Fire Watch.
by Connie Willis.
Contents
Fire Watch.
Service for the Burial of the Dead.
Lost and Found.
All My Darling Daughters.
The Father of the Bride.
A Letter from the Clearys.
And Come from Miles Around.
The Sidon in the Mirror.
Daisy, in the Sun.
Mail-Order Clone.
Samaritan.
Blued Moon.
While I was writing this story, the one book I could not find was the one I most needed: the Reverend Dean W. R. Matthews" book about the Fire Watch written just after the war called St. Paul"s in Wartime. St. Paul"s in Wartime. It was referred to in every other book I read, and I knew it would have everything in it that I could not find anywhere else: where they slept in the crypt, what they had to eat, how long their shifts were, where the stairs to the roofs were, how the Watch was organized and run. It was referred to in every other book I read, and I knew it would have everything in it that I could not find anywhere else: where they slept in the crypt, what they had to eat, how long their shifts were, where the stairs to the roofs were, how the Watch was organized and run.
The book was out of print and not even available at St. Paul"s, though the lady a.s.sured me that it was a "wonderful book." A friend finally managed to get hold of it through a London book search service and sent it to me soon after "Fire Watch" came out. A friend finally managed to get hold of it through a London book search service and sent it to me soon after "Fire Watch" came out.
It is indeed a wonderful book. It has, as I thought, everything I needed and could not find, but too late. Oddly enough, that"s what this story is about.
Fire Watch
History hath triumphed over time, which besides it nothing but eternity hath triumphed over.-SIR WALTER RALEIGH September 20-Of course the first thing I looked for was the fire watch stone. And of course it wasn"t there yet. It wasn"t dedicated until 1951, accompanying speech by the Very Reverend Dean Walter Matthews, and this is only 1940. I knew that. I went to see the fire watch stone only yesterday, with some kind of misplaced notion that seeing the scene of the crime would somehow help. It didn"t.
The only things that would have helped were a crash course in London during the Blitz and a little more time. I had not gotten either.
"Traveling in time is not like taking the tube, Mr. Bartholomew," the esteemed Dunworthy had said, blinking at me through those antique spectacles of his. "Either you report on the twentieth or you don"t go at all."
"But I"m not ready," I"d said. "Look, it took me four years to get ready to travel with St. Paul. St. Paul. St. Paul. Not St. Paul"s. You can"t expect me to get ready for London in the Blitz in two days." Not St. Paul"s. You can"t expect me to get ready for London in the Blitz in two days."
"Yes," Dunworthy had said. "We can." End of conversation.
"Two days!" I had shouted at my roommate Kivrin. "All because some computer adds an "s. And the esteemed Dunworthy doesn"t even bat an eye when I tell him. "Time travel is not like taking the tube, young man," he says. "I"d suggest you get ready. You"re leaving day after tomorrow." The man"s a total incompetent."
"No," she said. "He isn"t. He"s the best there is. He wrote the book on St. Paul"s. Maybe you should listen to what he says."
I had expected Kivrin to be at least a little sympathetic. She had been practically hysterical when she got her practic.u.m changed from fifteenth- to fourteenth-century England, and how did either century qualify as a practic.u.m? Even counting infectious diseases they couldn"t have been more than a five. The Blitz is an eight, and St. Paul"s itself is, with my luck, a ten.
"You think I should go see Dunworthy again?" I said.
"Yes."
"And then what? I"ve got two days. I don"t know the money, the language, the history. Nothing."
"He"s a good man," Kivrin said. "I think you"d better listen to him while you can." Good old Kivrin. Always the sympathetic ear.
The good man was responsible for my standing just inside the propped-open west doors, gawking like the country boy I was supposed to be, looking for a stone that wasn"t there. Thanks to the good man, I was about as unprepared for my practic.u.m as it was possible for him to make me.
I couldn"t see more than a few feet into the church. I could see a candle gleaming feebly a long way off and a closer blur of white moving toward me. A verger, or possibly the Very Reverend Dean himself. I pulled out the letter from my clergyman uncle in Wales that was supposed to gain me access to the dean, and patted my back pocket to make sure I hadn"t lost the microfiche Oxford English Dictionary, Revised, with Historical Supplements, Oxford English Dictionary, Revised, with Historical Supplements, I"d smuggled out of the Bodleian. I couldn"t pull it out in the middle of the conversation, but with luck I could muddle through the first encounter by context and look up the words I didn"t know later. I"d smuggled out of the Bodleian. I couldn"t pull it out in the middle of the conversation, but with luck I could muddle through the first encounter by context and look up the words I didn"t know later.
