"If I didn"t believe you were, I"d be strongly tempted to play heavyhanded leader and forbid your going. I presume that if your mind finds its gestalt solution in the middle of the night, you will stay with us instead?"
"Yes-but I don"t think it will."
Tailler sighed. "Probably not. Some rest-day this is going to be. At least stay out of Bias"s way today and let me tell him tomorrow. Otherwise, we"ll get nothing done."
When she answered the summons early the next morning, Zebara"s escort hardly rea.s.sured her. Uniformed, armed-at least she a.s.sumed the bulging black leather at his hip meant a weapon-stern-faced, he checked her ident.i.ty cards before leading her to a chunky conveyance almost as large as the medical center"s utility van. Inside, it was upholstered in a fabric Lunzie had never seen, something smooth and tan. She ran her fingers over it, unable to decide what it was, and wishing that the broad seat were not quite so large. Across from her, the escort managed to suggest decadent lounging while sitting upright. The driver in the front compartment was only a dark blur through tinted plex.
"It"s leather," he said, when she continued to stroke the seat.
"Leather?" She should know the word, but it escaped her. She saw by the smirk on the man"s face that he expected to shock her.
"Muskie hide," he said. "Tans well. Strong and smooth. We use a lot of it."
Lunzie had her face well under control. She was not about to give him the satisfaction of knowing that she was disgusted.
"I thought they were hairy," she said. "More like fur."
His face changed slightly; a glimmer of respect came into the cold blue eyes.
"The underfiir"s sometimes used, but it"s not considered high quality. The tanning process removes the hair."
"Mmm." Lunzie made herself touch the seat again, though she wished she didn"t have to sit on it. "Is it all this color? Can it be dyed?"
Contempt had given way now to real respect. His voice relaxed as he became informative.
"Most of it"s easily tanned this color; some is naturally black. It"s commonly dyed for clothing. But if you dye upholstery, it"s likely to come off on the person sitting on it."
"Clothing? I"d think it would be uncomfortable, compared to cloth." Lunzie gave herself points for the unconcerned tone of voice, the casual glance out the tinted window.
"No, ma"am. As boots, now," and he indicated his own shining boots. "They"re hard to keep polished, but they don"t make your feet sweat as bad."
Lunzie thought of the way her feet felt in the special padded boots she wore most of the day. By evening, it was as if she stood in a puddle. Of course it was barbaric, wearing the skins of dead sentient creatures. But if you were going to eat them, you might as well use tfie rest of them, she supposed.
"Less frostbite," the man was saying now, still extolling the virtues of "leather" over the usual synthetic materials.
Outside the vehicle, an icy wind buffeted them with chunks of ice. Lunzie could see little through the windows; the dim shapes of unfamiliar buildings, none very tall. Little vehicular traffic: in feet, little sign of anyone ebe on the streets. Lunzie presumed that most people used the underground walkways and slideways she and Zebara had used their two previous meetings.
"The ride takes more than an hour," the escort said. "You might as well relax." He was smirking again, though not quite so offensively as before.
Lunzie wracked her brain to think of some harmless topic of conversation. Nothing was harmless with a heavyworlder. But surely it couldn"t hurt to ask his name.
"I"m sorry," she began politely, "but I don"t know what your insignia means, nor what your name is."
The smirk turned wolfish. "I doubt you"d really want to know. But my rank would translate in your Fleet to major. I"m not at liberty to disclose my name."
So much for that. Lunzie did not miss the significance of "your Fleet." She did not want to think what "not at liberty to disclose my name" might mean.
Did Zebara not trust her, after all? Or was he planning to turn her over to another branch of his organization and wanted to keep himself in the clear?
Time pa.s.sed, marked off only by the slithering and crunching of the vehicle"s wheels on icy roadway.
"The Director said he knew you many years ago. Is that true?" There could be no harm in answering a question to which so many knew the answer.
"Yes, over forty years ago."
"A long time. Many things have changed here in forty years."
"I"m sure of it," Lunzie said.
"I was not yet born when the Director knew you." The escort said that as if his own birth had been the most significant change in those decades. Lunzie stifled a snort of amus.e.m.e.nt. If he still thought he was that important, he wouldn"t have much humor. "I have been in his department for only eight years." Pride showed there, too, and a touch of something that might have been affection. "He is a remarkable man, the Director. Worthy of great loyalty."
Lunzie said nothing; it didn"t seem needed.
"We need men like him at the top. It saddens me that he has lost strength this past year. He will not say, but I have heard that the doctors are telling him the snow is falling." The man stared at her, obviously hoping she knew more, and would tell it. She fixed on the figure of speech.
"Snow is falling? Is this how you say sickness?"
