Kadi slid off the wagon seat and placed herself between the boy and the two Simes. "Don"t be frightened," she said. "n.o.body"s going to hurt you."
"They"re gonna kill me!"
"No. Look at me... Billy, isn"t it?"
The boy nodded.
Kadi held out her arms. "Look-I"m Gen, like you. I"m not frightened, Billy, because Rimon and I have found out that Simes don"t have to kill to take selyn from Gens."
Wide-eyed, the boy shrank back, shaking his head with his gaze riveted on Kadi. "No-no, they kill-they"ll kill you no matter what you say or do."
"Rimon took selyn from me," said Kadi, softly, convincingly. "I"m just fine, see?"
In one long, tense moment, the boy"s fight against hope became almost unbearable, and all Rimon could think was, Kadi, do something-do the right thing-now!
Impulsively, Kadi put one sheltering arm around the child"s shoulder. Her calm nager dissipated the stifling scream of the boy"s nerves, and the two Simes drew a deep Breath. Rimon said, "We mean you no harm, Billy. Listen to what Kadi is saying-try to understand."
The boy didn"t have much choice. Del owned him now. But as Rimon drove the wagon, talking softly to Del, the two Gens in the back also talked. By the time they made camp that night, Billy was not shrinking from the Simes, and his nager flared only if one of them made a sudden move.
It wasn"t until the following day that Billy spoke to either Rimon or Del voluntarily, and he continued to stick close to Kadi. Finally, though, he began to relax and forget his fears for longer and longer periods.
As Billy relaxed, so did Del. By the time they arrived at the land Rimon planned to claim, he had come to accept Billy at his side, as Kadi stayed at Rimon"s. When they unhitched the wagon, however, Del tended to Lightning and then left Kadi and Billy to tend to the draft horses.
As he came up beside Rimon, and began to help unload, he said, "Shuven! I"d forgotten all about my need!" He ran his fingers up and down his forearms to ease the sudden cramping there, the sick flutter in the pit of his stomach communicating forcefully to Rimon.
"Easy," muttered Rimon, breathing deeply, mustering his will as if to combat his own need.
After a moment, Del began heaving sacks with Rimon, saying, "What you said-it"s true, Rimon. When Billy"s around, I feel-pre-turnover. The first couple of days, when he was jumping at everything, it went through me like a shock, but now..."
"I know. He"s learning. We"re all learning, Del. It"s going to take lots of time-but we"re really onto something."
"I can see that-now. I had my doubts, but-Rimon, now I"m getting attached to the kid. What if-?"
"No "what ifs,"" Rimon said firmly, trying to will confidence into his friend. "You"ve never had all my crazy problems. It should be a lot easier for you, as long as Billy"s not afraid."
"Yeah..." Del said uncertainly. Then, "Hey! What are you doing?"
"Huh?"
"Did you learn that from Kadi? Your field, Rimon:-it"s as if you"re trying to calm me down the way she does. You don"t have her-what can you call it? texture? Shen, there aren"t any words for these things."
Rimon became aware of what he was doing. Yes, it was a poor imitation of Kadi"s technique. He laughed. "It"s incredible, Del-what we can learn from Gens!"
"Wherever you learned it, it sure is better than those mad fluctuations you used to have."
"Yeah. Well, I haven"t hit turnover yet, but I"ll bet that won"t happen anymore."
It didn"t. In fact, Rimon was hardly aware of his turnover; he simply found himself on the decline into need a few days later, when Kadi took Billy off for one last briefing before he and Del made their attempt at transfer. Should have noticed, Rimon thought. My s.e.x drive disappeared. But he and Kadi had had no privacy since Del and Billy had joined them, so he"d only been relieved of an unfulfillable desire and had scarcely missed it. By next month, Rimon promised himself, we"ll have a cabin built. They had spent their time so far clearing one field and getting their first crop in, working side by side, the Simes doing the heavy work, the Gens driving the horses, planting the seeds, and otherwise contributing their share.
Now came the moment of truth. For the past two days, the same question had come over and over from both Del and Billy. "Just what am I supposed to do?"
Del repeated it again to Rimon as they waited for the Gens. Although Del"s nervousness was grating on his growing need, Rimon tried to retain his calm. "You do what feels right," he said. "Del, it"s really more up to Billy than to you. As long as he"s not scared, it"ll work."
