I glanced out the window and watched the clouds gather as we flew through a thick group, the window becoming white, and nearly opaque. With a sigh I closed my eyes again, too.
"No way! That one does not look like a clown." Beth exclaimed, squinting her eyes.
"Yes it does. Look," I raised my arm up toward the sky, and pointed with my finger. "See, there"s his nose, that great big round cloud, then see how it kind of goes up into a point? That"s his hat."
"It does not go up into a point." She insisted.
"Well, it did before the clouds started to move." She looked over at me, one brow raised, looking at me like I was nuts. I grinned. "Well, it did." She shook her head, and turned it to look back up at the sky.
"You know, you really suck at this game, Em. You try and make too elaborate of shapes. Whatever happened to just plain old fashioned bunny rabbits and bananas?" I shrugged.
"I don"t know. I guess I just see what I see."
I raised my arms over my head, feeling the cool, thick gra.s.s under my hands as I stretched my body, closing my eyes in pleasure with a groan.
"It is so nice out here." I breathed as I relaxed again, my hands laying on my stomach.
"Un huh." Beth agreed, placing her hands behind her head, then reaching down to scratch her leg where a blade of gra.s.s was making her itch. "Your birthday ended up being a pretty nice day. Not too hot, like it usually is." She turned on her side, her head resting on her hand, and looked down at me. "Tonight we"re all going down to the lake on the east side. Wanna come?" I looked up at her and wrinkled my nose.
"No way. You remember what happened last time I went to one of your friend"s parties."
"Different people. It"ll just be me, Collin, Mary and Sheila."
"Nah." I looked back up into the sky. "Why tonight, though, Em? Aren"t you going to stay for our party here? Aunt Kitty and Ron are coming, and maybe one or two of my friends from Honor Society." I glanced over at her again. She shook her head and looked over toward the house.
"Nah. We"ve had this planned for awhile, and that"s all your family. Besides, " she rolled over and sat up, wrapping long arms around her bent knees. "Your friends from Honor Society look at me like I"m a leper."
"Okay." I was hurt, but I knew she was right. None of my friends understood why Beth and I were best friends, and I suspected that her friends wondered the same thing. That was just the way things were now. "You guys going to drink, again?" I asked, sitting up next to her. She glanced over at me and nodded.
"Probably some, yeah." She said. Beth had started to do that a lot. It worried me for her. Her mother had made such a mess out of her own life, and in some ways, that of Beth, and I did not want to see Beth make the same mistake. I had heard that alcoholism ran in families. "Well, " she said, standing, and reaching down to help me up. "You said I could have the first ride in your Jeep."
We walked around the back gate to the front yard. I could not help but smile as I spotted my birthday present. Never in a million years did I think I"d get a car for my sixteenth birthday. I guess it was good having a father who managed a car dealership.
The Jeep was a 1979 model, and was painted bright yellow with a black, rubber roll bar. The color was not one that I would have chosen, but I had to admit that it had character to it. I sure would be able to spot it easily in a parking lot.
Beth jumped into the pa.s.senger side, and I climbed behind the wheel, bringing it rumbling to life. I grinned over at my best friend, and backed out of the drive. We drove around town in companionable silence, neither feeling the need to talk. I had left the hard top at home, so the warm, summer air ran through our hair, and our lungs, beating out the cold, stale air of the winter finally gone by. It felt so good just to be with Beth, no pressure from any of our friends, or our new lives. Just us. Like it used to be. We rarely saw each other at school, and I was rarely home before nightfall with all of the after school activities I had, and with Beth"s Drama practice. It was times like these that I grew to look forward to, and treasure.
Whatever happened, wherever we ended up, Beth would always be my best friend.
"We are approaching Denver International Airport. Please make sure your chairs and trays are securely locked into their upright position, and that your seatbelts are securely in place, snug around you. We are preparing for landing."
I held on to the arms of my chair as I felt the plane lose alt.i.tude, glancing outside at the lowered wing as we banked around for a solid landing on the runway. I saw the town of Denver spread out before us as we got closer, and I could not help but smile. It had been far too long since I"d been home. I knew Rebecca and I still had a three hour drive ahead of us, but nonetheless, I was glad to be home.
We rented a silver Toyota Camry, and made our way out to I-25, and headed south.
