Now he doesn"t answer.
"We didn"t finish our conversation about madness."
Still silence. Ah well; another time perhaps.ii I began this pa.s.sage talking about clearing my desk, and I end up with a visitation from my deceased father. That"s how it"s been from the beginning: the strange, the grotesque, even the apocalyptic, has constantly intersected with the domestic, the familial, the inconsequential. While I sat sipping tea I dreamed I was on the Silk Road to Samarkand. While I listened to the crickets I saw Garrison Geary playing the homy mortician. While I was plucking the hairs from my ears one evening I saw Rachel looking back at me from the mirror in my bathroom, and I knew she had fallen in love.
It"s perhaps not surprising that I choose the Silk Road as an example of the strange and Garrison"s cold coupling as an image of the grotesque. But why do I think of Rachel and Galilee when I picture the apocalyptic?
I don"t exactly know, to be honest. I have some uneasy suspicions, but I"m afraid to voice them in case doing so turns a possibility into a likelihood.
I can only say this with any certainty: that as the visions continue to come, it"s Rachel I feel closest to. So close in fact that sometimes when I get up from a period of writing about her- especially if I"ve been recording something that happened to her in private (just the two of us, in other words)-I feel as though I am her. My body"s heavy and hers is light, my skin is Italianate, hers is pale, I move like a man who has only just regained his mobility (I"m lumpen; I stumble), she moves as though she were a silk sail. And yet, I feel I am her.
Many, many pages ago-having somewhat awkwardly described the first liaison between Rachel and Galilee-I remember writing that I was faintly sickened by the pall of incestuous feeling that attended such description. I can honestly say now that all such concerns have disappeared, and for that I must thank the presence of my Rachel. She"s made me shameless. Taking this journey with her, listening to her weep, listening to her rage, listening to her express her longings for Galilee, I have become braver.
Had I to tell that scene again, I wouldn"t be so puritanical. If you doubt me, wait a while. If they meet again I"ll prove the boast. Maddox will have vanished from the equation: I will be Rachel, lying in the arms of her beloved.
III.
Rachel opened her eyes, just a slit, and looked at the clock. It was just a little after six; only an hour since she"d given up on the journal and retired to bed. Her head was throbbing, and her mouth tasted stale. She contemplated getting up to take some aspirin, but she didn"t have the will to move.
As her eyes fluttered closed, however, she heard a noise on the floor below. Her heart jumped.
There was somebody in the apartment. She held her breath, raising her head from the pillow half an inch so as to hear better. There was another sound now; not a footfall this time, but a voice, a man"s voice. Was it Mitch.e.l.l? If so, what the h.e.l.l was he doing letting himself into her apartmentat this hour of the morning; and who the h.e.l.l was he talking to? She strained to hear the words.
She recognized the cadence of voice, though she could make no sense of what he was saying. It was indeed Mitch.e.l.l; the b.a.s.t.a.r.d! Walking in as though he still had the right to come and go.
There was a short pause, then he began to speak again. He was on the telephone to somebody, she realized, and to judge by the speed of his speech, he was excited.
She was almost as curious as she was enraged: what had got him into such a state? She got up, quickly slipped on her underwear and a sweatshirt, and went to the door.
Once she got there she could hear him more clearly. He was talking to Garrison. Even if she hadn"t heard him say his brother"s name, which she did, she would have known from the tone of his voice: that mingling of respect and familiarity which he reserved for Garrison alone.
"I"m coming over right now..." Mitch.e.l.l was saying, "just let me grab some coffee and-"
She opened the door and went out onto the landing. He was still out of sight, but he obviously heard her coming because he truncated his conversation. "I"ll see you in an hour," he said, and put the phone down.
She was at the top of the stairs now, and she could hear him getting up from the table and crossing the room, though she still couldn"t see him.
"Mitch.e.l.l?"
Finally he stepped into view, a sunny smile already fixed on his face, though his pallor was gray and his eyes bloodshot.
"I thought I heard you up there. I didn"t want to wake you, so-"
"What the h.e.l.l are you doing here?"
"Just dropped by to say hi," he replied, the smile still in place. "You look like you had a rough night. Are you okay?"
Rachel started down the stairs. "It"s six in the morning, Mitch.e.l.l."
"There"s a lot of flu going around, you know. Maybe you should see-"
"Are you listening?"
"Don"t be mad, baby," he said, the smile finally making its exit. "You don"t have to yell and scream every time we see one another."
"I"m not screaming," Rachel said calmly. "I"m just telling you I don"t want you in my apartment."She was three steps from the bottom of the flight. He stepped back, hands raised in surrender.
"I"m going," he said, and turning on his heel walked back toward the table. "I should have known she"d pa.s.s it on to you," he said as he went. He was talking about the journal. It was there on the table where Rachel had left it. "Garrison said you were all b.i.t.c.hes, and I didn"t want to believe it.
