"Will I ever be like I was again?" Bruce asked.
"What you were brought you here. If you become what you were again then sooner or later it"d bring you here again. Next time you might not make it here, even. Isn"t that right? You"re lucky you got here; you almost didn"t get here."
"Somebody else drove me here."
"You"re fortunate. The next time they might not. They might dump you on the side of the freeway somewhere and say the h.e.l.l with it."
He continued mopping.
"The best way is to do the bowls first, then the tub, then the toilets, and the floor last."
"Okay," he said, and put the mop away.
"There"s a certain knack to it. You"ll master it."
Concentrating, he saw before him cracks in the enamel of the basin; he dribbled cleaner down into the cracks and ran hot water. The steam rose, and he stood within it, unmoving, as the steam grew. He liked the smell.
After lunch he sat in the lounge drinking coffee. No one spoke to him, because they understood he was withdrawing. Sitting drinking from his cup, he could hear their conversation. They all knew one another.
"If you could see out from inside a dead person you could still see, but you couldn"t operate the eye muscles, so you couldn"t focus. You couldn"t turn your head or your eyeb.a.l.l.s. All you could do would be wait until some object pa.s.sed by. You"d be frozen. Just wait and wait. It"d be a terrible scene."
He gazed down at the steam of his coffee, only that. The steam rose; he liked the smell.
"Hey."
A hand touched him. From a woman.
"Hey."
He looked sideways a little.
"How you doing?"
"Okay," he said.
"Feel any better?"
"I feel okay," he said. He watched his coffee and the steam and did not look at her or any of them; he looked down and down at the coffee. He liked the warmth of the smell.
"You could see somebody when they pa.s.sed by directly in front of you, and only then. Or whichever way you were looking, no other. If a leaf or something floated over your eye, that would be it, forever. Only the leaf. Nothing more; you couldn"t turn."
"Okay," he said, holding the coffee, the cup with both his hands.
"Imagine being sentient but not alive. Seeing and even knowing, but not alive. Just looking out. Recognizing but not being alive. A person can die and still go on. Sometimes what looks out at you from a person"s eyes maybe died back in childhood. What"s dead in there still looks out. It"s not just the body looking at you with nothing in it; there"s still something in there but it died and just keeps on looking and looking; it can"t stop looking."
Another person said, "That"s what it means to die, to not be able to stop looking at whatever"s in front of you. Some darn thing placed directly there, with nothing you can do about it such as selecting anything or changing anything. You can only accept what"s put there as it is."
"How"d you like to gaze at a beer can throughout eternity? It might not be so bad. There"d be nothing to fear."
Before dinner, which was served to them in the dining room, they had Concept time. Several Concepts were put on the blackboard by different staff members and discussed. He sat with his hands folded in his lap, watching the floor and listening to the big coffee urn heating up; it went _whoopwhoop_, and the sound frightened him.
"_Living and unliving things are exchanging properties_."
Seated here and there on folding chairs, everyone discussed that. They seemed familiar with the Concept. Evidently these were parts of New-Path"s way of thought, perhaps even memorized and then thought about again and again. _Whoop-whoop_.
"_The drive of unliving things is stronger than the drive of living things_."
They talked about that. _Whoop-whoop_. The noise of the coffee urn got louder and louder and scared him more, but he did not move or look; he sat where he was, listening. It was hard to hear what they were saying, because of the urn.
"We are incorporating too much unliving drive within us. And exchanging-- Will somebody go look at that d.a.m.n coffeepot to see why it"s doing that?"
There was a break while someone examined the coffee urn. He sat staring down, waiting.
"I"ll write this again. "_We are exchanging too much pa.s.sive life for the reality outside us_.""
They discussed that. The coffee urn became silent, and they trooped over to get coffee.
"Don"t you want some coffee?" A voice behind him, touching him. "Ned? Bruce? What"s his name--Bruce?"
"Okay." He got up and followed them to the coffee urn. He waited his turn. They watched as he put cream and sugar into his cup. They watched him return to his chair, the same one; he made certain he found it again, to reseat himself and go on listening. The warm coffee, its steam, made him feel good.
"_Activity does not necessarily mean life. Quasars are active. And a monk meditating is not inanimate_."
He sat looking at the empty cup; it was a china mug. Turning it over, he discovered printing on the bottom, and cracked glaze. The mug looked old, but it had been made in Detroit.
"_Motion that is circular is the deadest form of the universe_."
Another voice said, "Time."
He knew the answer to that. Time is round.
"Yes, we"ve got to break now, but does anyone have a fast final comment?"
"Well, following the line of least resistance, that"s the rule of survival. Following, not leading."
Another voice, older, said, "Yes, the followers survive the leader. Like with Christ. Not vice versa."
"We better eat, because Rick stops serving exactly at fivefifty now."
"Talk about that in the Game, not now."
Chairs screaked, creaked. He rose too, carried the old mug to the tray of others, and joined them in line out. He could smell cold clothes around him, good smells but cold. It sounds like they"re saying pa.s.sive life is good, he thought. But there is no such thing as pa.s.sive life. That"s a contradiction. He wondered what life was, what it meant; maybe he did not understand.
A huge bunch of donated flashy clothes had arrived. Several people stood with armfuls, and some had put shirts on, trying them out and getting approval.
"Hey, Mike. You"re a sharp dude."
