"See, you do feel it." He casually drove home his point, and I felt compelled to leave his presence and not be drawn into his seductive argument.
"I thought that we had grown beyond this subject matter." I collected my writing materials and made for the cabin door. "It is very disappointing to be proven wrong."
"Oh, don"t worry," Devere added, a little spitefully. "Our love shall never be realised. Not so much as a single kiss shall you ever give me. I know that to submit would destroy everything you have worked your whole life to achieve and I will take steps to curtail my feelings and bring them in check. However...you will be the death of me."
The claim brought me to a halt, and I did an about-face to a.s.sess how serious he was.
"That inevitability has been made heartbreakingly plain, I"m afraid."
The emotions that fired up my being made me want to cry, but why? Was it the sheer abandon I heard in his tone, which seemed to indicate he had nothing left to live for and thus death scared him not? Was it because my heart was in sympathy with his claims, and I dared not admit it, even to myself? Was it that I feared Rex Mundi was just playing games with my conscience and I was falling into his trap? "If you feel anything at all for me, you shall never speak of such things to me ever again," I said. I didn"t want to have to hate Devere, for I did not. But I could not consider his feelings about me either.
"I would not have spoken of them now, but you asked," he replied.
This conversation was just exhausting, for indeed I had. But could I trust him never to broach the subject again?
"I shall be as a brother to you from now on," he a.s.sured me before I even had the chance to try and phrase my question.
"Very good." I took a deep breath to calm myself. "I shall hold you to your word." I opened the door and stepped into the corridor that led to the galley and deck.
"Yes, you shall," he uttered as I closed the door behind me and leant on it for strength. Why was every word he said a drain on me, even when there was no s.e.xual connotation attached?
Our a.s.sociation during this mission is never going to work, I fear, when it seems that even I cannot keep my focus and faith. Has G.o.d abandoned me, or is it that my heart has abandoned my G.o.d?
MAY 23 23RD 1244 1244.
My spirits are soaring. Off the port bow, as I write, the Princ.i.p.ality of Antioch is within sight. I am excited beyond words that today I shall set foot on dry land.
Despite my previous fears, Devere has kept his vow to me, and has been more amiable, in a brotherly sense, than ever before. Our conversation on the night of his recovery could have been a dream, for he has never referred to it again. It is almost as if he has forgotten it entirely, for there has been nothing implied in his manner or words which would indicate that he is repressing feelings for me. Devere did say that he would take steps to bring his feelings under control, although how he managed this, or quite what he had meant by it, was a mystery to me. I was glad that whatever he was doing seemed to be working.
I began to believe that my knight"s prediction of "a relationship between us never being realised" was quite true, and so I felt far more at ease in Devere"s company. I had become fond enough of my travelling companion to hope that his second prediction, that I would be the death of him, would not be proven true either. I have to admit that I wondered if one prediction related to the other. And if I bestowed the kiss he had said I would never give him, would that prove all all his predictions false? his predictions false?
I should not be thinking such thoughts; perhaps the excitement of the day is getting to me.
MAY 28 28TH 1244 1244.
I have been a fool and I feel I am a disgrace to my order. Thankfully, my G.o.d brought me to my senses before I could shame myself and it is only now, days after the event, that I have found the courage to confess my folly.
On our first night in port, Devere found us very comfortable lodgings in an inn frequented by rich merchants visiting Antioch"s seaport of St Simeon. I cannot express how good it felt to bathe after months at sea, or how wonderful it felt to sleep in a room all by myself.
As I lay down in bed that night I could still feel the rocking of the boat. Devere had warned that this would be the case and that it would be several days before I would again feel comfortable on solid land. After some time I did manage to fall asleep, but my dreams were most disturbing.
I have never before dreamed of being intimate with a man and the vision was so vivid that I believed the event was truly taking place. I felt no guilt, doubt or inhibition in the act, only relief and elation beyond any earthly joy I had ever known. Before my expectations could be fully satisfied I awoke in a sweat, and was disappointed to find myself alone and more tormented than I had ever been. To add to my vexation I knew there was but a wall between myself and the man I desired so desperately. I wasn"t myself, for there was no reasoning with the emotions that had been set into play by my dreaming. Nothing seemed to matter beyond making my vision a reality.
In the corridor beyond my quarters not a soul could be seen; thus, I did not bother covering my clean long-shirt. I just crept silently to Devere"s quarters next door and quietly opened the door.
