C-Note stood up and wiped the oil off a wrench. He motioned for the two other men to leave us alone. One of them gave me a nasty look and muttered something that sounded equally nasty, but I couldn"t quite make it out.
"You need to learn to shut your mouth," C-Note finally said.
"Shut my mouth? I don"t know what you"re talking about."
"Don"t play with me. All that s.h.i.t I told you. All them n.i.g.g.e.rs I introduced you to. If you told me you were going to tell J.T. they were making that money, I wouldn"t have told you nothing."
My heart sank. I thought of my long debriefing with J.T. and Ms. Bailey. I had given them breakdowns on each hustler"s earnings: how much every one of them made, when and where they worked, what they planned for the future. I didn"t hand over my written data, but I"d done the next-best thing.
"J.T. is all over over these n.i.g.g.e.rs," C-Note said. He looked disgusted and spit on the ground. I could tell he was angry but that he wasn"t comfortable expressing it to me. Until now our relationship had been based on trust; I rarely, if ever, spoke to anyone about what I learned from C-Note. these n.i.g.g.e.rs," C-Note said. He looked disgusted and spit on the ground. I could tell he was angry but that he wasn"t comfortable expressing it to me. Until now our relationship had been based on trust; I rarely, if ever, spoke to anyone about what I learned from C-Note.
"He"s taxing every one of them now," he said. "And he beat the s.h.i.t out of Parnell and his brother because he thought they were hiding what they were doing. They weren"t, but you can"t convince J.T. of nothing. When he gets his mind to something, that"s it. And then he tells Jo-Jo and his guys that they can"t come around no more because they they were hiding things from him. Jo-Jo"s daughter lives up in here. So now he can"t see were hiding things from him. Jo-Jo"s daughter lives up in here. So now he can"t see her. her." C-Note kept talking, getting angrier and angrier as he listed all the people that J.T. was cracking down on. "There"s no way he could"ve found out if you didn"t say nothing."
There was an awkward silence. I thought about lying, and I began to drum up an excuse. But something came over me. During the years I"d been in this community, people were always telling me that I was different from all the journalists and other outsiders who came by, hunting up stories. They didn"t eat dinner with families or hang around at night to share a beer; they typically asked a lot of questions and then left with their story, never to return. I prided myself on this difference.
But now it was time to accept my fate. "I was sitting in Ms. Bailey"s office," I told C-Note. "She and J.T. always help me, just like you. And I f.u.c.ked up. I told them things, and I had no idea that they would use that information. Man, I had no idea that it would even be useful to them."
"That has to be one of the stupidest things I ever ever heard you say." C-Note began putting away his tools. heard you say." C-Note began putting away his tools.
"Honestly, C-Note, I had no idea when I was talking to them-"
"No!" C-Note"s voice grew sharp. "You knew. Yes you did. But you were too busy thinking about your own self. That"s what happened. You got some s.h.i.t for your professors, and you were getting high on that. I know you ain"t that that naive, man." naive, man."
"I"m sorry, C-Note. I don"t know what else to say. I f.u.c.ked up."
"Yeah, you f.u.c.ked up. You need to think about why why you"re doing your work. You always tell me you want to help us. Well, we ain"t never asked for your help, and we sure don"t need it now." you"re doing your work. You always tell me you want to help us. Well, we ain"t never asked for your help, and we sure don"t need it now."
C-Note walked away toward the other men. They stood quietly drinking beer and watching me. I headed toward the building. I wanted to see if Ms. Bailey was in her office.
Then an obvious thought hit me: If J.T. had acted on my information to tax the male street hustlers, Ms. Bailey might have started taxing the women I told her about. Worse yet, she might have had some of them evicted for hiding their income. How could I find out what had happened because of my stupidity? As I stood in the gra.s.sy expanse, staring up at the high-rise, I tried to think of someone who might possibly help me. I needed a tenant who was relatively independentof Ms. Bailey, someone who might still trust me enough to talk. I thought of Clarisse.
