"Gentlemen, gentlemen!" Kezzy interrupted. "There"s only one fair way to settle such disputes." She took out a coin and flipped it.
"Tails!" the bartender yelled.
"Tails, you win, Henry!" Kezzy announced.
Mole Face frowned.
"Miss Kezzy?" I asked. "What were you flipping the coin over?"
"Well, Ann, are you sure you want to know?"
"Yeah."
"The loser gets you."
I really appreciated that.
"But, but, Miss Kezzy?" Hannah asked. "These men are really old. Men this old can"t get erections, can they?"
"Yeah," I whispered. "Ain"t no way they"ll get their d.i.c.ks hard."
"Oh, is that so, Ann?" Kezzy snipped at me. "Dr. Willet is eighty-six years old, yet he got his d.i.c.k hard, did he not? Hard enough to stick up your a.s.s?"
"Well, yeah, Miss Kezzy, but-"
"And you can thank pharmacological science for that," and then she pointed to the bar where the three old f.u.c.ks were clinking their beer gla.s.ses together, then chuckling as they all popped blue, oval-shaped pills.
"v.i.a.g.r.a!" Kezzy exclaimed.
"Great," I sputtered. "That"s just f.u.c.kin" great..."
The bartender pulled his pants down and sat bare-a.s.sed on the bar. "Step right up heer, you big honey-pie," he said to Hannah, "and start talkin" tew the Captain." The guy was already half hard just looking at Hannah, but Hannah looked like she was about to croak. "Oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d!" she shrieked.
"Just do it, Hannah," I said. "Get it over with," and then I turned to Mole Face and sighed. The fat f.u.c.k was sitting on his barstool with his d.i.c.k out. That ancient d.i.c.k was bad enough but his moles grossed me out even more. They looked like a bunch of Sugar Babies sticking out of his face.
"No offense, fat-stuff," he said, "I mean abaout the coin toss. I like a woman with some meat on her bones but, shee-it, not thet much meat."
"Thanks a lot," I said.
He flapped his d.i.c.k a couple times and it started to get hard but then I thoughta"holy motherf.u.c.king s.h.i.ta""cos that"s when I saw the he had moles on his c.o.c.k too.
But Mercy screamed.
The skeleton a" Nahum a" was sitting in a chair, kind of clucking like a rooster, and he"d taken his pants all the way off. His f.u.c.kin" legs were like white broomsticks, I kid you not. It was easy to see what Mercy was screaming about. This guy, he was pulling a full b.o.n.e.r that was almost as big as Zenas"s, and his bag was sagging halfway to the floor with nuts in it like a couple of baby fists. Just seeing this corpse-skinny old withered skull-faced cretin with that big hard-on sticking up was terrifying.
"Mercy, you"ve never blown a guy before, have you?"
"No!" she shrieked.
"Well, first of all, you don"t blow into it a"and don"t ask me why they call it a "b.l.o.w.j.o.b" "cos I don"t know. You just kind of get your mouth spitty inside, then slide it over his p.e.c.k.e.r and move your lips up and down over it, and you suck while you"re doing it. It"s easy."
"No, it"s not!" G.o.d, she had an annoying shriek. "It"s a sin!"
Here we go with that again. "It"s not a sin, Mercy, and here"s why. Because you"re not doing it as an act of l.u.s.t. l.u.s.t is the sin, right?"
"Well...yeah."
"You"re doing it so you can get into the sorority, and if you get into the sorority, then you will improve as a person. And if you improve as a person, then you improve as a Christian. Right?"
It was just some B.S. right off the top of my head, but she kind of fidgeted, and peeped, "Well, I never thought of it that way before."
"So just do it. We"re all going to do it. It"s for a greater good."
"Well said, Ann," Kezzy approved.
"Come on, Slim!" the skeleton cackled. "Quit"cher girlie-talk and get tew suckin" on this heer meat-pole!"
