"I mean really doing something wrong. To somebody else. To save yourself." She stopped. I didn"t answer her, and she didn"t say anything more for a long time. "I know about the admin," she said finally.
I couldn"t have been more surprised if Old Scut Moulton had suddenly shouted, "Bless you, my daughter," over the intercom.
"You"re a good person, I can tell that." There was a dreamy quality to her voice. If it had been anybody but her I"d have thought she was masting. "There are things you wouldn"t do, not even to save yourself."
"And you"re a hardened criminal, I suppose?"
"There are things you wouldn"t do," she repeated sleepily and then said quite clearly and irrelevantly "My sister"s coming for Christmas."
Jiggin", she was full of surprises tonight. "I thought you were going home for Christmas," I said.
"I"m never going home," she said.
"Tavvy!" Arabel shouted halfway across campus. "h.e.l.lo!"
The boys are over it, I thought, and how in the scut am I going to get rid of this alert band? I felt so relieved I could have cried.
"Tavvy," she said again. "I haven"t seen you in weeks!"
"What"s going on?" I asked her, wondering why she didn"t just blurt it out about the boys in her usual breakneck fashion.
"What do you mean?" she said, wide-eyed, and I knew it wasn"t the boys. They still had the tessels, Brown and Sept and all the rest of them. They still had the tessels. It"s only beasties, I told myself fiercely, it"s only beasties and why are you so edge about it? Your father has your best interests at heart. Come to Daddy.
"The admin"s secretary quit," Arabel said, "I got put on restricks for a samurai party in my room." She shrugged. "It was the best offer I"d had all fall."
Oh, but you"re trust, Arabel. You"re trust. He could be your father. Come to Papa.
"You look terrible," Arabel said. "Are you doing too much float?"
I shook my head. "Do you know what it is the boys do with them?"
"Tavvy, sweetheart, if you can"t figure out what that big pink hole is for-"
"My roommate"s father cut her hair off," I said. "She"s a virgie. She"s never done anything. He cut off all her hair."
"Hey," Arabel said, "you are really edging it. Listen, how long have you been without jig-jig? I can set you up, younger guys than the admin, nothing to worry about. Guaranteed no trusters. I could set you up."
I shook my head. "I don"t want any."
"Listen, I"m worried about you. I don"t want you to go edge on me. Let me ask the admin about your alert band at least."
"No," I said clearly. "I"m all right, Arabel. I"ve got to get to cla.s.s."
"Don"t let this tessel thing get to you, Tavvy. It"s only beasties."
"Yeah." I walked steadily away from her across the spitting, leaf-littered campus. As soon as I was out of her line of sight, I slumped against one of the giant cottonwoods and hung on to it like Zibet had clung to that wallplate. For dear life.
Zibet didn"t say another thing about her sister until right before Christmas break. Her hair, which I had thought was growing out, looked choppier than ever. The old look of strain was back and getting worse every day. She looked like a radiation victim.
I wasn"t looking that good myself. I couldn"t sleep, and float gave me headaches that lasted a week. The alert band started a rash that had worked its way halfway up my arm. And Arabel was right. I was going edge. I couldn"t get the tessels off my mind. If you"d asked me last summer what I thought of beasties, I"d have said it was great fun for everyone, especially the animals. Now the thought of Brown with that hideous little brown and pink thing on his arm was enough to make me toss up. I keep thinking about your father. If it"s the trust thing you"re worried about, I can find out for you. He has your best interests at heart. Come to Papa.
My lawyers hadn"t succeeded in convincing the admin to let me go to Aspen for Christmas, or anywhere else. They"d managed to w.a.n.gle full privileges as soon as everybody was gone, but not to get the alert band off. I figured if my dorm mother got a good look at what it was doing to my arm, though, she"d let me have it off for a few days and give it a chance to heal. The circulation system was working again, blowing winds of hurricane force all across h.e.l.l. Merry Christmas, everybody.
On the last day of cla.s.s, I walked into our dark room, hit the wallplate, and froze. There sat Zibet in the dark. On my bed. With a tessel in her lap.
"Where did you get that?" I whispered.
"I stole it," she said.
I locked the door behind me and pushed one of the desk chairs against it. "How?"
"They were all at a party in somebody else"s room."
"You went in the boys" dorm?"
She didn"t answer.
"You"re a freshman. They could send you home for that," I said, disbelieving. This was the girl who had gone quite literally up the wall over the sheets, who had said, "I"m never going home again."
"n.o.body saw me," she said calmly "They were all at a party."
"You"re edge," I said. "Whose is it, do you know?"
"It"s Daughter Ann."
I grabbed the top sheet off my bunk and started lining my shuttle bag with it. Holy scut, this would be the first place Brown would look. I rifled through my desk drawer for a pair of scissors to cut some air slits with. Zibet still sat petting the horrid thing.
"We"ve got to hide it," I said. "This time I"m not kidding. You really are in trouble."
She didn"t hear me. "My sister Henra"s pretty. She has long braids like you. She"s good like you, too," and then in an almost pleading voice, "she"s only fifteen."
