Giving In

"I"m not brooding!" she insisted, rubbing her arm with her other hand.

Mai reached out and poked Natsuki"s brow with her forefinger. The dark haired student swatted at the offensive limb and scowled at her attacker. "That crease there proves otherwise!"

Natsuki jutted her lower jaw forwards indignantly and let a huff out through her nose. "I was just thinking!" she protested.

The finger that had just prodded her now wagged disapprovingly. "Less thinking, Natsuki. More talking."

Natsuki rolled her eyes at the other girl, but she was glad for her words. She"d managed to provoke other emotions in her than just the sadness she"d been wallowing in previously. Perhaps it wouldn"t be so bad talking with Mai about it after all. Still, there were some things she didn"t think she"d be able to tell her. I"ll have to choose my words carefully.

Perhaps sensing Natsuki"s willingness changing, Mai"s expression became serious and her grin faded. "So, how is it you think you messed up?"

How could I possibly tell her about that? Natsuki pursed her lips, attempting to think of a way to get her situation across without actually giving any details. That was not going to be easy. "I... I"m not sure. I think I did something to upset someone."

Mai"s head tilted to one side as she tried to figure out what the other girl meant. "Upset who?"

"A... friend."

The other girl brought a hand up to sweep some stray strands of hair out of her face. "Well, aren"t you being all specific." Natsuki could only shoot her a guilty look. "At least tell me what you think you"ve done."

Her head dipping with the memories from earlier in the evening, Natsuki grimaced as she continued the vague explanation. "I don"t even know. I tried so hard to say and do the right things but it didn"t work. I still screwed things up."

Mai"s brow furrowed at Natsuki"s words. "Does this have anything to do with earlier?"

Natsuki blinked blankly at her for a few moments before it dawned on her that she was referring to their meeting before school. "Oh... yeah, I guess it does."

The other girl"s eyes brightened at this but Natsuki couldn"t share her excitement. "Who are you dating, Natsuki?"

The biker let out a soft sigh. "No one." It wasn"t as if she was lying. She"d never been on a date with Shizuru and she wasn"t even sure they had any kind of relationship now. She had to ignore the pain in her chest at that thought.

"Oh come on, give me something to work with here!" Mai exclaimed with a hint of frustration.

Natsuki clenched her jaw before looking over at her friend. "Let"s just stick with "friend" for now."

The other girl waved a hand dismissively. "Fine, fine. I"ll translate as you go. Continue then!"

Throwing herself back to lounge against the sofa, her head tilted up towards the ceiling, Natsuki allowed her gaze to wander over the tiny cracks in the paint above her. "I"m not really sure what to say. I tried to open up to... my friend and it backfired. I must have said something wrong and I don"t know how to make it right again."

There was a pause as Mai processed her words. Natsuki knew she wasn"t being very helpful with what she was saying, yet her friend was still trying to help out. I should really thank her properly when all this is over. "So what"s your friend"s problem?"

Natsuki flinched at the emphasised word. It didn"t feel right to refer to Shizuru as merely her friend any more. She felt like she was belittling the connection they had and ignoring all the progress they had made. But that had already happened, hadn"t it? "It"s hard to say. I never know what they"re thinking." When she felt Mai"s glare directed at her, she decided to elaborate further. "Something about me pitying them."

"Are we talking about Takeda-san?" Mai"s voice rose a few octaves as she spoke.

The biker cringed at the inference. "No!" she hastily rejected the notion. I suppose it is my fault for being so vague though.

Her friend let out a giggle. "You said that way too fast, Natsuki."

"Because it"s wrong!" she insisted, lifting her head to look at Mai.

From the skeptical look on the other girl"s face, she clearly didn"t believe her. Perhaps it would have been easier to allow Mai to believe that she was talking about Takeda but she couldn"t talk about Shizuru as thought she was him. That didn"t sit well with her at all. "Did he finally wear you down?"

"Ugh, Mai, it"s not Takeda," she continued to deny it, weariness creeping into her voice.

Mai eyed her with that same skepticism. "The pity thing... I was sure it could only be him."

I guess I can see how she"d come to that conclusion. "Well, it"s not," she said irritably.

Finally giving up on that idea, Mai shrugged and looked at Natsuki pointedly. "So why does your friend think you pity them?"

