By asking questions that lead a guy to talk about his interests or pa.s.sions, you"ve accomplished two things. You open up the conversation so he can ask similar questions of you and in turn get to know you as well. It also creates a chance for him to experience a rush of positive feelings, which he"ll then a.s.sociate with talking to you. Connection occurs because he begins to see you as someone who brings out different parts of him. He feels as if he"s shared something personal with you that he probably doesn"t even share with his friends.
And by the way, if these questions feel like they are coming out of the blue, just say, "A friend asked me an interesting question the other day." Your "friend," whether she exists or not, is one of your best wingwomen when it comes to making conversations.
How to see if he shares your values During the first conversation you have with a guy, your primary task is see if you have any chemistry. Is there that spark that encourages you to get to know him better? Do you want to reveal more of yourself to him? The presence of this spark requires more than someone who pushes your b.u.t.tons s.e.xually; you also find him exciting upon discovering he shares your values.
Let"s say one of your requirements for a boyfriend is that he share your love of adventure. Maybe you love to travel and visit exotic locations, or maybe you"re a thrill seeker and want to visit strange and even dangerous places. In that case, you"re going to need someone adventurous.
During that first conversation, dive in. Ask, "If you could wake up anywhere in the world tomorrow, where would it be?" Or, "If you could drop everything and hop on a plane, where would you go?"
Most women would wait until the first date (or even second or third) to discover whether the guy shared her love of travel and adventure. But why wait? If we are not using conversation to dig and see if there"s connection, we are wasting our time.
Other Ways to Make the Conversation Great So now that you are a good conversationalist, there"s one pretty big problem: any constructive conversation requires two people, and chances are good that the guy is still stuck in the small-talk rut.
There is one surefire principle that every good conversationalist knows: obvious questions don"t require obvious answers.
What have you been up to? Where are you from? What do you do for a living? Just because a lot of the guys you meet resort to these conversation-killing questions doesn"t mean you have to give the obvious answers.
Let"s say a guy asks how your day was, you could either respond the way everyone else does, "Good, thanks." Or you can turn the question on its ear and in doing so send the conversation into a more interesting direction.
Build intrigue: "I feel great," you might say. "I solved a big problem today so I"m in a good mood." (He"s going to want to know what the problem you solved was.) Pose a more interesting question: "I"ve been consumed with a question my friend asked me. Would you rather your partner sleep with someone else, or fall in love with someone else? What do you think?" (Wow, what does he think?) Get mock-serious: "I feel amazing. I"ve got this new iPhone and it"s completely changed my whole life. I"m 50 percent more trendy. But I need more apps so I can look cool. What"s the best one to download?"
Tease him: "I"m awesome. I"ve just been telling my friend how this new shampoo has made my hair softer than ever. Everyone keeps asking me what my secret is." Then if he tries to feel your hair, withdraw quickly and jokingly say, "No! You"re not allowed to touch it." Alternatively, let him touch it and say, "That"ll be ten dollars."
We can"t control what other people say, but we can always control our responses to them. You can turn the most overused question of all time (What have you been up to?) into any kind of conversation you"d like to have. You don"t even have to mention your day at all. You could just say, "I"ve been really excited for the last two weeks-I"m going to Africa next month," which allows you to talk about something that both excites you and conveys that you"re a woman with an interesting life. The boring stuff that goes on in our regular day just doesn"t matter.
People only ever ask each other, "How was your day?" because they can"t think of anything else to say. Apart from our mothers and our best friends, no one gives the slightest c.r.a.p what happened in our day, especially when they meet us for the first time.
Get the Date I"m not a fan of the formal date. The traditional dinner-and-a-movie is rigid and uninspired, not to mention agonizing. The two of you are forced to sit across from each other and eat without spilling anything on yourselves or letting the conversation flag.
We need a looser interpretation of the word "date." I suggest we all start thinking of it as a meet-up instead. A meet-up can be as casual or as formal as we want. Unlike a date, a meet-up doesn"t have to last an entire evening. A good meet-up can be as short as thirty minutes.