Brown demanded and got a room check that started, you guessed it, with our room. The tessel wasn"t there. I"d put it in the shuttle bag and hidden it in one of the spins down in the laundry room. I"d wadded the other slickspin sheet in front of it, which I felt was a fitting irony for Brown, only he was too enraged to see it.
"I want another check," he said after the dorm mother had given him the grand tour. "I know it"s here." He turned to me. "I know you"ve got it."
"The last shuttle"s in ten minutes," the dorm mother said. "There isn"t time for another check."
"She"s got it. I can tell by the look on her face. She"s hidden it somewhere. Somewhere in this dorm."
The dorm mother looked like she"d like to have him in her Skinner box for about an hour. She shook her head.
"You lose, Brown," I said. "You stay and you"ll miss your shuttle and be stuck in h.e.l.l over Christmas. You leave and you lose your darling Daughter Ann. You lose either way, Brown."
He grabbed my wrist. The rash was almost unbearable under the band. My wrist had started to swell, puffing out purplish-red over the metal. I tried to free myself with my other hand, but his grip was as hard and vengeful as his face. "Octavia here was at a samurai party in the boys" dorm last week," he said to the dorm mother.
"That"s not true," I said. I could hardly talk. The pain from his grip was making me so nauseated I felt faint.
"I find that difficult to believe," the dorm mother said, "since she is confined by an alert band."
"This?" Brown said, and yanked my arm up. I cried out. "This thing?" He twisted it around my wrist. "She can take it off any time she wants. Didn"t you know that?" He dropped my wrist and looked at me contemptuously. "Tavvy"s too smart to let a little thing like an alert band stop her, aren"t you, Tavvy?"
I cradled my throbbing wrist against my body and tried not to black out. It isn"t beasties, I thought frantically. He would never do this to me just for beasties. It"s something worse. Worse. He must never, never get it back.
"There"s the call for the shuttle," the dorm mother said. "Octavia, your break privileges are canceled."
Brown shot a triumphant glance at me and followed her out. It took every bit of strength I had to wait till the last shuttle was gone before I went to get the tessel. I carried it back to the room with my good hand. The restricks hardly mattered. There was no place to go anyway. And the tessel was safe. "Everything will be all right," I said to the tessel.
Only everything wasn"t all right. Henra, the pretty sister, wasn"t pretty. Her hair had been cut off, as short as scissors could make it. She was flushed bright red and crying. Zibet"s face had gone stony white and stayed that way. I didn"t think from the looks of her that she"d ever cry again. Isn"t it wonderful what a semester of college can do for you?
Restricks or no, I had to get out of there. I took my books and camped down in the laundry room. I wrote two term papers, read three textbooks, and like Zibet, recopied all my notes. He cut off my hair. He said I tempted men and that was why it happened. Your father was only trying to protect you. Come to Papa. I turned on all the spins at once so I couldn"t hear myself think and typed the term papers.
I made it to the last day of break, gritting my teeth to keep from thinking about Brown, about tessels, about everything. Zibet and her sister came down to the laundry room to tell me Henra was going back on the first shuttle. I said goodbye. "I hope you can come back," I said, knowing I sounded stupid, knowing there was nothing in the world that could make me go back to Marylebone Weep if I were Henra.
"I am coming back. As soon as I graduate."
"It"s only two years," Zibet said. Two years ago Zibet had the same sweet face as her sister. Two years from now, Henra too would look like death warmed over. What fun to grow up in Marylebone Weep, where you"re a wreck at seventeen.
"Come back with me, Zibet," Henra said.
"I can"t."
Toss-up time. I went back to the room, propped myself on my bunk with a stack of books, and started reading. The tessel had been asleep on the foot of the bunk, its gaping pink vaj sticking up. It crawled onto my lap and lay there. I picked it up. It didn"t resist. Even with it living in the room, I"d never really looked at it closely. I saw now that it couldn"t resist if it tried. It had tiny little paws with soft pink underpads and no claws. It had no teeth, either, just the soft little rosebud mouth, only a quarter of the size of the opening at the other end. If it had been enhanced with pheromones, I sure couldn"t tell it. Maybe its attraction was simply that it had no defenses, that it couldn"t fight even if it wanted to.
I laid it over my lap and stuck an exploratory finger a little way into the vaj. I"d done enough lezzing when I was a freshman to know what a good vaj should feel like. I eased the finger farther in.
It screamed.
I yanked the hand free, balled it into a fist, and crammed it against my mouth hard to keep from screaming myself. Horrible, awful, pitiful sound. Helpless. Hopeless. The sound a woman must make when she"s being raped. No. Worse. The sound a child must make. I thought, I have never heard a sound like that in my whole life, and at the same instant, this is the sound I have been hearing all semester. Pheromones. Oh, no, a far greater attraction than some chemical. Or is fear a chemical, too?
