This was the thing that Avery lived with. I was realizing his life wasn"t as perfect as I"d always thought. Of course it wasn"t. He could be beautiful, do well in school, be on every sports team, but he was born to save his sister and he thought he had failed at that.
Avery wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, facing me again. "Anyway, this one time after church? We were like, nine, I guess? I saw our moms having an argument over by the coat closet. Your mom kept trying to hug my mom, but she pushed her away. They were both crying. Then I heard my mom say Erin"s name and your mom say she was sorry."
I turned in Avery"s embrace, resting my head against his chest. "I"m sorry that happened to you. All of it. I don"t know what my mom"s deal was. Both of her parents died when she was our age and she can"t...she probably wasn"t there for your mom like she should"ve been." sorry that happened to you. All of it. I don"t know what my mom"s deal was. Both of her parents died when she was our age and she can"t...she probably wasn"t there for your mom like she should"ve been."
Or she"d known what was going to happen and didn"t say anything.
Mom always had the right answer in the game. It wasn"t a parlor trick; she wasn"t reading my mind, she was checking out my vision. She was like me, or I guess, I was like her. I felt a little relieved, knowing now that at least one person would believe my secret.
Guilt stepped on the back of relief"s heels. Of course, Mom had royally screwed things up and broke her best friend"s heart. I couldn"t do that to Avery.
I had to get this over with and tell him. Holding back the vision from him, it was the wrong thing to do. "I have something to tell you. Kiss me first."
Avery took my face into his hands and pressed his mouth to mine, sliding his tongue between my lips. It was the most wonderful sensation. I tried to block out all the thoughts that were scratching at my brain and let myself go, relish the moment.
That worked for about no minutes. I kissed Avery more fervently and let the thoughts in. Could I live without him? I didn"t want to, especially now that I knew what this this was like. To have to stop touching him, I would go insane with need. So, then, how was I going to tell him about the vision? I had no way of proving any of it was real. Even if I was right about Mom, it wasn"t like she was going to back me up and tell Avery the truth so I could keep making out with him. was like. To have to stop touching him, I would go insane with need. So, then, how was I going to tell him about the vision? I had no way of proving any of it was real. Even if I was right about Mom, it wasn"t like she was going to back me up and tell Avery the truth so I could keep making out with him.
I gave us each a second to catch our breath and then went back at him. I needed more time to think, which was not the easiest thing to do with a beautiful boy"s beautiful mouth beautifully moving down...to review: Didn"t want to live without him, needed him, wanted him, had to tell him, no help from anyone. Conclusion: He was going to think I was crazy and break up with me like his dad wanted him to.
I ran my hands through his hair, concentrating, just in case I needed to remember the feel of it should I become a boyfriendless loser again. It was silky soft, tickling the s.p.a.ces between my fingers.
Ugh! Stupid Mom and her stupid hereditary visions. Was Melody going to get them too? Holy Christ on a cracker, the moral implications of Mel seeing the future were frightening. And Dad, I didn"t have a clue if Dad knew anything.
I hadn"t fully thought any of this out. What if there was more to this than I knew? I needed to talk to Mom first before I say anything to Avery. It couldn"t hurt to learn from her mistakes. Right? That could also be the right thing to do.
My most dangerous and defeating thought finally wormed itself into my brain. The Avery vision wasn"t going to happen for years and years. Tonight he was a hot fifteen-year-old boy with his arms around me in an embrace I never wanted to end. I had time to figure things out, time to develop a plan. At some point in the future I could be strong. Right now, I wanted to be kissed.
Avery ended the kiss, resting his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. "What did you want to tell me?"
I brushed my lips back and forth across his. I wasn"t ready yet, I needed to find out more about the vision before I could give him up. "I wanted to tell you that no one, not my mom or your dad, can come between us. We"re just going to have to be more careful when we"re around each other."
I kissed him hard again, longing to feel my whole body electric. He responded, lying back on the bench and pulling me on top of him, grasping the back of my neck and pushing his tongue into my mouth.
Clearing my worries from my mind, I finally let myself savor the moment. I was losing control, my body taking over and I loved it. Without hesitation I sat up, straddling him, and yanked my nightshirt off.