"Are you from the ayarpee?" he said. He was no older than I am, a head shorter and much thinner. Almost ascetic looking. He reminded me of Kivrin. He was not wearing white, but clutching it to his chest. In other circ.u.mstances I would have thought it was a pillow. In other circ.u.mstances I would know what was being said to me, but there had been no time to unlearn sub-Mediterranean Latin and Jewish law and learn c.o.c.kney and air raid procedures. Two days, and the esteemed Dunworthy, who wanted to talk about the sacred burdens of the historian instead of telling me what the ayarpee was.
"Are you?" he demanded again.
I considered whipping out the OED after all on the grounds that Wales was a foreign country, but I didn"t think they had microfilm in 1940. Ayarpee. It could be anything, including a nickname for the fire watch, in which case the impulse to say no was not safe at all. "No," I said.
He lunged suddenly toward and past me and peered out the open doors. "d.a.m.n," he said, coming back to me. "Where are they then? Bunch of lazy bourgeois tarts!" And so much for getting by on context.
He looked at me closely suspiciously; as if he thought I was only pretending not to be with the ayarpee. "The church is closed," he said finally I held up the envelope and said, "My name"s Bartholomew. Is Dean Matthews in?"
He looked out the door a moment longer as if he expected the lazy bourgeois tarts at any moment and intended to attack them with the white bundle; then he turned and said, as if he were guiding a tour, "This way, please," and took off into the gloom.
He led me to the right and down the south aisle of the nave. Thank G.o.d I had memorized the floor plan or at that moment, heading into total darkness, led by a raving verger, the whole bizarre metaphor of my situation would have been enough to send me out the west doors and back to St. John"s Wood. It helped a little to know where I was. We should have been pa.s.sing number twenty-six: Hunt"s painting of "The Light of the World"-Jesus with his lantern-but it was too dark to see it. We could have used the lantern ourselves.
He stopped abruptly ahead of me, still raving. "We weren"t asking for the b.l.o.o.d.y savoy, just a few cots. Nelson"s better off than we are-at least he"s got a pillow provided." He brandished the white bundle like a torch in the darkness. It was a pillow after all. "We asked for them over a fortnight ago, and here we still are, sleeping on the bleeding generals from Trafalgar because those b.i.t.c.hes want to play tea and crumpets with the tommies at victoria and the h.e.l.l with us!"
He didn"t seem to expect me to answer his outburst, which was good, because I had understood perhaps one key word in three. He stomped on ahead, moving out of sight of the one pathetic altar candle and stopping again at a black hole. Number twenty-five: stairs to the Whispering Gallery the Dome, the library (not open to the public). Up the stairs, down a hall, stop again at a medieval door and knock. "I"ve got to go wait for them," he said. "If I"m not there they"ll likely take them over to the Abbey. Tell the Dean to ring them up again, will you?" and he took off down the stone steps, still holding his pillow like a shield against him.
He had knocked, but the door was at least a foot of solid oak, and it was obvious the Very Reverend Dean had not heard. I was going to have to knock again. Yes, well, and the man holding the pinpoint had to let go of it, too, but even knowing it will all be over in a moment and you won"t feel a thing doesn"t make it any easier to say, "Now!" So I stood in front of the door, cursing the history department and the esteemed Dunworthy and the computer that had made the mistake and brought me here to this dark door with only a letter from a fict.i.tious uncle that I trusted no more than I trusted the rest of them.
Even the old reliable Bodleian had let me down. The batch of research stuff I cross-ordered through Balliol and the main terminal is probably sitting in my room right now, a century out of reach. And Kivrin, who had already done her practic.u.m and should have been bursting with advice, walked around as silent as a saint until I begged her to help me.
"Did you go to see Dunworthy?" she said.
"Yes. You want to know what priceless bit of information he had for me? "Silence and humility are the sacred burdens of the historian." He also told me I would love St. Paul"s. Golden gems from the Master. Unfortunately, what I need to know are the times and places of the bombs so one doesn"t fall on me." I hopped down on the bed. "Any suggestions?"
"How good are you at memory retrieval?" she said.
I sat up. "I"m pretty good. You think I should a.s.similate?"
"There isn"t time for that," she said. "I think you should put everything you can directly into long-term."
"You mean endorphins?" I said.
The biggest problem with using memory-a.s.sistance drugs to put information into your long-term memory is that it never sits, even for a microsecond, in your short-term memory; and that makes retrieval complicated, not to mention unnerving. It gives you the most unsettling sense of deja vu to suddenly know something you"re positive you"ve never seen or heard before.
