None of us truly work twenty-four hours a day, and being busy can"t be our excuse forever. We can all think of people in the world who are more successful than we are, busier than we are, with even more demands on their time than ours, who still find time for a relationship. Also, consider this: when our social life-which includes our love life-is nonexistent, the lack of love and connection can poison much of the success we get in other areas of our lives.
My wake-up call came when I took a moment to consider the timeline of my whole life. Visualize the total time you a.s.sume you may have on this earth-let"s say seventy-five years, barring getting hit by a bus or some other unforeseen calamity-and then subtract all the following elements: Time in our life already gone Sleeping hours Working hours Time spent on all those ch.o.r.es we can"t avoid Our end years when we may not be fit enough to do things of our choice It"s an eye-opener. What we have left over is a small percentage of our total time in which to do all the things we really want. How are you using this time? Have you realized yet how scarce and therefore precious this time really is?
The idea of changing your lifestyle to give a higher priority to your love life might seem daunting. Perhaps I"m even trying your patience. First, I asked you to give up on the idea that love is a matter of fate deciding when to drop the right guy in front of your nose, and now it feels like I"m asking you to change your entire lifestyle in the interest of finding Mr. Right.
But think of it this way: Why are we happy to spend ma.s.sive amounts of time working, but flinch at the idea of giving more time to our love life, as though it were unimportant? Do we really think that our love life contributes less to our happiness and fulfillment?
Imagine you were offered the perfect relationship tomorrow. The guy is standing right next to you. He"s everything you want in a man: He"s attractive, kind, warm, intelligent, and ambitious. He cares about your needs, turns you on s.e.xually, and is fun to be around. He shares all of your deepest values and is dedicated to sharing his life with you. If you were offered this perfect relationship with this perfect person, how much time would you be willing to invest in this relationship each week? How much time would you spend with him? How much time would you spend sharing new experiences with him? How much of your average weekend would you spend being intimate and close to him?
I know the answer: a lot.
Would any of us, if made this offer, reply, "Well, I can only commit one hour a week to this relationship at the most, but no more, because I"m just so busy"? We would make time for it, because we know this person is going to make us happy. If we would be willing to invest a lot of time in the perfect relationship, shouldn"t we be willing to invest our time in finding such a person?
It"s always seemed a bit strange to me that we don"t see meeting new people as a priority, yet we prioritize relationships once we are actually in them. We don"t think like this about any other area of our lives. No one says that once she gets rich she is going to focus on working hard. Or once she"s fit and toned she"s going to start going to the gym.
The bottom line is this: if when you find the man of your dreams you are willing to spend so much time with him, doesn"t it make sense to be willing to spend the same amount of time doing things that will lead you to him?
The Secret Is in the Social Life Once you"ve committed to making time, the question becomes, how can you be more proactive? What do you need to change to bring more people into your life? How do you increase the pool of people from which you"ll find that special guy?
It"s a mistake to restrict your social circle to just men; everyone you meet has the potential to introduce you to Mr. Right. You may be thinking that your social life is the one area you"re quite content with; you already have great friends. You wouldn"t be the first one. At my seminars many people approach me at the break and say, "Matt, I don"t need help in this area. I have a great life. I have wonderful friends who care about me and enjoy the same activities I do. My problem is I just don"t meet any good men!"
But this isn"t just about having people you can count on to go out with you for a drink on Sat.u.r.day night; it"s about having a social life that serves your love life.
Where the guys are For a lot of us, our days resemble those of the Bill Murray character in Groundhog Day-a mind-numbing routine of eating the same breakfast, going to work, eating the same lunch, at the same time, at the same place, with the same colleagues every day, then going home to watch the same TV programs, before sleeping in preparation for repeating it all again. If your current lifestyle revolves around sitting on the couch on a Sat.u.r.day night with a gla.s.s of wine and watching reality TV shows, then mastering the best techniques for creating attraction with a guy aren"t going to matter a lot.
Your challenge, then, isn"t just about understanding men, and knowing what to say and how to act or react. To meet more men, you must engage in a lifestyle that brings you into contact with new guys on a regular basis.
