"And what did you see sir?" said I.
"Oh, nothing, except lots of human skeletons, and whitings in abundance, swimming between their ribs. I brought up my old quadrant out of the starboard wing, where I was adjusting it when the alarm was given. I found it lying on the table just where I left it. I never shall forget what a d.a.m.ned rap we hit the old _Queen Charlotte_, with our larboard broadside; every gun went slap into her, double-shotted. d.a.m.n my eyes, I suppose we diddled at least a hundred men."
"Why, sir," said I, "I always understood she only lost two men on that occasion."
"Who told you that?" said Captain G---; "your old captain?"
"Yes, sir," said I, "he was a midshipman in her."
"He be d.a.m.ned," said my skipper; "to my certain knowledge, three launch-loads of dead bodies were taken out of her, and carried to the hospital for interment."
As the boat touched the landing-place this accomplished liar had time to take breath; and in fact I was afraid he would have exhausted his stock of lies before dinner, and kept nothing for the dessert. When we landed, he went to his old quarters at the Star and Garter, and I to the George. I reminded him at parting that six o"clock was my hour.
"Never fear me," said he.
I collected my company previous to his arrival, and told my friends that it was my determination to make him drunk, and that they must a.s.sist me, which they promised to do. Having once placed him in that predicament, I was quite sure I should stop his future discourses in favour of temperance. My companions, perfectly aware of the sort of man they had to deal with, treated him on his entrance with the most flattering marks of respect. I introduced them all to him in the most formal manner, taking them to him, one by one, just as we are presented at court--to compare great things with small. His good humour was at its highest spring tide; the honour of drinking wine with him was separately and respectfully asked, and most condescendingly granted to every person at the table.
"Capital salmon this," said the captain; "where does Billet get it from?
By the bye, talking of that, did you ever hear of the pickled salmon in Scotland?"
We all replied in the affirmative.
"Oh, you don"t take. d.a.m.n it, I don"t mean dead pickled salmon; I mean live pickled salmon, swimming about in tanks, as merry as grigs, and as hungry as rats."
We all expressed our astonishment at this, and declared we never heard of it before.
"I thought not," said he, "for it has only lately been introduced into this country, by a particular friend of mine, Dr Mac--- I cannot just now remember his d.a.m.ned jaw-breaking Scotch name; he was a great chymist and geologist, and all that sort of thing--a clever fellow, I can tell you, though you may laugh. Well, this fellow, sir, took nature by the heels and capsized her, as we say. I have a strong idea that he had sold himself to the devil. Well, what does he do, but he catches salmon and puts them into tanks, and every day added more and more salt, till the water was as thick as gruel, and the fish could hardly wag their tails in it. Then he threw in whole peppercorns, half a dozen pounds at a time, till there was enough. Then he began to dilute with vinegar, until his pickle was complete. The fish did not half like it at first; but habit is everything, and when he showed me his tank, they were swimming about as merry as a shoal of dace; he fed them with fennel, chopped small, and black peppercorns. "Come, doctor," says I, "I trust no man upon tick; if I don"t taste, I won"t believe my own eyes, though _I can_ believe my _tongue_."" (We looked at each other). ""That you shall do in a minute," says he; so he whipped one of them out with a landing-net; and when I stuck my knife into him, the pickle ran out of his body like wine out of a claret bottle, and I ate at least two pounds of the rascal, while he flapped his tail in my face. I never tasted such salmon as that. Worth your while to go to Scotland, if its only for the sake of eating, live pickled salmon. I"ll give you a letter, any of you, to my friend. He"ll be d.a.m.ned glad to see you; and then you may convince yourselves. Take my word for it, if once you eat salmon that way, you will never eat it any other."
We all said we thought that very likely.
The champagne corks flew as fast and as loud as his sh.e.l.ls at Acre; but we were particularly reserved, depending entirely on his tongue for our amus.e.m.e.nt; and, finding the breeze of conversation beginning to freshen, I artfully turned the subject to Egypt, by asking one of my friends to demolish a pyramid of jelly, which stood before him, and to send some of it to the captain.
