"Let me speak. I know very well that I offend the proprieties, that I run counter to the prejudices of the common herd; that people indulge in numberless comments upon me, which are rarely favorable; but I--snap my fingers at them! Listen."
XXI
CONFIDENCES
"I was not twenty-one years old when I was married; but I had already loved, or thought that I loved. I was impulsive and pa.s.sionate. I come from a region where women do not know how to conceal their sentiments, where they sometimes antic.i.p.ate a declaration; and in my case, "the accent of the province is in the heart as well as in the language," as La Rochefoucauld says. At eighteen, I fell in love with a very comely youth--at eighteen, a girl thinks a good deal of physical beauty; and that is natural enough, for we pa.s.s judgment first of all on what we see. My rosy-cheeked, fair-haired, blue-eyed young man was two years older than I; but he had the manner of a sixteen-year-old schoolboy: awkward, shy, embarra.s.sed; he did not know what to say to me, and was content to stare at me; but, as his eyes were fine, I considered myself fortunate in having them always fastened on my face. "He loves me," I said to myself; "he must be very much in love with me, to stand in rapt contemplation before me as he does."--Still, I should not have been sorry to hear a word or two of love from his lips. I tried to furnish him with opportunities to be alone with me; I thought that he would finally speak out. But Gabriel--his name was Gabriel--didn"t know enough to seize an opportunity. When he came, and I had a girl friend with me, I would motion to her to leave us for a moment; young girls understand each other very readily. But when she had invented some excuse for leaving the room, Gabriel always felt called upon to take his hat and go with her. You can judge whether I used to fret and fume. But one day, when Gabriel started off on the heels of a peddler I had just dismissed, I detained him by his coat tails, and he was compelled to remain; which he did, blushing to the whites of his eyes, and saying:
""Have I got anything on my back, mademoiselle?"
""No, monsieur, there"s nothing on your back, but I want to talk with you; that"s why I detained you. I was driven to resort to this method, because you always run away as soon as I am alone."
"Gabriel looked at the floor, playing with a little bamboo cane that he usually carried. I invited him to sit down on a sofa beside me; he did so, but moved as far away from me as possible, and continued to keep his eyes averted, gazing sometimes at the ferrule and sometimes at the head of his stick.
""Monsieur Gabriel," I cried at last, irritated by his silence, "haven"t you anything to say to me? Do look at me, at least; before to-day, when you were not speaking, you always had your eyes on me; why, pray, do you gaze at your cane all the time to-day? Come, monsieur, look up, and tell me just what you"re thinking about; and come a little nearer; anybody would think you were afraid of me, that I was scolding you."
"Gabriel made up his mind at last to look at me and to move a little nearer. He was as red as a cherry. He acted like a schoolboy who is afraid of the birch; but he was such a handsome boy!
""Monsieur," I continued, "I see that you don"t dare to tell me what it is that makes you sigh so when you are with me. But when a person doesn"t explain himself, he doesn"t make any headway. As I am less timid than you--as I like to know what to expect--I am going to help you to speak out, for I believe that I have guessed the secret of your heart. You--you--are in love with me, aren"t you, Monsieur Gabriel?"
"My bashful suitor began anew to examine the two ends of his cane, which annoyed me beyond words. At last, he stammered:
""I--I don"t know, mademoiselle."
""What, monsieur, you don"t know? Then you must try to find out. Don"t you think me pretty?"
""Oh, yes, mademoiselle!"
""Don"t you feel great pleasure in being with me?"
""Yes, mademoiselle."
""Then, monsieur, of course you are in love with me."
""_Dame!_ it is very possible."
"And he kept on playing with his stick. Unable to contain myself, I s.n.a.t.c.hed it out of his hands and threw it on the floor.
""It seems to me, monsieur," I cried, "that, while I am speaking to you, you might stop playing with your cane; it looks as if you weren"t listening to me, and that"s very impolite!"
"The poor boy was thunderstruck by my action. He glanced at his cane out of the corner of his eye, and murmured:
""I wont do it any more, mademoiselle."
"Somewhat mollified by his submissive air, I continued:
""Well, Monsieur Gabriel, as you are in love with me, of course you want to marry me; for my parents say that people ought not to love unless they"re going to be married. I don"t know how true that is. Would you like to marry me, Monsieur Gabriel?"
""Why, certainly, mademoiselle, if you think it"s possible."
""Why shouldn"t it be, monsieur? Isn"t it true that young men are brought into the world to marry young women?"
""I don"t know, mademoiselle."
""What"s that? you don"t know? For heaven"s sake, what did they teach you at your school, monsieur?"
""Latin, Greek, mathematics, geography, mademoiselle."
""And nothing at all about young ladies and love and marriage?"
""Nothing at all!"
""Much good it does to send boys to school! it"s a funny kind of education they get! However, Monsieur Gabriel, you"re in love with me, you love me, you want to marry me; and I ask nothing better than to be your wife. Well, monsieur, you must go to my father and ask him for my hand."
""You want me to go to monsieur your papa?"
""Yes, monsieur, and right away; he"s in his study now. Go and prefer your suit."
""But--mademoiselle--you see--I don"t think I"d dare say that to monsieur your papa."
""My papa! my papa! Great heaven! can"t you say my _father_, Monsieur Gabriel? You talk like a little boy of six! This is no time to tremble in your shoes and be afraid; if you don"t go and make your request, some other man will be bolder than you; he"ll speak out, my father will listen to him, I shall be bound to another, and I shan"t be your wife."
"Gabriel summoned all his courage, cast a glance at his costume, and cried:
""I will go and speak to monsieur your pap--your father, mademoiselle."
""Good! and you must come right back and tell me what answer he makes."
""Right away?"
""Why, of course! Do you think that I am not interested in it?"
""I will come back, mademoiselle."
"He walked to the door of the salon, then retraced his steps and picked up his stick, which lay where I had thrown it. I stamped the floor angrily, and said:
""What, monsieur! you have come back for that?"
""Because I am used to having it in my hand, mademoiselle; it encourages me. When I haven"t it, I don"t know what to do with my hands."
""When a person"s mind is occupied, monsieur, he is never embarra.s.sed by his hands. But go, and hurry back!"
"When Gabriel had gone, I was anxious and impatient; I imagined that I loved that young man with a very profound love. In girls of that age, the slightest sentiment, the most trivial caprice, at once a.s.sumes the form of a pa.s.sion. A pleasing illusion! which lasts too short a time, thanks to you, messieurs, who are so well skilled in opening our eyes to the melancholy reality!"
"My dear Frederique, the illusions and disappointments are the same in both s.e.xes! You are more affectionate, perhaps, but you are more easily fascinated, too. We change without reason, you change from pure coquetry. There is no more fidelity on one side than on the other."