"It is how we say death is coming. You should know that. You saw Bitter Destiny."
Now she remembered. The phrase had been repeated in more than one aria, but with the same melodic line. So it had come to be a cultural standard, had it?
"You are doing medical research on the physiological response of our people to longterm coldsleep, I understand. Hasn"t someone told you what our people call coldsleep, how they think of it?"
This was professional ground, on which she could stand firmly and calmly.
"No, and I"ve asked. They avoid it. After the opera, I wondered if they a.s.sociated coldsleep with that tragedy. It"s one of the things I wanted to ask Zebara. He said we would talk about it today."
"Ah. Well, perhaps I should let him tell you. But as you might expect, death by cold is both the most degrading and the most honorable of deaths we know: degrading because our people were forced into it. It is the symbol of our political weakness. And honorable because so many chose it to save others. To compel another to die of cold or starvation is the worst of crimes, worse than any torture. But to voluntarily take the White Way, the walk into snow, is the best of deaths, an affirmation of the values that enabled us to survive." The man paused, ran a finger around his collar as if to loosen it, and went on. "Thus coldsleep is for us a peculiar parody of our fears and hopes. It is the little cold death. If prolonged, as I understand you have endured, it is the death of the past, the loss of friends and family as if in actual death-except that you are ahVe to know it. But it also cheats the long death of winter. It is like being the seed of a chranghal-one of our plants that springs first from the ground after a Long Winter. Asleep, not dreaming, almost dead! And then awake again, fresh and green.
"When our people travel, and know they will be placed in coldsleep, they undergo the rituals for the dying and carry with them the three fruits we all eat to celebrate spring and rebirth."
"But your death rate in coldsleep, for anything beyond a couple of months, is much higher than normal," said Lunzie. "And the lifespan after tends to be shorter."
"True. Perhaps you are finding out why, in physical terms. I think myself that those who consent to prolonged coldsleep have consented to death itself. They are reliving that first sacrifice and, even if they live, are less committed to life. After all, with our generally shorter lifespans, we would outlive our friends sooner than you. And you, the Director has told me, did not find it easy to pick up your life decades later."
"No."
Lunzie looked down, then out the blurred windows, thinking of that first black despair when she realized that Fiona was grown and gone, that she would never see her child as a child again. And each time it had been a shock, to find people aged whom she"d known in their youth. To find a great-great-great-granddaughter older than she herself.
He was silent after that. They rode the rest of the way without speaking, but without hostility. Zebara"s place, when they finally arrived and drove into the sheltered entrance, was a low mound of heavy dark granite, like a cross between a fortress and a lair.
Zebara met her as she stepped out, said a cool "Thank you, Major," to the escort, and led her through a double-gla.s.s door into a circular hall beneath a low dome. Its floor was of some amber-colored stone, veined with browns and reds; the dome gleamed, dull bronze, from lights recessed around the rim. All around, between the four arching doorways, were stone benches against the curving walls. In the center two steps led down to a firepit in which flames flickered, burning cleanly with little smoke.
She fallowed Zebara down the steps, and at his gesture sat on the lowest padded seat; she could feel the heat of that small fire. He reached under the seat on his side, and brought out a translucent bead.
"Incense," he said, before he put it on the fire. "Be welcome to our hall, Lunzie. Peace, health, prosperity to you, and to the children of your children."
It was so formal, so strange, that she had no idea what to say, and instead bowed her head a moment. When she looked up, a circle of heavyworlders enclosed her, on the floor of the hall above. Zebara raised his voice.
"My children and their children. You are known to them, Lunzie, and they are known to you."
They were a stolid, lumpish group to look at, Zebara"s sons and their wives, the grandchildren, even the youngest, broad as wrestlers. She wondered which was the little boy who had interrupted his meeting. How long ago had that been? But she could not guess.
He was introducing them now. Each bowed from the waist, without speaking, and Lunzie nodded, murmuring a greeting. Then Zebara waved them away and they trooped off through one of the arched doorways.
"Family quarters that way," he said. "Sleeping rooms, nurseries, schoolrooms for the children."
"Schoolrooms? You don"t have public schooling?"
"We do, but not for those this far out. And anyone with enough children in the household can hire a tutor and have them schooled. It saves tax money for those who can"t afford private tutors. You met only the older children. There are fifty here altogether."
Lunzie found the thought disturbing, another proof that the heavyworlder culture diverged from FSP pol-icy. She had known there was overcrowding and uncontrolled breeding. But Zebara had always seemed so civilized.
Now, as he took her arm to guide her up the steps from the firepit and across the echoing hall to a door, she felt she did not know him at all. He was wearing neither the ominous black uniform nor the workaday coverall she had seen on most of the citizens. A long loose robe, so dark she could not tell its color in the dimly lit pa.s.sage, low boots embroidered with bright patterns along the sides. He looked as ma.s.sive as ever, but also comfortable, completely at ease.
