Jase didn"t understand him. Given professional experience, he ought to be able to achieve an understanding with Jase with far less trouble than he had with atevi; and it didn"t work that way. It hadn"t worked that way all year.
Why are we with these these two two? Stupid question, ignoring everything he"d said.
But Tano and Algini had been there while Jase was in the apartment, and Banichi and Jago hadn"t been there for a long while. Tano and Algini were the reliable figures in the household that Jase knew of, the ones he he would go to; so from Jase"s viewpoint there was attachment quite as valid as his - admitted - attachment to Banichi and Jago. would go to; so from Jase"s viewpoint there was attachment quite as valid as his - admitted - attachment to Banichi and Jago.
In that rea.s.sessment of Jase"s obstinacy he rode Nokhada near him, hoping that he would choose to talk; but Jase said nothing to him nor seemed to care he was there. Jase sometimes rode with his eyes shut, maybe ignoring the pitch and heave of the land, maybe motion sick: he had complained of it a great deal when he"d first come down.
"Pretty clouds," Bren said.
No answer.
"This whole land tilts," Bren said. "There aren"t that many roads. The fortress watches the slope up off the plains. If it weren"t there, someone could drive up undetected. They"re back there to warn us. That"s what they"re doing." It dawned on him then in cooler temper that a man who had trouble with a flat surface wouldn"t intuitively grasp warfare and its tactics. "Like the foyer at home. Stand in that door and n.o.body can come in. Just like them staying in the foyer office. As long as they"re there, n.o.body can come up on this land. And Tano and Algini might do that if we were were out here on vacation. The aijiin never a.s.sume no one"s after them. Ever." out here on vacation. The aijiin never a.s.sume no one"s after them. Ever."
Jase didn"t answer. But Jase did at least look at him.
"Four, five hundred years ago," Bren said, "before humans on this planet, atevi rode mechieti to war." He pointed to the rolling land ahead of them. "Five hundred riders could be just up there, close as the gardens to the apartment. You couldn"t see them. That"s why men keep riding ahead of the dowager. Ordinarily the mechieti don"t like to do that - get ahead of the leader. But they do it for short rides out and back, looking to see the way is clear."
Jase was was listening. He caught the quick and worried glance at the horizons, and saw Jase"s whole body come to a different state of tension. In that distracted moment Jase suddenly synched with the mechieta"s moving and seemed to feel it. listening. He caught the quick and worried glance at the horizons, and saw Jase"s whole body come to a different state of tension. In that distracted moment Jase suddenly synched with the mechieta"s moving and seemed to feel it.
"That"s how you ought ought to ride," Bren said, "Jase." to ride," Bren said, "Jase."
Jase looked at him, lost his centering and found it again; and lost it.
The fact Jase had had somehow coped with being out here didn"t mean Jase knew a thing, Bren thought, not about the mechieti, not about the concept of land, or tactics, or how to stay on or how to protect himself if someone did come up on them and mechieti reacted as mechieti would do. Politics and language and living in an apartment was what he"d taught Jase. It was somehow coped with being out here didn"t mean Jase knew a thing, Bren thought, not about the mechieti, not about the concept of land, or tactics, or how to stay on or how to protect himself if someone did come up on them and mechieti reacted as mechieti would do. Politics and language and living in an apartment was what he"d taught Jase. It was all all he"d taught Jase. he"d taught Jase.
"If the mechieti have to run," he said, "- in case they do." He changed languages and went rapid-fire. "The atevi riders stay on by balance. You You just hunch down tight and low and hold to the saddle. It won"t come off. Get as low as you can. If they just hunch down tight and low and hold to the saddle. It won"t come off. Get as low as you can. If they can can jump something they will; otherwise they can turn very fast, and if you"re not low you"ll fall off. Join his center of ma.s.s. All right? If he jumps, his head will come back, and if your face is too far forward he can knock you cold. If they jump, center your weight, lean forward, head down while he"s rising, lean back while he"s landing and duck down again. We"re small. Nothing we do affects them as much as an ateva"s weight. Don"t pull on the rein and don"t try to guide him. It can turn his head and blind him to the ground and kill you both. If you do nothing with the rein, he"ll follow Ilisidi"s mechieta come h.e.l.l or high water." jump something they will; otherwise they can turn very fast, and if you"re not low you"ll fall off. Join his center of ma.s.s. All right? If he jumps, his head will come back, and if your face is too far forward he can knock you cold. If they jump, center your weight, lean forward, head down while he"s rising, lean back while he"s landing and duck down again. We"re small. Nothing we do affects them as much as an ateva"s weight. Don"t pull on the rein and don"t try to guide him. It can turn his head and blind him to the ground and kill you both. If you do nothing with the rein, he"ll follow Ilisidi"s mechieta come h.e.l.l or high water."
