He had been alive when they dumped him here. She would have wanted him to be aware of this final indignity offered him. He had crawled to the corner of the room that was least soiled. There, huddled in a piece of dirty sacking, he had died. My Fool had been such a clean man in his life that I did not doubt that dying among filth had been an additional torment for him. I do not know if someone had flung the old sacking over him or if he had sought it himself in the time before he finally died, curled in a tight ball on the icy floor. Perhaps whoever had disposed of him here had bundled him in it to make his body easier to drag. Blood and fluids had soaked the coa.r.s.e and crusty weave of the fabric, freezing it tight to his diminished body. He had drawn up his knees and tucked his chin tight to his chest, and his face was locked in an expression of pain. His gleaming hair was loose and tattered, with mats of blood in it.
I set my hand on his cold clenched brow. I had not known I was going to do it until I did it. With all the Skill I could muster, I reached and sought for him. I found only stillness. I set both my hands to his cheeks and forced my way in. I explored his corpse, pushing my way through the pa.s.sages where life had once flowed effortlessly. I tried to heal it, to awaken it again to life. Go! Go! I commanded his blood and I commanded his blood and Live! Live! I commanded his flesh. I commanded his flesh.
But his body had been still too long. Reluctantly, I learned too well what all hunters know. At the instant of death, the decay begins. The tiny bits that make up the flesh begin the slide into carrion, letting go of one another so that they can find the freedom to become other things. His blood was thick, the skin that once held out the world had become a sack that held in the separating flesh. Breathless, I pushed at it, willing life into it, but it was like pushing on a hinge rusted closed. The pieces that used to move separately had become a single unmoving ent.i.ty. Function had become stillness. Other forces were at work here now, disa.s.sembling the tiniest pieces, breaking them down like grinding grain into flour. All the little links that bound them were coming undone. Nevertheless, I tried. I tried to move his arm; I tried to force his body to take a breath.
What are you doing?
It was Thick, mildly annoyed that I had broken into his sleep. I was suddenly frantically glad to feel him with me. Thick, I have found him, the Fool, my friend, Lord Golden. I have found him. Help me heal him. Please, lend me your strength. Thick, I have found him, the Fool, my friend, Lord Golden. I have found him. Help me heal him. Please, lend me your strength.
He was sleepily tolerant of my request. All right. Thick will try. All right. Thick will try. I felt the wide yawn he did not disguise. I felt the wide yawn he did not disguise. Where is he? Where is he?
Here! Right here! With my Skill, I indicated the still body before me. With my Skill, I indicated the still body before me.
Where?
Right here! Here, Thick. Under my hands.
There"s no one there.
Yes there is. I"m touching him, right here. Please, Thick. Then, in my despair, I threw my plea wider. Then, in my despair, I threw my plea wider. Dutiful, Chade. Please. Lend me strength and Skill for a healing. Please. Dutiful, Chade. Please. Lend me strength and Skill for a healing. Please.
Who is hurt? Not Thick! Chade was with me abruptly, full of panic. Chade was with me abruptly, full of panic.
No, I am fine. He wants to heal someone who isn"t there.
He is is here. I"ve found the Fool"s body, Chade. Please. You all brought me back. Please. Help me heal him, help me bring him back! here. I"ve found the Fool"s body, Chade. Please. You all brought me back. Please. Help me heal him, help me bring him back!
Dutiful spoke, calmingly. Fitz, we are all here, and you know we will do this for you. It may be harder, as we are separated, but we will try. Show him to us. Fitz, we are all here, and you know we will do this for you. It may be harder, as we are separated, but we will try. Show him to us.
He is here! Right here, I"m touching him. I was suddenly furiously impatient with them. Why were they being so stupid? Why wouldn"t they help me? I was suddenly furiously impatient with them. Why were they being so stupid? Why wouldn"t they help me?
I don"t sense him, Dutiful said after a long pause. Dutiful said after a long pause. Touch him. Touch him.
