"I"ve never known a stronger person, and I"m so proud of you. You"ve come so far, Keira."
"Because of you..."
"No." His command sliced through the air. "I may have helped you but you did this all on your own. You can fight now. You"re strong. You"ve gained back the life you"ve lost. The girl I once knew isn"t here anymore. Now she"s solid like steel and tough like rubber. Nothing can break her or shake her. Now you"re uncrushable."
Warm tears bubbled under my eyes then broke the surface. Like drops of rain on a window, they leaked down and streaked, leaving a visible mark in their path. My mouth opened slightly, and an involuntary gasp came from my lips. I swallowed the lump in my throat and closed my eyes.
Liam wiped them away with the pads of his thumbs. "I hope those are happy tears..."
I nodded. "They are..."
He closed his eyes for a span of a heartbeat then opened them. A tear came loose and fell down his cheek. His eyes reddened and the moisture built. "Mine are happy tears too."
I was nervous. I"d never done this before or anything like it. I always blended into the background, not wanting to be noticed. The less attention I drew to myself, the better. But I couldn"t hide this time. Even though I was here to help others, I was helping me at the same time.
The chairs were placed in a circle, all facing the middle. I sat at the front of the cla.s.s and waited for the attendees to show up. My hands were cold but they were sweating at the same time. I"d never led a lesson before. All I had to rely on were my own experiences. Liam was the first person I was open with, telling him everything that happened.
But that needed to change.
When members started to join me, I studied their faces. They all had the same characteristic; fear. I could see it in their eyes. They were afraid to tackle their emotions, or perhaps they were afraid their abuser would find out what they were up to. Or maybe they were scared they actually showed up.
Every person had similar body language. They were closed off, crossing their arms over theirs chests and the legs at the knee. No one made direct eye contact with me. They stared at the floor or the wall. Some people stared at their phones to pa.s.s the time. When every seat was filled, I knew it was time to begin.
I cleared my throat, making it obvious I was just as nervous as they were. "Hi, I"m Keira."
A few women whispered a greeting to me. Others nodded. One even waved.
"Let"s go around and introduce ourselves." That was a simple way to begin.
The girls read off their names clockwise. I tried to remember them all but I had a feeling I would have a slip-up. There were ten of them, and they were all different ages. One girl in particular caught my attention. She looked like she was still in high school. She might be in college. It was hard to tell. She had black hair and wore heavy make up. Her smoky eyes drew attention to her face, but she looked like she wanted to be unnoticed.
"Stacy," she whispered when her turn came.
I nodded. "Thanks for coming tonight."
Okay. Now what do I do?
I just decided to be honest. "I"ve never done this before...as you probably figured out by looking at me. But when I saw the notice on my campus, I was drawn to join you for these sessions. All I really have to offer you is my own experience." I swallowed the lump in my throat. "Which was very painful."
They all stared at me, waiting for me to continue. "It"s my hope that my past can change your future or help you sort through the pain. I was just a girl in high school when I was abused. He was older than me, and I had a crush on him for the longest time. When we got together, I couldn"t believe how lucky I was he picked me. My parents never approved, and now I wish I had listened to them. His sweet whispers quickly turned into random bouts of anger. When he started to hit me, he apologized and I forgave him. By the time things got really bad, I was in too deep. I couldn"t get away because his hold on me was too tight. I actually thought he might kill me...and he almost did."
The sympathy moved into their eyes. New light emerged on their faces. I could see the connection and the trust. At least I was getting somewhere.
"When I finally decided to end it, I knew there was a good chance I wouldn"t survive. But I chose to risk it in the hope of a better life. Being with him was unbearable. He was controlling and jealous, and at the time I didn"t realize this, but he was cheating on me left and right. He used me, never really caring about me. My parents told me to end it, but being a brat that I was, I didn"t listen. And the night I finally decided to do it, they heard me sneak out and followed me. But they were hit by a drunk driver...they died because of me." I felt the tears bubble up and fall down my cheeks. I hated thinking about what I did to my parents, the people who loved me unconditionally since the day I was born. I sniffed then wiped them away.
"For the following year, I hid from the world. The only person I trusted was my cousin Scotty. He took care of me and accompanied me everywhere I went. I swore off men and flinched when a guy even looked at me. I turned to alcohol to drown out my problems, but that never did anything. When my cousin finally suggested that I see a specialist, I rejected the idea immediately. No one could help me...
"But then I met someone very special. Disguised as a muscled fighter, he was the gentlest man I ever knew, nothing like the package he came in. After he told me he lost his sister to an abuser, I knew our souls were from the same origin. He picked up the pieces and put me back together-for the most part. He gave me the push I needed, but I"ve been doing the rest. Now my nightmares are gone. I"m not scared to be alone with a man. I"m not scared of anything. He helped me get there but I did the rest on my own. I say this to inspire you...if I could do it you can do it. And I"m here to help."