Avery put his hands up to say stop, but then, as if he knew he was defeated, he reached out and brought me back down to him. I kissed his neck, my hands on his chest, pausing only to help push his shirt off over his head.
Amazingly I didn"t hyperventilate; I was too busy feeling his bare skin against mine to even bother looking at him. I had wasted enough moments looking. He moved his hands down my back and grabbed my rear end.
For a second I considered stopping and telling him that I needed to go home, that I didn"t know what I was doing out here half naked on a park bench. That I was sure I was going to h.e.l.l for all of the things I wanted to do to him. But it felt so good.
The headlights from a pa.s.sing car flashed over us.
"Whoa!" Avery clamped his arms around me. We lie there nose to nose, looking at each other.
I totally got the giggles. "Are you trying to shield me?"
He grinned. "Um, don"t know if you"ve noticed, but you don"t have a shirt on."
I pulled away and slapped him on the chest. "You don"t either!"
He grabbed my wrist, pulling me down. He kissed me, getting back into it, then he stopped abruptly and in a strained voice said, "We gotta go home Zel, or we"re liable to get ourselves arrested for public indecency."
I got up, stumbling a little, and picked my nightshirt up off the ground, "I can"t believe I"m going to say this," I said as I shook the dust from my shirt and put it on, "but it was just about to get a lot more indecent out here."
Avery stood, putting his shirt on and pulling it down in front. "Yeah, we gotta go home right now."
The next morning I lay in bed, getting my nerve up. I heard Mom shuffle down the hallway and go into the kitchen. Melody and Dad were still asleep. Now was my chance. I quietly got up and checked myself out in the mirror. I didn"t see any signs of hickies or puffy lips. Crud! My nightshirt was on inside out. That would not have been good. I turned it right side out. Okay. I was ready.
Mom was making coffee. I went to the fridge and got out the orange juice. "Morning," I said.
She yawned, covering her mouth with her hand. "Morning, Zel. How"d you sleep?"
I poured a small gla.s.s of juice. "Pretty good. Although, y"know, I keep having this crazy dream about how Avery Adams is going to die." Might as well get down to it. "Um, it takes place in the future...and I"m also pregnant in it." I gulped down the juice and poured another gla.s.s.
Mom put her hands out, bracing herself against the countertop. She exhaled and then took a deep breath in.
I concentrated on the Last Supper magnet holding the church newsletter to the fridge. "Don"t worry though," I a.s.sured her, "I think we"re married. So, um, the baby..." I put the orange juice back in the fridge and turned to look at her. "Please say something."
Instead of saying anything, she went down the hall to her bedroom and came back into the kitchen holding some folded up pieces of green paper. She handed them to me. "Everything I know about this is in that letter. Quick, read it before your dad and Melody wake up."
I sat down at the kitchen table. Mom hovered over my shoulder, reading the letter with me.
Dear Gracie, I want to start by telling you that I"m sorry honey and I hope you can someday forgive me for what I have done.
There are many things that you do not know about me. Things that have led me to make the decision to take my own life.
Everything I"m about to tell you is true. All that I ask is that you read this letter and keep it in the back of your mind.
Growing up, I always knew that I was different. I could sense things. Sometimes silly things, like knowing what all of my Christmas presents were even though they were wrapped. Sometimes horrible things like knowing the exact night that our neighbors, the Bucks, house would burn to the ground.
I kept my feelings to myself. Many times I thought that maybe I was crazy.
After the Bucks" house burned (I was thirteen at the time) and the whole family perished in the fire, the guilt that I could have warned them overtook me.
I vowed from that point on to trust my feelings and do whatever I could to stop any other tragedies from occurring.
One afternoon I sat on the banks of the lake for several hours. I had an overwhelming feeling that a small child was going to drown. Sure enough, around four o"clock as my eyes scanned the lake, I saw Alexander Bitman go under the water and not come back up. I alerted the lifeguard on duty, who rescued Alexander. I never doubted my abilities again.
This next part of my story you have heard bits and pieces of over the years, but this is the whole truth.