But I am! I bent over him and put my arms around his curled body. I bent over him and put my arms around his curled body. I"m holding him. Please. Help me heal him. I"m holding him. Please. Help me heal him.
That? That isn"t a person. Thick was obviously puzzled. Thick was obviously puzzled. You can"t heal dirt! You can"t heal dirt!
Rage filled me. He isn"t dirt! He isn"t dirt!
Dutiful spoke gently. It"s all right, Thick. Don"t be upset. You said nothing wrong. I know you didn"t mean it that way. It"s all right, Thick. Don"t be upset. You said nothing wrong. I know you didn"t mean it that way. Then, to me, Then, to me, Oh, Fitz, I am so sorry. But he"s dead. And Thick is right, in his own blunt way. His body is becoming . . . something else. I cannot sense it as a body. Only as . . . Oh, Fitz, I am so sorry. But he"s dead. And Thick is right, in his own blunt way. His body is becoming . . . something else. I cannot sense it as a body. Only as . . . He halted, unable to say the words. Carrion. Rot. Degenerating meat. Dirt. He halted, unable to say the words. Carrion. Rot. Degenerating meat. Dirt.
Chade spoke as calmly as if he were reminding me of an obvious lesson. Healing is a function of the living body, Fitz. The Skill can urge it, but the body does it. When it is alive. That is not the Fool you hold, Fitz. It is his empty sh.e.l.l. You cannot make it live any more than you could make a rock live. There is no calling him back into it. Healing is a function of the living body, Fitz. The Skill can urge it, but the body does it. When it is alive. That is not the Fool you hold, Fitz. It is his empty sh.e.l.l. You cannot make it live any more than you could make a rock live. There is no calling him back into it.
Thick spoke pragmatically. Even if you made it work again, there"s no one to put in it. Even if you made it work again, there"s no one to put in it.
I think it finally became real then. The corpse that was no longer his body. The absence of his spirit.
A long, long time seemed to pa.s.s. Then Chade spoke again softly. Fitz. What are you doing now? Fitz. What are you doing now?
Nothing. Just sitting here. Failing. Again. Just as I did with Burrich. He died, didn"t he?
I could almost see the resignation on the old man"s face. I knew how he would draw a breath and sigh that I insisted on stacking all my pain in one pile, facing it all at once. Yes. He did. With his son beside him. And Web. All of us honored him. We halted the ships, to be together when they slid him over the side and let him go. Just as you must let the Fool go. Yes. He did. With his son beside him. And Web. All of us honored him. We halted the ships, to be together when they slid him over the side and let him go. Just as you must let the Fool go.
I did not want to agree with that or to answer it at all. The habits of a lifetime are strong. I diverted Chade"s attention. I found the Skill scrolls. The stolen library. It is here, in the Pale Woman"s stronghold. Only I do not think this place was truly hers. I have seen things here that make me think it was a place where Elderlings abided. I found the Skill scrolls. The stolen library. It is here, in the Pale Woman"s stronghold. Only I do not think this place was truly hers. I have seen things here that make me think it was a place where Elderlings abided.
Chade surprised me. Later, Fitz. Later is plenty of time to consider recovering the scrolls. For now, listen to me. Honor your friend"s body, however you see fit. Release it. Then both you and Thick hurry back to the beach. I will come back on the ship that I send for you. I misjudged what you intended to do. I do not think you should be alone with this sort of grief. Later, Fitz. Later is plenty of time to consider recovering the scrolls. For now, listen to me. Honor your friend"s body, however you see fit. Release it. Then both you and Thick hurry back to the beach. I will come back on the ship that I send for you. I misjudged what you intended to do. I do not think you should be alone with this sort of grief.