The perfect venue for finding men is a myth Where can I find great men? The question is posed to me so often it"s almost as if women believe that there"s a secret place, like Narnia or Neverland, where all the good men reside and where their perfect guy is sitting, waiting for them to stumble through the back of the wardrobe and find him.
There is no perfect place. Guys are everywhere. Yes, it"s important that you choose wisely where you go when you go out, to maximize your opportunities to meet men, but the guys you eyeball at the Sapphire Room on Friday night will only ever represent a tiny proportion of the men you have the chance to meet during the rest of a normal week.
Don"t wait for those occasional opportunities when you go to a party, or your night out with friends once a week. The truth is, Mr. Right does all of the things you do. He does not belong to a different species. Wherever you go, he goes. He is on the train, riding the escalator, shopping in the supermarket, relaxing in the coffee shop, playing sports, watching sports, in line at the movies, or at the cell phone store. He is everywhere.
As I sit here in a coffee shop writing this, I"ve noticed that three attractive women have walked in and ordered coffee. I could easily have been gazing at my computer screen wondering where all the great women are. Just because I didn"t meet these women doesn"t mean that they weren"t there. The opportunities to meet people present themselves more often than we think.
While there is no perfect venue, some venues are better than others. You probably won"t run across Mr. Right while getting your nails done; you have a better chance browsing at the Apple store. The best venue is rich in guys and allows for easy conversation. Your living room couch doesn"t qualify.
One activity that could be made more sociable is the way we exercise. For example, if, when you"re working out at the gym, you"re used to cranking out hours on your own on the treadmill or exercise bike, try signing up for a cla.s.s that"s likely to be heavily male oriented, like kickboxing or martial arts.
This employs the concept of Double Time; without allocating any more time in your schedule, you"ve transformed a formerly solitary activity into one that is rich in guys and makes for easy conversation. Suddenly you"ve developed a ritual that takes no more time from your current schedule (since you would have been working out anyway) and gives you the chance to meet more guys.
Think about other ways you could put yourself in more sociable environments through exploring other interests, whether it"s listening to live music in a jazz bar, taking a cla.s.s in filmmaking, or joining a coed softball team. Do something you"ve always wanted to try but never have, like a wine tasting (or whiskey tasting if you want to make it even more guy heavy). I"m not suggesting you do something you"re not into. Scuba certification courses are always guy heavy, but if you can"t swim and hate the ocean, that isn"t the place for you.
If nothing appeals to you at the moment and it all seems a bit overwhelming, just set up a new ritual of going out with friends two nights each week to places men frequent.
Also, finding guys in the course of your daytime activities is easier and more effective than at night. There is less pressure, and we don"t usually expect a social exchange in the daytime.
Quick Ways to Build a Social Network Having a vibrant circle of friends exponentially expands your chances of meeting new guys. The woman with a half dozen good pals not only has friends to hit the clubs with, or who"ll join her on a river-rafting trip, she also knows six humans who have brothers, cousins, uncles, friends, coworkers, neighbors, and even ex-boyfriends.
To bring new people into your life: Say yes Parties, barbecues, dinners, theater trips-people are always inviting us to events, yet we often say no because we"re too busy, we don"t have the energy, or it"s simply not our thing. Now, it"s time for a new ritual: the one of saying yes.
Say yes to the colleague who invites you out for a drink after work. Say yes to baby showers, Super Bowl parties, and chili cook-offs. Most people are a little intimidated at the thought of going alone to that wedding or that birthday party of a friend of a friend, but from now on, if you"ve been invited, you"re going to say yes. It"s one of the oldest self-help cliches in the world, but to get different results we have to start doing things differently. Saying yes will open up your world and also give you a chance to exercise your social muscles.
Get good at WAR (working a room) Building a social circle doesn"t have to mean we go out every night of the week, but it does means we have to make our social time quality social time; it"s not about the amount of time we have, it"s about the intensity with which we use it. You"ve gone to the trouble of making yourself presentable and getting yourself to the function, so don"t waste the evening by standing around staring at your phone.
What do most people do when they walk into a bar, party, or other social function? Flock to cover like mice. We immediately try to snag a table, or we take up residency in a corner of the room with our friends, or lean against a wall and madly start texting.
