie," he groaned with frustration, "I don"t want these memories to resurface."
"I found that ignoring them is worse." I gathered my courage and placed my hand against his shoulder blade.
He dropped to the ground, kneeling. I followed suit and knelt across from him. I cupped my hands over his knees. He recoiled at my proximity and touch, but I didn"t move. He had to realize that I was there to help, not to emotionally maim him. He looked at the moon and I knew he was mentally estimating how much time until sunrise.
He must have decided we weren"t in any real peril. "My wife"s name was Sarah and our daughter was Danielle. It happened when the tsunami hit."
I sucked in my breath, holding it. My parents" faces flashed before my eyes.
"We were in our house, but the waves practically demolished it. Sarah was holding Danielle when it hit. She was four and still in the stage of constantly wanting to be held by her mom. Anyway," he continued, "the sun had just disappeared behind the horizon, so it was still light, but not deadly."
"Thank G.o.d," I murmured Tex snorted. "Yeah, thank G.o.d for bringing that man over to our direction. Thank G.o.d that he decided to use my wife and daughter as his own personal floatation device. He dragged them down, drowning them, without an ounce of regret on his face."
My hand planted itself over my mouth in a very dramatic manner.
"If he suffered, then and only then, I"ll thank G.o.d."
"I hope you don"t blame yourself." I frowned and without thought, reached for his face.
"Stop touching me! You are always touching me!" He got to his feet so abruptly that I fell back onto my b.u.t.t. He started walking again.
I didn"t apologize and followed behind him.
He cleared his throat. He was going to answer my question after all. "I tried my hardest to swim towards them, but the current was too fast and strong."
"Then it"s not your fault."
"I never said it was."
"True, but that"s what you believe."
"Why do you think that?"
"It"s obvious, isn"t it?" I caught up to him. My shoulder accidentally brushed against his arm. "You refuse to open up to me. You try, but you can"t seem to get pa.s.sed that barrier you built up, not just around yourself, but me as well. You"re afraid that if we become close, something will happen to me and you"ll blame yourself for not being able to save me." This time I purposely brushed against him. "I think that"s also why you won"t tell me your name. It"ll mean that we have some sort of relationship rather than being strangers. You don"t want to have to care for someone in case you lose them."
He was silent for a while. He knew I was right and he didn"t know what to say.
"I"m not like you, Blondie. Admitting aloud that they"re dead won"t suddenly free me from my guilty binds."
"No, but it"s a start." I stuck my hand in my pocket and found my forgotten pack of gum. I handed him a piece. He took it.
"So, what do you want from me exactly?" He unwrapped the foil from around the gum, dropping the wrapper on the ground.
"I want you to be okay. I hate seeing you so closed up. We can talk and joke, but at the same time, I feel it"s just a facade. I want to see the real you free of all these, as you call them, binds. I want us to be friends. I want to be able to call you something besides Tex. I feel like you should be wearing a cowboy hat and chaps."
He barked out laughter. It was a beautiful thing to hear. Tex shoved the gum between his lips and began to chew.
"You"re not going to tell me your name, are you?" I frowned; my voice was mopey and I felt defeated.
"Nope," he smiled. I saw his jaw muscles contract as he chewed.
"Well," I exhaled. "At least be more open to me. Be yourself."
"I"ll try." He spit out the gum. "That s.h.i.t"s nasty."
I laughed, but continued to chew on my piece. "That"s all I ask for."
We reached the next safepoint with a few hours to spare. It was practically identical to the last, sans a coyote. Tex excavated the supply box from the ground and it had all the same items in it. We each devoured two MREs and I shared a bag of stale sour cream and onion chips.
I laid out the blanket, which thankfully was a little bit thicker and softer this time. I took a seat and unbraided my hair. Without my brush, I had to use my fingers, so I combed them through my hair until I was satisfied with the results. I quickly glanced in Tex"s direction and caught him watching me. I wasn"t sure why he found me untangling my hair interesting, but to each their own I supposed.
Tex sat down on the very edge of the blanket. Again. He was rifling through his bag when he pulled out a deck of cards and waved it in the air, teasing me with them.
"You have no idea how sick I am of playing cards." I groaned.
"You"re going to forfeit before I even propose a challenge?" He crawled over and sat cross-legged in front of me. Our knees almost touched. I was surprised because that was the closest he had ever willingly got.
"Tex," I snorted. "I already know I"m going to win, so before you even ask, I just want you to know you"re committing suicide."
"What makes you so sure, Blondie?"
"Well, it"s probably the fact that I"ve lived alone for almost five years and had nothing but playing cards and board games to keep me busy. I"ve perfected my skills."
He laughed and started to deal the cards. "If you are constantly playing yourself-the same skill level every time-then you"ll never improve."
I frowned and gestured towards the cards. "Well?"
"The name of the game is War."
"Really, Tex? War?"
"Got a problem with that?"
I shrugged and picked up my stack of cards, placing my thumb on the top one. "No, but you will."
Tex"s stack of cards dwindled down to just a few, while I had about ninety-eight percent of the deck. I was about to take his final card-a two-with my queen, when the world around us began to shake.
I remembered the small earthquakes we"d get in San Diego years ago. The biggest I"d ever experienced before this world went to h.e.l.l was probably a 5.0, but this was well beyond that. This was a breed of its own, beyond even the tremors that had produced the tsunami. The jolts were so violent that I began to toss and turn on the earthen floor. The cave walls cracked in a hundred tiny fissures until sharp stone pieces started to break away from the ceiling and fall to the ground around us.
"s.h.i.t!" Tex yelled over the deafening noise. I watched him grab his backpack and hold it over his head. I went to do the same, but was unfortunately too late; a falling rock rocketed at my head, knocking me off balance. I fell onto my b.u.t.t and instinctively pressed my hand against the offending pain the stone caused. I felt something warm and sticky.
"c.r.a.p," I winced as I pulled my hand back, examining the red mess.
"Holy s.h.i.t! Are you okay?" He held his backpack over me, leaving him wide open.
I felt a little dizzy, but didn"t admit to it. I shoved his bag away and replaced it with my own. I felt impact after impact against it. We were both standing now and it took everything I had to keep my balance. Even then, I lost it a few times.
The tremors didn"t stop or slow down-they increased. This seemed to cause the cracks in the wall to shift, breaking apart the entire cave.