The main problem, though, is not eerie sensations but retrieval. n.o.body knows exactly how the brain gets what it wants out of storage, but short-term is definitely involved. That brief, sometimes microscopic, time information spends in short-term is apparently used for something besides tip-of-the-tongue availability. The whole complex sort-and-file process of retrieval is apparently centered in short-term, and without it, and without the help of the drugs that put it there or artificial subst.i.tutes, information can be impossible to retrieve. I"d used endorphins for examinations and never had any difficulty with retrieval, and it looked like it was the only way to store all the information I needed in anything approaching the time I had left, but it also meant that I would never never have known any of the things I needed to know, even for long enough to have forgotten them. If and when I could retrieve the information, I would know it. Till then I was as ignorant of it as if it were not stored in some cobwebbed corner of my mind at all. have known any of the things I needed to know, even for long enough to have forgotten them. If and when I could retrieve the information, I would know it. Till then I was as ignorant of it as if it were not stored in some cobwebbed corner of my mind at all.
"You can retrieve without artificials, can"t you?" Kivrin said, looking skeptical.
"I guess I"ll have to."
"Under stress? Without sleep? Low body endorphin levels?" What exactly had her practic.u.m been? She had never said a word about it, and undergraduates are not supposed to ask. Stress factors in the Middle Ages? I thought everybody slept through them.
"I hope so," I said, "Anyway, I"m willing to try this idea if you think it will help."
She looked at me with that martyred expression and said, "Nothing will help." Thank you, St. Kivrin of Balliol.
But I tried it anyway. It was better than sitting in Dunworthy"s rooms having him blink at me through his historically accurate eyegla.s.ses and tell me I was going to love St. Paul"s. When my Bodleian requests didn"t come, I overloaded my credit and bought out Blackwells, Tapes on World War II, Celtic literature, history of ma.s.s transit, tourist guidebooks, everything I could think of. Then I rented a high-speed recorder and shot up. When I came out of it, I was so panicked by the feeling of not knowing any more than I had when I started that I took the tube to London and raced up Ludgate Hill to see if the fire watch stone would trigger any memories. It didn"t.
"Your endorphin levels aren"t back to normal yet," I told myself and tried to relax, but that was impossible with the prospect of the practic.u.m looming up before me. And those are real bullets, kid. Just because you"re a history major doing his practic.u.m doesn"t mean you can"t get killed. I read history books all the way home on the tube and right up until Dunworthy"s flunkies came to take me to St. John"s Wood this morning.
Then I jammed the microfiche OED in my back pocket and went off feeling as if I would have to survive by my native wit and hoping I could get hold of artificials in 1940. Surely I could get through the first day without mishap, I thought, and now here I was, stopped cold by almost the first word that was spoken to me.
Well, not quite. In spite of Kivrin"s advice that I not put anything in short-term, I"d memorized the British money, a map of the tube system, a map of my own Oxford. It had gotten me this far. Surely I would be able to deal with the Dean.
Just as I had almost gotten up the courage to knock, he opened the door, and as with the pinpoint, it really was over quickly and without pain. I handed him my letter and he shook my hand and said something understandable like, "Glad to have another man, Bartholomew." He looked strained and tired and as if he might collapse if I told him the Blitz had just started. I know, I know: Keep your mouth shut. The sacred silence, etc.
He said, "We"ll get Langby to show you round, shall we?" I a.s.sumed that was my Verger of the Pillow, and I was right. He met us at the foot of the stairs, puffing a little but jubilant.
"The cots came," he said to Dean Matthews. "You"d have thought they were doing us a favor. All high heels and hoity-toity. "You made us miss our tea, luv," one of them said to me. "Yes, well, and a good thing, too," I said. "You look as if you could stand to lose a stone or two.""
Even Dean Matthews looked as though he did not completely understand him. He said, "Did you set them up in the crypt?" and then introduced us. "Mr. Bartholomew"s just got in from Wales," he said. "He"s come to join our volunteers." Volunteers, not fire watch.
Langby showed me round, pointing out various dimnesses in the general gloom and then dragged me down to see the ten folding canvas cots set up among the tombs in the crypt, also in pa.s.sing, Lord Nelson"s black marble sarcophagus. He told me I don"t have to stand a watch the first night and suggested I go to bed, since sleep is the most precious commodity in the raids. I could well believe it. He was clutching that silly pillow to his breast like his beloved.