Natsuki let her head fall again to the back of the sofa and pressed her palms against her face. "I really don"t know."

Turning to the side, to face Natsuki, and leaning one elbow on the back of the sofa, Mai gestured with her free hand as she spoke. "There"s got to be some reason. If we can figure that out then maybe you"ll know what to do."

She was right, there had to be a reason, but Natsuki couldn"t think of it. She was hopeless at that sort of thing. She was barely aware of the reasons why she did things, let alone another person. One moment Shizuru had been perfectly happy, the next she"d pushed Natsuki away. She only wished she knew what had happened in those minutes to cause that change. She let her eyes slide to the left to peer at Mai out of the corner of them. She seemed to be structuring something in her mind and Natsuki realised she hadn"t given her friend much of anything to go on. How was she supposed to be able to help?

"You do come off a bit cold, Natsuki. Maybe that"s it?" Mai offered.

That wasn"t it. She"d opened herself up more with Shizuru than she had with anyone else. "It can"t be. I"m not like that with them."

She registered the surprise in Mai"s eyes. "Really?"

Natsuki shot her a warning look. "Don"t be so surprised." She couldn"t really blame Mai though, she hadn"t exactly showed her much evidence of her softer side.

"Maybe that"s it..." Mai thought aloud. "You"re not your usual self around this friend so it seems like you"re putting on an act?"

"It"s not an act!" she snapped defensively.

Mai held her hands up in front of herself. "I never said that. I said it might seem that way."

Could that be it? It seemed unfathomable to Natsuki that Shizuru would a.s.sume she was pretending when she was around her. "I... don"t think so. They should know me by now."

An orange eyebrow curved upwards. "Wouldn"t it be, you know, easier to talk to someone who"s known you longer then?"

Natsuki turned her head to look at Mai fully. She wasn"t speaking out of hurt that she didn"t appear to know the biker as well as she thought. She seemed to genuinely think the suggestion was better for her friend. "I don"t really have anyone..." Natsuki trailed off, that aching in her chest swelling once more. Shizuru...

As if hearing her thoughts, Mai chimed in. "What about Kaichou-san?"

The cheerful use of her old t.i.tle made Natsuki feel almost nostalgic. But it also hurt to think she couldn"t talk to her old friend. "No," she said quietly.

"Why not? She"s known you the longest, hasn"t she? And you two hang out quite a bit now. Surely, she"d be better at this than me?" Mai said cheerfully, obviously pleased with her reasoning.

Staring back up at the ceiling, Natsuki covered her eyes with her forearm, attempting to block everything out. "I can"t..." She hoped the pain didn"t show in her words.

"Don"t be so stubborn. If you can talk to me, then-"

"She"s the problem, dammit!" s.h.i.t. She"d wanted to tell Mai but now she regretted the outburst. She let her arm fall back to her side with a little more force than she"d intended.

Mai blinked rapidly, confusion causing a frown to replace her smile and creases to appear on her brow. "K-kaichou-san... likes the same person you do?"

Natsuki let out a wry laugh, the sound ugly to her own ears. It was only natural for Mai to make that a.s.sumption though. She was trying to force them into a box that fit into her own view of the world. It probably hadn"t even occurred to the other girl that a guy wasn"t even involved.

"No?" Mai"s confusion was growing.

Sucking in a deep breath, Natsuki prepared herself for whatever reaction Mai might have to her explanation. It would be good just to let the words out though. "Shizuru is in love with me." There, she had finally said it. While it weighed heavily on her heart, she also found a kind of freedom for having said it aloud.

Normally, she probably would have found the humour in watching Mai"s mouth open and close like a goldfish"s and the normally vocal girl was completely speechless now. But, Natsuki realised, her friend"s opinion did actually matter to her and, because of that, she felt a nervous flutter in her stomach. Seeming to realise how ridiculous she looked, Mai snapped her mouth shut and concentrated on keeping the shock from her face.

Mai ran a hand through her hair and finally looked Natsuki in the eye. She opened her mouth to speak but paused for a moment, seeming to consider her words before continuing. "Do you..?" She couldn"t seem to finish the question though, as if asking was too presumptuous.

Natsuki knew what she was asking though. The same question had been echoing through the back of her mind since she had first kissed Shizuru, she just hadn"t wanted to acknowledge it then. "I... don"t know," she answered honestly. How was she supposed to know? She had never loved anyone before. Sure, she knew what maternal love felt like and she had loved her mother very much. It was a safe kind of feeling, a comforting warmth, something to always fall back on. Perhaps I do then...