In July, the summer after I graduated from Rosedell High, I went to a party at my friend Edna"s house. Edna"s boyfriend Ron brought your dad to the party. He was a new face in town, a young lawyer from Portland that Ron had convinced to move to Rosedell and open up a law practice with him.
I was immediately drawn to your father. He was such a smart handsome man. That night after spending just a few hours talking to him, I knew that I would fall in love with him and marry him. For me Gracie, it was not just love at first sight like your father and I always joked about. I felt the connection between us. I knew that he was the one I was meant to be with.
About a month after we met, your dad and I were standing outside of Wechsler"s Drugstore. As he leaned in to kiss me I was overwhelmed by the smell of rain. Then I had a vision of his death. I saw it as plain as day. He was older and lying in the gra.s.s next to a red rose bush in front of a yellow house. He clutched his chest with his left hand, a gold wedding band on his ring finger. I came running from the house, older too, the screen door slamming behind me.
Although the visions were new to me, I dealt with them the same way that I did with my other abilities. I never told your father that I had seen his death. I thought that I could change the course of the future by altering little things. I made sure that we never lived in a yellow house. I never planted red rose bushes. I even acted like I thought screen doors were the most hideous things on earth! Our wedding bands are silver. But, you know the end of this story. He died anyway, lying in the front yard clutching his chest. There was nothing about that part of the vision that I could change.
The strange thing was, after I had that first vision of your father, I started having visions of things that happened to other people. I was able to save them without fail, to the point that, as you know, people grew suspicious of why I was always around when accidents were narrowly averted. I know that this embarra.s.sed you, that folks in town thought I was a little crazy or maybe bad luck. I"m sorry for that too, Gracie, but it feels good to finally let you know that I was saving their lives.
Why then couldn"t I save your father"s life? It is a question that has plagued me these two months since his death. After much contemplation I have come to some conclusions: 1. I think that the true love of your father triggered the visions. I had never felt for another man what I did for him.
2. Because I married him I did not alter the future enough to prevent him from dying in the manner he did in the vision.
3. Every night since I first had the vision of your father"s death I dreamt of it and it never changed. Then the night before he died, I didn"t have the dream at all. I thought that was a good thing. I had stopped having the vision when I touched him many years before. However, it was a sign I ignored. I let my guard down.
Honey, I"m telling you these things not only because I needed to come clean about who I am, to give you some insight as to why I would have such an immense sense of guilt that I would end my own life, but because I fear that you may have inherited my abilities.
As a child I observed that you were very cautious and protective of others and extremely hard to surprise! I don"t know if I was seeing something that I wanted to see. We never talked about it and I never had visions or senses about you. I think I thought maybe your own abilities would take care of you.
Gracie, if you do have abilities similar to mine, please learn from my mistakes. Save yourself a lifetime of trouble and heartache. I"m sorry that I don"t have more knowledge about this to share with you. I don"t know where the visions came from, perhaps this is a mystery you can solve for the both of us.
The only other person I have told about any of this is your aunt Hazel. She has always been a wonderful sister to me and I know she will be a wonderful guardian for you. She does not have the senses or the visions, but she knows everything that I have just told you. Go to her for anything you need, you can trust her.
Take care my sweet red headed girl.
Love Always, MOM.
"Is this why you didn"t marry Avery"s dad?"
She nodded.
Tears were rushing to the surface. This was a hundred times worse than I thought it would be. I was just about to freak the freak out.
There was nothing nothing I could do. Avery was really going to die the way I"d seen it. Forget marrying him or having a baby with him. We could never even be together. Oh G.o.d. My heart sank. I loved him so much already. How was I going to stand being near him knowing he couldn"t be mine? Loving me was literally going to kill him. I blinked away my tears. Please don"t let this be happening. I read through the three rules in the letter one more time and gave it back to Mom. I could do. Avery was really going to die the way I"d seen it. Forget marrying him or having a baby with him. We could never even be together. Oh G.o.d. My heart sank. I loved him so much already. How was I going to stand being near him knowing he couldn"t be mine? Loving me was literally going to kill him. I blinked away my tears. Please don"t let this be happening. I read through the three rules in the letter one more time and gave it back to Mom.