This was enough: he began with Egypt, and went on increasing in the number and magnitude of his lies, in proportion as we applauded them. A short-hand writer ought to have been there, for no human memory could do justice to this modern Munchausen. "Talking of the water of the Nile,"
said he, "I remember when I was first lieutenant of the _Bellerophon_, I went into Minorca with only six tons of water, and in four hours we had three hundred and fifty tons on board, all stowed away. I made all hands work. The admiral himself was up to the neck in water, with the rest of them. "d.a.m.n it, admiral," says I, "no skulking." Well, we sailed the next day; and such a gale of wind I never saw in all my life--away went all our masts, and we had nearly been swamped with the weather-roll. One of the boats was blown off the booms, and went clean out of sight before it touched the water. You may laugh at that, but that was nothing to the _Swallow_ sloop of war. She was in company with us; she wanted to scud for it, but by Jupiter, she was blown two miles up the country--guns, men, and all; and the next morning they found her flying jib-boom had gone through the church window, and slap into the cheek of the picture of the Virgin Mary. The natives all swore it was done on purpose by d.a.m.ned heretics. The captain was forced to arm his men, and march them all down to the beach, giving the ship up to the people, who were so exasperated that they set her on fire, and never thought of the powder which was on board. All the priests were in their robes, singing some stuff or another, to purify the church; but that was so much time thrown away, for in one moment away went church, priests, pictures, and people, all to the devil together."
Here he indulged himself in some vile language and scurrilous abuse of religion and its ministers. All priests were hypocritical scoundrels.
If he was to be of any religion at all, he said, he should prefer being a Roman Catholic, "because, then, you know," added he, "a man may sin as much as he likes, and rub off as he goes for a few shillings. I got my commission by religion, d.a.m.n me, I found my old admiral was a psalm-singer; so, says I, "my old boy, I"ll give you enough of that;" so I made the boatswain stuff me a ha.s.sock, and this I carried with me everywhere, that I might save my trousers and not hurt my knees; so then I turned to and prayed all day long, and kept the people awake singing psalms all night. I knelt down and prayed on the quarter-deck, main deck, and lower deck. I preached to the men in the tiers when they coiled the cables, and groaned loud and deep when I heard an oath. The thing took--the admiral, said I was the right sort, and he made a commander out of the greatest atheist in the ship. No sooner did I get hold of the sheepskin, than to the devil I pitched ha.s.sock and Bible."
How long he might have gone on with this farrago, it is difficult to say; but we were getting tired of him, so we pa.s.sed the bottle till he left off narrative, and took to friendship.
"Now I say (hiccup), you Frank, you are a devilish good fellow; but that one-eyed son of a gun, I"ll try him by a court-martial, the first time I catch him drunk; I"ll hang him at the yard-arm, and you shall be my first lieutenant and _custos-rottorum_, d.a.m.n me. Only you come and tell me the first time he is disguised in liquor, and I"ll settle him, d.a.m.n his c.o.c.k eye--a saucy, Polyphemus-looking _son of_ a--(hiccup) a Whitechapel bird-catcher."
Here his recollection failed him; he began to talk to himself, and to confound me with the first lieutenant.
"I"ll teach him to write to port-admirals for leave--son of a sea cook."
He was now drawing to the finale, and began to sing:--
"The cook of the huffy got drunk, Fell down the fore-scuttle, and Broke his gin bottle."
Here his head fell back, he tumbled off his chair, and lay motionless on the carpet.
Having previously determined not to let him be exposed in the streets in that state, I had provided a bed for him at the inn; and ringing the bell, I ordered the waiter to carry him to it. Having seen him safely deposited, untied his neckcloth, took off his boots, and raised his head a little, we left him, and returned to the table, where we finished our evening in great comfort, but without any other instance of intoxication.
The next morning, I waited on him. He seemed much annoyed at seeing me, supposing I meant, by my presence, to rebuke him for his intemperance; but this was not my intention. I asked him how he felt; and I regretted that the hilarity of the evening had been interrupted in so unfortunate a manner.
"How do you mean, sir? Do you mean to insinuate that I was not sober?"
"By no means, sir," said I; "but are you aware, that in the midst of your delightful and entertaining conversation, you tumbled off your chair in an epileptic fit?--are you subject to these?"
"Oh, yes, my dear fellow, indeed I am; but it is so long since I last had one, that I was in hopes they had left me. I have invalided for them four times, and just at the very periods when, if I could have remained out, my promotion was certain."