Next time you"re tempted to do this, stop. When you enter a place, take it all in. Just stand for a second and take your time. Most people pace around so quickly because they"re nervous. They"re nervous to be in the middle of the room, and they get anxious about standing on their own. They have a difficult time confidently standing there. But just slow it down. Make some eye contact with people in the room. Smile at them and allow everyone to notice you for a second. Don"t try to quickly blend in to your surroundings or run to the shadows of the room.
"Working the room" may conjure up the image of the glad-handing politician trying to get votes, but I promise this has nothing to do with kissing strange babies and everything to do with simply connecting with others.
The secret is to start with frequent, small interactions with lots of different people. It"s not about the length of the interaction, but the number.
Keep this initial interaction very simple. With some people just smile and say, "How are you doing tonight?" or, if you"re at a friend"s party, "How do you know Stephanie?" If you"re getting a drink, you could just lean toward the guy next to you and ask, "What"s the best c.o.c.ktail on the menu here?" Talk to the bartender, even if you just ask him how he"s doing.
Imagine you"re just bouncing off people as you walk past them. Move through with confidence, keeping the conversation small, but aim to get their names. Before you leave a person, always ask, "What was your name again?" Make sure they know your name, and move on, saying something like "Have a great night."
WATCH MATT WORK A ROOM.
Many people find working a room difficult. Watch me interact with audience members onstage so you can see this technique in action.
Go to www.gettheguybook.com/war Access code: gtgbook Adopt the ownership mentality I remember arriving in New York the night before one of my Get the Guy seminars. I went down to the hotel bar for a drink. A guy came down the stairs, marched up to me, shook my hand, and with a big grin said, "Hey buddy, how"s it going?" We spoke for no more than thirty seconds and then he left, saying, "Enjoy your night, I"ll see you later." He didn"t explain why he was speaking to me.
A few hours later I found out that this guy owned the bar. I didn"t know that at first and just saw that he was open, warm, and friendly. I was receptive to him because he exuded charm and confidence. I could see him talking to everyone effortlessly. He was just a guy working the room.
The lesson was not lost on me. We can all adopt this mentality. Owners of establishments talk to anyone and everyone, even though many have no idea who they are, because, well, they own the place. But the reason behind their behavior hardly matters, because it"s about the openness and warmth they project.
By adopting this att.i.tude, a party that might seem intimidating when you walk in the door can feel in twenty minutes like one you"re hosting. The best part? You"re able to relax and feel at home without having to come up with anything clever or fancy to say.
Treat everyone the same Being sociable is both learned behavior and an att.i.tude. It doesn"t have an on-off switch. Many people take a somewhat mercenary approach, as if their charm is a precious resource they"ll run out of if they don"t save it for the right time and person. "When I meet that amazing guy, then I"ll bring out my full charm," they imagine. Or, at a party or event where there are no hot guys, they say things like, "I can"t see anyone I"m attracted to here, so where"s the benefit to me?" It"s like saying, "When I get on the stage, then I"ll learn my lines!"
Building a social network is not only about snagging a date with that one attractive guy. Nor is it about using people; our interest in them should always come from a genuine place.
Truth be told, I"m an introvert. My idea of a great evening is watching a movie at home with someone I care about, be it a girlfriend, family, or friends. Even so, I know that there are a lot of men and women out there who may introduce me to a lively social circle, or to new people and places. Some people may be more introspective but still have the potential of bringing something unexpected into our lives, even if it is an idea or point of view that we might not have otherwise come across. The point is that there is a great big world out there with your guy in it, and the only way to find him is to expand your world, even if it is one step at a time.
If you remain unconvinced about the benefits of saying yes, learning to work a room, and expanding your social network, consider this: being sociable is one of the key ways to throw the net wide: when we get sociable with everyone, it"s easy to meet anyone. And by anyone I mean that hot guy you would normally pa.s.s by because you"re too nervous to even make eye contact. You"ll never know where Mr. Right will appear, and when he does it helps to be "in shape" socially, to be able to start a conversation, and get and keep him interested. (More about the latter, later.) Be open to gateway friends One time I was doing some coaching in central London, on Carnaby Street. Things were progressing well, or so I thought. Part of my method is to talk through a technique with a client, then encourage them to field test it by going out in the world and seeing for themselves how it works. One young woman had ventured out and struck up a conversation with a good-looking young guy, and from where I watched at my table outside a coffee shop, I could see them across the street having what appeared to be a great conversation. They were laughing over something she"d said, and I a.s.sumed they were having loads of fun. This was a date in the making for sure. She returned to where I was sitting, beaming.
