"I-" He was afraid he was losing touch with reality entirely.
"Your room or mine?" she inquired.
"I have to go out."
Her brow furrowed. "Now?"
"To-" He knew it was wrong to say it to a woman.
But she caught on. "The bathroom?"
He nodded, embarra.s.sed.
"You don"t use what"s inside?"
Somehow it always got like this when he was with another person, all awkward and stumbling. "It"s just water, and the plants, they need it."
"Oh, Geode, now I understand! You fertilize the plants! How thoughtful."
Had he somehow managed not to offend her, again? "You aren"t mad?"
"You like plants," she said. "Why waste a lot of water flushing a toilet, when the plants can really use the nitrogen? It shows how sensible you are. By all means, go out. I don"t think you want my company at the moment."
She really did seem to understand, the first one ever to do so. He went out the side door into the closing darkness, found a familiar azalea bush, and urinated at its base. Then he returned, and washed his hands in the half-bathroom just inside that entry.
none was there, just beyond. "Your room or mine?" she repeated.
She didn"t let go-nor did he want her to. She was pushing him the way everyone did, thinking him dull-witted, but she was pushing him in a wonderful new way. "Here." He opened the door to the wing where he stayed. He normally left the main house alone, only checking it to be sure everything was in order. Whenever Mid came here, the house and trees would be ready.
"Oh, the forbidden door," she murmured.
"No, that one"s upstairs."
She put her fist to her mouth as if startled. "It is?"
"The security closet. It"s always on unless I turn it off with a key, so nothing can be stolen. There isn"t anything in there, but Mid has it set up so if there ever is anything he can use it."
"Oh. Of course."
He reached for the light switch near the door, but she demurred. "Let"s be in the darkness, for now," she said. "I was afraid of the dark, alone, but I"m not afraid with you."
Geode had no concern about the dark; in fact he rather liked it. He liked it even better now. "Can you see?"
"You can guide me." She took hold of his elbow. He guided her in a few steps, where the wing divided into two rooms, and then to the left, where his bed and belongings were. "Here."
"Lie down, and I will join you."
He stretched out on the bed, on the left side, facing right. She lay on the right side, facing left. She moved into him, her body touching his at thigh and chest. Her left hand came up and found his head; then her face was there, and she was kissing him. He felt as if he were floating through warm fog, yet also lying on the bed with her.
"You see, we can"t fall over," she murmured.
He had to laugh, and she laughed with him. It was the first time he could remember laughing with a woman.
"Let me see if I can make you potent," she said. "Take off your clothes."
He did not protest. He was beyond that, in this unreal darkness. He rolled off the bed, unbuckled his belt, dropped his jeans, stripped off his shirt, and removed his underpants and socks. He lay down, naked.
Her hand touched his chest, locating him. Then she lay against him again, her body warm against his. She was naked too; she had removed her negligee and slippers. "All that a woman can be to a man, I will be to you," she murmured, and kissed him.
Then, after a moment: "Am I boring you?"
"No." Far from it; he had never before had such an experience.
She moved against him, pressing him back, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s sliding across his chest. Her hair fell down, tickling his neck. She kissed him once more, lying on top of him, her legs falling outside his.
"You really are impotent," she said.
"Yes."
"But when you handled the-what the monster left-what then?"
"It-I-it got hard," he said, remembering, surprised.
"And when you sleep, alone?"
"Sometimes it does," he said.
"So it is psychological, not physical."
"Yes."
"But I am not finished." She drew up her legs and lifted her body, straddling him on the bed. She moved down, exposing his crotch. Then her hands found his member. It was soft.
"There are ways," she said. She moved down farther, then began kneading his p.e.n.i.s and stroking his t.e.s.t.i.c.l.es. Then she put her mouth down. She licked him, and stroked him, and finally sucked on him, but there was no hardness.
She paused. "I must ask; forgive me if I offend you. Are you h.o.m.os.e.xual?"
"No. I like women. But they don"t like me."
"Ah, so you don"t really believe I want you. That nulls your circuits. Let"s try it the other way around." She lay down beside him. "Get up on me, sitting as I was, and run your hands over my body."
Geode obeyed. "My b.r.e.a.s.t.s," she said. "Don"t avoid them. They may not be world cla.s.s, but neither are they nonexistent; they merely flatten out as I lie on my back. Take handfuls, knead them, gently."
He did so, and thrilled to the experience. "Now my thighs," she said. "Run your hands down, outside, now inside. No, don"t shy away! Go up where they join. I am spreading my legs wide. Here, you must let me do it; put your knees together inside mine. Yes. Now move your hand up. Do you feel where it is wet?"
"Yes. Am I hurting you?"
"No, Geode. You are making me want you. My body is ready for yours. Is yours ready yet?"
"No."
"Would you like to use your mouth, as I used mine?"
"I don"t know how."
"Put your face down. Here, let me guide you." Her hands came up and caught his head on either side. They brought it down until his face was in her crotch. "Now lick."