"Are we going to run?" Jase said. "From what?"
"It"s just an "in case.""
Jase gave him one of those looks.
"It"s a possibility, nadi," Bren said, and then wished he hadn"t said. He wished he"d said, To h.e.l.l with you, and not shaved the meaning one more time. "You"re not going to find absolutes in this situation. There aren"t any. I"m sorry. I knew I was asking for a hard time up here when I turned matters over to other people. I knew last night things were getting complicated. I figured - maybe we"d get a chance to go down to the water. Somehow. And things might not even involve us."
"Once we left the fortress," Jase said in Mosphei", "I knew we weren"t going fishing."
"Because you knew I"d lie? You don"t know that."
There was lengthy silence.
Then Jase said, "We were still going fishing? All around us, people with weapons. People on radios. Hanks. We were going fishing."
"Well, we will." It sounded lame even to him, in what he began to see as a long string of broken promises, broken dates, incomplete plans - not professional ones, but personal. He couldn"t explain all that was going on. Jase didn"t understand the motivations. And G.o.d knew what conclusions he"d draw.
The silence persisted some distance more. He wasn"t there for the moment. He was across a table from Barb. Barb was saying, When? When, really really, Bren?
"You really tell tell yourself we"re going fishing," Jase said, "don"t you?" yourself we"re going fishing," Jase said, "don"t you?"
"Jase, if I don"t plan to do it, we"ll d.a.m.n sure never get there. At least," he added, beginning to be depressed, "if you plan a dozen trips, one happens."
"Are all Mospheirans like you?"
He"d like to think not. He liked to think, on the contrary, that he was better than the flaws that frustrated him in his countrymen. But it was an island full of people living their safe routines, their weekend trips to the mountains, their outings to the market, like clockwork, every week, sitting on a powder keg, electing presidenti presidenti who lived the same kind of lives and left decisions to their chief contributors rather than those with any knowledge or insight. who lived the same kind of lives and left decisions to their chief contributors rather than those with any knowledge or insight.
Delusion played a large part in Mospheiran att.i.tudes.
Delusion that they had a s.p.a.cecraft, or could build one, with no facility in which to do it.
Delusion that they could fix their deficits when there was suddenly a great need and all their bets came due.
Self-delusion to which, apparently, he was not immune.
"Lifestyle," he said, with self-knowledge a bitter lump in his chest. "But I still do plan to go fishing, Jase."
"Just not this trip."
"Even this trip, dammit! Security alerts go on all the time. I live live with it! In between times, I relax, if I can get a few hours. Nine tenths of the time nothing happens or it happens elsewhere and life goes on. If you"ve planned a fishing trip, it might be possible. We can rent the gear. And hire a boat." with it! In between times, I relax, if I can get a few hours. Nine tenths of the time nothing happens or it happens elsewhere and life goes on. If you"ve planned a fishing trip, it might be possible. We can rent the gear. And hire a boat."
"It"s a nervous way to live."
"It is when you park a b.l.o.o.d.y huge ship over our heads and offer the sun, the moon, and the stars to whoever gets there first1 It makes the whole world a little anxious, Jase!"
"Was life more peaceful before we came?"
"Life was absolutely ordinary before you came. You"ve set the whole world on its ear. Don"t you reckon that? Absolutely ordinary people"s lives have been totally disrupted. Absolutely ordinary people have done things they"d never have done."
"Good or bad?"
"Maybe both."
They rode a while more in silence. He watched Jago ahead of him, by no means ordinary, neither she nor Banichi.
