First.

"Okay." I said finally. Everyone waited, breathless, to see what I"d say. "Beth,"

"Yes, Em?" she asked, quirking a brow. I grinned.

"If you could kiss anyone in this room, who would it be." I asked, my voice quiet, almost daring. Quiet chuckles were heard, as everyone there knew the situation, and I believed had secretly been making bets. The three other women in the room looked on, curious to see what Beth would say. Most everyone had answered their question, a near full bottle of tequila waiting for someone to take their drink option. Surly that would not happen. After all, we all had said we wanted to stay sober, and level headed for study time over the weekend. Beth stared at me, her eyes never leaving mine as she thought about my question. Part of me wanted to look away so badly, almost ashamed for asking. It had been a bit manipulative. I hoped I knew the answer, but didn"t want to hear it. Yet,...

Beth sighed deeply, then cleared her throat, never breaking eye contact with me.

"I think I"m going to have to choose to take a shot." She said, her voice just as low and daring as mine had been. Without a word, she reached her hand out to grab the shot of tequila that Richard had poured for her. She raised the small shooter to me, then downed it in one gulp, her face contorting as the liquid fire slid down her throat. My face fell, but I tried to hold it together. Not wanting to give anyone the satisfaction there of knowing that I was crushed. Beth had hurt me. And she had hurt me bad.

I stood where I had been before, many of the people leaving. I could still see in my mind as Beth"s casket had pa.s.sed below ground level, disappearing into the earth. So final. My face still felt tight and stiff from the seemingly endless supply of tears that had streamed down my cheeks, I unable to stop them. The numbness that had filled me during the minister"s words of finality had melted away, overcome by the unbelievable sorrow as they had begun to lower Beth. Lower her to her resting place. I could hear my mother crying, Monica standing next to me had wept silently, her holding my right hand, Rebecca holding my left arm, as I, too wept silently. Not uttering a sound, just weeping. I could not stop the tears if I had tried, but I hadn"t wanted to. I needed to cry. I needed to release. I needed to grieve.

I felt frozen as I stood there, not really sure about who was around me, the numbness returning even though tears still slid from my eyes, warm as they seeped out, then freezing my face as the cold air hit them, making me shiver.

"Honey," I heard my mother say to my left, her hands wrapped around my arm. "Come on, honey." She whispered, her voice thick from emotion.

"No." I said. "I"m going to stay for a bit."

"Are you sure, baby?" I nodded, like a robot, not feeling the nod, just knowing I was nodding. "Okay. See you at home." Rebecca hugged and kissed me, then left with my parents. I felt someone standing beside me, and I turned to see it was the blonde who had sat next to Nora. She looked at me, smiled.

"You must be Em?" she said, surprising me by using Beth"s name for me. I nodded. She was very beautiful with long, blonde hair, swept back over her shoulders, her blue eyes clear and honest. "I"m Lana." She extended her hand, which on autopilot I took. "I, well, Beth and I lived together for five years." She turned and looked over at the stone that had kept my rapt attention. "I was with her when she," her voice broke just a bit. She cleared her throat, and turned back to me with a smile. "I heard a lot about you over the years. I always wanted to meet you. And here we are." I smiled weakly.

"I guess so." I said, my voice quiet, unrecognizable to myself.

"She used to talk about you all the time. At first I was almost jealous." She smiled again. I could understand how Beth had fallen in love with this woman. Her pure heart was placed upon her sleeve, as well as her undeniable grief. "Um, Em, I want you to know that Beth was happy. She was loved. Very much." She whispered, ducking her head for a moment. She seemed to get herself under control and smiled once again. "Anyway, just wanted to say h.e.l.lo."

"Thank you, Lana." I said, trying to smile through the newest a.s.sault of tears. G.o.d, how could anything be so painful? Lana took a step closer to me, and before I knew it, I was enveloped in a strong hug. I hugged her back, then she pulled back from me, not even looking at me again. She made her way through the cemetery, her black pant suit the only thing visible on her after awhile, until she was gone. I turned back to Beth"s stone, taking a step closer.