I hustled over to the liquor store and bought a few bottles of Boone"s Farm wine. Clarisse wasn"t going to talk for free.
I walked quickly through the building lobby and took the stairs up. I didn"t want to get trapped in the elevator with women who might be angry with me for selling them out to Ms. Bailey. Clarisse opened her door and greeted me with a loud burst of laughter.
"Oooh! Boy, you f.u.c.ked up this time, you surely did."
"So it"s all over the building? Everyone knows?"
"Sweetheart, ain"t no secrets in this place. What did Clarisse tell you when we first met? Shut the f.u.c.k up. Shut the f.u.c.k up. Don"t tell them nothing about who you are and what you do. Clarisse should have been there with you. You were spying for Ms. Bailey?" Don"t tell them nothing about who you are and what you do. Clarisse should have been there with you. You were spying for Ms. Bailey?"
"Spying! No way. I wasn"t spying, I was just doing my research, asking questions and-"
"Sweetheart, it don"t matter what you call it. Ms. Bailey got p.i.s.sed off and went running up in people"s houses, claiming they owed her money. I mean, you probably doubled her income, just like that. And you"re really not getting any any kickbacks? Just a little something from her?" kickbacks? Just a little something from her?"
"Wait a minute," I said. "How do they know I was the one who gave Ms. Bailey the information?"
"Because, you fool, she told told everyone! Even if she didn"t tell them, she was running around saying, "You made twenty-five dollars last month," "You made fifty dollars last week," "You made ten dollars this week, and you owe me ten percent plus a penalty for not telling me." I mean, the only folks we told all this information to was you!" everyone! Even if she didn"t tell them, she was running around saying, "You made twenty-five dollars last month," "You made fifty dollars last week," "You made ten dollars this week, and you owe me ten percent plus a penalty for not telling me." I mean, the only folks we told all this information to was you!"
"But did she charge you, too?"
"No, no! She don"t charge the hos, remember? J.T. already charges us."
I sat and listened with my head down as Clarisse listed all the women who"d been confronted by Ms. Bailey. I had a sinking feeling that I"d have a hard time coming back to this building to continue my research. I also had to face the small matter of managing to leave here today still in one piece.
Clarisse sensed my anxiety. As she talked-laughing heartily all the while, at my expense-she started ma.s.saging my shoulder. "Don"t worry, little baby! You probably never had an a.s.s whuppin", have you? Well, sometimes that helps clear the air. Just don"t take the stairs when you leave, "cause if you get caught there, they may never find your body."
I must have looked truly frightened, for Clarisse stopped laughing and took a sincere tone.
"Folks forgive around here," she said gently. "We"re all religious people, sweetheart. We have to put up with a lot of s.h.i.t from our own families, so nothing you did to us will make things much worse."
At that moment, sitting with Clarisse, I didn"t think that even the Good Lord himself could, or would, help me. It was embarra.s.sing to think that I had been so wrapped up in my desire to obtain good data that I couldn"t antic.i.p.ate the consequences of my actions. After several years in the projects, I had become attuned to each and every opportunity to get information from the tenants. This obsession was primarily fueled by a desire to make my dissertation stand out and increase my stature in the eyes of my advisers. After I"d talked with C-Note and Clarisse, it was clear to me that other people were paying a price for my success.
I began to feel deeply ambivalent about my own reasons for being in the projects. Would I really advance society with my research, as Bill Wilson had promised I could do if I worked hard?
Could I change our stereotypes of the poor by getting so deep inside the lives of the families? I suddenly felt deluged by these kinds of questions.
Looking back, I was probably being a little melodramatic. I had been so naive up to this point about how others perceived my presence that any sort of shake-up at all was bound to send me reeling.
I couldn"t think of a way to rectify the situation other than to stop coming to Robert Taylor entirely. But I was close to finishing my fieldwork, and I didn"t want to quit prematurely. In the coming weeks, I spoke to Clarisse and Autry a few times for advice. Both suggested that the tenants I had angered would eventually stop being so angry, but they couldn"t promise much more than that. When I asked Autry whether I"d be able to get back to collecting data, he just shrugged and walked off.