"Do you hear the sirens down here?" I asked, wondering if he buried his head in it.
He looked round at the low stone ceilings. "Some do, some don"t. Brinton has to have his Horlich"s. Bence-Jones would sleep if the roof fell in on him. I have to have a pillow. The important thing is to get your eight in no matter what. If you don"t, you turn into one of the walking dead. And then you get killed."
On that cheering note he went off to post the watches for tonight, leaving his pillow on one of the cots with orders for me to let n.o.body touch it. So here I sit, waiting for my first air raid siren and trying to get all this down before I turn into one of the walking or non-walking dead.
I"ve used the stolen OED to decipher a little Langby Middling success. A tart is either a pastry or a prost.i.tute (I a.s.sume the latter, although I was wrong about the pillow.) Bourgeois is a catchall term for all the faults of the middle cla.s.s. A Tommy"s a soldier. Ayarpee I could not find under any spelling and I had nearly given up when something in long-term about the use of acronyms and abbreviations in wartime popped forward (bless you, St. Kivrin) and I realized it must be an abbreviation. ARP. Air Raid Precautions. Of course. Where else would you get the bleeding cots from?
September 21-Now that I"m past the first shock of being here, I realize that the history department neglected to tell me what I"m supposed to do in the three-odd months of this practic.u.m. They handed me this journal, the letter from my uncle, and ten pounds in pre-war money and sent me packing into the past. The ten pounds (already depleted by train and tube fares) is supposed to last me until the end of December and get me back to St. John"s Wood for pickup when the second letter calling me back to Wales to sick uncle"s bedside comes. Till then I live here in the crypt with Nelson, who, Langby tells me, is pickled in alcohol inside his coffin. If we take a direct hit, will he burn like a torch or simply trickle out in a decaying stream onto the crypt floor, I wonder. Board is provided by a gas ring, over which are cooked wretched lea and indescribable kippers. To pay for all this luxury I am to stand on the roofs of St. Paul"s and put out incendiaries.
I must also accomplish the purpose of this practic.u.m, whatever it may be. Right now the only purpose I care about is staying alive until the second letter from uncle arrives and I can go home.
I am doing make-work until Langby has time to "show me the ropes." I"ve cleaned the skillet they cook the foul little fishes in, stacked wooden folding chairs at the altar end of the crypt (flat instead of standing because they tend to collapse like bombs in the middle of the night), and tried to sleep.
I am apparently not one of the lucky ones who can sleep through the raids. I spent most of the night wondering what St. Paul"s risk rating is. Practica have to be at least a six. Last night I was convinced this was a ten, with the crypt as ground zero, and that I might as well have applied for Denver.
The most interesting thing that"s happened so far is that I"ve seen a cat. I am fascinated, but trying not to appear so, since they seem commonplace here.
September 22-Still in the crypt. Langby comes dashing through periodically cursing various government agencies (all abbreviated) and promising to take me up on the roofs. In the meantime I"ve run out of make-work and taught myself to work a stirrup pump. Kivrin was overly concerned about my memory retrieval abilities. I have not had any trouble so far. Quite the opposite. I called up fire-fighting information and got the whole manual with pictures, including instructions on the use of the stirrup pump. If the kippers set Lord Nelson on fire, I shall be a hero.
Excitement last night. The sirens went early and some of the chars who clean offices in the City sheltered in the crypt with us. One of them woke me out of a sound sleep, going like an air raid siren. Seems she"d seen a mouse. We had to go whacking at tombs and under the cots with a rubber hoot to persuade her it was gone. Obviously what the history department had in mind: murdering mice.
September 24-Langby took me on rounds. Into the choir, where I had to learn the stirrup pump all over again, a.s.signed rubber boots and a tin helmet. Langby says Commander Allen is getting us asbestos firemen"s coats, but hasn"t yet, so it"s my own wool coat and m.u.f.fler and very cold on the roofs even in September. It feels like November and looks it, too, bleak and cheerless with no sun. Up to the dome and onto the roofs, which should be flat but in fact are littered with towers, pinnacles, gutters, statues, all designed expressly to catch and hold incendiaries out of reach. Shown how to smother an incendiary with sand before it burns through the roof and sets the church on fire. Shown the ropes (literally) lying in a heap at the base of the dome in case somebody has to go up one of the west towers or over the top of the dome. Back inside and down to the Whispering Gallery.