"In here," he said at last, and ushered her into another, smaller, circular room. "This is my private study."
Lunzie took the low, thickly cushioned seat he of-fared, and looked around. Curved shelving lined the walls; cube files, film files, old-fashioned books, stacks of paper. There were a few ornaments: a graceful swirl of what looked like blue-green gla.s.s, stiff human figures in brown pottery, an amateurish but very bright painting, a lopsided lump that could only be a favorite child"s or grandchild"s first attempt at a craft. A large flatscreen monitor, control panels. Above was another of the shallow domes, this one lined with what looked like one sheet of white ceramic. The low couch she sat on was upholstered with a nubbly cloth. She was absurdly glad to be sure it was not leather. Fluffy pillows had been piled, making it comfortable for her shorter legs.
Zebara had seated himself across from her, behind a broad curving desk. He touched some control on it and the desk sank down to knee height, becoming less a barrier and more a convenience. Another touch, and the room lights brightened, their reflection from the dome a clear unshadowed radiance like daylight.
"It"s... lovely," said Lunzie.
She could not think of anything else. Zebara gave her a surprisingly sweet smile, touched with sadness.
"Did your team give you trouble about visiting me?"
"Yes." She told him about Bias and found herself almost resenting Zebara"s obvious amus.e.m.e.nt. "He"s just trying to be conscientious," she finished up. She felt she had to make Bias sound reasonable, although she didn"t think he was.
"He"s being an idiot," Zebara said. "You are not a silly adolescent with a crush on some muscular stud. You"re a grown woman."
"Yes, but, in a way, he"s right, you know. I"m not sure myself that my encounters with coldsleep have left me completely... rational." She wondered whether to use any of what the young officer had told her, and decided to venture it. "It"s like dying, and being born, only not a real start-everything over birth. Leftovers from the past life keep showing up. Like missing my daughter... I told you about that, before. Like discovering Sa.s.sinak. People say "Get on with your life, just put it behind you." And it is behind me, impossibly past. But it"s also right there with me. Consequences that most people don"t live to see, don"t have to worry about."
"Ah. Just what I wanted to talk to you about. For I will take the long walk soon, die the death that has no waking, and it occurs to me that for you my younger self-the self you knew-is still alive. Still young. That self no one here remembers as clearly as you do. Tell me, Lunzie, will this self," and he thumped himself on the chest, "destroy in your memory the self I was? The self you knew?"
She shook her head. "If I only squint a little, I can see you as you were. It"s hard to believe, even now, that you... I"m sorry..."
"No. That"s all right. I understand, and this is what I wanted." He was breathing a little faster, as if he"d been working hard, but he didn"t look distressed, only excited. "Lunzie, it is a sentimental thing, a foolish wish, and I do not like myself for revealing it. For having it. But I know how fast memories fade. I had thought, all these years, that I remembered you perfectly. The reality of you showed me I had not. I had forgotten that fleck of gold in your right eye, and the way you crook that finger." He pointed, and Lunzie looked down, surprised to see a gesture she had never noticed. "So I know I will be forgotten-myself, my present self-as my younger self has already been forgotten. This happens to all, I know. But... but you, you hold my younger self in your mind, and you will live... what? Another century, perhaps? Then I will be only a name to my great-grandchildren, and all the stories will be gone. Except with you."
"Are you... are you asking me to remember you? Because you must know I will."
"Yes... but more, too. I"m asking you to remember me as I was, the young heavyworlder you trusted, the younger man you loved, however briefly and lightly. I"m asking you to hold that memory brightly in mind whenever you consider my people. Coldsleep has a Special meaning for our people."
"I know. The escort you sent was telling me."
Zebara"s eyebrows rose, then he shook his head. "I shouldn"t be surprised. You"re a very easy person to talk to. But if anyone had asked me whether Major Hessik would discuss such things with a lightweight, I"d have said never."
"I had to do something to get away from the subject of leather," said Lunzie, wrinkling her nose. "And from there, somehow..."
She went on to tell him what Hessik had explained. Zebara listened without interrupting.
"That"s right," he said, when she finished. "A symbolic death and rebirth, which you have endured several times now. And which 1 ask you to endure once more, for me and my people."
The absolute no she had meant to utter stuck in her throat.
"I... never liked it," she said, wondering if it sounded as ridiculous to him as it did to her.