I patted her on the shoulder. Then she walked over, got down on her knees, and got to it.
Hannah was already going a mile a minute, and her guy was making noises like a cowboy at a rodeo. Mole Face grinned and flexed his b.o.n.e.r for me. f.u.c.k. I just leaned over and started sucking.
It was awful, pathetic, and ridiculous: three 19-year-old girls blowing really old men. Of course, my guy"s crotch stunk, but by then I was cauterized to it. After the tongue baths? s.h.i.t. "Durn, fat-stuff, what yew en"t got in looks yew shuhly make up fer in d.i.c.k-suckin"." With every stroke my lips b.u.mped over the moles, and when his b.a.l.l.s started to bunch up, the moles on his sack stuck out more, like big ticks.
"Ee-yuh, ee-yuh, ee-yuh," the skeleton was grunting.
The bartender was hooting "Suck thet d.i.c.k, suck it!"
My guy was holding my head. "This heer fat "un"s one hail of a f.u.c.k-face! Go, fat-stuff! Go!"
Five minutes went by, then ten.
Then fifteen.
These old f.u.c.ks may have had full b.o.n.e.rs but they sure as s.h.i.t weren"t getting off. Five more minutes after that, my f.u.c.kin" mouth was starting to hurt.
Finally, the bartender banged both fists on the bar and cracked, "Theeeeeer"s the d.i.c.k-snot, honey! Theeeeeeeer it is!" and then Hannah lifted her head off his crotch, stood in shock a moment, and gulped it down.
"Git it, fat-stuff!" Mole Face was huffing, and I was pretty close to snapping from that "fat-stuff" crack. You can only s.h.i.t on fat people so long before they just say to h.e.l.l with it.
"You should consider yourself honored," Kezzy said behind me. "Albert is a combat veteran of the European Theater. He fought the Germans during the Allied invasion."
I didn"t know s.h.i.t about the Civil War, but all I could think was, Well then it"s too bad the f.u.c.kin" Germans didn"t KILL the a.s.shole, because if he says "fat-stuff" one more time, I just might pop his old b.a.l.l.s and bite his c.o.c.k clean off.
Eventually he came too, "oozing" more than "shooting" I guess whatever kind of sperm-pump a guy"s got must wear out when they get this old. One, two, three, I thought, then grimaced, then let it slide down my throat.
"Suck and swallow, girls, suck and swallow," Kezzy was saying. "That"s the Alpha House Pledge Credo. Remember, there"s no spitting in Alpha House. Ladies don"t spit. They swallow."
Terrific.
But ten minutes later, Mercy still hadn"t gotten the skeleton off. Her head wagged up and down, black hair flapping like bat wings. Eventually, she stopped, looked up in a horrified daze, and wailed, "It"s not happening! He"s never gonna, gonna a" "
"Shoot his load?" Kezzy said with a giant smile. "Get his nut?"
"Wal, now, Slim, yew young "uns gots ta have patience. Juss yew git back ta suckin" an" I"ll kick out the snot in no time. "No-ther ten, twenny minutes, I "spose. No big deal."
It was a big deal. "f.u.c.k that s.h.i.t," I said. "We"re not waiting that longa"Mercy, spit on your finger and stick it up his a.s.s while you"re sucking."
Her eyes almost popped out. "I"m not doing that! It"s, it"s dirty. My finger"ll have his p.o.o.p on it!"
"For s.h.i.t"s sake!" I stomped over, spat on her finger and a"
"Ooo, ee-yuh. Thet theer"s the ticket," the old crank chuckled.
a" slipped it up his a.s.s.
" Very resourceful, Ann," Kezzy complimented.
Mercy about screamed but I was so sick of this s.h.i.t that I grabbed her head and pushed her mouth back down of the codger"s hard-on. Then I started pumping her head like it was a bicycle pump. "Now, suck, Mercy! And wiggle your finger around! s.h.i.t, we"ll be older than he is by the time you"re done fooling around!"