I eventually came back to the building to face the tenants. No one declined to speak with me outright, but I didn"t exactly receive a hero"s welcome either. Everyone knew I had J.T."s support, so it was unlikely that anyone would confront me in a hostile manner. When I went to visit C-Note in the parking lot, he simply nodded at me and then went about his work, talking with customers and singing along with the radio. It felt like people in the building looked at me strangely when I pa.s.sed by, but I wondered if I was just being paranoid. Perhaps the best indicator of my change in status was that I wasn"t doing much of anything casual- casual-hearing jokes, sharing a beer, loaning someone a dollar.
One sultry summer day not long after my fiasco with the hustlers, I attended the funeral of Catrina, Ms. Bailey"s dutiful a.s.sistant. On the printed announcement, her full name was rendered as Catrina Eugenia Washington. But I knew this was not her real name.
Catrina had once told me that her father had s.e.xually abused her when she was a teenager, so she ran away from home. She wound up living in Robert Taylor with a distant relative. She changed her name so her father wouldn"t find her and enrolled in a GED program at DuSable High School. She took a few part-time jobs to help pay for rent and groceries. She was also saving money to go to community college; she was trying to start over. I never did find out her real name.
As a kid she had wanted to study math. But her father, she told me, said that higher education was inappropriate for a young black woman. He advised her instead just to get married and have children.
Catrina had a love of knowledge and would partic.i.p.ate in a discussion about nearly anything. I enjoyed talking with her about science, African-American history, and Chicago politics. She always wore a studious look, intense and focused. Working as Ms. Bailey"s a.s.sistant, she received just a few dollars a week. But, far more significant, she was receiving an apprenticeship in Chicago politics. "I will do something important one day," she liked to tell me, in her most serious voice. "Like Ms. Bailey, I will will make a difference for black people. Especially black women." make a difference for black people. Especially black women."
By this time Catrina had been living in Robert Taylor for a few years. But over the July Fourth holiday, she decided to visit her siblings in Chicago"s south suburbs, an area increasingly populated with African-American families who"d made it out of the ghetto. From what I was told, her father heard that she was visiting and tracked her down. A skirmish followed. Catrina got caught between her brother, who was protecting her, and her angry father. A gun went off, and the bullet hit Catrina, killing her instantly. No one around Robert Taylor knew if either the brother or the father had been arrested.
The funeral was held in the back room of a large African Methodist Episcopal church on the grounds of Robert Taylor. The hot air was stifling, the sun streaming in shafts through dusty windows. There were perhaps fifty people in attendance, mostly women from Ms. Bailey"s building. A few members of Catrina"s family were also there, but they came surrept.i.tiously because they didn"t want her father to hear about the funeral. Ms. Bailey stationed herself at the room"s entrance, welcoming the mourners. She looked as if she were presiding over a tenant meeting: upright, authoritarian, refusing to cry while consoling those who were. She had the air of someone who did this regularly, who mourned for someone every week.
Sitting in a corner up front was T-Bone, his head down, still as stone. He and Catrina had been seeing each other for a few months. Although T-Bone had a steady girlfriend-it wasn"t uncommon for gang members, or practically any other young man in the projects, to have multiple girlfriends-he and Catrina had struck up a friendship and, over time, become lovers. I sometimes came upon the two of them studying together at a local diner. T-Bone was about to leave his girlfriend for Catrina when she was killed.
Any loss of life is mourned in the projects, but there are degrees. Young men and women who choose a life of drugs and street gangs may, understandably, not be long for this world. When one of them dies, he or she is certainly mourned, but without any great sense of shock; there is a general feeling that death was always a good possibility. But for someone like Catrina, who had refused to follow such a path, death came with a deep sense of shock and disbelief. She was one of thousands of young people who had escaped the attention of social workers, the police, and just about everyone else. Adults in the projects pile up their hopes on people like Catrina, young men and women who take a sincere interest in education, work, and self-betterment. And I guess I did, too. Her death left me with a sting that would never fade.