I was tired as I pulled into the driveway of my house, a long day behind me. It was dark, well after eight on a warm, late September night. I grabbed my backpack from the back of my Jeep, and slung it over my shoulder as I headed toward the house, only to be met by my mother who ran out onto the front porch.
"Hey." I said, my brows drawn.
"Honey, have you seen Beth?" she asked.
"What?" I was confused.
"Did you see Beth today at school?"
"No, I-" come to think of it, I hadn"t seen Beth for a couple of days.
"Nora has been calling all day. Beth hasn"t been home since Monday."
"It"s Thursday." I said, my voice incredulous. My mother shrugged.
"Honey, you"ve got to go look for her." Before the words were out of my mother"s mouth, I had hopped back into the Jeep, tossing my bag in back, and she roared to life. The tires squealed in protest as I pealed out of the drive.
I started at all the places and parts of town that I knew Beth hung out at, to no avail. Starting at the lake, and heading down Northern, checking out all the bars. Beth was underage, but most never carded her as she looked to be no less than in her mid-twenties. Nothing. I drove by the school, and stopped by the park. I had to think. Where else does she go? I rally didn"t know any of her friends.
"d.a.m.n." I breathed, slamming my hand into the wheel. Where could she be? I knew that lately she was getting with a crowd that was notorious for partying, no matter what time of day, or if it was a school night. It didn"t matter. What was that girl"s name that I saw her with all the time? Carry? Corey? Cora. I could still see her with her short, dyed black hair, pale skin, and dark make-up. She always wore black, usually leather. I had seen her and Beth together more than once. Where did her group usually hang out? I remembered overhearing some kids talking about them one day, and they said they all hung out at some old run-down warehouse. Where was it? I tapped my fingers on the steering wheel as I thought, and then like the proverbial light bulb, it clicked, and I put the Jeep in gear, and made a U-turn in the middle of the street, headed off toward the Looms. That"s what they called it.
It was nearly eleven when I finally found the place. The neighborhood was industry, and did not look exactly safe. I was extremely nervous as I slowed the Jeep, looking around to find the exact building. I heard deep, pounding music, and turned toward it, finding a ma.s.sive, old gray cinderblock building with large windows, most painted over black. The only light the place spewed was from the door on the side. Deciding that was probably the place to go, I pulled up to it, and killed the ignition. With a deep breath, and a small prayer to whoever, I headed inside.
The place was too big to be lit very well by the scattering of naked bulbs hanging, so the light was dim, the air heavy and acrid, smelling of old cigarettes, and the sweet smell of pot. I looked around to find various groups of people huddled in corners, talking, some making out. My eyes bulged as I saw a couple actually having s.e.x under a far table. I scanned the room some more, seeing some dancing to the bone-shattering music. Two women were grinding together, and then I saw a figure slumped against an old loading dock door. The figure was completely in black, as were most of the people, her upper shoulders were against the metal door, her legs straight out in front of her, her arms laying limply at her side. My eyes began to move on when I froze.
"Beth." I whispered, my gaze zooming back in on the unmoving woman. "My G.o.d." I ran over to her, not caring about the strange looks I got as I pa.s.sed different people and groups. Just as I was about to reach her, Cora stepped into view. She walked over to Beth, but then her head swung around when she caught me coming out of the corner of heavily blacked eyes with eyeliner. "Get away from her!" I yelled, as I reached my friend, throwing myself to my knees next to her. Beth"s eyes were open, but extremely glazed and unfocused. Cora said nothing as she stood over us, looking down at me. "What is wrong with her?" I asked, my hand reaching out and righting Beth"s lulled head. Eyes that were so dilated the blue irises barely showed.
"I don"t know. I think she had some bad s.h.i.t." Cora said, her voice casual. I looked up at her, incredulous.
"Some bad s.h.i.t?" I repeated. "Does she need a doctor?" I asked, near hysterical.
"Nah. Just get "er home, and let her sleep. Give her a bunch to drink. Water"s usually good."
"Come on, Beth honey. I"m getting you out of here." I said. I could feel my throat tightening, and wanted to get the h.e.l.l out of there before I out and out bawled. "Help me!" I yelled up at the girl as I tried to lift Beth"s dead body weight. With Cora"s help, I managed to get Beth buckled into the pa.s.senger side of the Jeep. "You stay away from her." I growled at the girl from behind the wheel. She shrugged as she took a step back toward the door.