"How did it go?" I asked.
"Great, he was really cool and interesting."
"Terrific," I said. "Did you get his number?"
"Oh no, I didn"t really fancy him in that way, but he was great to talk to because he works in fashion, which is something I just love."
Where had I gone wrong? This was crazy! This guy was good-looking, cool, and seemed like he had a fascinating, glamorous life. She decided not to get his number because he wasn"t her type.
Can you see why this is a problem? Whether she was attracted to him or not, how many other guys in central London might this guy know who are also cool, fashionable, and fun to be around? Who couldn"t do with this kind of person in her contacts? Even if that particular guy wasn"t my client"s cup of tea, there"s a chance that within his network there was a guy for her.
As soon as she closed off the opportunity to be in touch with that guy again, she lost not just him, but one, two, or maybe ten or more potential guys she could have been introduced to through this single gateway guy.
I"m not suggesting you lead a guy on when you"re not interested. The object is to make a casual connection. My client could have easily said, "None of my friends have a clue about what"s fashionable, you"d be performing a public service by letting me put you in my contacts."
The more playful and relaxed you make it, the less seriously he"ll take it when you ask for the number. And with a gateway guy there"s nothing to lose and everything to gain: you"ll get to exercise your social muscles with a good-looking man, add to your social circle, and perhaps develop a friendship with the best friend of Mr. Right.
Meet people who share your pa.s.sions Earlier I discussed the benefits of pursuing your interests as a way of throwing the net wide and meeting more guys. You can also expand your social circle that way. When you sign up for that cooking cla.s.s, it"ll be full of people who share your pa.s.sion for cooking. What kind of people are you going to meet at your one-day travel photography seminar? People who share the same interest.
The goal is not to fill your datebook with meaningless activities, but to enrich your life. The combination of saying yes to events and activities you might enjoy if you give them half a chance, plus enlarging your circle of friends and contacts, will result in a life you will love, and just may lead you to the love of your life.
Every Relationship Begins with a Conversation It"s not just where we go but what we do when we are there that counts. Exposing ourselves to opportunity is one thing, but it doesn"t help if when we do go out we glue ourselves to one side of the room, clutching a drink, and get locked in conversation with the two friends we came with, only interrupting our conversation to check our phone. That evening will pa.s.s without our meeting anyone. So let"s work on developing the ability to engage in high-quality social interactions-otherwise known as learning how to talk to people.
You may not think you are naturally sociable, but that is your perception, and because it"s a perception not based in fact, it can be changed. You are human and therefore sociable. It is a species trait, not an individual one.
Being sociable has nothing to do with whether you"re an introvert or an extrovert. Learning how to talk to people is about developing a skill, not changing who you are. Getting your guy doesn"t require you to change anything about your character. It only requires you to do what human beings, as primates who live in groups composed of families, clans, and communities, do naturally: socialize. Being sociable is innate. This isn"t about being the loudest, craziest person at the party, but being prepared to open up our world and show a genuine interest in other people. Every relationship begins with a conversation, so you simply need to start having more of them.
The act of starting a conversation may be the most important thing you do to get the guy. Starting conversations is so important that I can"t stress it enough. Later on in the book we"ll deal with the nitty-gritty of what to say to the guy you really like. For the moment, understand that what will transform your life, more than anything else, is to begin having more conversations.
People who are good at starting conversations aren"t good because they have some magical method or great conversation pieces. They are good because they do it regularly, and the more they do it, the easier it gets. Even the simplest opening can start a conversation that can lead to something amazing.
You can ask your waiter what is the best thing on the menu. You can chat up the barman when ordering a drink. You can ask the woman standing online behind you at the grocery store her opinion on the organic peanut b.u.t.ter she"s got in her cart.
A lot of conversations go nowhere. That"s the nature of interactions. Just because you"ve asked someone the time doesn"t mean you"re going to wind up standing on the street corner discussing the state of the global economy for an hour. Sometimes you"ll have a two-minute chat, share a silly joke, then both be on your way. That"s okay, as your focus should be on the process and your comfort in it.