The essays that Catrina used to write covered the difficulties of family life in the projects, the need for women to be independent, the stereotypes about poor people. Writing seemed to provide Catrina a sense of relief, as though she were finally acknowledging the hurdles of her own past; it also helped her develop a strong, a.s.sertive voice, not unlike that of her hero, Ms. Bailey.
In tribute to Catrina, I thought I"d try to broaden this idea by starting a writing workshop for young women in the building who were interested in going back to school. I brought up the possibility with Ms. Bailey. "Good idea," she said, "but take it slow, especially when you"re dealing with these these young women." young women."
I was nervous about teaching the workshop, but I was also eager. My relationship with tenants up to this point had largely been a one-way street; after all this time in Robert Taylor, I felt as though I should give something back. On a few occasions, I had managed to solicit donations from my professors, fifty or a hundred dollars, for some kind of program in the neighborhood. This money might do a great deal of good, but it seemed to me a fairly impersonal way of helping. I was hoping to do something more direct.
In the past I hadn"t been drawn to standard charitable activities like coaching basketball or volunteering at a school, because I wanted to differentiate myself from the people who helped families and ran programs in the community. I had heard many tenants criticize the patronizing att.i.tudes of such volunteers. The writing workshop, however, seemed like a good fit. Having hung out in the community for several years, I believed I could avoid the kind of fate- exclusion, cold stares, condescending responses-that often greeted the people who rode into town to do good.
I was also still reeling from the fact that I had alienated so many people around J.T."s territory. I was feeling guilty, and I needed to get people back on my side again.
Of all the people in the projects, I had the least experience spending time with young women, particularly single mothers. I was a bit nervous, particularly because Ms. Bailey, Ms. Mae, and other older women warned me not to get too close to the young women. They felt that the women would begin looking to me as a source of support.
In the beginning the group convened wherever we could-in someone"s apartment, at a diner, outside under a tree. At first there were five women in the group, and then we grew to roughly a dozen as more people heard about it. The meetings were pretty casual, and attendance could be spotty, since the women had family and work obligations.
From the outset it was an emotional experience. The women wrote and spoke openly about their struggles. Each of them had at least a couple of children, which generally meant at least one "baby daddy" who wasn"t in the picture. Each of them had a man in her life who"d been either jailed or killed. They spoke of in-laws who demanded that the women give up their children to the father"s family, some of whom were willing to use physical force to claim the children.
Their material hardships were overwhelming. Most of them earned no more than ten thousand dollars a year, a combination of welfare payments and food stamps. Some worked part-time, and others took in boarders who paid cash or, nearly as valuable, provided day care so the young women could work, run errands, or just have a little time for themselves.
The most forceful stories were the tales of abuse. Every single woman had been beaten up by a boyfriend (who was usually drunk at the time), some almost fatally. Every one of them had lived in fear for days or weeks, waiting for the same man to return.
One cold autumn evening, we congregated at a local diner. We found a large table in the back, where it was quiet. The owner was by now accustomed to our presence, and he didn"t mind that we stayed for hours. If business was particularly good, he"d feed us all night long and then waive the tab. He and I had struck up a friendship-I often came to the diner to write up my field notes- and he liked the fact that I was trying to help tenants.
The theme of this week"s essay was "How I Survive." Tanya was the first to read from her journal. She was twenty years old, a high-school dropout with two children. She"d stayed with her mother after the first child was born but eventually got her own apartment in the same building, then had a second baby. She didn"t know the whereabouts of the first father; the second had died in a gang shooting. In her essay she bragged about how she earned twice her welfare income by taking in boarders.
"But sometimes it doesn"t go so well, Sudhir," said one of the other women, Sarina, who liked to be the voice of reason. She stared down Tanya as she spoke. Sarina had three children, the fathers of whom were, respectively, in jail, dead, and unwilling to pay child support. So she, too, had taken in boarders. "I remember when my brother came into the house, he started dealing dope and they caught him. Almost took my lease away."