You could have a meet-up for Sunday brunch, or just trying the ice cream in that cute place that"s opened near where you work. It could be bringing him along to something you"re doing with friends: "I"m going to this picnic/music gig/comedy event/zoo. You should come!"
When we think of dating in more informal terms, it removes the pressure of arranging a date. If you"re now creating s.e.xual tension, chemistry, and connection in your conversations, the transition to a date will become a natural part of the connection.
Suppose you"re at a get-together chatting with a guy and it"s going great, and your friend comes up and says, "We"re leaving now. Come on, let"s go." You want to make sure you get this guy"s phone number before you are dragged off and lose the opportunity, but now you"re in the awkward position of having to ask for his number straight out. So what can you do to make it easier?
Sowing the seeds of a meet-up Generally, you know pretty quickly during an exchange with a guy whether you"d like to spend more time with him. There"s always the chance that something might happen further along in the conversation to turn you off, but the best way to clear the way for the date is to plant the idea early in the interaction. This makes the eventual exchange of numbers easier because now you have a reason to ask for his information.
You"re not actually asking for a date, you"re just floating the idea of a meet-up, usually in a half-serious, playful manner.
YOU: "All the guys I know keep telling me to see [insert t.i.tle of popular guy movie here] but I haven"t seen it yet. Is it really that good?" (Bonus points here for displaying your interest in a movie that appeals to him.) THE GUY: "No, I haven"t, but I want to."
YOU: "We might be the only people left on planet earth who haven"t seen it yet! We should go!"
THE GUY: "Sounds like an idea."
YOU: "But wait, are you a popcorn- or ice-cream-at-the-movies sort of person?" (Giving him a test.) THE GUY: "Gotta have popcorn at the movies. With b.u.t.ter."
YOU: "Okay, you can come! If you said ice cream I"d have to uninvite you." (He pa.s.sed!) Then, just leave it at that. You haven"t made specific plans, but you"ve seeded the idea of going on a date, and also created more excitement and connection by testing him.
Even though you"re being playful, what it communicates to the guy is that while you"ve suggested meeting up, he hasn"t got you yet. It"s irrational, but his brain still registers that he has had that test to pa.s.s. This way, you"re the one bringing up the idea of meeting up, yet it"s still going to be a challenge for him.
One step forward, one step back This next bit of advice is going to feel a little difficult to pull off. You"ll suddenly get nervous and think, This guy seems great-I don"t want to scare him off. This is what most of us do when we feel attracted to someone. We want to be accommodating and nice, and clear every obstacle along the way to a potential relationship. We feel that if we"re challenging in any way, we might blow it. But it"s precisely these little challenges that convey to a guy that you"re a high-value woman worth pursuing. He"s going to find you intriguing because you have standards. This is where we pull all of the pieces together.
I want to step back for a moment. When I first started my business I would rush to take any gig. I made myself available at all times. Slowly, my schedule started to become full, and I simply couldn"t accept every job that came my way, or I would have to make the new client wait until I could fit them into my schedule. Without understanding what I was doing, I was creating value for my time and services. Once I stopped saying yes to everything, my value increased and demand for my time grew. Not being too available actually increased demand and respect for my time.
In relationships, simply not being available at every moment places value on your time. Let him know that you are available, but not at any moment. You may like this guy a lot, but don"t go out of your way to be available to him. I am not talking about playing hard-to-get or playing mind games. Since you have high standards, you want to make sure that he understands that although you are giving him your number you aren"t going to automatically be available to him whenever he calls.
Anytime you take the initiative with a guy, it"s also effective to pull back a bit. You"re being slightly forward, then inviting him to do more. You are letting him have your number, but you are also telling him that you"re high value and that it"s still possible that he could blow it. You can say something playfully arrogant like "Okay, here"s my number, but no calling me day and night telling me you miss me." Alternatively, you can say, "If we get along over the phone we can hang out sometime." This shows he"s got more convincing to do over the phone and makes him feel he has to earn the right to spend time with you.