"Emily? Emily, wake up,"

I opened my eyes to see Candice standing over me. "What?" I muttered.

"Come on. The study group?" she said, patting her backpack that hung from her arm.

"What about it?" I asked groggily, turning to my other side, giving her a nice view of my back.

"Remember? We"re all getting together for the lit cla.s.s final?"

"Not goin"." I muttered, then closed my eyes. I had no desire whatsoever to get out of bed, let alone go to some stupid study group. I slept through Sat.u.r.day, not giving a s.h.i.t about finals. Let whatever would happen, happen. I didn"t need it. I felt such a heavy weight on me since the party at Richard"s. Nothing mattered. Why the h.e.l.l should I care if Beth didn"t give a s.h.i.t? I was tired of caring. I didn"t want to care anymore. Why did she have to come back into my life? I was doing just fine! I squeezed my eyes shut as I felt liquid warmth seep out, wetting my pillow, then darkness as sleep once again claimed me.

The darkness dissipated as I heard pounding. Pounding that wouldn"t stop. G.o.d, what now? Couldn"t they just let me sleep through a G.o.dd.a.m.n Sat.u.r.day?

"What!" I bellowed, my head ringing with the yell.

"Em?" came the m.u.f.fled reply. I quirked open an eye. What the h.e.l.l?

"Go away!"

"Let me in!" the doork.n.o.b rattled, and I just got more irritated.

"Go the f.u.c.k away, whoever you are!" I yelled again, throwing one of my pillows to emphasize my point. Then I jumped as the person kicked the door. My G.o.d. With a growl I jumped from the bed, hurried over to the door, unlocked it, walking back to my bed. The door opened, and I plopped down on the mattress, grabbing my trusty teddy, Ruffles as I sat, holding him close to my chest. Beth barged in, storming to the middle of the room. She looked worried, angry, and all sorts of other things, none of them happy, as she stared down at me, her hands on her hips. "Go away, Beth." I said into the fur on top of Ruffles head.

"What the h.e.l.l are you doing, Em?" she asked, her voice hard, angry.

"What do you mean? What am I doing. I"m attempting to sleep, that"s what I"m doing. My G.o.d, you"d think the world had never heard of sleeping in, for Christ"s sake."

"Sleeping in?" she repeated, nearly spitting the words out at me.

"Yeah. I know you sure as h.e.l.l know all about that."

"You"ve been sleeping in, alright. Do you have any clue what day it is?" she took a step forward. I glared back up at her.

"Sat.u.r.day? At," I glanced over at the clock, "one-thirty in the afternoon."

"Try Monday at one-thirty in the afternoon, Em." She barked out. I looked at her, incredulous. No. Couldn"t be. "Your roommate was worried about you. She hunted me down after cla.s.s today. Said you didn"t do any studying this weekend. Didn"t get out of bed this weekend. Em!" she took yet another step closer. "What the h.e.l.l are you doing?"

"What do you care, Beth? You get p.i.s.sed that I study so much as it is." I said, picking at Ruffles fur on his arm. She stared at me, stung. It felt good. It felt good to hurt her. My heart still hurt from Richard"s party. She was quiet for a moment, her hands running through her hair, studying the floor.

"What is this about, Em?" she finally said, her voice low, quiet. Unsure.

"Nothing, Beth. It"s about nothing." I tossed Ruffles aside. "Why are you here?" her head jerked up, her eyes narrowed. "Why don"t you just go find one of your flavor of the week girlfriends, and leave me the h.e.l.l alone, okay?" her entire face fell, as did her shoulders, only to regain composure. She took in a deep breath, and stared at me, fire entering her eyes.

"Is this about that stupid game?" she nearly growled. I stared up at her, frightened for just a moment. "Is that it, Em?"

"You took your shot, Beth. That was your prerogative." I said, my voice hard. She smiled, though no humor lined those lips, and nodded to herself.