He then told me I might remain on sh.o.r.e that day, if I pleased. I gave him credit for his happy instinct in taking the hint of the fit; and as soon as I left him, he arose, went on board, and flogged two men for being drunk the night before.
I did not fail to report all that had pa.s.sed to my mess-mates, and we sailed a few days afterwards for Barbadoes. On the first Sunday of our being at sea, the captain dined in the gun-room with the officers. He soon launched out into his usual strain of lying and boasting, which always irritated our doctor, who was a sensible young Welshman. On these occasions he never failed to raise a laugh at the captain"s expense, by throwing in one or two words at the end of each anecdote; and this he did in so grave and modest a manner, that without a previous knowledge of him, any one might have supposed he was serious. The captain renewed his story of the corps of poodles to extract the fuses from the sh.e.l.ls. "I hoped," he said, "to see the inst.i.tution of such a corps among ourselves; and if I were to be the colonel of it, I should soon have a star on my breast."
"That would be the dog star," said the doctor, with extreme gaiety.
"Thank you, doctor," said the captain; "not bad; I owe you one."
We laughed; the doctor kept his countenance; and the captain looked very grave; but he continued his lies, and dragged in as usual the name of Sir Sydney Smith to support his a.s.sertions. "If you doubt me, only ask Sir Sydney Smith; he"ll talk to you about Acre for thirty-six hours on a stretch, without taking breath; his c.o.xswain at last got so tired of it, that he nick-named him "Long Acre.""
The poor doctor did not come off scot-free; the next day, he discovered that the deck leaked over his cabin, and the water ran into his bed. He began, with a hammer and some nails, to fasten up a piece of painted canvas, by way of shelter. The captain heard the noise of the hammer, and finding it was the doctor, desired him to desist. The doctor replied, that he was only endeavouring to stop some leaks over his bed: the captain said they should not be stopped; for that a bed of _leeks_ was a very good bed for a Welshman.
"There, doctor: now we are quits: that"s for your dog star. I suppose you think n.o.body can make, a pun or a pill, in the ship, but yourself?"
"If my pills were no better than your puns," muttered the doctor, "we should all be in a bad way."
The captain then directed the carpenter not to allow any nails to the doctor, or the use of any of his tools; he even told the poor surgeon that he did not know how to make a pill, and that "he was as useless as the Navy Board." He accused him of ignorance in other parts of his profession; and, ordering all the sick men on deck, rope-ended them to increase their circulation, and put a little life into them.
Many a poor sick creature have I seen receive a most unmerciful beating.
My wonder was that the men did not throw him overboard; and I do really believe that if it had not been for respect and love to the officers, they would have done so. No sooner had we got into blue water, as he called it--that is out of soundings--than he began his pranks, which never ceased till we reached Carlisle Bay. Officers and men were all treated alike, and there was no redress, for no one among us dared to bring him to a court-martial. His constant maxim was--"Keep sailors at work, and you keep the devil out of their minds--all hands all day-watch, and watch all night."
"No man," said Jacky (the name we gave him) "eats the bread of idleness on board of my ship: work keeps the scurvy out of their bones, the lazy rascals."
The officers and men, for the first three weeks, never had a watch below during the day. They were hara.s.sed and worn to death, and the most mutinous and discontented spirit prevailed throughout the ship. One of the best seamen said, in the captain"s hearing, that, "since the ship had been at sea, he had only had three watches below."
"And if I had known it," said the captain, "you should not have had that;" and turning the hands up, he gave him four dozen.
Whenever he flogged the men, which he was constantly doing, he never failed to upbraid them with ingrat.i.tude, and the indulgences which they received from him.
"By G.o.d, there is no man-of-war in the service that has so much indulgence. All you have to do, is to keep the ship clean, square the yards, hoist in your provisions, eat them, hoist your grog in, drink it, and strike the empty casks over the side; but heaven itself would not please such a set of d.a.m.ned fat, discontented rascals."
His language to the officers was beyond anything I ever could have supposed would have proceeded from the mouth of a human being. The master, one day, incurred his displeasure, and he very flippantly told the poor man to go to h.e.l.l.
"I hope, sir," said the master, "I have as good a chance of going to heaven as yourself."
"You go to heaven!" said the captain, "you go to heaven! Let me catch you there, and I will come and kick you out."