"Yeah, but that"s just because you didn"t pay the building manager enough money," Tanya said. "Or I think that it was because you didn"t sleep with him!"
"Well, I"m not doing either one of those things," Sarina said in a moralistic tone, shaking her head.
"You got some nerve," interrupted Keisha. "Sarina, you put your a.s.s out there for any man who comes looking." At twenty-six, Keisha was one of the oldest women in the group. Even though she had grown angry with me for sharing information about hustlers with Ms. Bailey, she hadn"t held the grudge for long. She had two daughters and was the best writer in the group, a high-school graduate now planning to apply to Roosevelt College. "h.e.l.l, there ain"t no difference between some ho selling her s.h.i.t and you taking some man in your house for money."
"Hey, that"s that"s survival!" Tanya said. "I mean, that"s what we"re here to talk about, right?" survival!" Tanya said. "I mean, that"s what we"re here to talk about, right?"
"Okay," I jumped in, trying to establish some order. "What"s the best way for you to take care of whatever you need to? Give me the top ten ways you survive."
Sarina began. "Always make sure you know someone at the CHA you can turn to when you can"t make rent. It helps, because you could get evicted."
"Yeah, and if you have to sleep with a n.i.g.g.e.r downtown, then you got to do it," said Keisha. "Because if you don"t, they will will put your kids on the street." put your kids on the street."
Sarina went on, ignoring Keisha. "You got to make sure you can get clothes and food and diapers for your kids," she said. "Even if you don"t have money. So you need to have good relations with stores."
"Make sure Ms. Bailey"s always getting some d.i.c.k!" Keisha shouted, laughing hard.
"You know, one time I had to let her sleep with my my man so I wouldn"t get kicked out of the building," Chantelle said. man so I wouldn"t get kicked out of the building," Chantelle said.
"That"s awful," I said.
"Yeah," Chantelle said. "And he almost left me, too, when he found out that Ms. Bailey could get him a job and would let him stay up there and eat all her food." Chantelle was twenty-one. Her son had learning disabilities, so she was struggling to find a school that could help him. She worked part-time at a fast-food restaurant and depended on her mother and grandmother for day care and cash.
Chantelle"s hardships weren"t uncommon in the projects. Unfortunately, neither was her need to appease Ms. Bailey. The thought that a tenant had to let the building president sleep with her partner was alarming to me. But among these women such indignities weren"t rare. To keep your own household intact, they said, you had to keep Ms. Bailey happy and well paid. As I heard more stories similar to Chantelle"s, I found myself growing angry at Ms. Bailey and the other LAC officials. I asked Chantelle and the other women why they didn"t challenge Ms. Bailey. Their answer made perfect sense: When it became obvious that the housing authority supported a management system based on extortion and corruption, the women decided their best option was to shrug their shoulders and accept their fate.
I found it unconscionable that such a regime existed, but I wasn"t going to confront Ms. Bailey either. She was too powerful. And so while the women"s anger turned into despair, my disgust began to morph into bitterness.
The women"s list of survival techniques went well beyond ten. Keep cigarettes in your apartment so you can pay off a squatter to fix things when they break. Let your child pee in the stairwell to keep prost.i.tutes from congregating there at night. Let the gangs pay you to store drugs and cash in your apartment. (The risk of apprehension, the women concurred, was slim.) Then there were all the resources to be procured in exchange for s.e.x: groceries from the bodega owner, rent forgiveness from the CHA, a.s.sistance from a welfare bureaucrat, preferential treatment from a police officer for a jailed relative. The women"s explanation for using s.e.x as currency was consistent and pragmatic: If your child was in danger of going hungry, then you did whatever it took to fix the problem. The women looked pained when they discussed using their bodies to obtain these necessities; it was clear that this wasn"t their first-or even their hundredth-preference.