"I see..." Mai said as her frown deepened.

Did Mai think their situation disgusting? It was hard to read that frown. Mai didn"t seem like the kind of person who"d reject Natsuki"s friendship over this. But how can I know until it"s tested? Now that she"d revealed it to Mai, she wasn"t sure how to continue. It was a big enough step merely telling her about Shizuru, how was she supposed to delve into her own feelings?

"How long has she... you know?" Mai asked tentatively, her voice much quieter than usual.

Why couldn"t she say it? Then again, I couldn"t either. Natsuki realised she couldn"t really answer Mai"s question as she didn"t know herself. She had never questioned Shizuru on it. After the chaos had ended and everything had returned to some semblance of normality, Natsuki just couldn"t find it in herself to bring any of what had happened up with the older girl. How long had she had those feelings for? Her thoughts went back to the small moments they"d spent together before the HiMEs had gotten caught up in their destiny. Shizuru had always been so helpful, even when she was seemingly busy with council duties. She"d allowed her use of her laptop whenever Natsuki had wished it. Was there a reason behind that kindness other than friendship?

"I... I"m not sure. Gah, I don"t know anything, do I?" She slumped forwards, cradling her head in her hands as the despair washed over her. How was she meant to make things right if she couldn"t answer the simplest of questions?

She stiffened as she felt a warmth on her shoulder and she realised Mai had placed her hand there. "It"s okay, Natsuki. You don"t need to have all the answers." Natsuki didn"t believe that though. "You want to make things right with her, yes?"

She nodded. "I"m not sure if that"s possible though," she stated glumly.

Mai squeezed her shoulder. "If she... if she really does love you, then it will be."

Even though she"d been a little hesitant, Mai sounded so sure of what she"d said. Natsuki felt a spark of hope at that belief. "Really?"

Mai nodded, a smile returning to her face. "It"s just like Mikoto says..." She raised a finger, clearing her throat and doing her best Mikoto impersonation. "Love is good. Yup!"

Natsuki let out a quiet chuckle. Love is good, eh? Yeah, the little ramen-eating-machine is right. It is good. She remembered how comforting it had felt being wrapped in Shizuru"s arms in her bed, waking up to that warmth. She remembered how she felt every time Shizuru looked at her, whether it was with longing or fondness. It was something she knew she didn"t want to lose. For all the time she had gone without knowing such a thing existed, she couldn"t imagine living without it now. If that meant she loved Shizuru, then so be it.

"So, enough moping. Let"s get you fed and then you can start Mission: Kaichou Retrieval!" Mai said excitedly, rising to her feet and clapping her hands together once. Natsuki merely shook her head at her friend, but she was glad for that enthusiasm. It made her feel as though she could face what was to come, whatever that might be.

The lighting in the room was only enough to fully illuminate one end of it, revealing a magnificent set of armour and a single naginata. They both sat on their own stands, the weapon standing in front of the ancient protective gear, as if worshipped by it. Shizuru sat on the floor in front of them both, her legs tucked under her and her eyes closed. To the outside observer, it may have looked as though the young woman was a picture of serenity, her purple yukata perfectly wrapped around her frame and her face a wall of calm.

Emotionally, however, she was in turmoil. She had come to this room to centre herself, to restore the control she had lost in that old student council room. It was the quietest room in her home; her family had insisted she take the family heirlooms now she had graduated and store them in the safest room - the bas.e.m.e.nt. At first, she had dreaded having the naginata in her home but she had found it was something that kept her grounded, it reminded her of the things she could do, of who she could become. She had promised herself that she would always be in control since then, but she had broken that just hours before.

She took a calming breath in and opened her eyes to gaze upon the artifacts in front of her. The naginata was beautiful, she couldn"t deny that. Her eyes followed the flow of the weapon; from the groove at the base of the metal, that narrowed as it moved towards the centre of the widening blade, to the lethal tip that was still sharp after all these years. The groove had been painted at one point but, even though it was not as bright as it had been, she could tell it had been red. She allowed her eyes to travel back down towards the handle, which hadn"t survived quite as well as the blade. The metal that lined the wooden pole had discoloured from how she had been told it looked in its prime and the ridged wood itself had aged, showing signs of deterioration. But, still, it looked so elegant to her.