A very sobering sight met my eyes. Devere was as naked as the local woman beneath him in whom he was taking deep pleasure.
I probably would have been wise to slip out of there unannounced, but not only had Devere lied to me, he had betrayed the code of his order as well. "How could you?" I accused, so furious that I ignored my better judgement.
Devere looked up at me, almost as if he had expected the intrusion. "It was easy," he said, not bothering to withdraw from his conquest to speak with me. "I just closed my eyes and thought of you."
That was the last straw. The coolness of his response made me so ashamed of my own intention that I felt ill and quickly returned to my quarters, where I was compelled to empty the contents of my stomach into my bedpan. I praised the Lord, for what I had borne witness to had brought me to my senses and had prevented me from betraying my holy vows. But my heart pained me with such an agony, as I had never felt before, that I wished I had a dagger in order to cut it from the body it had nearly betrayed.
I had not cried since I was a small child who knew no better than to desire the mundane pleasures of this world, and I despised Devere for my regression. I prayed to G.o.d to be merciful and deliver me from this man"s company. My prayers and tears only subsided when exhaustion finally relieved me of consciousness.
The next morning there was a pounding on my door-I suspected it was Devere come to fetch me and I dreaded the thought of facing him. I could feel how swollen were my eyes and face, and I could not have been more ashamed and disappointed with myself.
"I am not dressed yet," I snapped. "Please come back later." I splashed my face with water from the washbowl and fished for the cotton drying cloth.
"My Lady du Lac. It is I, Sir Christian Molier. Are you unharmed?"
My heart shot into my throat. I should have been relieved at this turn of events, and I was, and yet all I could think about was Devere. What would become of him if he was captured? Had they caught him?
"Yes, my lord." I hurried to dress myself and answer the door.
"Is Devere in there with you?" he queried.
I unlatched the door and opened it. "No, my lord. I believe Sir Devere had plans that necessitated the taking of his own quarters last night."
"Then I must be doubly grateful to find you safe and unharmed." The French knight bowed to me dutifully. "The innkeeper has told us that Devere took the room next door, and yet he no longer seems to be there." Molier suddenly hauled me into the corridor, and his men stormed in to search my quarters.
"Will you not accept my word?" I took offence at being startled and manhandled in this way.
"A thousand apologies, my lady." Molier let me go and explained himself. "I feared the rogue might be holding you hostage."
Obviously, the search of my room failed to produce Devere and I breathed easier when Molier seemed to lose interest in pursuing him. "Are you still in possession of your sacred charge?" he queried. Although I was inclined to, I thought better of telling Molier the truth for fear that it would give him an incentive to pursue Devere. The prophecy that I would be the death of Devere added force to my decision to lie. "Yes, I still have it."
When Molier had his answer he wasted no time in getting me to the ship he"d acquired for the purpose of sailing down the coast to St Jean d"Acre in the Kingdom of Jerusalem.
That is where I now find myself, on the final leg of my journey to Outremer. At St Jean d"Acre, Molier informs me, we shall find all we need to begin our inland journey into the Sinai.
I don"t know what I shall do about the lie I told Molier on Devere"s behalf, but even now I feel my betrayer is keeping pace with our party. Unfortunately, I believe I have not seen the last of Albray Devere, but if he chooses to pursue this quest his death will not be on my conscience.
It seems rather appropriate that this parchment on which I have been recording events since the fall of Montsegur is now coming to an end. A new start is needed, one that complements my new perspective, which is this: never trust or feel for any man in this world more than the G.o.d whom I serve. My beliefs and oath shall never be threatened again...that I do vow.
LESSON 18.
COERCION.
It was five-thirty in the afternoon by the time I had finished reading Lillet"s account and when I noted the hour, I made for the shower to freshen up before my dinner engagement with Molier.
It was plain to see why Albray had not wanted me to read the old doc.u.ment, for it did not exactly paint a sterling picture of his character. I must admit I was a little surprised at the way he had played the holy priestess for sport and I could not help but wonder if he was doing the same to me? Albray had warned that Molier was trying to undermine my regard for my knight and protector, and I hated to admit that a tiny seed of doubt had been planted. And yet, I had seen Albray and Lillet together in the astral realms. Whatever had transpired between them in life had certainly not affected their deep regard for each other in the afterlife. But perhaps in the afterlife all was automatically forgiven.
