The lobby smelled like cigarettes and beer. We could hear yelling and gla.s.s clinking in the bar behind us through the swinging doors, like the kind of doors in a western movie except for made of metal. The carpet was black with giant red flowers, and had a dirty crusty part right outside the bar doors and a worn-out-carpet path going from the outside door to the front desk.
I looked around while Mum did the talking at the front desk. The bar doors smashed open and a skinny guy, kind of like the guy who sold me the Christmas tree, tripped out and sloshed his beer, yelling over his shoulder at the bar, "Oh yeah, eh, well f.u.c.k you too, buddy, and your f.u.c.kin" cat, y"f.u.c.kin" ..." He laughed himself into a cough and said, "s.h.i.t, I got beer up my nose," and swung his head around, whacking it into the door. "Ah s.h.i.t, man, my f.u.c.kin" head!" He looked at me. "Good thing I"m p.i.s.sed or it"d hurt like h.e.l.l," and he cough-laughed again, and rubbed his cheek and looked around the lobby. "This isn"t the f.u.c.kin" can-hey man, where"s the can?"
The desk-guy looked up from where Mum was filling out a card. "Look. Don"t come out here with your beer, it"s illegal. Go back in the bar," and he took the card and handed Mum the room key. He changed his voice to nicer when he said, "It"s number two-twenty-three and the doors lock automatically. You can take those stairs up."
The drunk guy was still standing in the door with his hand inside his rumply shirt. "Hey a.s.shole, I didn"t come out here t" drink, for f.u.c.ksake-I wanna take a p.i.s.s and you"re talkin" about drinkin"! Well, s"cuse me in front of the kid, but f.u.c.k you," and he giggled and shook his head and took an imaginary hat off at Mum and me and backed into the bar.
We went up the stairs, down the hall. The wallpaper was glued tight on the walls, no coming-loose parts, just yellow and brown splotches. The carpet was green; there was a dresser and a bed covered with a gold bedspread that looked like it used to be some drapes.
Mum threw her purse and our tote bag on the floor and looked around. I went to the blinds and banged and clanged them to the side so I could look down at the street.
"Grace, get out of there! Don"t stand in the window like that, OK."
I banged back out. "Why?"
"Just-It"s better not to." She was standing by the door, trying to wiggle the back of a chair under the doork.n.o.b. It was too short. Her eyes went around until they stopped on something bigger. "Here, come help me with the dresser." She pushed our stuff on the floor and started nudging the dresser out from the wall.
"Why? What are we doing?"
"Putting it in front of the door-give me a hand."
"Why?"
"Because. Because-because-because, because of the wonderful things he does."
"What?" I figured so Child Protection couldn"t break in, so I pushed the dresser hard as I could.
"Because this is what you do in an eleven-dollar-a-night hotel."
I remembered about the drunk guy downstairs and looked for more furniture.
When all the chairs and end tables and stuff were piled on, I asked if we were going to move the bed.
"Uh, no. I think that"s enough."
""K. Now what? There"s no TV."
"I don"t know. Let"s get ready for bed and play Twenty Questions or I Spy or something."
Eilleen Thirteen.
DECEMBER 1974.
ALMOST SEVEN A.M., according to your watch. Still dark out. Grace is sleeping. You"re not. Not that you did at any point, just lay on your back listening for footsteps of cops, social workers or rapists, because that"s what you do when you and your baby are holed up in an eleven-dollar fleabag.
All night you"ve been running scenarios. You"ve pondered the interior, running to Kamloops or Penticton. But what"s the coast for, if not stowing away on ships, floating to Hawaiian islands, floating ... Tried to fall asleep floating on breath last night. No dice. Imagined them banging on the door of your apartment. Mrs. Hoffman, we know you"re in there. Same words, different faces.
Is this rock bottom? The one they yammer on about, the one you hit and float from, ears popping, lungs exploding, busting a new gla.s.sy surface, a new woman crashing out of the water towards the light, the sun that finally came up?