But he was wrong. Grief makes its own solitude, and I knew that I must endure it. I compromised, knowing it was the only way to make him leave me alone. Thick and I will be on the beach when the ship arrives. You don"t need to come back for us. I won"t let any harm come to us. But for now, I would be alone. If you don"t mind. Thick and I will be on the beach when the ship arrives. You don"t need to come back for us. I won"t let any harm come to us. But for now, I would be alone. If you don"t mind.
No boats! Thick said decisively. Thick said decisively. Not ever. No. I"ll stay right here where I am before I go on a boat. Forever. Not ever. No. I"ll stay right here where I am before I go on a boat. Forever.
Thick isn"t with you now? Chade sounded anxious. Chade sounded anxious.
No. He will explain. I still have a task to do, Chade. Thank you. All of you. Thank you for trying. I pulled up my walls, closing myself off from them. I felt Dutiful try to reach for me, but I could not tolerate even his gentle touch right then. I walled them out, even as Thick sleepily told them that the Black Man made wonderful food. Before my walls closed, I felt a tenuous touch that might have been Nettle, trying to send me comfort.
There was no comfort for me and I would not expose her to my pain. She would have enough of her own, soon enough. I closed my walls. It was time to deal with death.
I peeled the Fool"s corpse from the floor, leaving an outline of his coiled body and a handful of golden strands of his hair to mark where he had died. He was a solid, cold weight in my arms. In death, he seemed to weigh less than he had in life, as if the departure of his spirit had taken most of him with it.
I held him curled against my chest, the soiled mat of his golden hair under my chin, the coa.r.s.e sacking against my fingers. I walked empty through the ice halls. We pa.s.sed the chamber where Hest still burned. The smoke of his flesh crawled along the ceiling above us, tainting the still air with the aroma of cooking meat. I could have put the Fool"s body with his, but it did not feel right. My friend should burn alone, in a private farewell between us. I walked on, past the other cell doors.
After a time I became aware that I was speaking aloud to him. "Where? Where would you want me to do this thing? I could place you on her bed and burn you in the midst of all her heaped wealth . . . would you want that? Or would you think that contact with anything of hers would soil you? Where would I want to be burned? Under the night sky, I think, sending my own sparks up to the stars. Would you like that, Fool? Or would you prefer to be within the Elderling tent, with your own things around you, closed in with the privacy you always cherished? Why didn"t we ever talk about these things? It seems something a man should know about his best friend. But in the end, does it matter at all? Gone is gone, ash is ash . . . but I think I would prefer to loose your smoke to the night wind. Would you laugh at me for that? G.o.ds. Would that you could laugh at me for anything again."
"How touching."
The lilt of mockery, the knife"s edge of sarcasm, and the voice so like his made my heart stop and then lurch on. I slammed my Skill-walls tight, but felt no a.s.sault against them. I turned, teeth bared, to confront her. She stood in the door of her bedchamber. She was mantled in ermine, white fur with tiny black tails interrupting it in a scattered pattern. It hung from her shoulders to the floor, draping her entire body. Despite the richness of her garb, she looked haggard. The perfect sculpting of her face had sunken to her bones and her pale hair, ungroomed, lagged and wisped like dry straw around her face. Her colorless eyes seemed almost dull, the eyes of a beached fish.
I stood before her, clutching the Fool"s corpse to my breast. I knew he was dead and she could no longer hurt him, and yet I backed away from her, as if I still needed to protect him from her. As if I had ever been able to protect him from her!
She lifted her chin, baring the white column of her throat. "Drop that," she suggested, "and come and kill me."
Was it because she had suggested it that my first thought now seemed like such a bad idea? "No," I replied, and suddenly I wanted only to be left completely alone. This was an intimate death I held. She, of all people, should not witness or take satisfaction in my grief. "Go away," I said, and did not know the low growl of my own voice.
