THE GENERAL. Am I to understand that the whole case was one of collusion?
REGINALD. Of course it was. Half the cases are collusions: what are people to do? [The General, pa.s.sing his hand dazedly over his bewildered brow, sinks into the railed chair]. And what do you take me for, that you should have the cheek to pretend to believe all that rot about my knocking Leo about and leaving her for--for a--a-- Ugh! you should have seen her.
THE GENERAL. This is perfectly astonishing to me. Why did you do it? Why did Leo allow it?
REGINALD. Youd better ask her.
LEO [still in tears] I"m sure I never thought it would be so horrid for Rejjy. I offered honorably to do it myself, and let him divorce me; but he wouldnt. And he said himself that it was the only way to do it--that it was the law that he should do it that way. I never saw that hateful creature until that day in Court. If he had only shewn her to me before, I should never have allowed it.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. You did all this for Leo"s sake, Rejjy?
REGINALD [with an unbearable sense of injury] I shouldnt mind a bit if it were for Leo"s sake. But to have to do it to make room for that mushroom-faced serpent--!
THE GENERAL [jumping up] What right had he to be made room for?
Are you in your senses? What right?
REGINALD. The right of being a young man, suitable to a young woman. I had no right at my age to marry Leo: she knew no more about life than a child.
LEO. I knew a great deal more about it than a great baby like you. I"m sure I dont know how youll get on with no one to take care of you: I often lie awake at night thinking about it. And now youve made me thoroughly miserable.
REGINALD. Serve you right! [She weeps]. There: dont get into a tantrum, Leo.
LESBIA. May one ask who is the mushroom-faced serpent?
LEO. He isnt.
REGINALD. Sinjon Hotchkiss, of course.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Sinjon Hotchkiss! Why, he"s coming to the wedding!
REGINALD. What! In that case I"m off [he makes for the tower].
LEO } { [seizing him] No you shant.
You promised to be nice to (all four him.
THE GENERAL } rushing { No, dont go, old chap. Not after him from Edith"s wedding.
and capturing him on the MRS. BRIDGE- threshold) NORTH } { Oh, do stay, Benjjy. I shall really be hurt if you desert us.
LESBIA } { Better stay, Reginald. You must meet him sooner or later.
REGINALD. A moment ago, when I wanted to stay, you were all shoving me out of the house. Now that I want to go, you wont let me.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. I shall send a note to Mr Hotchkiss not to come.
LEO [weeping again] Oh, Alice! [She comes back to her chair, heartbroken].
REGINALD [out of patience] Oh well, let her have her way. Let her have her mushroom. Let him come. Let them all come.
He crosses the kitchen to the oak chest and sits sulkily on it.
Mrs Bridgenorth shrugs her shoulders and sits at the table in Reginald"s neighborhood listening in placid helplessness. Lesbia, out of patience with Leo"s tears, goes into the garden and sits there near the door, snuffing up the open air in her relief from the domestic stuffness of Reginald"s affairs.
LEO. It"s so cruel of you to go on pretending that I dont care for you, Rejjy.
REGINALD [bitterly] She explained to me that it was only that she had exhausted my conversation.
THE GENERAL [coming paternally to Leo] My dear girl: all the conversation in the world has been exhausted long ago. Heaven knows I have exhausted the conversation of the British Army these thirty years; but I dont leave it on that account.
LEO. It"s not that Ive exhausted it; but he will keep on repeating it when I want to read or go to sleep. And Sinjon amuses me. He"s so clever.
THE GENERAL [stung] Ha! The old complaint. You all want geniuses to marry. This demand for clever men is ridiculous. Somebody must marry the plain, honest, stupid fellows. Have you thought of that?
LEO. But there are such lots of stupid women to marry. Why do they want to marry us? Besides, Rejjy knows that I"m quite fond of him. I like him because he wants me; and I like Sinjon because I want him. I feel that I have a duty to Rejjy.
THE GENERAL. Precisely: you have.
LEO. And, of course, Sinjon has the same duty to me.
THE GENERAL. Tut, tut!
LEO. Oh, how silly the law is! Why cant I marry them both?
THE GENERAL [shocked] Leo!
LEO. Well, I love them both. I should like to marry a lot of men.
I should like to have Rejjy for every day, and Sinjon for concerts and theatres and going out in the evenings, and some great austere saint for about once a year at the end of the season, and some perfectly blithering idiot of a boy to be quite wicked with. I so seldom feel wicked; and, when I do, it"s such a pity to waste it merely because it"s too silly to confess to a real grown-up man.
REGINALD. This is the kind of thing, you know [Helplessly] Well, there it is!
THE GENERAL [decisively] Alice: this is a job for the Barmecide.
He"s a Bishop: it"s his duty to talk to Leo. I can stand a good deal; but when it comes to flat polygamy and polyandry, we ought to do something.
MRS BRIDGENORTH [going to the study door] Do come here a moment, Alfred. We"re in a difficulty.
THE BISHOP [within] Ask Collins, I"m busy.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. Collins wont do. It"s something very serious. Do come just a moment, dear. [When she hears him coming she takes a chair at the nearest end of the table].
The Bishop comes out of his study. He is still a slim active man, spare of flesh, and younger by temperament than his brothers. He has a delicate skin, fine hands, a salient nose with chin to match, a short beard which accentuates his sharp chin by bristling forward, clever humorous eyes, not without a glint of mischief in them, ready bright speech, and the ways of a successful man who is always interested in himself and generally rather well pleased with himself. When Lesbia hears his voice she turns her chair towards him, and presently rises and stands in the doorway listening to the conversation.
THE BISHOP [going to Leo] Good morning, my dear. Hullo! Youve brought Reginald with you. Thats very nice of you. Have you reconciled them, Boxer?
THE GENERAL. Reconciled them! Why, man, the whole divorce was a put-up job. She wants to marry some fellow named Hotchkiss.
REGINALD. A fellow with a face like--
LEO. You shant, Rejjy. He has a very fine face.
MRS BRIDGENORTH. And now she says she wants to marry both of them, and a lot of other people as well.