THE GENERAL. I shall have the great pleasure, Mr Alderman, in waiting on the Mayoress with the Bishop"s orders; and I shall be proud to return with munic.i.p.al honors. [He stalks out gallantly, Collins rising for a moment to bow to him with marked dignity].
REGINALD. Boxer is rather a fine old josser in his way.
HOTCHKISS. His uniform gives him an unfair advantage. He will take all the attention off the Beadle.
COLLINS. I think it would be as well, my lord, to go on with the contract while we"re waiting. The truth is, we shall none of us have much of a look-in when Mrs George comes; so we had better finish the writing part of the business before she arrives.
HOTCHKISS. I think I have the preliminaries down all right.
[Reading] "Memorandum of Agreement made this day of blank blank between blank blank of blank blank in the County of blank, Esquire, hereinafter called the Gentleman, of the one part, and blank blank of blank in the County of blank, hereinafter called the Lady, of the other part, whereby it is declared and agreed as follows."
LEO [rising] You might remember your manners, Sinjon. The lady comes first. [She goes behind him and stoops to look at the draft over his shoulder].
HOTCHKISS. To be sure. I beg your pardon. [He alters the draft].
LEO. And you have got only one lady and one gentleman. There ought to be two gentlemen.
COLLINS. Oh, thats a mere matter of form, maam. Any number of ladies or gentlemen can be put in.
LEO. Not any number of ladies. Only one lady. Besides, that creature wasnt a lady.
REGINALD. You shut your head, Leo. This is a general sort of contract for everybody: it"s not your tract.
LEO. Then what use is it to me?
HOTCHKISS. You will get some hints from it for your own contract.
EDITH. I hope there will be no hinting. Let us have the plain straightforward truth and nothing but the truth.
COLLINS. Yes, yes, miss: it will be all right. Theres nothing underhand, I a.s.sure you. It"s a model agreement, as it were.
EDITH [unconvinced] I hope so.
HOTCHKISS. What is the first clause in an agreement, usually? You know, Mr Alderman.
COLLINS [at a loss] Well, Sir, the Town Clerk always sees to that. Ive got out of the habit of thinking for myself in these little matters. Perhaps his lordship knows.
THE BISHOP. I"m sorry to say I dont. Soames will know. Alice, where is Soames?
HOTCHKISS. He"s in there [pointing to the study].
THE BISHOP [to his wife] Coax him to join us, my love. [Mrs Bridgenorth goes into the study]. Soames is my chaplain, Mr Collins. The great difficulty about Bishops in the Church of England to-day is that the affairs of the diocese make it necessary that a Bishop should be before everything a man of business, capable of sticking to his desk for sixteen hours a day. But the result of having Bishops of this sort is that the spiritual interests of the Church, and its influence on the souls and imaginations of the people, very soon begins to go rapidly to the devil--
EDITH [shocked] Papa!
THE BISHOP. I am speaking technically, not in Boxer"s manner.
Indeed the Bishops themselves went so far in that direction that they gained a reputation for being spiritually the stupidest men in the country and commercially the sharpest. I found a way out of this difficulty. Soames was my solicitor. I found that Soames, though a very capable man of business, had a romantic secret his- tory. His father was an eminent Nonconformist divine who habitually spoke of the Church of England as The Scarlet Woman.
Soames became secretly converted to Anglicanism at the age of fifteen. He longed to take holy orders, but didnt dare to, because his father had a weak heart and habitually threatened to drop dead if anybody hurt his feelings. You may have noticed that people with weak hearts are the tyrants of English family life.
So poor Soames had to become a solicitor. When his father died-- by a curious stroke of poetic justice he died of scarlet fever, and was found to have had a perfectly sound heart--I ordained Soames and made him my chaplain. He is now quite happy. He is a celibate; fasts strictly on Fridays and throughout Lent; wears a ca.s.sock and biretta; and has more legal business to do than ever he had in his old office in Ely Place. And he sets me free for the spiritual and scholarly pursuits proper to a Bishop.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [coming back from the study with a knitting basket] Here he is. [She resumes her seat, and knits].
Soames comes in in ca.s.sock and biretta. He salutes the company by blessing them with two fingers.
HOTCHKISS. Take my place, Mr Soames. [He gives up his chair to him, and retires to the oak chest, on which he seats himself].
THE BISHOP. No longer Mr Soames, Sinjon. Father Anthony.
SOAMES [taking his seat] I was christened Oliver Cromwell Soames.
My father had no right to do it. I have taken the name of Anthony. When you become parents, young gentlemen, be very careful not to label a helpless child with views which it may come to hold in abhorrence.
THE BISHOP. Has Alice explained to you the nature of the doc.u.ment we are drafting?
SOAMES. She has indeed.
LESBIA. That sounds as if you disapproved.
SOAMES. It is not for me to approve or disapprove. I do the work that comes to my hand from my ecclesiastical superior.
THE BISHOP. Dont be uncharitable, Anthony. You must give us your best advice.
SOAMES. My advice to you all is to do your duty by taking the Christian vows of celibacy and poverty. The Church was founded to put an end to marriage and to put an end to property.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. But how could the world go on, Anthony?
SOAMES. Do your duty and see. Doing your duty is your business: keeping the world going is in higher hands.
LESBIA. Anthony: youre impossible.
SOAMES [taking up his pen] You wont take my advice. I didnt expect you would. Well, I await your instructions.
REGINALD. We got stuck on the first clause. What should we begin with?
SOAMES. It is usual to begin with the term of the contract.
EDITH. What does that mean?
SOAMES. The term of years for which it is to hold good.
LEO. But this is a marriage contract.
SOAMES. Is the marriage to be for a year, a week, or a day?
REGINALD. Come, I say, Anthony! Youre worse than any of us. A day!
SOAMES. Off the path is off the path. An inch or a mile: what does it matter?
LEO. If the marriage is not to be for ever, I"ll have nothing to do with it. I call it immoral to have a marriage for a term of years. If the people dont like it they can get divorced.
REGINALD. It ought to be for just as long as the two people like.