Seeding the idea of a date makes the moment of actual number swapping less harrowing. You"ve already established something you both want to do. When it comes time to part, you can easily say something like "Hey, I"ve got to go. Let me give you my number and we"ll hit that film festival some time." Or, "I have to get back to my friends. I shouldn"t even be talking to you, we"re supposed to be having a girls" night out, but take my number and maybe we can do something sometime."
Notice, the word "date" is never mentioned. You"re just meeting up. However, during the conversation you"ll have built up enough chemistry and s.e.xual tension so he"ll understand that it"s not just going to be two buddies hanging out. Now the ball is in his court, but it makes it so simple for him. You already have the first date arranged.
What you"re conveying is: I"m a busy person, but you seem fun, so let me grab your number and when we get time we"ll do something. If he"s the one who"s taking off, then my advice would be to wait for him to ask for your number. But if you sense he"s being too shy, give him your number and say to him, "Text me your number and I"ll let you know when I"m going to that film festival."
Your tone here is casual and matter-of-fact. It works because you say it as though you were going to the festival whether he"s interested or not. This is also a great frame of mind to have when you arrange a date. He is welcome to join you in your fabulous life, but you"re going on with or without him.
8.
The Joy of Text Once you"ve traded numbers, let the texting begin!
While I"m loose about what defines a date, I"m pretty strict about texting. It"s one of those things that, just because we can do it, that doesn"t mean we should do it. Or rather, we should take care to do it with restraint.
Whether you"ve just met or have been dating for months, texts should only ever be used for two things: entertainment and logistics.
Logistics are pretty self-explanatory. You"re running late; the cafe where you were going to meet is closed on Sunday; the president"s in town and the street is cordoned off; the house is on fire and you have to reschedule-these are excellent reasons to pop out a text.
The other reason you should text is to create intrigue, interest, and value. Your texts should be cheeky, flirty, and fun. They should display your wit and humor, or even just bait the guy.
For example, you can message a guy saying, "I was watching a film and just realized, you really remind me of Bruce Willis . . . xo." But don"t tell him why. When he asks why-and he will-toss out a little detail they share, like they raise their eyebrow the same way, or have an intense stare, or they both look like the kind of guy who would wear a vest, or they are both cool under pressure.
Your aim is to be either slightly complimentary or ambiguous. If it"s complimentary, don"t make it overly complimentary (e.g., "because you"re both so s.e.xy"). But don"t make it insulting either. The best way is to make it a tongue-in-cheek compliment.
Or, send a teasing text, which is the equivalent of giving a guy a shoulder nudge. It"s enough to get his attention, but in a way that makes him want to push back a little. After a date, you might text something like this: "I just thought you should know, I saw a lot of Whitney Houston on your iPod last night. Should I be concerned? . . . xo." Or play it the other way, and mention something that you like: "I"ve never seen a man with so much "80s music on his iPod. Seriously impressed . . . xo." This one works great because he feels like he"s pa.s.sed a test he didn"t know he was taking.
Texts are squibs of communication meant to spike his interest, not vehicles for endless small talk or a subst.i.tute for genuine conversation. The trick with texting is to be sparing but effective. There"s no room for long essays and catching up on everything that"s going on. Save that conversation for when you see him in person.
Texting a guy back and forth for hours might make you feel like you"re building rapport, but this is deceptive. If you get too intimate and confessional over texting (no drunk texting!), the next time you meet up again your interaction may feel awkward because now you"ll have a connection and intimacy in your text relationship that you don"t possess in real life.
The Text You Never Want to Send In the same way our conversations can boring, so can people"s autopilot text conversation. One of the worst texts to send anyone is "I"m so bored. What u been up to? xo."
This text is a downer. It says to a guy that you"re bored, and therefore in need of entertainment. It also gives him no opportunity to be playful, to flirt, to tease, or to say something cheeky.