In the middle of the lounge stood a short stocky man, with curly hair and pug face; he shifted his belt, frowning. "How do you work this here? I don"t see how you get it to stay. Why doesn"t it loosen?" He had a three-inch buckleless belt with metal rings and he did not know how to cinch the rings. Glancing around, eyes twinkling, he said, "I think they gave me one n.o.body else could work."
Bruce went over behind him, reached around him, and cinched the belt looped back through the rings.
"Thanks," Mike said. He sorted through several dress shirts, lips pursed. To Bruce he said, "When I get married I"m going to wear one of these."
"Nice," he said. Mike strolled toward two women at the far end of the lounge; they smiled. Holding a burgundy floral shirt up against himself, Mike said, "I"m going out on the town."
"All right, go in and get dinner!" the house director yelled briskly, in his powerful voice. He winked at Bruce. "How you doing, fella?"
"Fine," Bruce said.
"Sound like you got a cold."
"Yes," he agreed, "it"s from coming off. Could I have any Dristan or--"
"No chemicals," the house director said. "Nothing. Hurry on in and eat. How"s your appet.i.te?"
"Better," he said, following. They smiled at him, from tables.
After dinner he sat halfway up the wide stairs to the second floor. No one spoke to him; a conference was taking place. He sat there until it finished. Everyone emerged, filling the hall. He felt them seeing him, and maybe some spoke to him. He sat on the stairs, hunched over, his arms wrapped around him, seeing and seeing. The dark carpet before his eyes. Presently no more voices.
"Bruce?"
He did not stir.
"Bruce?" A hand touched him. He said nothing.
"Bruce, come on into the lounge. You"re supposed to be in your room in bed, but, see, I want to talk to you." Mike led him by waving him to follow. He accompanied Mike down the stairs and into the lounge, which was empty. When they were in the lounge Mike shut the door. Seating himself in a deep chair, Mike indicated for him to sit down facing him. Mike appeared tired; his small eyes were ringed, and he rubbed his forehead.
"I been up since five-thirty this morning," Mike said. A knock; the door started to open. Very loudly, Mike yelled, "I want n.o.body to come in here; we"re talking. Hear?"
Mumbles. The door shut.
"Y"know, you better change your shirt a couple times a day," Mike said. "You"re sweating something fierce."
He nodded.
"What part of the state are you from?"
He said nothing.
"You come to me from now on when you feel this bad. I went through the same thing, about a year and a half ago. They used to drive me around in cars. Different staff members. You met Eddie? The tall thin drink-a-water that puts down everybody? He drove me for eight days around and around. Never left me alone." Mike yelled suddenly, "Will you get out of here? We"re in here talking. Go watch the TV." His voice sank, and he eyed Bruce. "Sometimes you got to do that. Never leave someone alone."
"I see," Bruce said.
"Bruce, be careful you don"t take your own life."
"Yes, sir," Bruce said, staring down.
"Don"t call me sir!"
He nodded.
"Were you in the Service, Bruce? Is that what it was? You got on the stuff in the Service?"
"No."
"You shoot it or drop it?"
He made no sound.
""Sir," " Mike said. "I"ve served, myself, ten years in prison. One time I saw eight guys in our row of cells cut their throats in one day. We slept with our feet in the toilet, our cells were that small. That"s what prison is, you sleep with your feet in the toilet. You never been in prison, have you?"
"No," he said.
"But on the other hand, I saw prisoners eighty years old still happy to be alive and wanting to stay alive. I remember when I was on dope, and I shot it; I started shooting when I was in my teens. I never did anything else. I shot up and then I went in for ten years. I shot up so much--heroin and D together--that I never did anything else; I never saw anything else. Now I"m off it and I"m out of prison and I"m here. You know what I notice the most? You know what the big difference is I notice? Now I can walk down the street outside and see something. I can hear water when we visit the forest--you"ll see our other facilities later on, farms and so forth. I can walk down the street, the ordinary street, and see the little dogs and cats. I never saw them before. All I saw was dope." He examined his wrist.w.a.tch. "So," he added, "I understand how you feel."
"It"s hard," Bruce said, "getting off."
"Everybody here got off. Of course, some go back on. If you left here you"d go back on. You know that."
He nodded.
"No person in this place has had an easy life. I"m not saying your life"s been easy. Eddie would. He"d tell you that your troubles are mickey mouse. n.o.body"s troubles are mickey mouse. I see how bad you feel, but I felt that way once. Now I feel a lot better. Who"s your roommate?"
"John."
"Oh yeah. John. Then you must be down in the bas.e.m.e.nt."
"I like it," he said.
"Yeah, it"s warm there. You probably get cold a lot. Most of us do, and I remember I did; I shook all the time, and c.r.a.pped in my pants. Well, I tell you, you won"t have to go through this again, if you stay here at New-Path."
"How long?" he said.
"The rest of your life."
Bruce raised his head.
"_I_ can"t leave," Mike said. "I"d get back on dope if I went out there. I"ve got too many buddies outside. I"d be back on the corner again, dealing and shooting, and then back in the prison for twenty years. You know--hey--I"m thirty-five years old and I"m getting married for the first time. Have you met Laura? My fiancee?"
He wasn"t sure.
"Pretty girl, plump. Nice figure?"
He nodded.
"She"s afraid to go out the door. Someone has to go with her. We"re going to the zoo . . . we"re taking the Executive Director"s little boy to the San Diego Zoo next week, and Laura"s scared to death. More scared than I am."
Silence.