""What the devil have you done?" I asked, close to his ear.
""Opened that stink-pot," Farrell answered, taking two steps at a time. He gained the pavement and paused, turning on me.
""Lucky they can"t afford to keep a commissionaire.--How long do these things take, as a rule, before going off?"
""What things?" I asked.
""Maroons, don"t you call "em?" said he, feeling in a foolish sort of way at his breast-pocket, as if for his pince-nez. "I got the slow-match going with the end of my cigar, careless-like. How long do they take as a rule?"
"Well, a handsome detonation below-stairs answered him upon that instant.
"Farrell clutched my arm, and we ran."
NIGHT THE SIXTH.
THE ADVENTURE OF THE PICTUREDROME.
"Farrell could sprint," continued Jimmy. "You may have noticed that a lot of these round-bellied men have quite a good turn of speed for a short course. In spite of his fur coat he led by a yard or two: but this was partly because I hung back a little, on the chance of having to fight a rear-guard action.
"I could hear no shouts or footsteps in our wake, and this struck me as strange at the time. On second thoughts, however, I dare say the management and frequenters of the "Catalafina" have more than a bowing acquaintance with infernal machines. A daisy by the river"s brim . . . to them a simple maroon would be nothing to write home about, nor the sort of incident to justify telephoning for an inquisitive police. By the mercy of Heaven, too, we encountered no member of the Force in our flight. I suppose that constables are rare in Soho.
"Farrell led for a couple of blocks as an American writer would put it; dived down a side street to the right; sped like an arrow for a couple of hundred yards; then darted around another turning, again to the right. I put on a spurt and caught him by his fur collar.
"Look here," I said, "I don"t hear anyone in chase. We are the wicked fleeing, whom no man pursueth. I don"t quite understand why.
Maybe sulphuretted hydrogen"s their favourite perfume. They don"t use it in their bath, because . . . well, never mind. What I have to talk at this moment is mathematics. I don"t know how you reason it out; but to me it"s demonstrable that if we keep turning to the right like this we shall find ourselves back at the door of your infernal "Catalafina." Inevitably," I said, nodding at him in a way calculated to convince.
""Allow me," he answered, and promptly wrung my hand. "I ought t"have warned you--I always run in circles, this condish"n.
Bad habit: never could break myself. "Scuse me; haven"t been drunk for years." He pulled himself up and eyed me earnestly. "Wha"s your suggest"n under shirk.u.mstanches? Retrace steps?"
""As I figure it out," said I, sweet and reasonable, "that also would lead us back to the "Catalafina.""
""Quite so," he agreed, nodding back as I nodded. "Case hopelesh, then. No posh"ble way out."
""Well, I don"t know," said I. "If we go straight on until we find a turning to the left. . . . And look here," I put in, grabbing him again, for he was starting to run. "Since there"s no one in chase apparently, I suggest that we walk. It looks better, if we meet a constable: though there seems to be none about ... so far."
""Scand"lous!" said Farrell.
""What"s scandalous?" I asked.
""Lax"ty Metr"pl"t"n P"lice." He took me by a b.u.t.tonhole, finger and thumb. "Dish--district notorious. One-worst-Lond"n. Dish--d.a.m.n the word--distr"ck like this, anything might happen any moment.
Mus" speak about it. . . . You just wait till I"m on County Counshle."
"I took him by the arm and steered him. I did it beautifully, though it"s undeniable that I had taken wine to excess. I did it so beautifully that we met not a living soul--or if we did, Otty, I failed to remark it. . . . I don"t suppose it was really happening as I felt it was happening. I just tell how it felt. . . . Farrell and I were ranging arm-in-arm through a quarter that had mysteriously hushed and hidden itself at our approach. There were pianos tinkling from upper storeys: there were m.u.f.fled choruses with banjo or guitar accompaniments humming up from the bowels of the earth: there were c.h.i.n.ks of light between blinds, under doorways, down areas.
There was even a flare of light, now and again, blaring to gramophone accompaniment across the street from a gin-palace or a corner public.
But the gla.s.s of these places of entertainment was all opaque, and there were no loungers on the kerb in front of any. . . . I held Farrell tightly beneath the elbow, and steered through this enchanted purlieu.
""S"pose you know where you"re heading?" said Farrell after a while.
""On these occasions," said I, "one steers by the pole-star."
""Where is it?" he demanded.
""At this moment, so far as I can judge," I a.s.sured him, "it is shining accurately on the back of your neck."
"Of a sudden we found ourselves at the head of a pavement lined with the red stern-lights of a rank of cabs and taxis. I had not the vaguest notion of its name: but the street was obviously one of those curious ones, unsuspected, and probably non-existent by day, in which lurk the vehicles that can"t be discovered when it"s raining and you want to get home from a theatre. "Glow-worms!" announced Farrell.