She laughed, icicles shattering on stone. "Go away? Is that all? Go away? Such a keen vengeance for FitzChivalry Fa.r.s.eer to take upon me! Ah, that shall go down in tales and songs! "And then he stood, holding his beloved beloved and said to their enemy, "Go away!"" She laughed, but there was no music in it. It was like rocks rattling down a hillside, and when I made no response to it, her laughter trailed away into silence. She stared at me, and for a moment she looked confused. She had truly believed that she could make me drop him and attack her. She tipped her head, staring at me, and after a moment, spoke again. Her voice was lower now. and said to their enemy, "Go away!"" She laughed, but there was no music in it. It was like rocks rattling down a hillside, and when I made no response to it, her laughter trailed away into silence. She stared at me, and for a moment she looked confused. She had truly believed that she could make me drop him and attack her. She tipped her head, staring at me, and after a moment, spoke again. Her voice was lower now.
"Wait. I see. You have not yet unwrapped my little gift to you. You have not yet seen all that I did to him. Wait until you see his hands, and those clever, graceful fingers of his! Oh, and his tongue and teeth, which spoke so wittily for your amus.e.m.e.nt! I did that for you, FitzChivalry, that you might fully regret your disdainful rejection of me." She paused very briefly and then said, as if reminding me, "Now, Fitz. This is when you promise to kill me if I follow you."
I had been about to utter those words. I bit down on them. She had made them empty and childish. Perhaps those words were always empty and childish. I shifted my burden in my arms and then turned and walked away from her. My Skill-walls were up and tight, but if she made any a.s.sault against them, it was too subtle for me to feel. My back felt exposed and I"ll admit that I wanted to run. I asked myself why I did not kill her. The answer seemed too simple to be true. I did not want to put his body down on her floor while I did it. Even more, I did not want to do anything that she expected me to do.
"He called out for you!" She sang the words after me. "He thought he was close to dying, I imagine. Of course, he was not. I am more adept than that! But he thought the pain would kill him, and he cried out for you. "Beloved! Beloved!"" Her mockery of his agonized voice was perfect. The hair on the back of my neck stood up as if he had spoken to me from beyond the grave. Despite my resolve, my steps slowed. I held his body closer and bowed my head more tightly over his. I hated that her words could bring tears to my eyes. I should kill her. Why didn"t I kill her?
"He did mean you, did he not? Well, of course he did, though you may not know it. I doubt you know the custom of the people he came from; how they exchange names to denote the lifelong bonds they form? Did you ever call him by your name, to show him that he was as dear to you as your own life? Did you? Or were you too much of a coward to let him know?"
I wanted to kill her then. But I would have had to set his body down and I would not do that. She could not make me abandon him again. I would not set him down and I would not look back at her. I hunched my back against her pelted words and trudged away.
"Did you? Did you? Did you?"
I had expected to hear her voice fade as I walked away. Instead, she lifted it, and her tone became even angrier as she flung the hateful question at me. After a time, I knew she was following me. The words were a hoa.r.s.e shriek now, the cawing of crows as they summon one another to the rich pickings of a battlefield. "Did you? Did you? Did you?"
Even when I heard her running footsteps behind me and knew that she would attack me, I could not bring myself to drop the Fool"s body. I held him and turned, hunching a shoulder to her maddened onslaught. I do not think it was what she expected. Perhaps she had hoped I would face her with a drawn blade. She tried to stop but the icy floor betrayed her. She slid into me. I kept my grip on the Fool"s body as I slammed against the wall, and somehow managed to stay on my feet. She did not. She sprawled on her side, gasping hoa.r.s.ely in her pain. I looked at her dumbly, wondering how a fall could have caused her that much agony. Then, as she tried to rise, I saw what she had concealed from me.
Riddle"s telling had been true. I stared at the blackened and shriveled forearms that she struggled to use. She could neither rise nor cover them again beneath the robe. I met her colorless eyes and spoke my words coldly. "You are the coward. At the last minute, you could not give up yourself, not even to complete your vision of what the world should be. You lacked his courage. He accepted the price fate decreed for him. He took his pain and his death and he won. He triumphed. You failed."