"She needs to learn to hold her s.h.i.t better. She"s a good lay, though." And disappeared into the warehouse. I stared after her, my mouth hanging open, then turned back to Beth. She lay with her arms hanging over the sides of the seat, her head back against the head rest, mouth open, eyes closed.
"Beth? Beth!" I shook her when she didn"t answer. Her head lulled again, but then she righted herself, and glanced over at me.
"Huh?" she slurred, followed by a grin.
"I"m getting you the h.e.l.l out of here." I muttered, nearly killing the Jeep as I ground the gears in my haste.
The neighborhood was quiet as I pulled into our drive. I sat in the Jeep for a minute trying to decide what to do. I looked over at the Sayers" house, no lights were on at all. Gee. Nora must have been really worried about her daughter who"d been gone for three days.
"b.i.t.c.h." I muttered as I climbed out of the car, and went around to Beth"s side. "You"ve got to help me, Beth." I said as I unbuckled her. She nearly fell out, taking me with her. She got to her feet, and I had to push her up against the side of the car to hold her up so I could get my balance. "Okay. We can do this." I moved to the side of her, and slung her arm around my shoulder. "Ready?"
"Huh?" I wrapped my other arm around her waist as we started very slowly toward the porch, the light on to guide us.
"One step at a time, honey. That"s it. Good girl." Finally making it to the door, the screen door flew open, scaring the c.r.a.p out of me, and nearly making Beth fall to the gra.s.s.
"Thank G.o.d you found her." My mother said, her eyes narrowing in worry at Beth"s condition. She wrinkled her nose. "My G.o.d. Where has she been? A land fill?"
"Long story, mom. Just help me get her to my room." I muttered.
"Honey, shouldn"t she go home? Or to a hospital? My G.o.d, she looks like she"s half dead."
"Mom, please. I can"t take her home. You know Nora will leave her to rot on the floor, if she doesn"t beat her half dead first. She does not need a doctor. Please , mom. Please just let me take care of her?" my mother stared into my eyes, and could see how serious I was. With a sigh she nodded, and helped me get Beth to my bedroom.
I shut the door after pushing my mother out, and turned back to Beth who lay spread across my bed. I wasn"t sure what to do first, but then decided to get the stuff I"d need. I left the bedroom, and headed for the kitchen where I filled a huge plastic cup with cold water, and grabbed some fruit, and bread. Easy stuff for her to eat. I set my offerings on my dresser, and turned back to my friend.
"Mom"s right, Beth. You do stink." I walked over to her, and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. Her breathing was normal now, and she seemed to be more with it as her eyes opened. They were still glazed, but not near as bad. "Hey." I said when she somewhat focused on me.
"Hey." She said, her voice scratchy. I grabbed the gla.s.s of water, and brought it to her lips, holding her head up as she sipped. She choked a bit, and I sat her all the way up, leaning her body weight against me.
"Okay?" I asked. She nodded, and buried her face in my neck. I could feel her body shake as she began to sob. "Hey, hey." I said, pulling her into me. She wrapped her arms around me. I could feel her tears against the skin of my neck. "Shhh, baby. It"s okay."
"I"m sorry, Em." She whimpered. "I never meant for you to see me this way."
"Shh. I know. I was so worried about you." I whispered, my own tears coming to the surface. "When my mother told me no one could find you, you don"t know what went through my head." I laid back, taking her with me. She curled her body up to me, holding me so tight it almost hurt.
"I know." She cried on for almost ten minutes before she began to calm, her tears turning into hiccups. "I didn"t mean to scare you, Em." She whispered, moving down so her head laid upon my stomach. Just like old times. I reached down, my fingers trying to run through the tangles in her dark hair. "I feel so weird." She said.
"That girl Cora said you had had some bad s.h.i.t. What exactly does that mean?" I began to stroke her back with my other hand.
"I don"t know. I took so much stuff. I don"t remember. I don"t remember much of anything, except seeing you barge in there like that." She chuckled quietly. "This little pint-sized thing rushing in there so tough. You"re lucky that Cora was pretty gone, or she may have tried to kick your a.s.s." She took a deep breath. "I don"t feel so good." The next think I knew, Beth leaned up, and threw up over the side of the bed. I held her hair back as she continued to spew, having put my trash can under her. I rubbed her back as her stomach made the most awful noises, the veins in her neck standing on end as her body continued to pump more and more of the stuff out of her system.