He loved loved Jago. He loved both of them. Jago. He loved both of them.
"A lot lot of both," he said. of both," he said.
And a long while later he asked, "Why did the ship come back?" did the ship come back?"
"Weren"t we supposed to?"
He thought about that a moment, thought about it and wondered about it and said to himself of course that was what the ship did and was supposed to do: go places between stars. And this was where other humans were, and why wouldn"t it come here?
But he always argued the other point of view - everyone"s point of view: Barb"s, his mother"s, Jase"s. He"d elaborated in his own mind Jase"s half-given answers in the days when Jase hadn"t been able to say much in Ragi and after that when the pressure mounted to get the engineering translation settled. They"d talked fluently about seals and heat shields. But when he"d asked, in Mosphei", as late as a handful of days before his tour, Where were you? Jase had drawn him diagrams that didn"t make any sense to him.
And he"d said to himself, when he hadn"t understood Jase"s answer or gotten any satisfaction out of it, well, he wasn"t an astronomer and he didn"t understand the ship"s navigation; or maybe s.p.a.ce wasn"t as romantic as he"d thought it was - or maybe - or maybe - or maybe.
Well, but. But. But.
Did delusion play a part in it? Or a human urge to fill out Jase"s partic.i.p.ation and make excuses for behavior that otherwise wasn"t satisfying his expectations.
The ship was doing as it promised. The s.p.a.cecraft was becoming a reality.
But in his failure to find the friendly, cheerful young man he"d talked to by radio link before the drop, he"d insisted on making that side of Jase exist in the apartment.
He"d done all Jase"s side of the conversations in his head, was what he"d done. He"d made up all sorts of answerless answers Jase might might give, if Jase had the vocabulary, if he had time to sit and talk at depth. Naturally Jase was under stress: language learning did that to a mind. Or maybe - or maybe Jase had been doing the same, filling in between the lines to suit give, if Jase had the vocabulary, if he had time to sit and talk at depth. Naturally Jase was under stress: language learning did that to a mind. Or maybe - or maybe Jase had been doing the same, filling in between the lines to suit his his initial impression; and when those expectations didn"t match reality, he felt betrayed. initial impression; and when those expectations didn"t match reality, he felt betrayed.
"Jase," he said.
"What?"
"Where was was the ship?" the ship?"
"I told you. A star. A number on a chart."
"You know the feeling you had we weren"t going fishing?"
"Yes?"
"It"s what I feel when you tell me that."
Silence followed. It wasn"t a happy silence. He wished at leisure he hadn"t come at Jase with that.
He wished a miracle would happen and Jase would come out of his sulk and be the person he"d thought he was getting, the person who"d help him, not pose him problems; the person who"d stand by him with reason when the going got tough.
But Barb had done that until she"d had enough. She"d run to marry Paul Saarinson. Maybe Jase didn"t want a career of keeping the paidhi mentally together, considering they had to share an apartment.
Maybe in meeting him, the astonishing thought came to him, Jase hadn"t found the man he"d he"d thought he was dealing with, either. The breakdown of trust might be rooted more deeply than any dispute over truthfulness, in failings of his own. He managed so thought he was dealing with, either. The breakdown of trust might be rooted more deeply than any dispute over truthfulness, in failings of his own. He managed so well well with atevi. His personal life - with atevi. His personal life - Ask Barb how he got along. Ask Barb how easy it was to deal with him.
He remembered Wilson-paidhi. He remembered saying to himself he wouldn"t ever get to that state. The bet had been among University students in the program that Wilson couldn"t smile. That Wilson couldn"t couldn"t react. Grim man. Unresponsive as h.e.l.l. react. Grim man. Unresponsive as h.e.l.l.
But at the same time those of them going for the single Field Service slot learned to contain what they felt. You learned not to show it. You studied studied being unreadable. being unreadable.
Barb had complained of it. Barb used to say - he could remember her face across that candlelit table - You"re not on the mainland, Bren. It"s me me, Bren.