Not my Rachel. Not my sweet, innocent Rachel." He reached for the journal.
"Don"t touch that," she said.
"I"ll do what the f.u.c.k I like," Mitch.e.l.l said. He picked up the journal, and turned back to look at her. "I gave you a chance-"he said, waving his prize in front of him as he spoke. "I warned you at the gala: don"t mess with things you don"t understand because you"ll end up having n.o.body to protect you. Didn"t I say that?"
"It"s not yours, Mitch," Rachel said, doing her best to preserve her equilibrium. "Put it down and leave."
"Or what?" Mitch.e.l.l said. "Huh? What can you do? You"re on your own." His manner softened abruptly, as though he was genuinely distressed at her vulnerability. "Why didn"t you just come to me and tell me she"d given you this?"
"She didn"t give it to me. I found it."
"You found it?" The softness was gone as quickly as it had appeared. "You went digging around in Garrison"s place?"
"Yes."
He shook his head in disbelief. "You are a piece of work," he said. "Do you have any idea what you"re playing around with?"
"I"m beginning to."
"And you thought your lover-boy Galilee was going to come and save you if you got in too deep?"
"No," she said, slowly walking toward him. "I know that"s not what happens. I have to look after myself. I"m not afraid of you. I know how your mind works."
"Not any longer you don"t," he said. The look in his bloodshot eyes gave credence to the claim; there was something she hadn"t seen there before; something unstable. "You know what you should do, baby? You should go back to Dansky and be thankful you got out alive. I really mean that, baby. Go and don"t look back..."
At the gala his threatening talk had seemed faintly ludi crous; now it carried weight. Hefrightened her. She was weak with sadness and confusion and lack of sleep; if he chose to harm her now, she wouldn"t be able to put up much of a defense.
"You know you may be right," she said, doing her best to conceal her unease. "I should go home."
He was clearly pleased that he"d made some impression on her. "Now you"re being smart," he said.
"I hadn"t realized..."
"No, how could you?"
"... things are more serious..."
"Than you thought. I did try and warn you."
"Yes. You did. And I wasn"t ready to listen."
"But now you see..."
She nodded; he seemed to have bought her performance. "Yes, I see. I was wrong and you were right."
Oh, he liked that; that made him smile from ear to ear. "You know, you are so sweet when you want to be," he said. Without warning, he approached her, his free hand reaching out and catching hold of her chin. She smelled sour sweat and stale cologne. "If I had the time..." he said, that volatile gleam clearer still now he was a foot from her, "I"d take you upstairs and remind you what you"re missing."
She wanted to tell him to go f.u.c.k himself, but there was nothing to be gained from escalating things again when she"d just worked to turn down the heat. Instead she kept her silence, and let him plant a dry kiss on her lips, in that proprietorial manner that had once made her feel like a princess. He hadn"t finished with her, however. His hand dropped from her chin and lightly touched her breast. "Say something," he murmured.
"What do you want me to say?"
"You know," he said.
"You want me to ask you to come upstairs?"
He gave her a crooked-eye grin. "It might be nice," he said.
She swore to herself she"d make him suffer for this one day; she"d have her foot on his neck. But until then: "Well, will you?""Will I what?" he said.
"Take me upstairs-"
"And?"
"-f.u.c.k me."
"Oh, baby, I thought you"d never ask." His hand made one final descent, from her breast to her groin. He slipped his fingers beneath the waistband of her panties. "You"re not wet, baby," he said. He pushed in a little. "Peels like a f.u.c.king grave." He pulled his hand out, as though he"d been stung. "Sorry, baby. Gotta go."
He turned away from her and started in the direction of the door. It was all she could do not to go after him, telling him what a worthless piece of s.h.i.t he was. But she resisted the temptation. He was leaving, and that was all that mattered right now.
"One thing-" he said when he reached the door.
"Yes?"
"Do you want me to put this place back on the market for you? You"re not going to stay here are you?"
"You can do what the h.e.l.l you want with it."
"Whatever I get for it, I"ll put in your account." He glanced over his shoulder, though not far enough to lay eyes on her. "Of course, if you don"t trust me..."
"Sell it, Mitch. I"ll be out of here in two weeks."
"Where will you go?"
"I don"t know yet. I"ve got plenty of friends. Maybe back to Boston. I"ll keep Cecil informed."
"Yeah. Do that, will you?"
That was his departure line: a remote echo of a man who"d once cared for her, and whom she"d been ready to call her husband to the end of her days.