As I showered, I cursed my lack of spiritual knowledge and reminded myself that I was only getting half of the story as far as Lillet was concerned. Where was the scroll she had penned after this one? Had she had the opportunity to continue her account? I also cursed that I had still only read three-quarters of Ashlee"s account by this stage, and I had yet to discover if Molier was indeed behind the kidnapping of Lady Susan Devere.
While I dried myself, I resolved to keep my dinner engagement short so that I might continue reading Ashlee"s journal before I retired this evening. I was fast running out of time to unravel the truth behind the Star-Fire Temple locked in the mount beneath me. Tomorrow Andre would return with the white powder I suspected would unlock the ancient shrine. As I had yet to master my psychic skills fully, how could I expect to combat evil forces seeking to misuse the mysterious celestial powers that, according to legend, resided in the temple?
Once dressed, I summoned Albray, as I had promised I would prior to facing Molier. When he arrived, my knight observed me for a moment, appearing a little taken aback.
I"ve never seen you wear a dress before...you look beautiful. His compliment was given rather begrudgingly, and I could tell he was perturbed that the occasion was dinner with Molier. His compliment was given rather begrudgingly, and I could tell he was perturbed that the occasion was dinner with Molier.
Thank you. I ignored his jealous air. I ignored his jealous air. I"m glad you like it. I"m glad you like it. I placed Albray"s stone amongst the belongings in my bag for safekeeping, as I didn"t want to risk carrying the charm into Molier"s presence. Once Albray was summoned he could sense my need of him just as well without it. I placed Albray"s stone amongst the belongings in my bag for safekeeping, as I didn"t want to risk carrying the charm into Molier"s presence. Once Albray was summoned he could sense my need of him just as well without it. I"ll be off to dinner now and I"ll be off to dinner now and I I don"t plan to be late in returning. don"t plan to be late in returning.
You seem distant, Albray noted. Albray noted. You read Lillet"s story? You read Lillet"s story?
The scroll only recorded her movements to where she was sailing with Molier to St Jean d"Acre, I informed him as I retrieved the scroll from my table to return it to Molier. The information seemed to be a blow to Albray. I informed him as I retrieved the scroll from my table to return it to Molier. The information seemed to be a blow to Albray.
That explains your reserve this evening.
You"re imagining it. I smiled to rea.s.sure him. I smiled to rea.s.sure him.
I wish I were.
His persistent argument was starting to get on my nerves. You were wrong about Lillet, okay? She was in love with you. You were wrong about Lillet, okay? She was in love with you.
Don"t tell me that! he protested. he protested.
I rolled my eyes. What did he want me to say? It"s the truth. I"m sure you had your reasons for toying with her emotions as you did It"s the truth. I"m sure you had your reasons for toying with her emotions as you did- I toyed with HER emotions. That IS rich. It was she who toyed with toyed with HER emotions. That IS rich. It was she who toyed with my my heart! heart!
I held a hand up in truce. I don"t want to go into this right now . .. I"m going to be late for my business meeting. don"t want to go into this right now . .. I"m going to be late for my business meeting.
Fine! Albray vented his annoyance. Albray vented his annoyance. Go to Molier. Go to Molier.
I turned and headed for the tent flap.
But it will serve you no better than it did Lillet, or me.
Look! I glanced back at him as I exited. I glanced back at him as I exited. Can I count on you this evening, or not? Can I count on you this evening, or not?
Of course. Saving damsels in distress is my lot, I"m afraid.
I had to leave before I said something I"d regret. And they say women are irrational in love. And they say women are irrational in love.
I heard that, heard that, Albray called after me. Albray called after me.
"Good," I muttered, without looking back.
Don"t mention me in his presence, or the stone, or Ashlee"s journal. He gave me his instructions as an afterthought. He gave me his instructions as an afterthought.
You must think me daft. I reached Molier"s abode and knocked. I reached Molier"s abode and knocked.
I waited for the door to be answered and desperately tried to recall the subject matter of the conversations I had had with Albray, prior to Akbar informing me that my tent was probably bugged. I had surely mentioned Albray"s name-probably Ashlee"s and Molier"s as well. Had I mentioned my relationship to Ashlee? Maybe Molier was not aware that I was a daughter of the blood? Doubtful, or why would he have come? For the opening of the gate, of course-the inscription apparently stipulated only that a woman bearing bread was required to enter first. How many people would translate this to mean a daughter of the Grail bloodline?