As her mother had told her, it had been in her family for centuries and was traditionally handed down from mother to daughter. When she was a young girl, she"d often daydream about her ancestors charging into battle with it, donning the dark armour and cutting an imposing figure. She had even imagined herself wielding it far before she had the ability to summon her own. And, so, the Fujino women had gone from wielding the naginata to merely caring for it. She wondered when it had last tasted blood.

That thought didn"t bring back pleasant memories though, and she closed her eyes once more, pushing them away. She"d never find internal balance lingering on every trauma in her life. She would need to come to terms with the decision she"d made earlier in the day, however. That was one thing she couldn"t avoid. It clawed at her mind, not once allowing her any peace. And then the thought came to her that had been echoing in her mind since she"d fled from that room.

What have I done?

Her posture almost faltered with that, her body instantly urging her to wrap her arms around herself. She forced herself to remain seated as she was, however, and turned her thoughts inward. Painful memories of earlier events filled her mind but she didn"t push them away. She knew she had to face them in order to gain power over them.

I"ve lost her.

But she had never had Natsuki in the first place, had she? Now that she"d had time and s.p.a.ce to go over each of the other girl"s words multiple times, she had begun to doubt her own thoughts. What if Natsuki had, indeed, meant what she"d said? What if she wasn"t only giving in to Shizuru"s own desires? Was it possible she really cared for her in such a way?

It doesn"t matter. It"s too late.

She"d made the decision, she"d already acted on it. There was no way Natsuki would forgive her now, not after pushing aside the only form of affection she could give Shizuru. She pressed her fingertips into her thighs, crumpling the fabric of the yukata a little. Perhaps this pain was necessary, though. She couldn"t be trusted, not around Natsuki, even if her feelings were true. She had proven again and again that she couldn"t retain control. Shizuru couldn"t bear the thought of hurting the other girl again. Keeping her distance was the only way of being sure.

Forgive me, Natsuki.

She hoped that Natsuki wouldn"t hate her for her actions. What was she supposed to do now though? Her entire world had revolved around the vengeance-obsessed biker. She wasn"t sure she could remember how to live without her. She couldn"t think about that though, she could only move forward. She had no choice. So, where would she go now? She had university, of course, and it would be unwise to throw her education away. The campus was still rather close to Natsuki though. Even so, she wasn"t sure she"d ever be able to get far enough away.

From the very first moment she saw Natsuki, she was drawn to her. It was hard to pinpoint what exactly about her made her different to all the other girls around her. Perhaps it was her pain. Whatever the case, from the day she had approached Natsuki in that flower garden she hadn"t been able to stay away. Yet, after all the years of longing, what did she have to show for it? Her grip tightened on her legs at that thought and she could feel the calm she"d surrounded herself in slipping away.

Shizuru forced herself to take in one deep breath after another in an attempt to quell the surge of emotion. She tried to blank her mind, to focus entirely on taking air into her body and then expelling it. Soon she began to relax and the tightness in her chest eased a little. The students who had attended Fuuka Academy with her had often talked of how naturally at ease she was, as though her grace and cool facade were instinctual. What they didn"t know was she had been taught from a very young age how to behave properly and to hide any signs of weakness. It had taken time to become proficient at controlling how other people perceived her.

A sound from behind her caused her to tense suddenly and her eyes shot open. She recognised the slight sc.r.a.ping of a door against laminated flooring and the creak of weight on the steps that led into the bas.e.m.e.nt. The footsteps were light and unsure. Please, no... She found herself holding her breath as her uninvited guest hesitantly descended the stairs. She couldn"t turn around to see who it was, she couldn"t move at all. She was terrified she"d see that beautiful face and fall apart in front of her.

She heard the release of a shaky breath but it wasn"t her own. She mirrored the action, trying desperately to hang on to her mask; her only barrier against the world. She knew who was standing behind her, she could sense the younger woman"s presence. Why is she here? She could have been there to find answers, Shizuru supposed, but she didn"t think she was able to offer any.

"Uh..." The familiar sound of Natsuki"s low voice reached Shizuru"s ears, confirming what she"d already sensed. Under normal circ.u.mstances, she would have smiled at the eloquent greeting the biker had offered her. The Kyoto woman didn"t turn to face her or acknowledge her in any way. She knew that, if she did, she"d never have the resolve to continue with what she"d already set in motion.