She wrapped her arms around me, hugging me. I could hardly feel it. She kissed the top of my head. That was it? That was the comforting? The explanation? A frickin" letter and a hug and a kiss and "Sorry Zel, I had to ruin my true love, so you have to ruin yours."
I stared at the cuckoo clock on the wall. It was going to go off soon.
"You knew about Erin?" I asked, "That she was going to die and you didn"t tell Mrs. Adams? That"s why she doesn"t like you?"
"Yes." Mom said into my hair. "Mike called me one night when I was in St. Louis and told me that Becky was pregnant, that they were getting married. I had the vision then." She kissed my head again. "I saw Avery too...well that there would be an Avery. I was glad for that." She smiled.
"You weren"t mad? At Mrs. Adams, I mean? She was your best friend and she stole your true love."
She shook her head. "I wasn"t mad. It was the best thing that could"ve happened, the two people that I loved the most in the world taking care of each other."
"But they"re not taking care of each other, they"re miserable."
"That is not my fault, although it"s yet another thing Becky blames me for."
If I was Mrs. Adams, I would blame her too. No one is that selfless. "Why did you move back here then?"
She carried on with the story. "After Erin was diagnosed, Mike called again. He"d found a job for your dad at Trinity Lutheran and wanted us to move back here." She studied my face. I gave her nothing.
"I knew they were going to need me, I wanted to be there for both of them, so we moved. But, I waited a while, too long, to tell Becky about the vision and by that point she thought I"d withheld it to get back at her for being with Mike. She"s not going to forgive me." Mom let go of me and sat down at the table.
"You thought telling her was the right thing to do?" I asked.
She shrugged her shoulders. "Well, in retrospect, no. I shouldn"t have told anyone anything. I should have stayed in Missouri and never moved back here. But that"s not what I did and so I deal with what is the best way I know how."
"And you"ve never told Dad?" I looked at the clock again. Three minutes to cuckoo.
Mom sighed. "No. Apart from my lack of judgment in telling Becky, no one knows except for Mike and Aunt Hazel."
She turned the letter in her hands, rubbing it between her fingers. "Do you understand the rules? It"s best to stop this thing with Avery before you get in over your head. Believe me." She brushed my hair back from my face. "I know what happens in the vision isn"t actually going to happen for a long time, but you can"t be too careful."
Two minutes. "Do you still dream about Mr. Adams?"
"Every night. Thank G.o.d." Mom grabbed my hand, transferring her vision of Mr. Adams to me.
I could see everything, like her thoughts were my own. It was awful. Mr. Adams sitting behind a desk, fear in his eyes, the muddled reflection of a woman aiming a gun at him, the bullet wound to his face, Mom standing behind him screaming her head off, the sheer heartbreak of it all. Tears spilled from my eyes. "And you got this vision right away? When you and Mr. Adams started...dating?"
She shook her head. "No. It took three years." Tears started running down her face too. She blinked them back. "I thought I wasn"t going to have visions. I got the first one right after he proposed marriage to me. That"s why it was particularly painful to let him go. Why I had to get out of Rosedell." She balled her fists, digging her nails into her palms.
"I know better than anyone Zel, what it feels like, how much you must already love him, but please, please save Avery"s life. It hasn"t been easy for me and it won"t be for you, but the sacrifice is worth it."
Dad strolled down the hall singing. He knocked twice on my bedroom door on his way to the kitchen. "Morning has bro-ken, like the first more-ha-horn-nin."
"Cuck-coo! Cuck-coo!"
I got up from the table in a daze, Mom grabbed my wrist, "You will find someone else to be happy with."
I pulled from her, mumbling, "I have to get ready for school." I rubbed the tears from my eyes and attempted to smile at Dad.
"Everything okay in here ladies?" he said. He stood before the open refrigerator, examining its contents.
Mom slipped her mother"s letter into her robe pocket and went back to making coffee. "Girl stuff, I"ve got it under control."
"Ah." Dad loaded up his arms with a carton of eggs, a bag of cheddar cheese, some deli ham, and some chives. He turned to me. "Omelet?"
"Yes, please," I said. With a side of denial.
Chapter Seven.