"Of course not. Lunzie, I brought you here today for several reasons. First, I want to remember you... and have you remember me... as I near my own death. I want to relive that short happy time we shared, through your memories. That"s indulgence, an old man"s indulgence. Second, I want to talk to you about my people, their history, their customs, in the hope that you can feel some sympathy for us and our dilemma. That you will speak for us where you can do so honestly. I"m not asking you to forget or forgive criminal acts. You could not do it and I would not ask. But not all are guilty, as you know. And finally, I must give you what we talked of before, if you are willing to carry it."
He sat hunched slightly forward, the dark soft robe hiding his hands. Lunzie said nothing for a moment, trying to compare his aged face, with all the ugly marks of a hard life in high G, to the younger man"s blunt but healthy features. She had done that before. She would do it, she thought, even after he died, trying to reconcile what he had lost in those forty-odd years with her own losses.
He sighed, smiled at her, and said, "May I sit with you? It is not... what you might think."
Even as she nodded, she felt a slight revulsion. As a doctor, she knew she should not. That age did not change feelings. But his age changed her feelings, even as a similar lapse had changed Tee"s feelings for her. What she and Zebara had shared, of danger and pa.s.sion, no longer existed. With that awareness, her feelings about Tee changed from resignation to real understanding. How it must have hurt him, too, to have to admit that he had changed. And now Zebara.
He sat beside her, and reached for her hands. What must it be like for him, seeing her still young, feeling her strength, to know his own was running out, water from a cracked jug?
"The evidence you would believe, about our people"s history," he began, "is far too great to take in quickly. You will either trust me, or not, when I say that it is there, incontrovertible. Those who sent the first colonists knew of the Long Winters that come at intervals: knew, and did not tell the colonists. We do not know all their reasons. Perhaps they thought that two years would be enough time to establish adequate food stores to survive. Perhaps those who made the decision didn"t believe how bad it would be. I like to think they intended no worse than inconvenience. But what is known is that when our colony called for help, no help came."
"Was the call received?"
"Yes. No FTL communications existed in those days, you may recall. So when the winter did not abate and it became obvious it would not, the colonists realized that even an answered call might come too late. They expected nothing soon. But there was supposed to be a transfer pod only two light months out, with an FTL pod pre-programmed for the nearest Fleet sector headquarters. That"s how emergency calls went out: sublight to the transfer point, which launched the pod, and the pod carried only a standard message, plus its originating transfer code."
Lunzie wrinkled her nose, trying to think when they might have expected an answer. "Two months, then. How long to the Fleet headquarters?"
"Should have been perhaps four months in all. An FTL response, a rescue attempt, could have been back within another two or three. Certainly within twelve Standard months, allowing decel and maneuvering time on both ends. The colonists would have had a hard time lasting that long. They"d have to eat all their seed grain and supplies. But most of them would have made it. instead," and he sighed again, spreading his big gnarled hands.
"I can"t believe Fleet ignored a signal like that." Unless someone intercepted it, Lunzie thought suddenly. Someone within Fleet who for some reason wanted the colony to fail.
"It didn"t!" Zebara gave her hands a squeeze, then stood, the robe swirling around him. "Let me fix you something. I"m thirsty a lot these days." He waved at the selection revealed behind one panel of his desk. "Fruit juices? Peppers?"
"Juice, please." Lunzie watched as he poured two gla.s.ses, and gave her the choice of them. Did he really think she worried about him drugging her? And if he did, should she be worried? But she sipped, finding nothing but the pleasant tang of juice as he settled beside her once more.
He took a long swallow, then went on. "It was not Fleet, as near as we can tell. At least, not they that ignored an emergency pod. There was no emergency pod."
"What!"
"We did find, buried in the file, the notation that the expense of an FTL emergency pod was not justified since Diplo was no more than twelve Standard light months from a major communications nexus which could pa.s.s on any necessary material. Colonists had wasted, the report said, such expensive resources before on minor matters that required no response. If colonists could not take care of themselves for twelve months, and I can just hear some desk-bound bureaucrat sniff at this point, they hardly qualified as colonists." He took another swallow. "You see what this means."
"Of course. The message didn"t arrive somewhere useful in four months. It arrived at a commercial telecom station in twelve months by which time the colonists were expecting a rescue mission."
"And from there," Zebara said, "it was... re-routed. It never reached Fleet."
"But that"s..."
"It was already embarra.s.sing. The contract under which the colonists signed on specified the placement of the emergency pod. When that message arrived at the station, it was proof that no pod had been provided. And twelve months already? Suppose they had sent a mission then. What would they have found? From this point we have no direct proof, but we expect that someone made the decision to deepsix the whole file. To wait until the next scheduled delivery of factory parts, which was another two standard years, by which time they expected to find everyone dead. So sad, but this happens to colonies. It"s a dangerous business!"
Lunzie felt cold all over, then a white-hot rage. "It"s... it"s murder. Intentional murder!"