When a guy receives a text from you, he should feel a little spike of emotion. Now, that emotion might just be amus.e.m.e.nt at something funny you said, or it might be intrigue, or he might smile because it was a little flirtatious, anything other than going through routine stuff like having to write about his day on a text message. If you"re stumped, just ask for an opinion. Say "My friends are I are going to watch a horror film tonight, but I never watch scary films. Any recommendations?"
The Text That Gets Him to Ask You Out What if you met a guy and had a terrific conversation, you"ve exchanged numbers, but a few days have pa.s.sed and you haven"t heard from him?
The reason could be that he"s lost interest, but never a.s.sume. It might be that he"s genuinely in the weeds at work and can"t think about his love life this week.
But if the trail seems to have gone cold, you could write the guy off and put your interaction behind you, but there is a text you can send that will allow you to be certain.
Send this text around 9 p.m. Why so specific? Because you already need to be out for the night, at a party, pub, concert, art opening, bowling tournament. You want to send it when it"s a little bit too late for him to actually come and meet up with you; the whole point is that the hour is unreasonable. And then you send him this: "I"m down at the Jazz Bar. The music"s amazing, you should come!"
You tell him where you are and why it"s great, and end by saying, "You should come."
"You should come!" is a hugely confident line. It shows your level of certainty. The point of the clarifier text is to give him a chance to do something. It puts the ball entirely in his court. You are telling him that you are already out and having a good time with people, so the text doesn"t sound desperate. But you are also telling him that it would be cool if he were there with you.
But, here"s the thing: You don"t actually expect him to show up. That"s why you ask it when it"s quite late, as though it"s an afterthought. Why? Because then, if he can"t come but he still wants to see you, he"ll text you back offering a countersuggestion to meet up another time. Or, if by chance he does decide to come, you are already out and he can just join you. You win either way. And if he isn"t interested at all, then you don"t lose anything anyway. You"re in the same position as before, and you haven"t put yourself on the line by asking him out on a date.
Only send this text when you are actually out somewhere. Don"t be sitting in the bathtub expecting him not to show up! If he likes you, there is a chance he might come.
Make a Statement Often when texting it"s much more powerful to use a statement than a question. If you text a guy saying, "We"re all going to that new restaurant in town later tonight. Come to dinner!" it communicates a level of confidence and certainty that guys aren"t used to hearing from a woman. It"s a way of saying, "I"m going to this cool place with cool people, and you should come join us." If he likes you, all he has to do is say yes. And if he can"t make it that night, he"ll just reschedule for another time, in which case you"ve got him arranging the date. It"s perfect because it makes things so elegant.
When you use a confident statement like "You should come join us," it takes choice out of the equation. It removes the entire ordeal of debating about when and where you"re going to meet, and trying to see how your schedules fit for the next week. If I ask, "Do you want to go on a date next week?" there are suddenly a lot of variables that need to be addressed: Do you want to? If you do, are you available? If so, when are you available? What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? It starts to seem like a lot of work. But when you tell a guy where you are, what you"re doing, and that he should just come, he can focus on the fun he"s going to have when he meets up with you.
AVOID THIS TEXT MESSAGE AT ALL COSTS.
While we are on the subject of text messages, in this clip I discuss both the ideal text to send to a guy you like and an awful text that will kill attraction faster than socks in sandals.
Go to www.gettheguybook.com/text Access code: gtgbook
9.
A Word About Online Dating I am often asked questions about online dating. While I am a proponent of the flesh-and-blood connection first and foremost, I can"t deny the popularity and allure-for some-of the cyberconnection. And while I admit that it is not impossible to find the love of your life online, it does tend to be more difficult.
As you recall from the first chapter of the book, the philosophy of the funnel applies here. I like to think about the Internet as a way of contributing to the first funnel of men you will meet.
Time is our most valuable resource, and when you find guys online you go on a lot more first dates. In fact, you risk creating a love life that consists of only first dates. The reason, of course, is that online dating sites are really only a way to find a list of people interested in dating, accompanied by a few squibs of information that, while interesting, might not really matter in the long run.