"Always know somebody at the hospital," Tanya blurted out. "Always have somebody you can call, because that ambulance never comes. And when you get there, you need to pay somebody, or else you"ll be waiting in line forever!"
"Yes, that"s true, and the people at the hospital can give you free baby food," Sarina said. "Usually you need to meet them in the back alley. And I"d say you should keep a gun or a knife hidden, in case your man starts beating you. Because sometimes you have to do something to get him to stop."
"You"ve had to use a knife before?" I asked. No one had spoken or written about this yet. "How often?"
"Many times!" Sarina looked at me as if I"d grown up on Mars. "When these men start drinking, you can"t talk to them. You just need to protect yourself-and don"t forget, they"ll beat up the kids, too."
Keisha started to cry. She dropped her head into her lap and covered up so no one could see. Sarina leaned over and hugged her.
"The easiest time is when they"re asleep," Tanya said. "They"re lying there, mostly because they"ve pa.s.sed out drunk. That"s when it runs through your mind. You start thinking, "I could end it right here. I could kill the motherf.u.c.ker, right now. Then he can"t beat me no more." I think about it a lot."
Keisha wiped her eyes. "I stabbed that n.i.g.g.e.r because I couldn"t take it no more. Wasn"t anybody helping me. Ms. Bailey said she couldn"t do nothing, the police said they couldn"t do nothing. And this man was coming around beating me and beating my baby for no reason. I couldn"t think of any other way, couldn"t think of nothing else to do. . . ."
She began to sob again. Sarina escorted her to the bathroom.
"She sent her man to the hospital," Tanya quietly explained. "Almost killed him. One night he was asleep on the couch-he had already sent her her to the hospital a few times, broke her ribs, she got st.i.tches and bruises all over her body. She grabbed that knife and kept putting it in his stomach. He got up and ran out the apartment. I think one of J.T."s boys took him to the hospital. He"s a BK." to the hospital a few times, broke her ribs, she got st.i.tches and bruises all over her body. She grabbed that knife and kept putting it in his stomach. He got up and ran out the apartment. I think one of J.T."s boys took him to the hospital. He"s a BK."
Because the boyfriend was a senior gang member, Tanya said, J.T. refused to pressure him to stop beating Keisha. She still lived in fear that the man would return.
One day Ms. Bailey called and asked that I come to a building-wide meeting with her tenants. She hadn"t invited me to such a meeting in more than a year, so I figured something important was afoot.
I hadn"t been keeping up with Ms. Bailey"s tenant meetings in part because I"d already ama.s.sed sufficient information on these gatherings and also because, in all honesty, I"d grown uncomfortable watching the horse-trading schemes that she and other tenant leaders used to manage the community.
My own life was also starting to evolve. I had moved in with my girlfriend, Katchen, and we were thinking about getting married. Visiting our relatives-mine in California and hers in Montana- took time away from my fieldwork, including much of our summers and vacations. My parents were thrilled, and they pushed me to think seriously about starting a family along with a career. Katchen was applying to law school; neither of us was ready for children just yet.
And then there was the matter of my dissertation, which I still had to write. I began to meet more regularly with Bill Wilson and other advisers to see whether I could plausibly move toward wrapping up my graduate study.
Ms. Bailey"s office was packed for the meeting when I arrived, with a few dozen people in attendance, all talking excitedly. As usual, most of them were older women, but there were also several men standing in the back. I recognized a couple of them as the partners of women in the building; it was unusual to see these men at a public meeting. Ms. Bailey waved me up front, pointing me to the chair next to hers.
"Okay," she said, "Sudhir has agreed to come here today so we can clear this up."
I was taken aback. Clear what what up? Everyone was suddenly staring at me, and they didn"t look happy. up? Everyone was suddenly staring at me, and they didn"t look happy.
"Why are you sleeping with my daughter?" shouted a woman I didn"t recognize. "Tell me, G.o.dd.a.m.n it! Why are you f.u.c.king my baby?"
"Answer the woman!" someone else hollered. I couldn"t tell who was talking, but it didn"t matter: I was in a state of shock.