It"s fun to make someone smile by offering a compliment, or asking their advice, or displaying interest in a book they might be reading. People, no matter who they are, feel good about themselves when someone notices them.
If the thought of this makes you nervous, chances are it"s because you"re still imagining that the only new people you"re going to chat up in any given week are guys to whom you"re attracted. There"s one in line at the deli! Oh my G.o.d, how can I approach him, and what do I say when I do? He"s going to think I"m a crazy person!
If you focus solely on the conversations you"re going to initiate with men you find attractive, you will not get good at this. People who are the most magnetic are people who are able to meet anyone, who can relate to or charm everyone, whether male or female. They"re not thinking about being humiliated or embarra.s.sed or rejected, because their intent is just to be sociable.
If you become the kind of person who"s always able to start a conversation and connect with people, when you do meet that hot guy you"ll be less likely to get tongue-tied, because you"ll have well-exercised social muscles. Conversation will feel natural and easy, because it"s become a ritual.
When we just focus on practicing conversation for its own sake, we stop fearing the outcome, because each conversation just makes us better prepared for the next one.
Be a Tourist One of my favorite ways of making conversation easy is to imagine you are a tourist. Wherever you live, imagine you"ve just arrived in town. What does that mindset feel like? You"re alert and full of questions. Your curiosity (and interest in where the nearest bathroom is) probably makes you more bold than usual. Tourists often say about London or New York, "Everyone here is just so friendly when you speak to them." Londoners and New Yorkers often feel just the opposite.
The difference is the tourist mindset. Tourists walk around inquisitively. They ask directions, they talk to locals when they meet them, they ask random people about the area, and often they get chatty when they go out because they want to meet people. Because of this everyone in the city seems friendly and responds to them by being warm and open. Tourists, unlike most locals, treat the city as a playground where they can meet anybody.
Not long ago I was in a supermarket in London with my brother. It was early Sat.u.r.day morning and we"d stumbled out in our pajamas, hoping to grab something for breakfast. Two American girls approached us and said, "Do you know anywhere good for breakfast around here? We just got here yesterday and don"t really know the area."
"I know some great places," I said, and told them what they were. Then I said, "You guys seem really cool. We should get some of our friends together and go out sometime."
It was so simple and obvious, and we ended the conversation exchanging numbers. The reason this worked so well is that the girls put zero pressure on the interaction. They were seeking information and took a chance that two moderately hungover guys in their pajamas could help them out.
You can do this right now. You don"t have to wait until you are a tourist in a new city. Be a tourist in your own town. Who can honestly say they"ve explored everywhere in the town that they live? Once you just get curious about people and places, you lose all that anxiety about approaching people. You lose that ridiculous idea that every interaction has two possible outcomes: approval or rejection.
Instead, you"re out there living life, meeting people, enlarging your circle of friends, until one day, you meet a guy who"s worth getting to know.
4.
The Mindset of the Chooser Among the misconceptions perpetrated about men and what they think, the biggest is this: "If he really liked me he would come over and talk to me."
No, he wouldn"t.
I have coached over ten thousand guys, and if I"ve learned anything, it"s that when it comes to striking up a conversation, whether a guy likes you is absolutely irrelevant. He could be standing right next to you, thinking you"re a G.o.ddess and the girl of his dreams, and he might not do a thing about it.
In fact, the more attracted to you a guy is, the less likely he is to approach you. Why? Because it"s easier for him to talk to a woman he doesn"t like. Talking to the girl who makes him melt inside is hard as h.e.l.l.
Those who subscribe to the hard-to-get school of courtship contend that a woman should always wait for a guy to approach her, because then, and only then, can she tell whether a guy is actually into her or not.
I"m here to break the news: there isn"t an ounce of truth in this.
Blame TV, blame the movies, but there"s an enormous fallacy that men approach women on a regular basis. It is a mistaken belief that men are the ones who initiate contact, that a girl simply has to show up, and the guys who are drawn to her will behave like bees around a flower.
If your experience bears this out-that men don"t approach you regularly-you"re probably convinced that this means you"re not attractive to men.