Langby kept up a running commentary through the whole tour, part practical instruction, part church history. Before we went up into the Gallery he dragged me over to the south door to tell me how Christopher Wren stood in the smoking rubble of Old St. Paul"s and asked a workman to bring him a stone from the graveyard to mark the cornerstone. On the stone was written in Latin, "I shall rise again," and Wren was so impressed by the irony that he had the word inscribed above the door. Langby looked as smug as if he had not told me a story every first-year history student knows, but I suppose without the impact of the fire watch stone, the other is just a nice story.
Langby raced me up the steps and onto the narrow balcony circling the Whispering Gallery. He was already halfway round to the other side, shouting dimensions and acoustics at me. He stopped facing the wall opposite and said softly, "You can hear me whispering because of the shape of the dome. The sound waves are reinforced around the perimeter of the dome. It sounds like the very crack of doom up here during a raid. The dome is one hundred and seven feet across. It is eighty feet above the nave."
I looked down. The railing went out from under me and the black-and-white marble floor came up with dizzying speed. I hung onto something in front of me and dropped to my knees, staggered and sick at heart. The sun had come out, and all of St. Paul"s seemed drenched in gold. Even the carved wood of the choir, the white stone pillars, the leaden pipes of the organ, all of it golden, golden.
Langby was beside me, trying to pull me free. "Bartholomew," he shouted, "what"s wrong? For G.o.d"s sake, man."
I knew I must tell him that if I let go, St. Paul"s and all the past would fall in on me, and that I must not let that happen because I was an historian. I said something, but it was not what I intended because Langby merely tightened his grip. He hauled me violently free of the railing and back onto the stairway; then let me collapse limply on the steps and stood back from me, not speaking.
"I don"t know what happened in there," I said. "I"ve never been afraid of heights before."
"You"re shaking," he said sharply "You"d better lie down." He led me back to the crypt.
September 25-Memory retrieval: ARP manual. Symptoms of bombing victims. Stage one-shock; stupefaction; unawareness of injuries; words may not make sense except to victim. Stage two-shivering; nausea; injuries, losses felt; return to reality Stage three-talkativeness that cannot be controlled; desire to explain shock behavior to rescuers.
Langby must surely recognize the symptoms, but how does he account for the fact there was no bomb? I can hardly explain my shock behavior to him, and it isn"t just the sacred silence of the historian that stops me.
He has not said anything, in fact a.s.signed me my first watches for tomorrow night as if nothing had happened, and he seems no more preoccupied than anyone else. Everyone I"ve met so far is jittery (one thing I had in short-term was how calm everyone was during the raids) and the raids have not come near us since I got here. They"ve been mostly over the East End and the docks.
There was a reference tonight to a UXB, and I have been thinking about the Dean"s manner and the church being closed when I"m almost sure I remember reading it was open through the entire Blitz. As soon as I get a chance, I"ll try to retrieve the events of September. As to retrieving anything else, I don"t see how I can hope to remember the right information until I know what it is I am supposed to do here, if anything.
There are no guidelines for historians, and no restrictions either. I could tell everyone I"m from the future if I thought they would believe me. I could murder Hitler if I could get to Germany. Or could I? Time paradox talk abounds in the history department, and the graduate students back from their practica don"t say a word one way or the other. Is there a tough, immutable past? Or is there a new past every day and do we, the historians, make it? And what are the consequences of what we do, if there are consequences? And how do we dare do anything without knowing them? Must we interfere boldly hoping we do not bring about all our downfalls? Or must we do nothing at all, not interfere, stand by and watch St. Paul"s burn to the ground if need be so that we don"t change the future?
All those are fine questions for a late-night study session. They do not matter here. I could no more let St. Paul"s burn down than I could kill Hitler. No, that is not true. I found that out yesterday in the Whispering Gallery. I could kill Hitler if I caught him setting fire to St. Paul"s.
September 26-I met a young woman today. Dean Matthews has opened the church, so the watch have been doing duties as chars and people have started coming in again. The young woman reminded me of Kivrin, though Kivrin is a good deal taller and would never frizz her hair like that. She looked as if she had been crying. Kivrin has looked like that since she got back from her practic.u.m. The Middle Ages were too much for her. I wonder how she would have coped with this. By pouring out her fears to the local priest, no doubt, as I sincerely hoped her look-alike was not going to do.
"May I help you?" I said, not wanting in the least to help. "I"m a volunteer."
She looked distressed. "You"re not paid?" she said, and wiped at her reddened nose with a handkerchief. "I read about St. Paul"s and the fire watch and all, and I thought perhaps there"s a position there for me. In the canteen, like, or something. A paying position." There were tears in her red-rimmed eyes.