She made a sound, between a shriek and a yelp, full of hatred and fury. It battered at my Skill-wall, but she could not get through. Had her strength for that magic been drawn from Kebal Rawbread? I watched her try to get to her feet. The long mantle hindered her, for she knelt on the hem of it. The black sticks that had been her arms and hands were of no use to her. From the elbow down, her arms were shrunken to bones that ended in charred and tapering ends. I could see the remains of the dual bones in her forearms. There was no sign of her hands and fingers. Those, at least, the dragon had claimed before she had managed to drag herself free of him. I recalled how Verity had gone, and Kettle, melting into the dragon they had fashioned so lovingly for the good of their people. Then I turned and walked away from her.
"Stop!" she commanded me. There was outrage in her voice. "You kill me here! I have seen this, a hundred times in my nightmares. You kill me now! It was my certain fate if I failed. I dreaded it but I now command it! My visions have always been true. You are fated to kill me."
I spoke over my shoulder, scarcely considering my words at all. "I am the Catalyst. I change things. Besides. The time we are in now is the time the Fool chose. It is his future I live in. In his vision of the future, I walk away from you. You die slowly. Alone."
Another dozen steps, and then she screamed. She screamed until her breath was gone, and then I heard her ragged panting. I walked on.
"You are are the Catalyst still!" she shrieked after me. There was nothing but desperation and amazement in her voice now. "If you will not kill me, then come back and use your Skill to heal me. I will be subject to you in all ways! You could use me as you wished, and I could teach you all I have learned from the Skill scrolls! You have the strength to wield that magic! Heal me, and I will show you the path to power. You will be the rightful King of the Six Duchies, of the Out Islands, of all the Cursed Sh.o.r.es! All. I will give you all your dreams, if only you come back!" the Catalyst still!" she shrieked after me. There was nothing but desperation and amazement in her voice now. "If you will not kill me, then come back and use your Skill to heal me. I will be subject to you in all ways! You could use me as you wished, and I could teach you all I have learned from the Skill scrolls! You have the strength to wield that magic! Heal me, and I will show you the path to power. You will be the rightful King of the Six Duchies, of the Out Islands, of all the Cursed Sh.o.r.es! All. I will give you all your dreams, if only you come back!"
My dream was dead in my arms. I continued to walk.
I heard her scratching the blackened stubs of her melted arms against the ice. It reminded me of an overturned beetle frantically scrabbling in a washbasin. I did not look back. I wondered, briefly, if she had ever foreseen this moment, if she had ever imagined the look of my back as I walked away. No, I suddenly knew. The Black Man had told me. I walked in the Fool"s world now, the future he had shaped. She could see nothing, prophesy nothing here. This time was not hers. It was the time he had chosen.
I do not think I am by nature a cruel man, and yet I have never been able to feel any sort of compunction over what I did. I heard her scream once, like an animal screams from a trap, but I did not look back. I turned a corner and walked on, back the way I had come.
I was unutterably weary and cold and hungry. Yet none of those things consumed me as much as my grief. At some point, tears came to me. They fell on the Fool"s golden hair and misted my vision of the tunnels to a pale maze. Perhaps in my daze, I missed one of my marks on the wall. I realized it, and turned back, but found myself in an unfamiliar corridor. I came to an eroded ice staircase and attempted to go up it, but found that, burdened as I was, I could not. I turned back again and trudged on, hopelessly lost.
At one point, I spread my cloak out on the floor and slept for a time, my arm flung protectively across his frozen body. When I awoke, I searched through my pack and found a bit of travelers" bread and ate it. I drank from my flask, and then wet the edge of my cloak and wiped some of the blood and filth from his contorted face. I could not wipe the pain from his brow. Then I rose and took him up and walked on, completely disoriented in the unchanging pale light. I was, perhaps, a trifle mad.