Keep an open mind, I reminded myself. Much of what I knew about Molier had come from a two-hundred-year-old journal and a knight who had been dead for eight hundred years! Time to apply my logical, questioning, scientific mind to this conundrum-it had virtually not had a look-in since I"d met Albray. I reminded myself. Much of what I knew about Molier had come from a two-hundred-year-old journal and a knight who had been dead for eight hundred years! Time to apply my logical, questioning, scientific mind to this conundrum-it had virtually not had a look-in since I"d met Albray.
Two hours later, following a very pleasant evening, I stepped back out of the caravan, unharmed and unruffled.
Molier hadn"t broached any of my taboo subjects. He had given me Lillet"s ma.n.u.script to read because it related to the history of the site. Molier"s was the only copy of the scroll in existence, and it had been pa.s.sed down to him through the ages via his ancestors-along with his melatonin disorder. Either Molier was a very cunning liar, or he did not have my tent bugged and Albray was mistaken in his belief that this was the same man who had taken his life. Maybe, in the afterlife, Albray had lost touch with earthly matters?
Well, that was pleasant, Albray commented cynically as I entered my tent. Albray commented cynically as I entered my tent.
Yes, it was, I concurred. I concurred. Sorry if all our industry talk bored you. Sorry if all our industry talk bored you.
Molier was quite the historian and had told numerous stories about many of the sites I"d only dreamed of visiting, both actual and mythological.
Albray was clearly unnerved by how smoothly the evening had progressed. I had to admit that from where I stood there was little actual evidence to support his claims about Molier.
And what did your etheric sight tell you about the man? he queried. he queried. Did you not plainly see how dark his light centres are? Did you not plainly see how dark his light centres are?
I could hardly sit there and go into a trance, could hardly sit there and go into a trance, I argued, trying to avoid admitting that the thought had not occurred to me. I I argued, trying to avoid admitting that the thought had not occurred to me. I think he might have been a bit suspicious. think he might have been a bit suspicious.
Albray did not take the news well. There is no point in having psychic ability if you don"t use it! There is no point in having psychic ability if you don"t use it!
Well, getting mad at me is hardly going to aid your cause. I moved to my desk and switched on the light. I moved to my desk and switched on the light.
My cause! He was now infuriated. He was now infuriated. It"s not my life at stake here. It"s not my life at stake here.
I turned to confront him, aware of the intense anger I projected. I never felt under any threat before I met you, never felt under any threat before I met you, I pointed out, and the look on his face told me that I had cut too deep. Even I realised then that I was sounding like Lillet. I pointed out, and the look on his face told me that I had cut too deep. Even I realised then that I was sounding like Lillet.
Albray"s jaw was clenched and, for a moment, he could not look at me. Do you want to know what I liked so much about Miss Granville? you want to know what I liked so much about Miss Granville? He finally raised his dark eyes to mine. He finally raised his dark eyes to mine. She was always prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt. She was a good friend. She was always prepared to give me the benefit of the doubt. She was a good friend.
My heart sank. I am your friend. I just need am your friend. I just need- He held up a finger to warn me against continuing. Our business this evening seems concluded...so if I may Our business this evening seems concluded...so if I may be dismissed? be dismissed? He motioned to the bag in which the stone was hidden. He motioned to the bag in which the stone was hidden.
I obliged and as he vanished my heart was suddenly mournful that there would be no blissful dreams of love-making this night. "All the more reason to keep reading, I guess."
FROM THE HONEYMOON JOURNAL OF LADY SUSAN DEVERE.
I have been separated from my journal for some time and have not had the opportunity to chronicle the events that occurred after reaching Ma.r.s.eilles with my husband. I shall do so now, and cast my mind back to the frightful time of my abduction.
I recall arriving in the lovely seaport of Ma.r.s.eilles quite late in the day. Lord Devere and I found a rather exclusive and lavish hotel in which to take up residency whilst awaiting word from Mr Devere and our dear sister.
Unbeknownst to me, my lord had arranged a surprise for the following day, and over breakfast in the dining room he announced as much.
I asked him what I"d done to deserve a surprise and he replied, "You married me."
It was moments like this which made it plainly obvious to me what a sound life decision that had been.
After breakfast we strolled down to the huge seaside marina where locals and guests alike were taking their leisure on the water in all manner and size of craft. The sun was shining, the breeze had a warm edge and there was hardly a cloud in the sky.