"That"s it. Because I wouldn"t f.u.c.king admit to,-" she cut herself off.

"What?" I challenged. "Admit to what, Beth?" I unfolded myself on my bed, and stood. "Admit to what, Beth?"

"Stop it. This is ridiculous."

"Is it?" she glared at me.

"Stop it, Em. I"m warning you."

I took a step closer. I could feel the heat falling from her in waves. She was nearly vibrating with it, though what exactly what "it" was, I didn"t know.

"Or what? Huh?" I reached her, staring up into her face. Her fists were clenched at her sides.

"You want to hear it? Hmm? You want me to answer your f.u.c.king question? Is that it?" she said through clenched teeth.

"Would be nice."

"Don"t do this, Em." To my surprise I saw fear flash through those eyes. Just as quickly it was gone. "Fine. I"ll answer your f.u.c.king question." she growled. I sucked in my breath as she lunged, grabbing two handfuls of my shirt, whipping me around until my back was slammed against the wall. A picture crashed to the floor next to me. I wrapped my fingers around her hands that still held my shirt, Beth"s body pressed against mine, her jean-clad leg held against me, my boxers digging in. "You want to hear who I"d kiss?" Beth rumbled, her face mere inches from mine. She had me pinned to the wall, but I don"t know that I would have moved had I been able to. I just stared into her eyes, twin pools of icy fire. "You, Em. I would have kissed you " her eyes traveled my face, taking in my wide eyes, then down my nose, to my lips where they stayed. "I"ve always wanted to kiss you, Em. Still do." the last whispered.

"Then do it." I whispered back. Her eyes left my lips, and met my own. So many things pa.s.sed through them; uncertainty, fear, hope, and mostly, desire. The room was filled with the sound of our heavy breaths as we stared at each other. My fingers tightened on her hands, begging her. She clutched my shirt tighter, and roughly pulled me to her, crushing her lips against mine, pinning me further to the wall, her leg sliding between my own. Her tongue pushed through my closed lips, forcing me to let her in, a whimper escaping her throat. She pushed further into my body, her hands loosening their hold on the material, and grasping my shoulders. My hands released her hands, and slid up her forearms until they snaked up around her neck, bringing her in closer. Her mouth began to slow, and soften against my own, her rough taking turning to the soft bestowing of gifts of her tongue, lips, teeth.

"Beth," I breathed into her mouth, still amazed that she was here, that she was kissing me, that it was her arms and body around me.

"I"m here." she whispered, her hands sliding down my shoulders, her fingers sneaking up the short sleeves of the tee, rubbing the bare skin of my upper arms and shoulders. My own hands began to stroke her neck, bury themselves into her thick hair, and eventually find themselves at the collar of her jacket, tugging at it, pulling the leather off of her, down her shoulders, and finally down her arms. Beth tossed the coat to the floor, and came back to me, pressing herself against me again. I could feel her b.r.e.a.s.t.s through the thin material of her shirt, pressed against mine. I moaned, feeling as if I had never been touched before. As if Beth"s kiss and touch was water to a drowning woman. The last life-line.

I felt Beth"s hands begin to roam down my shirt, stroking my sides on their way down, finally finding the hem of my shirt, and slipping under, tugging my shirt over my head. I lifted my arms, as she took it completely off, throwing it behind her to the floor. Beth returned to my mouth, but her hands cupped my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, the nipples already hard against her palms. I needed to feel her against me, skin on skin. I tugged at her shirt, freeing it from the waistband of her jeans, and tugging it over her head. Beth had never been one for bras, so I looked down at her. She was magnificent. She shook her hair free, and pressed against me, both of us moaning at the touch. Fire was sweeping through me at rampant speed.

