"You remind me," I said, "of three ladies of good position, whom I met last year. They all professed to thank G.o.d for Christ"s death; but yet they had no peace, and were not satisfied. Seeing they were in real earnest, I proposed to go over the General Thanksgiving in the Prayer-book with them. They did so, and thanked G.o.d for creation, preservation, and all the blessings of this life, but above all--then as I emphasized this "above all," they said, almost together, "That is where we are wrong. We have not "put the redeeming love of G.o.d as shown in Christ"s death, above all." These three ladies found peace and pardon that same evening."
"That has been my mistake too," said the lady, interrupting me. "I have never put Jesus above all; but I do desire to do so, and that with all my heart."
"Then do so," I said, "and thank Him for His love in dying in your stead, and shedding His blood to wash your sins away."
"He shall have all my heart!" she exclaimed.
So saying, she knelt before the crucifix, and bowing gracefully and most reverently, she reproached herself for not putting Jesus first, and said, "Thou art worthy! Glory be to Thee, for Thy great love to me."
Then she rose from her knees, and once more tuning to me, said, "Thank you so much! G.o.d bless you for your kindness and patience with me! I cannot tell you how much I thank you. Do you remember once preaching about Abraham offering up his son Isaac? You said, "G.o.d the Father has done more than this for us; and yet how few cry to Him and say, "By this I know that Thou lovest me!"" I thought, and felt then, that you knew something which I should like to know; and I have been longing to speak to you ever since. Oh, I do thank you so much!"
"Dear friend, I cannot refuse your thanks, but I should like to see you thanking G.o.d more than you thank me."
I knew that she could sing and play, so, pointing to the piano, I asked her if she would sing a hymn. "Yes," she said, "I will. What shall I sing?"
"Find "When I survey the wondrous cross,"" I said.
She did not need to find the music, for she knew it without; so, sitting down, she began to sing, till the tears came into her eyes, and her voice broke down. "I never knew the meaning of these words before," she said; ""Sorrow and love flow mingled down." How could I be so blind and ignorant? "Love so amazing, so divine," does "demand my life, my soul, my all!" O Lord, take it!"
After this, I had a few parting words with her, and pointing to the crucifix I said, "Remember Christ is not on the cross now. He died; that is past. He is risen, and has ascended up on high. The throne of grace is not the crucifix or the confessional, but where Christ sits--at the right hand of G.o.d; and we, as believers, may in heart and mind thither ascend, and with Him continually dwell. Have done, then, with this dead Popery; you know better now. Testify for the glory of G.o.d."
This lady"s conversion vexed her husband greatly, and brought down the frowns and disapprobation of the reverend doctor; altogether, it did a deal of mischief in the camp. The "Sisters of Mercy" with whom she was connected were kept aloof from her contaminating influence, and soon afterwards were altogether removed from the place. There was one, however, a particularly hard-headed looking individual, who used to stare at me through her round spectacles whenever I met her, as if I were an ogre. I heard that she was a great mathematician. She looked like it; and evidently there was no fear entertained of her being converted. She and one other were left behind; but otherwise the house, which had been built at great cost, was empty. The lady was not allowed to speak to me any more; but I hope she continued to go to the true throne of grace, and not to the crucifix to a living, not a dead Christ.
All this, doubtless, was intended to sicken me of my reverence for the Catholic theory. I was evidently under an infatuation on the subject, which, for the time, nothing could dispel. I had some poetic or imaginary fancy of spiritual catholicity before my mind, which I supposed was something better than the fleshy spirituality of Methodism, to which I had taken a great dislike; but where to find this Utopia, or how to embody it, I knew not. These specimens of catholic people I certainly had no sympathy with; nor had I any patience with their hollow devotion and their studied imitation of Popery. I plainly saw that light could have no fellowship with darkness, or life with death. I was more and more convinced that when a man has more sympathy with dead Catholics than with living Dissenters, he is not a living soul at all. There is no necessity to go to one extreme or the other. I believe the reformed Church of England (in her principles, at least) occupies the middle path between these two extremes, with the excellences of both, and the faults of neither. I think I was permitted to be thus unsettled in my mind, because I did not keep to my work with a single eye to G.o.d"s glory.
CHAPTER 27
Devonport, 1855.