"I really like Billy," said Del. "Not just because he can make me feel good, but he"s a good kid, you know? Smart.
shendi, Rimon, I never got to know a Gen as a person before. Billy and Kadi are-real to me. I don"t want them hurt."
"They won"t be."
"I don"t know. I"m so scared, I don"t know how Billy can help it."
"Fortunately, he can"t feel your fear, so all you have to do is put on a good act."
"I"ll be able to feel his."
"I know. I wish I could tell you more, Del-but it couldn"t have been worse between Kadi and me, and it worked for us. You"re conscious, and Billy knows that it can work. Kadi didn"t have that knowledge. She expected to die."
"She also loves you. Billy hardly knows any of us. He"s trying hard, and I"ve been trying hard but..."
"He"ll trust you after today, Del. Here they come. Let"s do it-and then we"ll have something to celebrate!"
It would be as much a first as Rimon and Kadi"s first transfer. As Del and Billy faced one another, Rimon and Kadi stood on either side of them. Rimon could feel Kadi trying to calm them, and he tried to reinforce her efforts with his own.
Del summoned a shaky smile as he held out his hands to Billy, tentacles tightly retracted. "Come on, Billy," he said, the confidence in his voice at sad variance with the trepidation in his nager. "I"m not going to hurt you. I"m asking for your help-only asking..."
"I know," Billy said, a palpable lie, although a genuine hope. He lifted trembling hands, placing them on Del"s forearms as the Sime held himself completely still. Rimon marveled at the boy"s courage, praying that it would hold long enough to complete the transfer.
When Billy"s hands were gripping him firmly, Del allowed his handling tentacles to extend... and finally his laterals, relief flooding him as he released the terrible tension it had taken to keep them retracted in the presence of Billy"s field. That relief counteracted the momentary shock Billy felt as the hot, wet laterals licked his skin. Rimon clearly felt both of them grasp emotional control. They"re going to be able to do it!
Time hung suspended. Then Del said, "Billy-"
The boy nodded firmly. "Do it!"
Del pulled him forward, their lips pressed firmly together, and Rimon rose into hyperconsciousness, living Del"s experience as if it were his own. The flow began, Del"s draw riding on a wave of Billy"s anxiety-but there was no pain, none of the searing, raw burn of killdraw. But Billy"s faint trepidation fed Del"s natural desire for killbliss-Rimon perceived Del"s demand increase the speed of his draw, seeking that unique satisfaction provided only by Gen fear.
Slow down" Rimon willed, but his field was nothing to Del now against Billy"s increasing agitation. The boy began to resist-and felt pain. Fear blossomed through his nager, adding fuel to the fire of Del"s killbliss. All control gone, Del drew against Billy"s pain and fear, pure animal instinct driving him to the ecstatic peak of satisfaction as Rimon reached out to tear them apart- Too late.
Only at the moment of total depletion-of death-was Rimon able to wrench Del"s hands and tentacles from Billy"s arms. There was only a brief shock of shen, for Del had reached repletion, and Rimon had interrupted only the natural termination.
Simultaneously, Kadi understood what had happened. Her revulsion pierced the two Simes, and Del turned on her. Even as he was reaching toward her, however, post-kill transients plunged him into hypoconsciousness, and her field ceased to affect him.
He stared at her, seeing her as Kadi. Then his eyes turned to Rimon, sharing haunted anguish. Together they focused on the slight, crumpled form on the ground. Del went to his knees next to Billy"s body, making half-articulate sounds, remorse so thick around him Rimon could almost taste it.
And then Del was crying. Kadi"s revulsion melted to compa.s.sion, releasing Rimon"s tears as well. Del touched the pitiful body, so full of life a few moments before. "I couldn"t stop!" he said. He closed his eyes, able now to shut out the sight as Rimon could not-but he couldn"t shut his mind to it. "Rimon, I didn"t want to stop. I couldn"t even think about stopping!"
"I zlinned what happened," said Rimon, his voice a tight whisper. "You did it right at first, Del. That"s what you"ve got to learn to maintain-"
Del turned on him in fury. "You think I"m going through that again? Make a friend and kill him? What do you think I am?"
"You don"t want to kill," protested Rimon.