I put the poor little beast onto the bed, went into the bathroom, and washed my hands for about an hour. I thought Zibet hadn"t known what the tessels were for, that she hadn"t had more than the vaguest idea what the boys were doing to them. But she had known. Known and tried to keep it from me. Known and gone into the boys" dorm all by herself to steal one. We should have stolen them all, all of them, gotten them away from those scutting G.o.d f.u.c.king ... I had thought of a lot of names for my father over the years. None of them was bad enough for this. Scutting Jesus-jiggers. f.u.c.king piles of scut.
Zibet was standing in the door of the bathroom.
"Oh, Zibet," I said, and stopped.
"My sister"s going home this afternoon," she said.
"No," I said, "Oh, no," and ran past her out of the room.
I guess I had kind of a little breakdown. Anyway, I can"t account very well for the time. Which is edge, because the thing I remember most vividly is the feeling that I needed to hurry, that something awful would happen if I didn"t hurry.
I know I broke restricks because I remember sitting out under the cottonwoods and thinking what a wonderful sense of humor Old Man Moulton had. He sent up Christmas lights for the bare cottonwoods, and the cotton and the brittle yellow leaves blew against them and caught fire. The smell of burning was everywhere. I remember thinking clearly; smokes and fires, how appropriate for Christmas in h.e.l.l.
But when I tried to think about the tessels, about what to do, the thoughts got all muddy and confused, like I"d taken too much float. Sometimes it was Zibet Brown wanted and not Daughter Arm at all, and I would say, "You cut off her hair. I"ll never give her back to you. Never." And she would struggle and struggle against him. But she had no claws, no teeth. Sometimes it was the admin, and he would say, "If it"s the trust thing you"re worried about, I can find out for you," and I would say, "You only want the tessels for yourself." And sometimes Zibet"s father said, "I am only trying to protect you. Come to Papa." And I would climb up on the bunk to unscrew the intercom but I couldn"t shut him up. "I don"t need protecting," I would say to him. Zibet would struggle and struggle.
A dangling bit of cotton had stuck to one of the Christmas lights. It caught fire and dropped into the brown broken leaves. The smell of smoke was everywhere. Somebody should report that. h.e.l.l could burn down, or was it burn up, with n.o.body here over Christmas break. I should tell somebody. That was it, I had to tell somebody. But there was n.o.body to tell. I wanted my father. And he wasn"t there. He had never been there. He had paid his money, spilled his juice, and thrown me to the wolves. But at least he wasn"t one of them. He wasn"t one of them.
There was n.o.body to tell. "What did you do to it?" Arabel said. "Did you give it something? Samurai? Float? Alcohol?"
"I didn"t ..."
"Consider yourself on restricks."
"It isn"t beasties," I said. "They call them Baby Dear and Daughter Ann. And they"re the fathers. They"re the fathers. But the tessels don"t have any claws. They don"t have any teeth. They don"t even know what jig-jig is."
"He has her best interests at heart," Arabel said.
"What are you talking about? He cut off all her hair. You should have seen her, hanging onto the wallplate for dear life! She struggled and struggled, but it didn"t do any good. She doesn"t have any claws. She doesn"t have any teeth. She"s only fifteen. We have to hurry."
"It"ll all be over by midterms," Arabel said. "I can fix you up. Guaranteed no trusters."
I was standing in the dorm mother"s Skinner box, pounding on her door. I did not know how I had gotten there. My face looked back at me from the dorm mother"s mirrors. Arabel"s face: strained and desperate. Flashing red and white and red again like an alert band: my roommate"s face. She would not believe me. She would put me on restricks. She would have me expelled. It didn"t matter. When she answered the door, I could not run. I had to tell somebody before the whole place caught on fire.
"Oh, my dear," she said, and put her arms around me.
I knew before I opened the door that Zibet was sitting on my bunk in the dark. I pressed the wallplate and kept my bandaged hand on it, as if I might need it for support. "Zibet," I said. "Everything"s going to be all right. The dorm mother"s going to confiscate the tessels. They"re going to outlaw animals on campus. Everything will be all right."
She looked up at me. "I sent it home with her," she said.
"What?" I said blankly.
"He won"t ... leave us alone. He-I sent Daughter Ann home with her."
No. Oh, no.
"Henra"s good like you. She won"t save herself. She"ll never last the two years." She looked steadily at me. "I have two other sisters. The youngest is only ten."
"You sent the tessel home?" I said. "To your father?" father?"
"Yes."
"It can"t protect itself," I said. "It doesn"t have any claws. It can"t protect itself."
"I told you you didn"t know anything about sin," she said, and turned away.
I never asked the dorm mother what they did with the tessels they took away from the boys. I hope, for their own sakes, that somebody put them out of their misery.
Even when I was little, I was bothered by the endings of fairy tales. It was not that I disbelieved the happy ending. It was just that there were so many loose ends that never got tied up. Like, did the prince ever miss being a frog? And what about the talking horse"s head that gave the goose girl advice? Surely they didn"t just leave him nailed up there! On the other hand, you could hardly take him down and bury him when he was still alive.And what about all those servants and horses and cooks in "Sleeping Beauty," thrust w.i.l.l.y-nilly into the next century? thrust w.i.l.l.y-nilly into the next century?
The Father of the Bride