I gasped as she pushed her thigh further into me, pressing against me as her mouth devoured my own. My fingers dug into her shoulders as her lips left mine, beginning to kiss and lick down my jaw, my head lifting to give her as much access as she wanted; needing to feel her, my skin on fire. She sucked on my neck, biting as her hands slid down my back, fingers dipping into the waistband of my boxers, caressing the smooth skin of my rear end. I brought my hands down to the front of Beth"s jeans, and fiddled with the fly, trying to get them unb.u.t.toned, then unzipped, pushing them down her legs. Beth got the hint, and stepped out of them, kicking them behind her. Now we stood, me against the wall, Beth against me, both in just our underwear.

It struck me in that moment as Beth returned to my mouth, kissing me long and deep, just exactly what the term making love meant. Before that moment, I had never had any clue to the real meaning.

I pushed away from the wall, pushing against Beth, toward my bed. She backed up, our lips never missing a beat. The back of Beth"s legs. .h.i.t the mattress, and she let herself fall back, taking me with her, her arms wrapped around my waist, pulling into her. It felt unbelievable to be completely pressed against Beth. It all seemed like a dream that I prayed I would not wake from any time soon.

Beth rolled us over, scooting me up so I laid back against the pillows. She held herself up on her arms, stared down at me. I ran my fingers up and down her back, looking into those eyes that at times haunted me.

"I"ve waited so long." she whispered.

"Me, too."

"I love you, Em." she leaned her head down, giving me the softest kiss.

"I love you, too, Beth." she stared at me for a moment longer, then kissed me for all she was worth, pouring everything she felt into the kiss, leaving me breathless. She pulled away from me, kneeling as she removed her underwear, flinging them off the side of the bed, then reaching for my boxers, staring me in the eye as she slid them down my legs, and over the side they went. She stared at my body as I laid back, feasting on me, running her hand up my leg, fingertips teasing the wiry hair between my legs before they continued to trial up over my stomach, then both hands found my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, causing me to suck in a breath. I arched into her touch, craving it.

She pulled me up, pulling me onto her lap so I was straddling her, my arms around her neck, fingers in her hair as once again she found my mouth, her hands on my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, thumbs playing with my nipples, causing shooting waves to flow through my body. She wrapped her arms under mine, her hands cupping my shoulders as she pushed me back some, her mouth seeking my b.r.e.a.s.t.s still tingled from her fingers. I closed my eyes, mouth opening in a silent moan as Beth"s lips wrapped around my right nipple, and began to suckle me, her tongue swiping across it, sending fresh jolts of desire through me, landing squarely south.

To my surprise, I felt a hand leave my shoulder, and begin to trail back down, disappearing between our bodies, and my legs. I leaned up a bit on my knees as Beth"s fingers pushed through into the immense slickness that greeted her. She moaned as she slid those fingers through the wetness, caressing me, stroking me, until finally she entered me. I breathed into the side of her neck as I was filled, her fingers sliding out only to slide right back in. I began to move my body against her, with her until I was gasping as I rode her hand, my hips pumping as fast as her hand. I closed my eyes, no longer able to keep them open as all I could do was feel. The sensations were mind blowing.

With her free hand, Beth pushed my head back to hers, her mouth finding mine, our breathing mingling, her swallowing my moans and cries as I felt myself teetering on the edge. Then she pushed me over as she reached up with her thumb, pressing down on my c.l.i.t, rubbing it. Light filled me, and I exploded. Beth continued to pump, her thumb stroking until my body stilled, jerking slightly with a small aftershock. She pushed me back, and laid on top of me, her body between my legs. We kissed, long and hard, my heart still pounding out of control in my chest, my breathing just beginning to get back to normal, only to increase once again as I thought of all the things I wanted to do to Beth.