"I didn"t want to kill Billy. But I want to kill, Rimon. I"m Sime-and so are you. You"d better take Kadi to the border, or you"ll kill her, too. Why did I ever listen to you? You couldn"t tell me what to do, because there"s nothing to be done! Last month was a fluke-you were unconscious. What are you going to do-have Kadi knock you out every time? You"re going to kill her, Rimon, and I"m not going to stay and watch!"
Rimon knew that guilt and sorrow prompted Del"s harsh words. Nonetheless, they preyed on him as his need deepened day by day. Over and over, Del"s words came back, I want to kill. I"m Sime, and so are you.
Was Del right? Could Rimon keep from killing Kadi, or would the killbliss take him helplessly once again? He picked up the split wood and piled it with the rest-and saw immense irony in that great stack of firewood. Who was going to use it?
The test had to come soon. In another day, Rimon"s need would be beyond even the control his peculiar history had given him. Beyond Kadi"s control? He was afraid to find out.
He had deliberately left Kadi at their campsite today, sewing a jumpsuit for herself out of the blue material. Her few clothes were in tatters after their adventures and hard work.
His fathers concern, Rimon realized, had also affected him. Was Kadi controlling him? He"d come away from her to try to think straight... and discovered that he was just as confused-even more so. No, he was sure it was not a false perception. Kadi only let him be himself.
She was waiting for him, wearing her new outfit, her bright red hair tied back with a strip of the blue fabric.
He sensed she was preparing herself for him, fresh and clean and new.
Stalling for time, he laid the armload of wood he"d brought back beside the small fire Kadi had started, saying, "Why don"t you make us some tea, Kadi, while I clean up?"
She agreed easily, her nager soothing him as he washed up and came to sit beside her, accepting the tea. After they had taken a few sips, though, she said, "We ought to do it now, Rimon."
"Do it?"
"Have... transfer. I know you can drive yourself another couple of days, but you don"t have to do that anymore. You"re not avoiding a kill now."
"Kadi-"
"I want it, Rimon. I can"t-can"t stand to see you in need like this. It-hurts. I can"t explain it-it just does."
Rimon met her eyes over his trail cup, aware of the swirling interlocked fields that made up her nager. It was almost as if he could see into the very center of her being, and he was falling, falling into eternity.
"Rimon?"
"Hmmm," said Rimon, blinking his way forcibly duo-conscious.
"I said I want to give you my selyn, and then-I want to make love to you. It will be... a consecration of our new home."
He shook his head, not in negation, but bewilderment. "I wonder if all Gens are as-strange to understand as you."
Kadi c.o.c.ked her head to one side, also bewildered. "It seems quite plain to me. The place of life and love is the place of home__no?"
Rimon put his cup on a hearthstone and watched it steam. "Right now, love is just a word. I remember it was nice-worth dying for, even-but I can"t feel it. I"m too busy-dying-myself to feel anything else. Except fear. Kadi, what if I-what if I can"t? What if I hurt you?"
"You won"t. I"m not going to let you."
With a forced quirk of a smile, Rimon said, "What are you going to do, take a stick of wood and knock me out?"
Kadi laughed. "No." But there was an undercurrent of anxiety beneath it, increasing Rimon"s own anxiety. That faint fear in Kadi"s nager, which she was trying so hard to control, reminded him only too much of Billy"s nager when he"d begun transfer with Del. Rimon knew exactly what had happened there: the slight anxiety had triggered killdraw against resistance; Billy had felt pain, causing fear; and his fear had driven Del to the kill.
If only I could control my rate of draw, Rimon thought. He sighed, and got up, walking to the edge of the s.p.a.ce they had cleared, where their house would be. If we ever have reason to build a house.
Looking up the rocky hillside, he could see the mound of earth over Billy"s grave, still a scar on the face of their new home. In his mind"s eye, he saw a second grave yawning open, and shuddered with the effort of thrusting the thought aside.
Kadi came up beside him, putting her hand on his shoulder. "Rimon-look-maybe Del failed because it only works between male and female? We don"t know. We don"t know what makes it work, but we do know that, for us, it does work. Isn"t that where every new advance starts? First somebody finds out how to do it. Then somebody makes a fancy theory out of it First thing you know, everybody takes it for granted. Well, we"re just starting. We don"t have a theory. We don"t have to. We just do it."