After I finished my speech, I surveyed the faces around me. I had their undivided attention. One woman"s eyes were tinted with red. Another one looked choked up.
"Would anyone like to share?" I asked gently.
Stacy met my gaze before she straightened herself in her seat. "I left my parents" house as soon as I turned eighteen. My boyfriend and I have been together since high school, and when he asked me to move in I jumped at the request. But...he started to get controlling. He didn"t want me to hang out with my friends at first, and then he didn"t want me to go out altogether. Now he keeps me cooped up in the house, never allowed to go out and see anyone. I can"t even call my parents. When he thinks I"m not looking, he checks my phone. And anytime I don"t do as he asks...he hits me."
That sounds too familiar. "Stacy, you need to get out."
"But I can"t," she said sadly. "I have nowhere to go. I don"t have money or a job. Besides...he"ll hurt me worse."
"Tell your parents the truth." I didn"t put too much pressure on her. I was simply nudging her.
She shook her head. "I said some pretty mean things to them..."
"But they still love you. Believe me, when you tell them what"s going on, all that will be water under the bridge."
Her eyes welled up but she blinked them back. "I"m not even sure they can protect me..."
"They can. You have to take the chance. Staying their forever isn"t the answer. Maybe he beats you now and you can tolerate it, but it will only get worse over time. And one day, he may lose his temper. And he could kill you." I didn"t say this to scare her, just to make her understand how serious it was.
She rubbed her hands up and down her arms. "You"re right..."
"I went through the same thing," another woman said quietly. "No matter what I did, I made him mad. If I didn"t make dinner right, he slapped me across the face. I was isolated from everyone around me. My friends turned their backs on me because I stopped calling. My family gave up trying to see me. He took my life away from me. Running was the best decision I ever made. I formed a support group of family and friends after I told them the truth. With a defense like that, he couldn"t touch me. And my husband now...he makes me feel safe."
This was going exactly the way I wanted. Everyone was getting involved, working out their own problems while trying to help someone else.
"He"d kill me if he knew I was here..." Stacy shivered visibly.
"And we would kill him," I threatened. "You"re only as weak as you let him make you. Any man who subdues a woman through violence is innately weak. He can"t exert his power in any other way. And if you defy him, you will win."
"You make it sound so easy," Stacy whispered.
"No, it wasn"t easy at all." I shook my head. "It was the hardest thing I"ve ever done in my life. I wish things had been different. I wish I broke up with him when my parents told me to. I should have listened. But living in regret won"t change what happened. I"m responsible for what happened to my parents, and that regret will always burn in my heart. But I know they would be happy that I made it out of that relationship. If there"s such a thing as heaven, that"s where they are. And they are glad to see where I am now. The best way I can honor them is to help others, not make their deaths end in vain."
"I"m sorry that happened to you," Stacy said.
"Thank you," I said. "And I"m sorry about what happened to you."
A blonde tucked her hair behind her ear. "This man who helped you...is he still around?"
I nodded. "He"s my best friend in the world, the other side to my coin, and the yin to my yang. He makes me feel safe, but more importantly, he made me feel strong. He never gave up on me when I was weak, never accepting less than what I deserved. He brought me back to life, because I was just a ghost before he came along. He was my savior, and I want to be that for you."
The group stared at me, their eyes full of emotion.
"Would anyone else like to share?" I asked.
A few other women came forward and talked about their abusive partners. While Finn was horrible to me, these girls had it worse. They used knives to make them submit, taking abuse to a new level. There was no time to waste. They needed to get out and they needed to get out fast.
"There"s women"s protective services," one girl announced. "You could always call them."
"No one can protect me from Roger." The girl rubbed her hands together anxiously. "Not even the cops. They might throw him back in jail, but as soon as he gets out, he"ll come for me. And this time with vengeance."
"Then you better be ready for him," the other woman said. "I took a few self-defense cla.s.ses. It helps me sleep at night."
"And getting a new man helps too," another woman said with a smile.
It was the first time someone lightened the mood.
By the end of the session, I knew we made substantial progress. I hoped the women who were still with their abusers would act quickly and leave their situations, but I knew from experience it couldn"t be rushed. They needed to do it on their own. That decision stayed with them.
Most of the women hugged me, saying the session hit them right where it hurt. Their words of grat.i.tude caught me off guard. I felt like I wasn"t doing enough for them, but I gave them everything I had.
After they left the room, I started to fold and stack the chairs. The cla.s.sroom was in the old library so everything was worn and frayed. After I put the last chair down, I took a deep breath while I stared at the wall.