The reality is that most men are not used to approaching women they"re drawn to. Whether he"s a Calvin Klein underwear model or the most average-looking guy on the street, most men do not approach women on a regular basis. I know dozens of guys who are good-looking and charming, smart and accomplished, or warm and funny, who never approach women when they go out. That is, of course, unless they are plied with alcohol or the woman in question is their best friend"s friend.
This is not to say that no men ever approach women. But most of those who do tend to approach a lot of women. Hitting on women is their go-to social move. I don"t have a national polling organization on my payroll, but I"d wager that these outgoing, hey-babe-buy-you-a-drink? guys make up 1 percent of the population. Chances are, if a guy sidles up to you at a party and is laying it on heavy, he is a guy you may want to avoid. While this is happening, all around you are a bunch of worthy, intriguing guys who are not in the habit of speaking to women they don"t know. Even if these guys somehow believe it"s their social, chivalric duty to do the approaching, they"re just not very good at it. Unless they get some help or buy a book like this one, they"re even less accomplished at it than you are.
The scene is familiar. It"s your friend"s birthday party. Or maybe she"s not really a friend, she"s just sort of someone you know. You"re surprised she invited you, but a few of your friends convinced you to go. Now you"re at the party, the friends who dragged you here have wandered off, and you"re clutching a drink.
You spot a cute guy at the other side of the room. You think he"s looking over at you. Wouldn"t it be really great if he came over for a chat? He looks over. He just smiled. You notice that he looks even cuter when he smiles. You smile back. Why doesn"t he just come over?
It"s okay, you think. Someone will probably introduce you both later. He probably knows one of your friends. Or maybe the host will introduce you. You carry on with your night, catching up with the few people you know in the room. He smiles again. Then he takes his drink and starts to move off. He gives you a lingering look before joining a group of his friends.
Maybe you feel a familiar sense of frustration. Why didn"t he come over and say h.e.l.lo?
What Freaks Guys Out About Approaching a Woman Try putting yourself in the shoes of a guy for a second. Suppose he spots you from the other side of the room, and he"s decided he likes what he sees. He now has a decision to make: Should he walk across the room and strike up a conversation with you or not? And if not, why not? What"s he got to worry about?
He"s worried about looking bad in front of his friends Looking like an idiot in front of his friends means far more to a guy than a girl can ever imagine. What if he strolls over to you and you shoot him down, or give him the blank look of death? What if he thinks your boyfriend is about to return from the bar with a handsome martini? He"ll be left to do one thing: walk s-l-o-w-l-y back to his friends, who will rib him and laugh at him, thereby lowering his self-esteem and guaranteeing that he never initiates another conversation with a female for as long as he lives. These fears are so primal and embedded in the male psyche that even if you give him signals to approach you, he may still misread them.
To fail with the opposite s.e.x is a huge blow to the male ego, bigger than any woman can ever imagine. This fear of humiliation is what fuels the male impulse to fabricate fantasy hookups, and why guys who never get laid still brag to their friends that they do. It"s why younger men have bragging compet.i.tions about the women they have slept with, or the hot model who gave them her phone number, or the number of dates they"ve been on in the last week.
It"s the desire for s.e.xual validation that explains male posturing, posing, and the kind of one-upmanship that dominates so much masculine behavior. Ever notice how male bonding tends to be centered around putting each other down and making each other look stupid? Friendships between men are still often built on fighting for status.
What"s more, a man fights hardest for social status among his own peers. The men whose opinions he cares the most about are not all the strangers in the bar, but his friends. It"s within his own group he has to fight for dominance, which is why any public humiliation, particularly humiliation from women, is so painful.
He"s terrified of what you and your friends are going to say The risk of rejection by you, and the ridicule he imagines he"ll then suffer at the hands of your friends, is excruciating-so much so that he would rather hang back and at least cling to the belief that he could approach you, if he so desired, than risk the prospect of rejection. If you see him talking to other women, chances are it"s because he feels he has absolutely nothing to lose.
When it comes to your average man, it"s precisely the woman who drives him crazy who seems the most terrifying to him. He feels unworthy of her. He feels that she has her pick of any guy in the place. Also, his status as a man is on the line, so if he approaches her and gets shot down, he"s going to feel that sting of rejection that we all instinctively try to avoid.