"I tightened my grip under his funny-bone, and hailed the first vehicle. It was a hansom. "Engaged?" I asked.
""All depends where you"re going, sir," said the cabby.
""Wimbledon," shouted Farrell, and broke away from me.
"Wimbledon for pleasure and the simple life! . . . You"ll excuse me--" he dodged towards the back of the cab: "on these occasions-- always make a point take number."
""It"s all right," I spoke up to the cabman. "My friend means the Ritz. I"m taking him there."
""I shouldn"t, if I was you," said the man sourly; "not unless he"s an American."
""He is," said I, "and from Texas. I am charged to deliver him at the Ritz, where all will be explained": and I dashed around to the rear of the cab, collared Farrell, and hoicked him inboard. . . .
"The cab was no sooner under way and steering west-by-south than Farrell clutched hold of me and burst into tears on my shoulder.
It appeared, as I coaxed it from him, that his mind had cast back, and he was lamenting the dearth of policemen in Soho.
"The hole above us opened, and the cabman spoke down.
""Are you sure you meant the Ritz, sir--really?"
""I don"t want to compromise you," said I. "Drop us at the head of St. James"s Street."
"He did so; took his fee, and hesitated for a moment before turning his horse. "Sure you can manage the gentleman, sir?" he asked.
""Sure, thank you," said I, and he drove away slowly. I steered Farrell into the shelter of the Ritz"s portico, facing Piccadilly."
"_They draw the blinds now (put in Otway) under the Lighting Order: but in those days the Ritz was given--I won"t say to advertising its opulence--but to allowing a glimpse of real comfort to the itinerant millionaire. Jimmy resumes:--_
""Now, look here," said I, indicating the show inside: "I wasn"t hungry to start with: and I suggest we"ve both inhaled enough garlic to put us off the manger for a fortnight. As for the bucket, you"ve exceeded already, and I have taken more than is going to be good for me--a subtle difference which I won"t pause here and now to explain.
It"s a kindly suggestion of yours," said I; "but I put it to you that it"s time for good little Progressives to be in their beds, and you"ll just take a taxi from the rank on the slope, trundle home to Wimbledon and go bye-bye."
"Farrell wasn"t listening. He had his shoulders planted against a pillar of the portico, and had fallen into a brown study, staring in upon the giddy throng.
""When we look," said he slowly, like an orator in a dream--"when we are privileged to contemplate, as we are at this moment, such a spectacle of the idle Ritz--excuse me, the idle Rich--and their goings on, and countless poor folk in the East End with nothing but a herring--if that--between them and to-morrow"s sunrise-- well, I don"t know how it strikes you, but to me it is an Object Lesson. You"ll excuse me, Mr.--I haven"t the pleasure to remember your name at this moment. I connect it with my Maria"s two pianners--something between the Broadwood and the Collard and Collard--you"ll excuse me, but putting myself in the place of the angel Gabriel, merely for the sake of argument, this is the sort of way it would take _me_!"
"Before I could jump for him, Otty, he lifted his hand and flung something--I don"t know what it was, for a certainty, but I believe it was the "Blanco" tin of sulphuretted hydrogen, that he had been nursing all the way from the "Catalafina." . . . At any rate the missile hit. There was an agreeable crash of plate gla.s.s, and we ran for our lives.
"You know the long rank of taxis on the slope of Piccadilly.
We pelted for it. Before an alarm whistle sounded I had gained the fifth in the row. The drivers were all gathered in their shelter, probably discussing politics. I made for a car, cried to Farrell to jump in, hoicked up the works like mad, and made a spring for the seat and the steering-gear. Amid the alarm-whistles sounding from the Ritz I seemed to catch a shrill scream close behind me, and looked around to make sure that my man was inside. The door slammed-to, and I steered out for a fair roadway.
"There was a certain amount of outcry in the rear. But I opened-out down the slope and soon had it well astern. We sailed past Hyde Park Corner, down Knightsbridge, and cut along Brompton Road into Fulham Road, and rounded into King"s Road, cutting the kerb a trifle too fine. Speed rather than direction being my object for the moment, Otty, I rejoiced in a clear thoroughfare and let her rip for Putney Bridge. There was a communication tube in the taxi, and for some while it had been whistling in my ear, with calls and outcries in high falsetto interjected between the blasts. "Funny dog"s ventriloquising," thought I, and paid no further attention to the noises. Our pace was such, I couldn"t be distracted from the steering. . . . I was quite sober by this time: sober, but considerably exhilarated.