Gibbs opened the door to Ray"s room. It"s already midnight and it"s weird that Ray didn"t lock the door. Especially now that he"s living alone in the room. Wasn"t he worried that Sofil would come beat him up, or rape him? This worried Gibbs. It"s not the possibility of Sofil doing things to Ray, but the fact that Ray was too depressed to even care about those things.
Gibbs saw Ray sleeping. He had no intention to disturb him. It"s enough for him to be in the same room as Ray. That night, Gibbs felt lonely and admittedly, scared. He felt uneasy being in his room. KJ was doing his project as usual. Coincidentally, Fara was attending a camp at another school which would last for a week. Lately, she had been involved in many activities that were held in another school. It"s true that she had the habit of being an over-achiever and joined those activities - but Gibbs thought that there was no need to do that for this year as it was their SPM year. Not to mention that Gibbs was emotionally unstable right now. But if he said that to Fara, it would sound like a clingy guy wanting a moral support. He felt disgusted thinking about it.
It"s only with Ray that he could speak about these emotional things without holding back. But the problem now was that even making him speak a single word was hard. Gibbs felt angry sometimes. He really felt like shaking Ray"s body but he once read an article about depression - it"s like how we can"t someone who has diabetes to "snap out of it", depression can"t be handled like that. But diabetes at least has a cure - even if it won"t completely heal the patient, it could still control the sickness.
Gibbs remembered what KJ said that day when they fought and nearly beat each other up. Is everything really my fault? Gibbs thought. But even if I didn"t go out with Fara, it won"t stop that psycho b.i.t.c.h from liking me. And when her feeling isn"t reciprocated, it would still lead to her committing suicide, right?
Gibbs then remembered what Ray said during the break before senior year started. The theory that Deepa did it to make them go mad and destroy their friendship. It was Ray that said that they couldn"t let the b.i.t.c.h win.
But now, who was the one giving up without fighting? Who"s the one unreasonably depressed even though they could still continue their lives as usual, even though Troll was no longer in the same school?
In the darkness, Gibbs felt angrier towards Ray than KJ. And he felt angry towards Troll too. He really wanted to go to Troll"s new school and school him using his method, forcing him to continue his senior year in CGTSS (in his anger, he had forgotten about Troll"s body size that"s bigger than him - but what did he care!)
Ray"s sleeping figure was observed by Gibbs. It seems like you"re sleeping just fine. Wouldn"t depressed people usually have problems with sleeping? Are you or are you not depressed, Ray? Maybe all along you never wanted to befriend us, and this is the best reason for you to distance yourself from us?
The night became darker… and the whispers in Gibbs" head became worse…
Paranoia.
Negative opinions that leads to negative emotions towards someone or something even though the truth is not like that at all.
The convoluted definition would only worsen the situation for someone who"s paranoid. And even before they finished reading, they might"ve already started thinking ridiculous things.
Gibbs had never seen the definition of paranoia in any books or websites as he felt that he wasn"t someone who"s paranoid. One more characteristic of a paranoid person - he never knows if he"s paranoid.
Gibbs" paranoia started when he realised that Ray wasn"t speaking to him at all. Yes, he understood… Ray was moody. But even so, it can"t be to the point of not even speaking? It"s understandable if he didn"t want to talk with KJ, but Gibbs was the one closest to him! He should at least voice out his artist"s lines occasionally.
That night, after KJ came back from Teratai Block (don"t know what"s so special at that block, for him to go there every night. Maybe this guy started having a girlfriend too?), Gibbs chatted with him.
"I don"t know what to do with Ray anymore," sighed Gibbs.
KJ lightly laughed. It sounded cynical. "You"re pampering him too much."
"He"s our friend, you idiot. We can"t just leave him be," KJ got the idiot label.
KJ sat on his bed, facing Gibbs while sighing - like he was handling a foolish child.
"I know that we"re in different cla.s.ses, but how about you go and pa.s.s by hi cla.s.s sometimes?" suggested KJ.
Gibbs scrunched his forehead, showing that he didn"t understand.
"He"s fine in cla.s.s you know? He"d sometimes even chat with people! But when he"s back with us… he becomes like that. Is that what you call depressed? Doesn"t seem that consistent," commented KJ.
Gibbs was silent. Is this true?
"Don"t you feel that…" KJ continued while beating around the bush, like a people"s representative solving a problem with charisma, "…in actuality, Ray doesn"t really want to talk with us?"
"Why not?" Gibbs almost flipped.
"Yeah. We"re just reminding him of Deepa"s suicide case. Maybe he"s trying to forget it but every time he sees us, he would remember it again and becomes traumatic. That"s why he"s avoiding us," KJ voiced out his theory.
Whether he liked it or not, Gibbs had to admit that the theory was logical.
"I feel that he"s glad Troll moved school. He could get the room for himself. What"s left is avoiding us. And you, you"re selfishly going there. Of course his objective won"t be achieved! Thus, the best way to stop you from visiting his room was to stop talking to you."
Again, Gibbs couldn"t retort KJ"s words. Dammit! I have no idea how to refute him.
"There"s one more reason," KJ said again. "But if I say it, you"d just get mad."
Gibbs stared at KJ.
"You know… that Ray likes you, right?"
KJ"s question wasn"t unexpected to Gibbs, but… it"s something that everyone knew but never mentioned; as if it was, it"d make things awkward.
Like right now.
"So what if it is so?" Gibbs asked back.
"Not "if"… it is! The guy really has the hots for you!"
"So what?"
"What, you ask? Didn"t you feel that when you started going out with Fara, he became frustrated?"
Gibbs shook his head. This time, he knew how to refute KJ"s theory. "But I started going out with Fara even before that psycho b.i.t.c.h killed herself. He was fine then!"
"It won"t hold on for long…"
"But I met Ray during our break. He himself said that he wouldn"t let the tragedy destroy our friendship. Why would he suddenly distance himself from us? That"s illogical."
"At that time, he"s at home, Gibbs. Far from this school. Far from where that tragedy occurred. Maybe when he came back, he realised how large of n effect the tragedy had on him?" replied KJ.
I am seriously impressed with KJ"s mental capability that had increased quite a lot! Did he eat raisins or something?
"But we"re still here. We"re his friends, right? We"re not just sunny day friends, we"re best friends! He shouldn"t feel like that," Gibbs" reply wasn"t in a refuting manner but more of a protest towards Ray"s action.
"You can"t decide how people feel, Gibbs. Especially Ray, he"s a bit different from others."
It"s because he"s different that I…
"Gibbs, I know that you really want us to become like before. Believe me, I want our senior year to be the best year, too. But what can we do…"
Gibbs stood up. "I"m going out for a bit."
"Gibbs…"
"I"m going out."
"Gibbs!"
But Gibbs still went out.
Sorry for the delay. Was busy with Eid al-Fitr preparation. And to all Muslims out there, Happy Eid al-Fitr. Now gimme some money! Lol jk xD (but I’d appreciate it if you do).
I won’t have any internet conection in a few days so I’ll stockpile a few chapters during that time and post em when I’m back home.
Anyway, hope you nejoyed the chapter.