I had to have my mouth on her, so I flipped her over, me straddling her hips. We were breast to breast. I stared down at her, and I could see the hunger in her eyes, shining, sending bolts of lightning through my body with just one glance. I kissed her, softly, gently, waiting for her to open her lips, invite me in. Didn"t take long. The kiss remained soft, exploring, until with a sigh, Beth wrapped her arms around me, running her hands down my back until she cupped my rear, pulling me further into her. The kiss began to heat up, setting both on fire again. It became desperate, fighting for s.p.a.ce in my mouth, then in hers, animalistic, her hips grinding against me, searching for some sort of relief. I broke from the kiss, and began to kiss down Beth"s body, sucking on her nipples, caressing her b.r.e.a.s.t.s with hands, fingers, and mouth., Beth moaning my name, and slightly pushing down on my shoulders, needing my mouth on her. I continued down, able to smell and feel her heat as I got closer, my body snaking down between her legs. When finally I reached her, I spread her legs a bit wider with my hands on the insides of her thighs, and I looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

"Please," she husked, and I smiled, gladly obliging. I lowered my mouth between Beth"s legs, and took in her smell before snaking my tongue out, swiping it up her length, gathering her wetness on my tongue, spreading it, smiling in satisfaction at her shiver. As I lowered my head again, I felt Beth"s hands in my hair, guiding me, fingers stroking my scalp. I had never wanted to please a woman as badly as I did that day. Beth meant so much to me, and I wanted her to know it. I brought her to the point where her hips were bucking wildly, her hands pressing my face into her, needing that release that at that moment, only I could give, which I did, with pleasure.

I kissed the insides of her thighs, and worked my way up as Beth tried to get her breathing under control, until I lay on top of her again, and kissed her gently. She wrapped her arms around me, holding me close, whispering soft words into my mouth. As we kissed, we began to move together, neither sated, as Beth"s hips began a slow grind, our tongues mimicking the action. I pushed myself up onto my elbows, my fingers digging into the pillow on either side of Beth"s head as our kiss deepened, our hips quickening their pace from slow and leisurely to fast and hard. Beth began to pant into my mouth, her hands squeezing, and pulling me further into her, deepening the contact until both our bodies began to tremble, our skin slick from sweat and juices. I broke the kiss, burying my face against Beth"s neck, biting the skin as I came, thrusting hard against her, my cries m.u.f.fled.

"My G.o.d," Beth whispered, holding me close, her face buried in my hair.

"My G.o.d." I repeated.

I opened my eyes to see that it had gotten dark outside. A smile played across my face as I soaked in the heat that ran along the back of my body, the arms that held me fast, and the warm breath against the back of my neck. With a contented sigh, I closed my eyes.

With a small moan, I turned over onto my back, the smile firmly in place before I even opened my eyes. I knew it was morning, and reached my arms up over my head to stretch, feeling almost like a cat. Then realization dawned on me, and I opened my eyes, looking to my right. Nothing. I sat up, looking around the room. No Beth. Candice"s bed was already made, her bag tossed onto it. I squinted as I looked over at the alarm clock, and saw it was nearly eight. I had a final at nine-thirty. I got up form the bed, pulling a tee over my head, and looked around. No note, nothing. I had a bad feeling in my stomach, and threw on the rest of my clothes, and headed out of the room, pulling a baseball cap over my uncombed hair, ran to the next building.

I stood outside the door, impatiently waiting for my knock to be answered. I heard movement in the room. I looked up and down the hall where I stood, where Beth"s dorm was. Everything was quiet. Finally the door opened. I blinked in surprise when I saw Kelly, Beth"s roommate.

"Hey, Emily." she said, her voice groggy. She rubbed her eyes.

"Sorry to wake you, Kelly. Where"s Beth? Did she already go to her cla.s.s?" I didn"t think she had a final that morning, but I could only hope. Kelly looked at me, her brows drawn.

"Emily, you mean you don"t know? I mean, I figured of anyone, you would have known."

"Known what?" I tried to keep the irritation as well as worry from my voice. Don"t think I succeeded.

"Beth left."

"What?" Kelly nodded her dark head.

"Yeah. She left early this morning. Got all her stuff, shoved it into her bags, and off she went. Didn"t even wake me up. Heard her as she was leaving. I asked her what was up, and all she said was good-bye."