What had happened to him? What was happening to them all? It was as though everybody was shedding their skin, and revealing somebody new-or perhaps somebody they"d always been-to the world. The question that lay before Rachel was simple: who was she? She was no longer Mitch.e.l.l"s wife, that much was certain. But then nor was she Galilee"s lover. Was she doomed to be one of the melancholy women she saw around town noted only for the brevity of their moment-a failed marriage to a public man, or a taste of celebrity, then eclipse? Growing old asgracefully as they knew how: preserving their place at the table with minor good works though half the time people couldn"t quite remember who they were.
She"d go back to Dansky before she"d live a life like that. She"d propose to Neil Wilkens and if he"d take her, settle down to a life of total anonymity. Anything, rather than be pointed out as the woman who"d loved and lost Mitch.e.l.l Geary.
But she was getting ahead of herself. Her first concern was to preserve her life and sanity in the midst of a situation that was far from safe. She could still see the subtle gleam of lunacy in Mitch.e.l.l"s eyes, and the curl of his lips as he took his fingers out of her.
Feels like a f.u.c.king grave...
She shuddered, thinking of what he"d said. Not just of its easy cruelty-though that was horrible enough-but the fact that it seemed to taint her with death. Was that what Mitch really believed?
Did he look at her and see a woman who was already halfway to joining Margie on the Golden Floor? It would be nice and convenient for him if she died, wouldn"t it? He could play the grieving soulmate for a little while, and then move on to find himself a more accommodating wife-one who"d pop out little Gearys on a regular basis and who wouldn"t be too critical of her husband"s lack of pa.s.sion.
This was probably all paranoia, she told herself, but that didn"t make her any less fretful. And to add to her sum of anxieties, there was the fact that Mitch.e.l.l now had the journal. It was plainly important to him; and to Margie too apparently, or else why had she gone to so much trouble to hide it? What was the significance of its contents, that Mitch.e.l.l had been so happy to have it in his hands?
Well, there was no use sitting and stewing over it all; what was done was done. The best thing to do, she decided, was to get the h.e.l.l out of the apartment and walk.
She quickly got dressed, and headed down to the street. The day was fine and bright, and she knew as soon as she started walking that she"d made a smart decision. Her spirits lifted, especially once she got into the crowds on Fifth Avenue. There was a pleasant sense of anonymity there; she was just one of thousands striding the sidewalks, enjoying the day.
The subject of Mitch and his vile talk didn"t come back into her head, but thoughts of Galilee did.
The mysteries that attended him didn"t trouble her as they had previously. In the open air, with the bustle of people all around her, they seemed simply intriguing: inexplicable, even magical, elements in her personal landscape. What was he, this man who spoke of shark G.o.ds as though they were his bosom buddies? Who had lived several lifetimes, wandering the oceans of the world? Who was so lonely, and yet took no comfort in the presence of other living beings?
She wished she"d quizzed him more closely when they"d been together, particularly about his family. a.s.suming that he"d been telling the truth when he"d said he had no grandparents, what did that imply about his mother and father? That they were somehow original souls, the Adam and Eve of their species? If so, then what did that make Galilee? Cain or Abel? The first murderer?The first victim?
Biblical parallels wouldn"t have seemed so pertinent but for the fact of the man"s name. He was called Galilee, after all; somebody in his family knew their Gospels.
Well, whatever he was, whatever the nature of his mystery, she didn"t expect to be solving it any time soon. The journal"s contents had only served to confirm the suspicion that his path and hers went in very different directions.
She would not be sitting down to talk about his name or his childhood anytime soon. He was gone from her life, perhaps forever; and she had no way back to him. No means of tracing him except through the coils of Geary family history, where she was now effectively forbidden to go.
She was an exile, like him. He on the water, she on Fifth Avenue; he alone, she surrounded by people: but still, in the end, outcasts.
Walking gave her a hunger, so she dropped into Alfredo"s-a little Italian place she"d gone more than once with Mitch.e.l.l-for lunch. She arrived thinking she"d have a salad, but when she scanned the menu her appet.i.te sharpened, and she ended up with a plate of spaghetti followed by profiteroles. What now? she wondered as she ate. She couldn"t walk the streets of New York forever; sooner or later she was going to have to decide where her best hope of safety lay.
Her espresso was not brought by her waiter but by the owner of the establishment, Alfredo himself: a round, pink, cherubic man who had never lost his thick Italian accent. Indeed he probably nurtured it, as part of his charm.
"Mrs. Geary..." he said, with great gravity, "... we are all so very, very sad when we hear about your sister-in-law. She came in once, with the older Mrs. Geary-Lor-etta-and we all just fell in love with her."
Loretta and Margie, sharing a bottle of wine and reminiscences? It was hard to picture.
"Does Loretta come in here often?"
"Now and again," Alfredo said.
"And what do you make of her? Does everybody love Loretta too?"
The plainness of the question defeated Alfredo"s considerable powers of diplomacy. He opened his mouth, but no answer came.
"No instant love for Loretta, huh?"