I reached a place where one wall was of ice and one of stone. I should have turned back, but like a moth drawn toward light, I followed the pa.s.sageway that was leading me upward. I came to stairs cut in the stone and followed them up. The bluish light of the gleaming orbs did not waver, never brightening or dimming, so that I bore his body through a timeless maze of gentle stairs that wound ever upward. I halted for breath on a landing. There was a wooden door there, the wood gone splintery and dry. I pushed it open, thinking of finding fuel for his burning.
If I had doubted at all that once this icy realm had belonged to the Elderlings, that chamber dispelled it. I had seen furniture like this before, tottering in the deserted ruins of the city by the river. I had seen a map such as this room held, though this seemed to be of a world rather than of a city and the surrounding countryside. It was on a table in the center of the room. It was round, but it was not flat, nor drawn upon paper. Each island, each coast, each wave tip had been sculpted. Tiny mountains jutted in ranges, and the sea crinkled. Gleaming rivers meandered through gra.s.slands to the sea.
An island, most likely Aslevjal, was in the exact center of it. Other islands dotted the sea around it. To the south and west, I saw the coast of the Six Duchies, though it was subtly wrong in many places. To the north was a land I had no name for, and across a wide sea, on the eastern edge of the map, I saw a coastline where tradition told me there was only endless ocean. Tiny gems had been set randomly into the map, each marked with a rune. Some seemed to glow with an inner light. One glittered white on Aslevjal. Four, set in a minute square, sparkled in Buck, near the mouth of the Buck River. There were a handful of others throughout the Six Duchies, some bright and some dull. There were more in the Mountain Kingdom, and a line of them, carefully s.p.a.ced, along the Rain Wild River, though many of those were quenched. I nodded slowly to myself. Of course.
Dimly, I was aware that my arms and back ached. Yet it never occurred to me that I might wish to set down my burden and rest for a time. Inevitable as sunset, there was the door to another stairwell in the corner. I entered it. It was narrower than the first and the stairs were steeper. I marched slowly up it, my feet scuffing as I found each step unseeing. The light changed slowly as I went. The bluish glow faded, slowly replaced with the murky light of true day. Then I emerged into a tower room walled with gla.s.s. One panel of it had cracked, and all of the windows were coated with frost. The ceiling spoke of a steep spire overhead, with sheltering eaves. I put my eye to the crack in the window and peered out. Snow. Blowing snow. I could see no more than that.
In the center of the room was a Skill-pillar. The runes carved into the sides of it were as cleanly chiseled as the day they had been cut. I walked a slow circuit around them until I came to the one that I had known would be there. I nodded to myself. I held him close to me and said softly into his blood-matted hair, "Let"s go back, then."
I opened one hand and we walked into the Skill-pillar.
Perhaps my recent practice of the Skill had strengthened me, or perhaps this pillar worked better than others I had known. The Fool in my arms, I stepped from winter to summer, from a stone tower to what remained of a market plaza. All around me, a summer day hummed in the forest that had encroached to the edges of it. I took two more steps and then went to my knees, both in weakness and grat.i.tude. Here, suddenly, it did not feel like blasphemy to deposit him on the clean stone and earth. I sat down flat beside him and rested. For a time, all was still, save for the calls of birds and the buzzing of busy insects. I looked down the overgrown road, like a tunnel through the greenery of the forest, that would, if I followed it, lead me to the Stone Garden where all the Elderling dragons slept. I looked up at the worn pillar, where once a young Fool had perched and I had seen him transformed into a white girl wearing a rooster crown. "This is a good place," I said softly. "I"m glad we came back here." I leaned back and closed my eyes. I slept.
It took time for the warmth of the afternoon to seep into me. When I awoke, I was too warm. The Fool"s frozen body was thawing and loosening in the sunlight. I peeled my winter garments from my body as if I were shedding an outworn skin until I wore only my tunic and leggings. Now that we were here, alone and together, I felt my urgency leave me. There was time here, time that belonged only to him and me, time in which I could do things properly.