It gave him a queasy feeling to realize, well, maybe - maybe maybe it had something to do with the falling away and the anger of humans he dealt with. But he"d told Jase. He"d tried to teach Jase to do it. Jase should realize why he didn"t show expression. it had something to do with the falling away and the anger of humans he dealt with. But he"d told Jase. He"d tried to teach Jase to do it. Jase should realize why he didn"t show expression.
Shouldn"t he realize it? he realize it?
Move that into the category of fishing trips.
Fact was, he"d told Jase not not to show emotion with atevi, and when Banichi and Jago walked in, he"d been laughing and lively and all those things he"d taught Jase not to be. to show emotion with atevi, and when Banichi and Jago walked in, he"d been laughing and lively and all those things he"d taught Jase not to be.
Maybe they should have thought a little less about language early on, and more about communication. Maybe they should have learned first what they expected of each other instead of each resigning himself to what he"d gotten.
"You and I," he said in Mosphei", "you and I need to talk, Jase. We need it very badly."
"We were going to do that out here."
"I"m sorry. I sorry. I didn"t remotely know what I was getting you into. I knew it was a chancy time. It"s didn"t remotely know what I was getting you into. I knew it was a chancy time. It"s always always a chancy time, especially when the pressure mounts up and you want to get away. I knew present company was the chanciest thing on the planet but the people who can a chancy time, especially when the pressure mounts up and you want to get away. I knew present company was the chanciest thing on the planet but the people who can do do anything always are. It"s the way it works, Jase." anything always are. It"s the way it works, Jase."
"I trust you," Jase said in a curiously fragile tone - had to say it loudly, with all the thump and creak of the mechieti. "I do trust trust you, Bren. I"m trying like h.e.l.l to." you, Bren. I"m trying like h.e.l.l to."
"I"ll get you back in one piece," he said. "I swear I will."
"That isn"t what I"m worried about."
"What is?" he asked, thinking he"d finally gotten one thread that might pull up a clue to Jase"s thinking.
But Jase didn"t answer that.
And in the next moment he saw Cenedi rein back while Babs kept going. Something was going on. He thought Cenedi had done that to talk to Banichi.
But he was the target. Cenedi fell all the way back to him and Jase.
"Bren-paidhi," Cenedi said, as Bren restrained Nokhada from a nip at her rival. "The dowager asks why you avoid her. She told me to say exactly that, and to say that Nokhada still knows her way, nadi, if you"ve forgotten."
CHAPTER 22.
NOKHADA INDEED KNEW the way, and with a little lax-ness on his part thought she was being sly about moving forward. Had he touched her with the crop, he"d have been there at the expense of every mechieta in front of her.
As it was, Nokhada announced to the mechieti in her path she was coming through with small b.u.t.ts of her head, a little push with the rooting-tusks against an obstinate flank. Mechieti hide was fortunately thick, and tails lashed and heads tossed, but no blood resulted, just ruffling of well-groomed hair.
Cenedi had lagged back. Nokhada achieved the position she wanted, next to Babsidi, and became quite tractable.
"Ah, well," Ilisidi said, sitting with that easy, graceful seat. She deigned a sidelong glance. "One can only imagine."
One didn"t dare say a thing.
"Oh, come, come, nand" paidhi. Are Are we like humans? Or are humans like us? Is it - how am I to put it delicately - technically feasible?" we like humans? Or are humans like us? Is it - how am I to put it delicately - technically feasible?"
"One is certain we are not the first pair to have made the -" That led, in Ragi, to a difficult grammatical pa.s.s. He was sure he blushed. "To try."
"Was it pleasant?" she asked, delighting, d.a.m.n her, to ask.
"Yes, nand" dowager." He wouldn"t retreat, and met her sidelong glance with a pleasant smile.
Her grin could blind the sun. And vanished, in pursed lips. "Now that the world knows the paidhi has such interests, there"ll be such such gossip. My neighbor who loves to spy on my balcony will be absolutely gossip. My neighbor who loves to spy on my balcony will be absolutely convinced convinced of scandal in our little breakfasts, now. We must do it again." of scandal in our little breakfasts, now. We must do it again."
"I would be delighted, aiji-ma." He had no need to feign relief to have her take it well. "I treasure those hours you give to me."
"Oh, not that I have any scarcity of hours! I languish in disuse. My hours are such a little gift."