I was at this time invited to preach in a church in Devonport, where it pleased the Lord to give blessing to His word. With this exception, my work was, generally speaking confined to individual cases. I will give an account of a few which present the most instruction and interest.
The first I will mention is that of one of the curates of the church in which I was asked to preach. At this time he was preparing for confession, and his self-examination had brought him to see and feel that he was a sinner. Under this course of preparation, the preaching of the Gospel had much effect upon him, and he came to tell me of his state. I was able to show him from the Word of G.o.d that he was in a worse condition than he supposed--that actually, by nature, we are lost sinners now. Under the operation of the Holy Spirit he was brought to feel this also, and was very miserable.
One day, while officiating at a funeral, the Lord spoke peace to his soul; so great was his joy, that, he said, he could scarcely refrain from shouting aloud in the middle of the service. After it was over he went about everywhere, telling of his conversion, and the Lord"s dealings with his soul.
The result of this was that his fellow-curate (who was also preparing for confession) was awakened, and came to me in great distress of mind, declaring he "could not say he was converted," and that he was very unhappy. He acknowledged that he should not like to die as he was, and therefore knew he ought not to be satisfied to live in that state.
However, when I got to close dealing with him about his soul, he said that though he could not say he was saved, he certainly thought that he was being saved by continual absolution and the sacrament. Upon this, I was enabled to show him that he did not go to the means of grace, or even to the Lord"s table, because he was saved, but in order to be saved; and that he was working for life, and not from life. He gave up disputing, and was not long before he too found peace in believing.
The time was approaching for these two curates to go, as usual, to confession. They came together to ask me about it. I counselled them to go, by all means, to the reverend doctor, who usually received their confession, and to tell him in their own words how the Lord had convicted and converted them. I said that Bilney, one of the first martyrs of the Reformation, when he was converted, went immediately to make confession to Latimer, and by doing so he became the means of his conversion. "Go, by all means; you do not know what use the Lord may make of your testimony."
They went accordingly, but did not meet with the happy success of Bilney, for they were sent indignantly away one after the other for saying their sins were pardoned and their souls save, and that by direct and personal faith in Christ, without the intervention of a priest. The reverend confessor, unlike the honest Latimer, said these young men had come to mock him.
Notwithstanding these instances of usefulness and encouragement, I continued to be very unhappy, for want of more general work, and felt as if G.o.d had cast me off. I can now see that this testing and perplexing dispensation through which I was pa.s.sing, was not altogether such a barren desert as I felt it to be at the time. It was fraught with many lessons, which have stood by me ever since, though I must confess I never revert to this period without many unhappy memories.
I will record one more lesson which I was taught in this place, and then go on to other subjects.
One warm spring day, while I was sitting in my house with the doors and windows open, a gentleman came running into it in great haste, somewhat to my surprise, he being a perfect stranger to me, and I to him.
Standing in the pa.s.sage, and looking into the room where I was seated, he said, "Sir, are you a clergyman?"
I replied, "Yes, I am."
"For G.o.d"s sake, come; follow me!"
So saying, he went away. I immediately took up my hat, and ran after him down the side of the square, and noticing the gate where he turned in, I walked leisurely to the same place, and found him in the pa.s.sage of his house panting for breath. He had run so fast that he could not speak, but made a sign to me to go upstairs; then pointing to a door, he bade me go in. On doing so, I saw at once it was a sick-chamber, and found myself alone in the presence of a lady, who was sitting up in the bed. I bowed to her, and said, "Can I help you?"
She said, "Oh, no! it is too late!"
"Too late for what?"
"I am dying; I am lost! I am lost! It is too late--too late!"
"But Christ came, and is present, to-save the lost."
"Oh, yes! I know all that. I taught it to others, but I never believed it myself. And now it is too late: I am lost!"
"Then believe it now! Why not "now"?"
"Because it is too late!"
"While there is life there is hope! Lose no more time. "G.o.d so loved the world, that He gave His only-begotten Son, that whosoever believeth on Him should not perish"" (John 3:16).
"That is not for me. I know that text very well, but it will not do for me. I am lost! I am lost! It is too late!"
While I was speaking I saw her falling over the side of the bed.
Springing forward, I put out my arm, and, with her head resting on it, and her despairing eyes looking into my face, she expired. I could scarcely believe it, when I saw that flush on her face fade away unto the pallor of death. She was gone! I placed her poor head on the pillow, and rang the bell for a.s.sistance. Her mother and sister came in, saying, "Is it not dreadful?"