Edging toward hyperconsciousness, Rimon zlinned her. Her control of her emotional nager was close to perfect again. Still, that small nagging fear was there beneath her desire.
Desire?
She was reflecting his need somehow, absorbing it, amplifying it, and playing it back to him in a new form of intense but painless desire. Her hands closed gently around his wrists, barely touching, sending waves of pleasure through his nerves. Slowly she slid her hands up his arms as he stood helplessly, knowing himself in her control and not caring. He didn"t care about anything except what Kadi was doing to him. ; Her anxiety lessened as she settled her hands over his transport nerves. She was in command. Confidence rose in him... Kadi"s confidence. His tentacles lashed about her arms of their own accord, his laterals drinking in the pure joy of her field. It was Kadi who made the lip contact, Kadi who began to pour selyn into Rimon. In pleasant surprise, he accepted... but it was tantalizingly slow. Against his will, need and pure instinct drove him to draw that selyn faster and faster to feed his depleted nerves.
Kadi started in surprise, on the edge of fear as Rimon"s draw increased. Reflexively, she resisted and felt pain, just as Billy had. No! Rimon reached into himself and shut off the voracious demand, his whole body screaming against his will. And suddenly, Kadi relaxed, all resistance gone as once more she began to push selyn at him, a little faster this time.
And then there was no more pain, only soaring bliss for both of them, the same intense joy they had shared a month ago... no-this time it was better! Conscious, Rimon could feel every sweet thrum of pleasure, the stark terrors of need melting away to be replaced by-desire.
Even before the last trickle of selyn ceased, Rimon found his mouth softening upon Kadi"s to a demanding kiss. Her lips yielded, and as the flow terminated with their fields in perfect harmony, a desire almost as strong as need sang through both of them, resonating and overpowering.
Rimon reached for the ties that held Kadi"s jumpsuit at her shoulders. When those and her belt were untied, the garment slithered to the ground. He didn"t want to stop touching her long enough to shrug out of his own clothes, but Kadi was helping him, and then they were in each other"s arms.
They made love eagerly, hungrily, driven by a mutual yearning, Rimon delirious from the sheer tactile sensations that faded so during need, and Kadi awakened after long abstinence. It was better than the first time-an improvement on perfection, Rimon thought, as he became enough aware to think again. His head was pillowed on Kadi"s breast. Too languidly content to sit up, he slid into a position beside her from which he could look at her face. It felt so good just to look.
She turned to him, smiling. "I told you we could do it again."
Smiling crookedly, he said, "Are you always going to say, "I told you so"?"
"Only when it suits the occasion. You"re glowing again."
"I didn"t know I could feel better than the first time. But I do."
"Me, too. Maybe it"ll just keep getting better."
"If it does, next time it"ll blow out my whole system" or yours. "Kadi-I hurt you. I know I did."
"Only for a moment. You just startled me, and-I think I resisted you, and it hurt. It makes sense that that"s a Gen reflex, doesn"t it-to try to prevent a Sime from draining away all his selyn?"
"Yes," he said. "Now that I"ve been fully conscious through a transfer, I know that"s it. You can overcome that reflex, Kadi-but how are we going to teach other Gens to do it?"
"It wasn"t just me! Rimon, you did something, and it stopped hurting long enough so I remembered how desperate you felt, and then suddenly I could feel it myself a-need to give..."
That sounded like a child"s bad grammar-need to give indeed! But he remembered, "I think I did slow my draw for just a moment. I couldn"t hold it though."
She put a hand on the middle of his chest, and he felt a little tingling tremor there. Suddenly there were pale ghosts of nager around things, and he was duoconscious, tingling pleasantly all over as she said, "Maybe next time you"ll be able to hold it a little longer. We"ll have to teach the Simes to go slower and the Gens not to resist."
"But how-V "I think we should wait a while," said Kadi. "If we build our house and get all our land cleared, and just live together, people are going to notice. Then, maybe if we show them how we do it-"
"Oh, no!" he groaned, nuzzling her hair and luxuriating in the feel of it. "Somehow I can"t see us doing this in public. I"m certainly in no mood to give a lecture!"
Kadi had become intensely desirable again. The sun glinted on her bright hair, her blue eyes danced an invitation, she smelled deliciously sweet, and as he began to caress her once more, the very feel of her sent sparks of joy charging down his spine, wiping away the invisible scars Of a lifetime.