"Natsuki..." she whispered the name as though it was a lament. Focusing her gaze upon the naginata in front of her, she channeled her will into that look so she wouldn"t be tempted to take in the captivating features of the younger woman who had now walked up closely behind her. She could almost feel her warmth but she knew it was just a trick of the mind.

Her new companion shuffled uneasily. "Are you okay?" came the meek question. That"s unlike her, she found herself thinking. Shizuru nodded once, her gaze never wavering. Natsuki didn"t seem to want to push her on that though. "What is this place?"

Shizuru could hear a hint of wonder in the other woman"s voice. "It serves several purposes." She spoke in an even, yet not unkind, tone. "It stores the gifts my family has bestowed upon me and it is a place I like to come to in order to find peace. I also like to train here." It probably wasn"t a good idea for her to engage Natsuki in conversation but she couldn"t deny her either.

The dark haired woman walked around to stand beside Shizuru and she had to concentrate all the more to keep her gaze ahead. She could still see Natsuki"s form in her peripheral vision though. There was a soft coughing sound as her companion cleared her throat. "Listen, Shizuru... I"m going to say some stuff and I hope you"ll know what I"m talking about. I"m not very good at this and today just proved that. I"m going to try again though."

A painful mix of hope and disappointment swirled in Shizuru"s chest. "Please just leave." Her tone was cold but speaking those three words was like forcing razors past her lips.

Natsuki"s stunned silence was even harder to bear than the angered words she"d expected to hear. The other woman didn"t retreat, however, and Shizuru watched in surprise as Natsuki stepped in front of her, a determined look on her face. "No," she stated firmly. "You"re going to listen to this whether you like it or not."

Shizuru"s gaze dropped to the floor in front of her. Natsuki"s words only made her seem more endearing, which made the Kyoto woman"s task even harder. She just wasn"t able to keep up the same level of resistance and so she didn"t object. Natsuki dropped down onto the floor in front of her, mirroring her positioning and reaching out for her with one hand. Tentatively, she cupped Shizuru"s chin with her fingers and tilted her head upwards.

"I need you to look at me for this," was all she said. Shizuru"s heart fluttered in her chest. How could she deny that?

"If that is what Natsuki wishes," Shizuru murmured, slipping back into the familiar pattern of speech she used with her old friend.

Natsuki nodded once and allowed her hand to drop away, the contact instantly missed by the other woman. Even now I can"t stop myself from wanting her touch. Perhaps the glum thought had shown in Shizuru"s eyes but now the biker"s right eyebrow twitched slightly. She took a deep breath and she seemed to be preparing herself to continue her words. Shizuru wasn"t sure what she"d say; part of her expected an explanation that everything had been done for her benefit, but there was that small hopeful part of her that wanted Natsuki to insist she wanted it as much as her.

"I guess I screwed up with what I said before so I"ll try and explain properly," Natsuki began, one of her hands playing with the fabric of her uniform"s sleeve. "I... I"ve never been good at looking at myself, you know. I suppose it"s easier to focus on all the c.r.a.p going on around you than it is to look at your own problems. When... I was so consumed by avenging my mother, I didn"t have to think about anything else. It was an easy path to take. But now... now that"s gone, I"m left with all these other areas of my life that are just a mystery to me. I"ve never dealt with them before."

Shizuru listened patiently but she was unsure what the other woman was trying to tell her with her words. Was she unable to love? Was that it? That wasn"t a comforting thought. Even if that hadn"t been the case, that wasn"t the only issue that had pushed itself between them. She didn"t let her internal musings show on her face though. She"d allow Natsuki to finish, at least. It couldn"t be easy for the other woman to speak about her feelings, after all.

"I"ve done a lot of thinking; about how I feel and stuff." A look of frustration pa.s.sed across Natsuki"s face at her poor word choice. "And I"m sure that, even though I"m kind of scared, I want to share these new experiences with you."

There was that flicker of hope again. Natsuki"s words were like a song to her ears and she let them echo in her mind for a while before replying. They soon became intermingled with her own doubts, however. "Natsuki is too kind," she said quietly, her eyes burning into unsure emerald. "But I cannot accept that kindness."