I stared at Beth"s roommate, her dark eyes looking sad.

"She just went home for the holidays, right?" I said, my voice weak, already knowing the answer. Kelly shook her head.

"I don"t think so, Emily. I think she"s just gone." I swallowed, and took a deep breath. Trying to put on a smile, "Thanks, Kelly."

I turned away, hearing the soft click as the door was closed behind me. I bit my bottom lip, and walked toward the door to the stairs.

PART 10.

I LOOKED TO BETH"S stone, and was surprised to see that the guys had already finished burying it. I looked around, trying to shake memory from my mind, and saw them driving the back ho back toward the utility house further into the cemetery. It truly was just me and Beth. I took a step forward, standing just at the edge of the new dirt. I wiped a wet snowflake out of my eye. Or was that a tear? I wasn"t sure anymore. I gazed around and saw the green tarp covering, the words Pioneer Cemetery printed in white lettering. I smiled slightly.

"Well, Beth. Looks like we finally made it to Pioneer, huh?" I looked back to her stone, the wind my only answer. "You"re right. It is beautiful."

My thoughts returned to that Christmas in college. That time during finals week when Beth and I had been together, and I relived the pain of waking up to find out that Beth had not only left my bed, but the school, and my life. For ten years.

"Why did you go, Beth?" I asked the gray winter sky. "Why? Was it a way of running again? You know, after that I didn"t date for a very long time." I smiled ruefully. "I thought it was bad luck. I decided to just study, worry about cla.s.ses, and being the best. I was the best." I buried my gloved hands into the pocket of my overcoat. "Until I met Rebecca, seven years ago, I really thought that was it for me. I really thought you had ruined it for me, Beth."

The snow was beginning to come down in earnest now, though it was not too cold. I lifted my head, closed my eyes, and stuck my tongue out, catching half a dozen flakes into my mouth. I grinned and looked back to Beth"s stone.

"Remember our snow days? G.o.d, we had fun, didn"t we?" I looked down to the winter-dead gra.s.s at my feet, the brittle blades crunching under my feet. "You know, for ten years I tried to get you out of my mind. Yet, I couldn"t stay away from your plays. Go figure." I chuckled quietly. "I took Rebecca to see your play on our first date. You were playing Pippa in that strange production of "Storage". Very strange play, might I add. But you were great. As always." I kicked at a small ball of snow that had begun to form. "Ten years, Beth. Ten years too long."

I walked in the door from a late day at the office, and Rebecca had been out with a friend. I dropped my briefcase and jacket onto the couch, and glanced over at the answering machine. The light was beeping. I pressed play, and began to sort through the mail.

"Bill, bill, junk, bill, junk, hmm. Coupons. Bill,-"

"Hi, Em. This is Beth."

I stopped the stack of mail in my hand, and looked down at the machine. Beth"s voice sounded far away and metallic over the speaker. I was stunned.

"I"m in town this week, and would really like to see you. You know, kind of touch base with my old roots. So, if you"d like to get together, um, give me a call in my hotel room." I listened dumbly as she recited her number, my heart beating quickly in my chest. I pushed play again.

G.o.d, had it only been last year that that had happened? I stared off at the rows of stones that led up the hill, most at least a hundred years old. All its rich history had been one reason why Beth had loved Pioneer so much. Just a year ago.

I could hear my blood pounding in my ears as I listened to the rings on the phone, part of me so tempted to just slam the phone down, and not deal with it. I had cleared my head and heart of Beth Sayers long ago. I did not need a reminder. I- "h.e.l.lo?" came the low, husky voice I remembered too well. I was struck speechless for a moment. "h.e.l.lo?"

"Uh, hi." I closed my eyes, feeling really stupid.

"Hi. Em?" came the quiet question, the hope unmistakable.

"h.e.l.lo, Beth. How are you?" I opened my eyes, and plopped down on the couch, my fingers playing with the phone cord nervously.

"I"m fine. You?"