"Oh, G.o.d." She groaned, her strength gone, laying on her stomach, only to start all over again.
"Get it all out, Beth." I encouraged, holding her hair back again as she was once more wracked with a spasm. Finally spent, and I was pretty sure done throwing up, I helped Beth stand on weak legs, and we headed for the bathroom. She smelled of old clothes, smoke, s.e.x, and now throw up. She said she was starting to make herself feel sick again just from the smell, so she wanted a bath.
I flicked on the light, the smallish bathroom coming to life. I guided her to the toilet where she sat on the lid as I began to run her a bath. She watched with half-hooded eyes. I looked at her over my shoulder.
"Will you be okay to do this by yourself?" she looked down at herself, then back over at me, shaking her head.
"I think I"m gonna need your help."
I let the water fill up the tub as I walked back over to her, kneeling to remove her shoes and socks. Throwing them aside, I moved up to her jeans, unb.u.t.toning and unzipping them.
"Lift." I instructed. When she did, I slid them and her underwear out from under her all in one shot. I caught sight of dark hair, and for just a moment a strange bolt of heat ran through me to land squarely in the pit of my stomach. I swallowed, and continued with my mission. Her grimy T-shirt came next followed by her bra. I wrapped my arms around her so I could unhook it. This put us in a hug, and I could feel her b.r.e.a.s.t.s against my own. I thought back to when I had been at that warehouse, and what I had thought of Cora. I realized that not only did I not like her because of where she had taken Beth, but also, even before she had said anything, I knew that she and Beth were sleeping together. I didn"t like it. I didn"t like it one bit.
I cleared my head of all these thoughts as I made myself concentrate on what I was doing. Beth was weak, and could not do any of this for herself.
"I have to pee." She said, her voice quiet, and embarra.s.sed. I looked down at her and nodded. She leaned on me as she stood so I could lift the lid.
"You be okay for a sec while I get you something to put on after your bath?" she nodded, looking relieved that she"d be alone to go to the bathroom. I hurried into my bedroom, and dug through my drawers trying to find something that would fit her. Beth was so much taller than I was, and bigger. Finally remembering a pair of shorts that my grandmother had sent me one time that were at least four sizes too big for me, that I had buried in a drawer. I dug the sweat shorts out, and tossed them on the bed, going on a search for a shirt next. I found one that was too big for me that I often slept in, I headed back to the bathroom. Beth sat on the toilet lid again, apparently done. She smiled up at me, and I smiled back, locking the bathroom door behind me.
Beth sighed deeply as she sat in the hot water, the steam swirling up around us. I knelt next to the tub, and helped her lay back so I could wash her hair, and her body. I tried to use clinical detachment as I smoothed the soap over Beth"s skin, her body so beautiful. She had grown to be an incredible woman. Her legs were still long, but had filled out, her thighs strong, and shapely. Her stomach was flat, her b.r.e.a.s.t.s full and firm, the hardened nipples dark, but not too large. I watched as long fingers held on to the edge of the tub to help keep her balance, the nails short, but well taken care of . Her neck was also long, the collar bones well defined, her shoulders wide and well developed. My eyes moved up to her face, her eyes closed with dark, relaxed brows, naturally arched. Her nose was straight, and well proportioned to her face. Her full lips were slightly parted, her breathing shallow. She was breathtaking. I had a strong desire to run my hands over her shoulders, feeling the muscle under my fingers, knowing the planes of Beth.
I pushed the thought from my mind as blue eyes opened and stared up at me. I helped her sit up, and she wrapped her arms around her drawn knees. She looked deeply into my eyes that I prayed did not show what I was feeling inside.
"Thank you, Em." She whispered. "I"m so glad you found me. You"re the only person on earth that I would want to take care of me like this." I smiled, and pushed some hair that was stuck to the side of her face back.
"I"m always here for you, Beth. Just like you are for me."
We got Beth dressed, and back to my bedroom. She collapsed onto the bed, and reached for me. I stared at her for a moment, and she grinned shyly up at me.