The confidence, charisma, and je ne sais quoi that draw us to one person and not another are virtually impossible to demonstrate in a dating profile, even by someone who expresses himself well. The result is that even though you may learn from his profile that he likes kung fu movies, extreme Frisbee, and opera, you still have to meet him to discern whether there"s even a remote possibility of attraction.
The most revolutionary idea in this book is that there are powerful tools for creating attraction and connection no matter what you look like, what you do for a living, or how old you are. Online dating, with its focus on exactly these things, obliterates your chances to use these tools.
Have you ever been attracted to someone who wasn"t your type? Have you ever been uninterested in someone until you sat with them and had a conversation for half an hour, only to realize you were completely captivated by them? Of course you have.
That"s because genuine attraction is a complicated spectrum of the way we move, walk, talk, and gesture; the beliefs we hold and the conviction with which we communicate them; the way our muscles move in our face when we smile; the subtle differences between a look of shyness and a look of playfulness; our reactions to situations and the way we deal with life. All of which cannot possibly be communicated through a profile.
But online dating is here to stay. Now a billion-dollar industry, and the third most popular way people meet (through work and school is most common, followed by an introduction made by a friend or family member), it can be a useful tool, as long as it doesn"t become a crutch. It gives you immediate access to guys no matter where you are, offers a pool of guys who are, ostensibly, single and seeking the same thing you"re seeking, and provides enough information to know whether a guy is a complete write-off. Also, if you do decide to meet one, it affords you something to talk about.
Before You Log On In order to make the most of what online dating has to offer, it helps to approach it with a mindset that will help you accomplish your goals. You don"t want to fall into the trap of spending hours alone online when you could be out in the real world meeting flesh-and-blood men. So, before you put on your fuzzy slippers, grab that cup of hot cocoa, and curl up with your laptop, here are some important things to remember.
Beware the false sense of ease Online dating makes meeting someone new seductively easy. We see someone we like and we can message them instantly, without having to take the personal risk inherent in initiating a face-to-face interaction. All well and good, unless-as is so often the case-e-mailing, texting, and IMing become a subst.i.tute for actually going out and meeting people. Never forget that the end goal is to go on real dates, not sit at home in our pajamas communicating via the Internet. The fantasy of what someone might be like when we talk to them online is meaningless unless we actually progress to the point of meeting them.
It solves only one part of the process To think that the only problem in your love life is that you"re just not meeting people is a fallacy. It"s part of the problem, certainly, but having gathered two dozen profiles of possible guys you"d like to date has nothing to do with the other aspects of finding and getting the guy. Online dating should be used only to set up real dates, to get you face-to-face with Mr. Maybe so you can further practice and hone your other skills.
Resist becoming overly fussy People tend to get very fussy very quickly when poring over online profiles, the fallout from having so many strangers to choose from. The typical end result is that we look for someone to match every single one of our criteria. We stop giving people a chance. At the beginning of this book we talked about the power of throwing the net wide and meeting a lot of men. While reading through profiles might seem like you"re "meeting" a lot of men, all most people do is eliminate people based on the flimsiest of pretenses.
Making it your only method It"s not uncommon for people to feel that if by signing up, they"re being proactive in their love lives. The next step is that they stop going out completely and sit around in their apartment scrolling through profiles. Use online dating as an adjunct; it works best when combined with all of the other methods demonstrated in this book. You never know when you are going to run into someone you are attracted to in real life. Don"t let being online make you miss those chances.
Rejection Make no mistake about it, people are rejected online, just as they are in real life. When it happens, remember that this is completely normal. Not everyone is supposed to want you or even like you. When I first started making videos on YouTube, I would ignore the positive comments and focus solely on the negative ones. It affected me until I realized that it was impossible to avoid. At least 10 percent of people will dislike us no matter what we do. And that will always be the case. It"s okay.
a.s.suming you"re the only one When a guy first signs up on an online dating site, there"s a high probability that he"s talking to a lot of women at the same time. If he is, this is unlikely to change until you in meet in person and decide to move forward. The extent to which guys are leading on multiple women varies between sites, and it"s more likely to happen on free sites, but it will happen, probably to everyone. Don"t take it personally; just establish the boundaries once it gets more serious.