He licked. He found it fascinating and enjoyable, but his member did not get hard. It was as though the nerves between his head and his p.e.n.i.s had been cut.
"Ah, Geode, I love it," she said. "But it is your potency I am striving for, not mine. I must have you in me, or I have failed. Lie down again, put your arms around me, and we shall consider."
He obeyed. Soon they were embraced, their legs intertwined, her head nestled against his neck and shoulder. "I thought I could make you react by sheer force of body," she said. "I was mistaken. Would you rather sleep alone?"
"No!"
"I really don"t know how to deal with impotence. I"m no psychiatrist. I suppose I should make you tell me your childhood secrets, to find out what inhibits you. But I fear that would be a mistake, as it seems this physical approach was. I came at you too hard and strong and invoked your defenses, and you cannot perform, though I think you want to."
"Yes!"
"But I have only begun to fight, Geode. Only let me stay with you, and I will find a way to make you potent. I promise."
"I like this, even if-" He did not finish, hoping she would understand.
"It is as if you are hungry, and you are at a bakery, and you can smell the sweet rolls, but your mouth is wired shut."
"Yes." She was so good at the right imagery!
"We"ll get your mouth open, Geode. I will stay close to you, and I will break this barrier. If you just let me."
He lay there, embraced, feeling as if he were floating again, all the way to the moon. She had already given him more than he had ever had before.
* 14 - HE DREAMED THAT he had dreamed of a woman lying naked with him, and awakened to know it as a dream, for what woman would ever do that? He felt enormous regret, actually sorrow. In his dream she had offered everything, and he had been unable to take it. Why couldn"t he have done it in the dream? When would he ever have a better chance? He had been a fool, even in his own imagination!
He woke, chastened, and felt beside him-and found her body there. It was real! He wanted to kiss her, but didn"t dare; she might be angry, and disavow everything.
In the morning she remained, lying beside him. The dawn was expanding, and his eyes were adjusted; he could see her well enough. She was beautiful, in her fashion. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s heaved with the gentle rhythm of her breathing, and one of her legs overlapped his. She was all woman, so desirable-and he so inadequate.
He got up and went to the bathroom to wash. When he returned, she was awake. "You didn"t change your mind?" she asked worriedly.
"I would like it like this forever," he said.
"Forever, for now. I will fix you breakfast."
"No need."
"Unless you tell me no in quite explicit terms, I will do it. I must get to know you, Geode, so I can discover how to make you potent." She donned the negligee as they talked, concealing nothing from him. Her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, as she had said, were not big, but neither were they small, and they bounced intriguingly as she put the light garment on over her head. He saw that her stomach had a pattern of scar tissue.
"You-don"t eat first," he blurted.
She smiled. "I will eat with you this time, if you wish." She poked her feet into her pink slippers and hurried toward the kitchen.
By the time he got there, she had milk and canned fruit and dry cereal out. Her hair had been brushed; she must have found time to go up to her room and do that too.
"You-did your-did he hurt you?" he asked stumblingly.
"My husband? He hurt me only by ignoring me, after our child. I don"t like to be ignored, as you might have noticed."
"But you-your stomach-"
She pulled up her negligee, exposing her legs, stomach, and b.r.e.a.s.t.s. She glanced down. "Oh, that! Those are stretch marks!"
"What?"
"When I had my baby, my abdomen contracted, but my skin didn"t quite make it back. The marks of that stretching remain. I agree they aren"t pretty; that"s why I prefer darkness for lovemaking. I was so busy trying to seduce you I forgot about them."
"Trying to-?"
"Do you suppose when I do this it"s an accident?" she asked, lifting the material to breast height again. "Touch didn"t do it last night, but sight might. Does it make you react?"
He looked at her b.r.e.a.s.t.s. They were as perfectly formed as any he had seen in pictures. "I wish I could. I want to."
"I wish you could too! It"s been so long since any man was interested in me, and there is so little time. You"re sure there"s no reaction?"
"Everywhere but there," he said sadly.
"I meant to wake and watch you in the night, to catch you when you got an erection, but I was so tired I slept right through. But tonight-"
"It wouldn"t work. Even in my dreams, I can"t do it."
"Well, I will keep working on it, if you let me."
"I-I just like to be with you."
"Well, I am trying very hard to be pleasant. Just warn me when I talk too much."
"I like to listen."
"I mean, I can talk a blue streak, all about everything I"ve read and feel and dream, and I can bore people to sleep. I"m trying to hold it down, but it keeps bubbling up. So when I do that to you-"
"No one ever wanted to talk to me before."
She paused. "You mean you really don"t mind?"
He tried to frame it, lacking competence. "When you-last night you talked to me-paid attention-you didn"t have to take off your clothes or anything, I liked listening."
She gazed at him, and her eyes shone. "Oh, Geode, I think you have just paid me the nicest compliment! Do you mind if I kiss you?"
"I like that too."