I said, "Look at her. She is gone. She said it was too late, and that she was lost for ever."
"Oh," exclaimed the mother, "it is most dreadful!--most dreadful!" This poor young lady used to be a Sunday-school teacher and district visitor; but she was never converted, and she knew it. She had full head-knowledge, but no heart experience, and thus she died in unforgiven sins. Lost---for ever lost!
Notwithstanding this, and other solemn lessons which the Lord was teaching me at this time, I was still restless and unhappy. I felt as if my life, with its work, was cut off in the very beginning of its usefulness, and that there was no more for me to do. As the weather became hot with the advancing summer, I was more and more dejected in mind and body. I lived now among strangers, and had no settled occupation, nor could I apply myself to study.
One very hot and dusty afternoon, as I was slowly toiling up a steep hill, two women overtook me; and as they were pa.s.sing, I heard one say to the other, in a very sad and disheartened tone, "I wish I had never been born;" and the other responded much in the same spirit, though I could not hear what she said. A fellow-reeling makes us wondrous kind, and has the effect of drawing out our sympathies. I followed these poor women, and when we were on the top of the hill, I spoke to them, and then added, "You seem very weary. Will you come in and take a cup of tea and rest a little?" They thanked me, and consented. So I took them into the house, and asked for some tea. While it was being prepared, I said to them, "I overheard you talking on the road as you pa.s.sed me. Do you really wish you had never been born?" The poor woman who had uttered these words burst into tears; and as soon as she could command her feelings sufficiently, she told me her sad tale of sorrow and trouble.
She was a soldier"s wife, as was also the other, and they were both in the same distress. "Well," I said, "trouble does not spring out of the ground; and we may be equally sure that G.o.d, who sends, or at least permits it, does so for our good. One thing is certain, that if we humble ourselves under the mighty hand of G.o.d, He can and will lift us up, for He has promised to do so. He will make all things work together for our good, if we trust Him." I then asked them if they had given their hearts to G.o.d.
One of them said, "Ah, that is what I ought to have done long ago; I know a deal better than I do. I was brought up well, no mistake; but I was giddy, and went after the red-coats, and married an unG.o.dly man, and now I am suffering for it."
"Dear woman," I said, "you may thank G.o.d for hedging up your path. He might have given you over to prosperity and a false happiness, or left you altogether. Thank G.o.d that it is not worse with you; and give Him your heart. Do you believe that the Lord Jesus died for you?" She would not speak. Then I turned to the other, who was also crying, and said, "Do you believe?"
"I did once," she said, in a dejected tone; "but I have gone back from everything."
By this time their tea was ready, so I refreshed them with it; and after that we resumed our conversation and united in prayer. They both gave their hearts to G.o.d. I found that they lived not far off, so I had the opportunity of seeing them from time to time, and was able to instruct and cheer them on their way. I can see now how G.o.d was speaking to me through these women; but somehow I did not hear or recognize His voice then.
About this time, my dear wife became very prostrate in health and spirits--so much so, that we felt anxious about her. I went to a famous physician, who was in the neighbourhood, and asked him to come and see her. He did so, and after careful examination, said that there was really nothing the matter more than that she was one of those persons who could not live in that limestone town in the summer. He said, "She will be perfectly well if you take her away into the country. You must do this at once, for the longer she remains here, the weaker she will be." He refused to take any fee, and said he would send a carriage at two o"clock, and that we must be ready to start by that time. This was more easily said than done; for where could I take the children, or how could I leave them at home? However, as the doctor was very peremptory, we prayed about it, and considered how we were to accomplish the task.
At this critical moment a friend arrived in his carriage, and said he had driven in from the country to bring some relatives of his to the train, and did not care to go back alone. "Would one of us, or both, take pity on him, and give him our company?" As soon as he heard of our position he greatly rejoiced, and said, "Come, all of you; I have plenty of room!" He took the invalid, with some of the children. I shut up the house, and followed with the others and the nurse, in the fly, which duly arrived at two o"clock. By five o"clock we were all out in the green fresh country, and our patient was already revived, and walking about the garden.
There happened to be a farm-house vacant, which we took, and removing some of the furniture, made it comfortable for the present. This we called "home" for a little time during my unsettled state.