I fetched water from the stream where once we had drunk. I gently washed his face, wiping the blood from his lips and smoothing the hair over his torn ear. When I could do so, I peeled the sacking away from his raw flesh. What I saw dizzied me at first. Yes. She was right. I did regret that I had turned away from her instead of dealing her the agonizing death she deserved. But as I straightened, as much as I could, his tormented and stiffened limbs and wiped away with green leaves and clean gra.s.s the filth and clotted blood, all hatred seeped away from me. Here was my Fool, and if I could not save him from death, I could send him from this life with dignity.
He had curled protectively around his last treasure. He gripped the Rooster Crown in his lifeless hands. I pried its dull gray wood carefully from his nailless fingers. His tormentors had broken the crown, probably in the course of beating him, but he had repaired it before he died. When I saw how he had done it, how he had used his own congealing blood as a binder to hold the pieces together, I choked for a time. Its circle had a gap in it. I wondered if that had grieved him as he died.
Slowly I took from my pouch the shard they had left on the floor of the throne room. It only lacked that one piece to make it complete. I dipped the edges of it into his thawing blood, and joined it to its fellows to complete the crown. Dampened with blood, the wood swelled and seized and held, almost as if it had never been broken. I did not know what this treasure was, exactly. Whatever it had meant to him, I would send him from this world wearing it.
I set it to one side as I gathered evergreen boughs and dry fallen limbs, dead twigs and dry gra.s.ses, for his funeral pyre. Evening was hovering before it was built. When it was ready, I spread my cloak over it. Overhead, a deep blue sky shimmered, and summer seemed to hold its breath around us, awaiting the first stars of evening. The sparks of his burning would join them. I lifted him and placed him on the cloak. Experience told me the evergreen boughs would burn well and consume him. With a heavy heart, I sat down on the stone beside his pyre, the Rooster Crown in my lap. It lacked but one thing to be complete.
From my pack I took a bundled packet. Gently I unrolled the fabric. One at a time, I set out the feathers from the Others beach. As I handled each one, I marveled anew at the intricate workmanship that had gone into their carving. Despite all the long way they had traveled with me, they were unharmed. Why someone had chosen such a l.u.s.terless wood for such fine work escaped me. It was as plain and dull as the arrow the Fool had given Swift.
It took some moments for me to fit each feather into its proper place. I noticed now what I never had before, that the end of each feather"s shaft was notched. Each would slide only into its proper aperture in the crown. As I pushed the last one into place, it seemed to my weary eyes that a wave of colors washed over both crown and feathers. Perhaps it was only a rainbow caught for an instant in the sudden tears that brimmed my eyes. I dashed them away impatiently. Time to be done with all this.
The crown whispered uncomfortably against my fingers, like a trapped fly buzzing in a fist. I wondered what I held. What potent Elderling magic was trapped here, denied for all time by the Fool"s death? For a moment, my eyes lingered on the softened carvings of roosters" heads that ringed the crown. Either the Fool had never got round to painting it as we recalled it, or it had refused to hold the paint. Chips of color still clung in the deeper corners of the carving. Tiny gems still winked in two of the carved eyes; the others were blank and empty. There were dark seams in the ring of the crown where it had been broken and then glued back into a whole with the Fool"s blood. I tapped one of the seams cautiously, testing the strength of the bond. It held and suddenly he leaped into my mind, my memory of him so poignant and whole that I felt disemboweled with sorrow.
I sat down heavily on the pyre beside him. Rigor had kept his body in its defensive curl. I could do nothing about that. I wished that I could have smoothed the lines of terror and pain from his face before I sent him on his way. I pushed his golden hair back from his tawny forehead. "Oh, Beloved," I said. I bent and kissed his brow in farewell. And then, grasping the rightness of that foreign tradition, I named him as myself. For when I burned him, I knew I would be ending myself, as well. The man I had been would not survive this loss. "Good-bye, FitzChivalry Fa.r.s.eer." I took the crown in both hands to ease it onto his brow. I felt suddenly as if all my life had been funneling me toward this moment. It seemed cruel that the strongest current of my life would propel me toward this moment of absolute end and loss. But there were no other choices left for me. Some things could not be changed. It was time to crown the king"s jester and send him on his way.