Despite how small my contribution was, I was making a difference in someone"s life. It would make my parents" proud. It made me proud. Not only did I recover from the horrific trauma I experienced, but I was using that pain to help others. It was the least I could do.
When I felt a large shadow fall over me, the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. Without looking, I knew who it was. His presence always sent static into the air, making my body naturally react to him. I didn"t turn around. Instead, I took a deep breath.
His hands moved around my waist, making me melt automatically. His lips moved to my ear. "You did a great job."
I closed my eyes and relished his touch. "I hope it will make a difference."
"It will." He kissed the sh.e.l.l of my ear then placed a gentle kiss on my neck. "I admire what you"re doing."
"I just wish I had something like this when I was...going through it."
"But you didn"t. And in the end, that made you stronger." He turned me around, making me face him. His face moved close to mine then he kissed my forehead. "You say I"m the strongest person you"ve ever known. But you"re wrong, baby. It"s you."
"I don"t know about that..."
"I do," he said firmly. "It"s you."
Sleeping at Liam"s had become routine, not that I minded. Feeling him wrap around me kept me warm and relaxed all through the night. Knowing he"d be there the next morning made me excited for the following day. And knowing no one else was in his bed except for me made it better. We hadn"t made love yet, but our intimacy still satisfied me. The foreplay sent my head into clouds and made me feel connected to him all over again.
When we went to sleep that night, Liam spooned me from behind. His ma.s.sive size made the bed dip, and the heat from his body made central heating unnecessary. I slept peacefully knowing he was beside me. I wanted to be this way forever.
His hand rested on my stomach and his leg was wrapped around mine. His warm breaths fell on my neck, and the quiet sounds of his breathing lulled me to sleep. He was my lullaby, my nightlight that kept the ghosts away.
A dream came to me. It felt so real that I couldn"t tell fantasy from reality. I felt myself falling deeper into an unknown place. The room was spinning, and when it finally stopped, I was sitting in the kitchen of my childhood home. My parents were sitting in their usual positions by the table.
The morning sun drifted through the open windows, brightening the house and the hallways. The garden swayed in the breeze, and the ruby red tomatoes contrasted against the deep green color of the plants. A wind chime sounded through the door.
Two bowls of cereal were at the table, uneaten.
Without thinking, I sat down in my usual seat, just like I did every morning.
My dad had the paper beside him while he spooned the cereal into his mouth. His briefcase sat on the table. My mom was reading a magazine, her blue ap.r.o.n still tied around her. She always wore it for every meal, even if she didn"t do any cooking.
"Keira?" My father"s voice played in my ear, repeating itself until it disappeared. A strong echo sounded in my mind.
In a daze, I turned to him.
He wore the same black spectacles I never saw him remove. Even late at night he watched TV still wearing them. I wasn"t even sure what he looked like without gla.s.ses. "You need to let us go, pumpkin."
Pumpkin...? I remembered the nickname. He called me that every day. I hardly ever heard him use my real name. "What do you mean?"
"The biggest pain a parent can experience is the suffering of their child. Stop holding on to the regret. It wasn"t your fault."
Hot tears fell down my face. I faintly knew I was crying in real life. The salt seeped into my mouth. "If I hadn"t-"
"Keira." My father"s strong voice cut me off. "That drunk driver hit us. Not you."
"You wouldn"t have come after me if I hadn"t left..." The tears continued to pour down my face.
"That doesn"t put the blame on you," my father said gently. "And we would have done it again in a heartbeat. You"re our daughter, pumpkin. We"ll always come after you."
"I"m so sorry..." I felt so small in the chair, like a child in fifth grade. "I miss you so much..."
"We miss you too." My mom gave me a weak smile.
My dad rested his hand on mine. "You"re hurting us, Keira. We hate to see you suffer like this, carrying the weight of the blame. Please let it go. Seeing you suffer makes us suffer more. All we want is for you to be happy. Do that for us."
I sniffed and controlled my tears. "You want me to be happy...?"
"Yes." My mom"s curls framed her face. "More than anything."
A weight had been lifted from my shoulders. The tears still fell but the clutch around my heart loosened. I breathed through the pain, letting all the regret leave my body. "I love you."
"We know." My dad squeezed my hand. "We always knew that."
"I"m sorry I was such a brat to you. I didn"t mean anything I said..."
"We know that too," my mom said gently. "We"re glad you made it."
"Made it?" I whispered.
My dad gave me a look he used to give me every day. The seriousness was in his eyes, but so was the emotion. "I told you the right man would come along. You found him."
"Liam...?"
He nodded. "He has our approval. Don"t let him go."
"I won"t," I said quickly. "Never."
"Give him our love." My mom patted my other hand.
"Wait...does that mean you"re going?" I wasn"t ready to say goodbye.
"Yes," my father said gently. "But we"re never gone. We"re with you everywhere you go. "