"I know it seems odd, and this isn"t something I ask just anybody, but would you just, well, just hold me for a little bit?" her eyes ducked to the quilt on the bed, her cheeks colored slightly from embarra.s.sment. "I just seem to be embarra.s.sing myself over and over again tonight." She muttered. My face fell into a soft smile, and I lowered myself onto the bed next to her, opening my arms wide. Beth looked up at me, and fell into the embrace, pushing her legs under the covers, and bringing the blankets up around us. I held her to me, her head laying against my chest, and we talked. We talked about everything that night from favorite shows on television to politics, to where we wanted to end up in twenty years.
In all the years that I had known Beth up to that point, I had never seen her be so candid and honest about herself. Her vulnerability from the situation gave way to an unprecedented honesty that I don"t recall ever sharing again with another human being. I cherished that night for what it was; a special intimacy that no s.e.x act could ever equal.
"You know, I"ve thought about your Aunt a lot lately." Beth said, her voice hushed. "So sad for someone so young." She was quiet for a moment, then, "Em, do you have any regrets?" I ran my fingers through her dark hair as I thought of an answer.
"Yes." I admitted. She was quiet, letting me explain if I wished. What were my regrets? The admission had flown out of my mouth before I even had a full answer Apparently my subconscious knew more than I did. I had a lot of regrets where Beth was concerned, that I knew. I was not about to tell her that, though for fear of sounding hypocritical. I regretted how our friendship had begun to deteriorate on a more surface level. Deep down I knew that we both loved each other as much, if not more, than we ever had. I would have done anything for Beth, and I knew the same was true of her. I regretted my weakness in ability to admit that I felt equally as attracted to my best friend as I knew she was to me. My mind reeled hack to just a few hours before when I had been bathing her. My thoughts were not my own, or perhaps they were more my own than ever. I didn"t know. I was too young to sort it all out in one night.
I glanced over at the window to see the first rays of the sun beginning to peek its head over the houses behind ours. We had been talking all night. I turned my attention back to her.
"Do you?"
"Yes I do. Many." She readjusted her head on my chest, wrapping her arm around me a bit tighter. "Someone told me once that to live with regret is to not live at all." I sighed.
"How true." I felt my body beginning to respond to her closeness, and tiny nerve endings were reaching out to worship every part of her body that touched mine. There was just something about the silence of late night, early morning that made the body that much aware of its surroundings, and true desires. I closed my eyes, and swallowed.
"Think maybe we should get some sleep." Beth said, her voice soft. I opened my eyes, and sighed with relief. Sleep. What a good idea. I wondered if Beth were being as affected as bad as I was. With that thought, I closed my eyes, and let the darkness enfold me.
Rebecca and I stopped at an IHOP in Colorado Springs for lunch. We sat at our table, and I stared down at my nearly untouched cheeseburger, a fry in my hand as I dipped it over and over again in my ketchup/Mayo mixture.
"You know, I think that fry is about as covered as it"s going to get." I glanced up and met Rebecca"s twinkling eyes. I grinned, and popped it into my mouth. "So where was Beth living? Was she with anyone?" my lover asked, wiping some Ranch dressing from her lip. I shrugged.
"I honestly don"t know. She never told me." I met her gaze again to see her understanding, yet confused look. "I was thinking about that last night. I have no clue where she lived, or with who, is she was living with someone. What she was doing, though knowing Beth, she was on stage to the end." I smiled in remembrance. "The only place on earth she ever felt truly at home. On that stage."
"She was very talented. I"m glad I was able to see her that one time."
"Yeah. Me, too."
"Did Beth like school?" Rebecca asked, sipping from her iced tea. I shook my head.
"Hated it. I think the only reason she went as long as she did was because of Drama. That was her life. Well, that and partying." Rebecca nodded with a small chuckle.
I awoke with a heat against my back, and knocking in my head. As reality came back to me, I realized that Beth was spooned up behind me, her arm holding me tightly to her, and someone was knocking on my door.
"Emmy? Honey, are you awake?"
I raised my head, and looked around. My room was a disaster, the smelly trash can still near my bed on the floor, clothes thrown everywhere, and the sun blaring in through the window. I groaned.
"Yeah." I mumbled, and carefully, trying not to wake Beth up, climbed out of bed, and walked over to the door to unlock it. I opened it to find my mother looking at me in her robe.
"Honey, are you going to go to school today?" she asked, her brows drawn.
"What time is it?" I asked.
"Almost eight-thirty." I groaned again. Cla.s.ses had stared almost forty-five minutes ago.