I stopped.
I halted my hands, and it felt as if by doing so, I stood alone against fate and defied the flow of all time. I knew what I was meant to do. I should crown my Fool and then drench the pyre with the remaining oil. A spark, at most two, would be enough for the summer-dry tinder. He would burn away to nothing, his smoke rising on the summer wind of the land beyond the Mountain Kingdom. I would go back, through the pillar, to Aslevjal. I would collect Thick and go back to the little bay and wait for a ship to come and fetch us. It was right, it was inevitable, it was the channel in which the entire world wished to flow. Life would go on without the Fool, because he had died. I could see it all so clearly, as if I had always known it would come to this.
He was dead. Nothing could change that.
But I was the Changer.
I stood suddenly. I lifted the humming crown high overhead in my hands and shook it at the sky. "NO!" I roared. I still do not know to whom I spoke. "No! Let it be different! Not this way! Whatever you want from me, take it! But don"t let it all end like this! Let him take my life and give me his death. Let him be me and I be him. I take his death! Do you hear me? I take his death for my own!"
I lifted the crown to the sun. Through my flowing tears, it shone iridescent, and the feathers seemed to waver gently in the summer breeze. Then, with an almost physical wrench, I tore it out of time"s destined path. I clapped it firmly upon my own brow. As the world spun around me, I lay my body down on my funeral pyre, wrapped my arms around my friend, and gave myself over to whatever awaited me beyond it.
chapter 29.
FEATHERS IN A FOOL"S CAP.
She was the richest girl in the world, for not only had she a n.o.ble father, and many silk gowns and so many necklaces and rings that not even a dozen little girls could have worn them all at once, but she had also a little gray box, carved from a dragon"s womb. And inside it, ground to fine powder, were all the happy memories of the wisest princesses who had ever lived. So, whenever she got the least bit sad, all she had to do was open her little box and take a tiny bit of the memory snuff, and, kerchoo! She was as happy as a girl could be again.- OLD JAMAILLIAN TALE OLD JAMAILLIAN TALE I missed a step in the dark. It was like that, that unexpected lurch.
"Blood is memory." I swear someone whispered that by my ear.
"Blood is who we are," a young woman agreed with him. "Blood recalls who we were. Blood is how we will be remembered. Work it well into the womb wood."
Someone laughed, an old woman with few teeth. "Say that six times swiftly!" she cackled. And she did. "Work it well into the womb wood. Work it well into the womb wood. Work it well into the womb wood. Work it well into the womb wood. Work it well into the womb wood. Work it well into the womb wood."
The others laughed, amused at her tripping tongue. "Well, you try it!" she challenged us.
"Work it well into the womb wood," I said obediently.
But it wasn"t me.
There were five other people there inside me, looking out of my eyes, running my tongue over my teeth, scratching at my beard with my unkempt nails. Breathing my breath, and rejoicing in the taste of the forest on the night air. Shaking out my hair, alive again.
Five poets, five jesters. Five tellers of tales. Five jumbling, tumbling minstrels, leaping and whirling in grat.i.tude for their release, shaking out my fingers, limbering my voice, and already squabbling and vying for my attention.
"What is your need? A birthday anthem? I"ve a host of them at my beck and call, and it"s no trouble, no trouble at all, to adapt one to your recipient"s name!"
"Hackery! Shameless hackery, this chopping and splicing of old relics, this dressing of bones anew! Let me have your voice and I"ll sing you a song to rouse your warriors and make your maidens tremble with newborn l.u.s.t!" This was a man, and he filled my lungs to bursting to roar out his words. Each set of words, each voice came from my own throat. I was a puppet for them, a pipe to be played.