Must be. Must be, because it makes no sense to keep running. Makes no G.o.dd.a.m.n sense unless you plan to go through this again, run again to hear about yet another door they"ve banged their heads against looking for you and your kid. Keep running and they"ll grab her in mid-stride when you"re least expecting.
You"ve broken the surface, now get back to sh.o.r.e. Go and get your feet planted; you need roots; you need roots so deep, they can yank till their teeth ache.
Your daughter"s kid-plump mouth takes air in and out. Her baby skin looks like a word could pierce it. If you don"t give her this, if you don"t give you this, what good"s it all, anyway?
Sit up. Breathe. Breathe deep and feel your lungs explode, feel the sun make your cheeks rise like dough. Swim for it.
You get dressed and Grace lifts her head, mumbling at you. Go back to sleep, angel, I"m just going to the store to get us some juice.
She looks to the furniture piled against the door and at the ceiling, asks the time, rolls over, rolls back, asks, Can I "ave orange juice? and, um ... But she can"t think through the haze.
I"ll get us something. I"ll be right back, and you start taking down the barricade.
The next thing you know, you are in front of a pay phone, the dime has dropped and someone groggy picks up on the second ring.
Hi. It"s Eilleen Hoffman. OK. I"ve given this some thought and were going home. Grace stays with me, that"s the deal. You"re not taking her back there. You can send social workers every day if you want, to monitor the situation, I don"t care, but she stays with me. If anything happens, if you try to take her, we"ll just run and you"ll never hear from us again. So. There. That"s my offer.
There"s a sleep breath on the other end. A tongue cluck. Todd Baker says, OK, Eilleen.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS.
I would like to express my eternal grat.i.tude to the wonderful women who, as both friends and editors, believed in me from the start, encouraged me, pushed me along, and without whom I would have been lost. In order of their appearance: Susan Musgrave (for your philanthropy and jolt of courage), Rhea Tregebov (for your endless generosity and continued status as Deadeye Tregebov), Maya Mavjee (for helping me cut to the chase), Sarah Davies (for your provocation and nurturing hand) and Anne Collins (for taking a chance).
To Irene Livingston and Lenore Wildeman for your inspiration, love and experience, I thank you. To Ken Kirzinger for your all-encompa.s.sing love and your generous heart.
Thanks also to Melinda Menkley at the Ministry of Social Services, the staff at the Addiction Research Foundation in Toronto, the staff at the Metropolitan Toronto Reference Library and the Vancouver Public Library, David Franco for touring me through Vancouver General Hospital, the congregation at the Tsawwa.s.sen Kingdom Hall of Jehovah"s Witnesses, and the members of various Alcoholics Anonymous centres who graciously shared their knowledge, literature and memories with me.
For their support, I am grateful and indebted to the Banff Centre for the Arts, the UCROSS Foundation, the Money for Women/Barbara Deming Memorial Fund, and the Canada Council for the Arts for both the now-defunct Explorations Program and the Grants to Professional Writers Program. And, finally, thanks to the Writers Union of Canada for its Mentorship Program and commitment to fostering novice writers. Were it not for the Union I would not have had the privilege of working with my mentor, Sandra Birdsell, who not only gave me encouraging critique, but took the time to teach me about the business of being a writer.
VINTAGE CANADA EDITION, 2000.
Copyright 1999 by Billie Livingston All rights reserved under International and Pan American copyright conventions. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by a reviewer, who may quote brief pa.s.sages in a review.
Published in Canada by Vintage Canada, a division of Random House of Canada Limited. First published in Canada by Random House Canada, Toronto, in 1999. Distributed by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto.
Vintage Canada and colophon are trademarks of Random House of Canada Limited.
Portions of this novel first appeared in the following periodicals: sub-Terrain, Grain, Imago (Australia), TickleAce, The Capilano Review and The Malahat Review.
Canadian Cataloguing in Publication Data.
Livingston, Billie, 1965.
end.