Writing the All-Important Profile Unlike real-life interactions, where moment to moment you"re giving and receiving many clues about a guy you"ve just met, when you"re trying to connect with someone online everything rests on the quality of your profile. (No pressure there!) Below are a few tips for increasing the odds that someone you might want to date finds you.
Don"t try to reinvent the wheel Once you"ve read twenty different profiles you"ll begin to see a pattern. No profile is so unique that it hasn"t been done before; if you do come across one that"s written in the form of a Shakespearian sonnet, you can be pretty confident that the guy is trying too hard. Avoid trying to be too funny, too serious, or too quirky. Just think about what you really want to convey about yourself and figure out a simple way to say it.
Keep it brief As much as most of us love talking about ourselves and our opinions, n.o.body cares that much about someone who"s just popped up on their screen. It"s fascinating to watch someone when they first join an online dating site. The first profile they come upon is read with love and care. They read every word and consider the things that are said. The next profile is given slightly less time. Once the person realizes just how many profiles there are, they start skimming them, and before they know it, they are treating them like advertis.e.m.e.nts in a cheap magazine, barely allowing their eyes to acknowledge the page in front of them.
Great advertisers learn that a good headline and punchy ideas are better than too much explanatory text. When people first see your profile, they"re not buying into the detail, they"re buying into the idea of you. In fact, the more detail you give someone, the more reasons you give them to say no. This is especially the case with men, most of whom are skimmers at best.
This doesn"t mean you should give so little information that they know nothing about you. Aim to strike a balance: provide enough information to give them a good sense of you but keep it short enough so they don"t get distracted by the fifteen other things popping up on Skype, Facebook, Twitter, and their TV at the same time.
Remember, once a guy has a sense of who you are, he"ll fill in the blanks himself. If the first 5 percent of you seems attractive, he will use it to create an attractive image of the other 95 percent he doesn"t know.
Don"t resort to long lists "I"m friendly, open, outgoing, fun, and adventurous . . ."
Who cares? Not me, not you, not anyone else. Why? Because talk is cheap. It"s better to convey who you are either through your actions, your stories, or by talking about what you love and hate than by writing a long list of adjectives. The old adage remains true here: show, don"t tell. Now, it"s hard to show until you meet someone in person, but you can do a much better job of selling your best qualities with the right language. "One of the most important people in the world to me is my little sister. I"d do anything for her" (showing) is much more compelling than "I"m a really loving person" (telling).
"Why" tells him more than "what"
Just as in conversation, it"s more important in your profile to say why you love something than to tell what it is. If you talk about a movie you like, say why you like it. People may not relate to the movie, but they may relate to your reasons. It"s the same with your profession. Someone may not relate to your job, but they may relate to why you like your job.
Rather than spouting facts about yourself, show who you are through your stories and your opinions.
Don"t be preachy In an effort to show enthusiasm, some profile writers lapse into rants. They rail against guys who play games, or how everyone should be a vegan, and in doing so come off as judgmental and inflexible. The best profiles describe in a pa.s.sionate (and often playful) manner the writer"s likes and dislikes about life. Having a sense of humor about yourself, and your opinions, is key.
Also try to avoid including deal breakers. "Not interested in anyone who drives a minivan." You may think you"re being candid about what you don"t want, but he"s only looking at your profile, not marrying you. Keep an open mind.
Don"t be the Everything Girl I"m outdoorsy, but I love dressing up. I"m really girly, but I watch tons of football. I love trashy novels, but I"m also crazy about books on neuroscience. I love all types of music. By trying to appeal to all men, you appeal to no one. Choose your audience and be honest about your likes and dislikes. You cannot relate to everyone.