Mercy was gagging, but I didn"t care. She had to learn, and I was gonna help her. In another minute, the old stick started squirming, his lips stuck out like fish lips, and he goes, "Aw, eeeeeeeee-YUH! Heer she goes!"
Mercy looked like someone put a pitchfork in her back when the guy came in her mouth. She actually slammed back on the floor, popping her brown finger out, and when she started crying, the old f.u.c.ker"s load spilled out of her mouth.
Kezzy crossed her arms, doing that foot-tapping thing of hers. "I see that Mercy doesn"t remember her Pledge Credo, hmm? Suck and swallow?"
"Huh?"
"You let the guy"s nut fall out of your mouth!" I bellowed. "You"re supposed to swallow!"
Kezzy nodded. "And I can only think of one way to rectify the matter."
"You"re gonna have to eat his c.u.m off the floor, Mercy," I told her. "Otherwise, she"ll kick you out."
Mercy looked delirious, which I think was pretty understandable. "Huh? Eat?"
I grabbed her head, pushed her face to the floor. "Just do it, Mercy! Then it"ll all be over and we can go!"
I guess it was pretty cruel of me to force her to eat this old a.s.shole"s load off the floor, but the only reason I was doing it was to keep her in the sorority. And I gotta hand it to the guy a" for someone older than Moses a"he popped out a lot of c.u.m.
Mercy gagged. Mercy convulsed. She got up two licks, but then that was it for her. She flopped over and pa.s.sed out.
Kezzy looked down at the remaining splats of sperm. She shook her head. "That"s a shame. I was actually rooting for her."
"Oh, come on, Miss Kezzy! Don"t kick her out just "cos of that," I begged the b.i.t.c.h. "She got some of it up."
"Some, I"m afraid, isn"t enough. Mercy has failed this phase of her hazing. She"s out."
"But she tried!" I yelled. "It"s not her fault she got so grossed out she lost f.u.c.kin" consciousness!" An idea flashed. "Wait! Miss Kezzy, please. If I lick up the rest, will you let her stay?"
Tap-tap-tap-tap. "Yet another demonstration of your character, Ann. That"s what Alpha House is all about. Very well. Your sacrifice is her gain."
"Wow, Ann!" Hannah exclaimed. "You"re hardcore!"
Yeah, I guess I f.u.c.kin" am, I thought and then clunked down and licked that ancient s.h.i.t-head"s j.i.z.z right off the dirty floor. It"s bad enough getting it straight from the tap, but this way? f.u.c.k. It"s like licking it up after a redneck hocks a loogie on the floor, only this loogie happened to come out of his d.i.c.k. That"s what I kept thinking while I was doing it.
Charming.
"Holy jumpin" horse feathers!" Henry the barkeep said when I was done. He was leaning over the skeleton and had a finger to his neck.
"Say it en"t so!" cried Mole Face.
"Nahum"s shuh as hail up"n had a heart attack! He"s dead!" He p.r.o.nounced "heart" as hot, and "dead" as dee-ed.
One good look at the guy said it all. He was out for eternity and already turning whiter than he normally was. Big smile on his face, though.
"Thet skinny gal done sucked ole Nahum to death!"
"Wal, he did have hisself a bad ticker."
"Oh my G.o.d, oh my G.o.d!" Hannah shrieked. "It"s murder!"
I smirked. "Don"t be a dope, Hannah. It"s his own fault, willful negligence or death by misadventure or some s.h.i.t."
"Sounds like perhaps a pre-law curriculum might be in order for you," Kezzy said, laughing.
"Yeah, a pretty good rule of thumb is don"t put your d.i.c.k in a 19-year-old"s mouth when you"ve got a heart condition and are pushing f.u.c.kin" ninety." I sneered at the old f.u.c.k. "f.u.c.k him. Looks to me like he"s been alive ten years too long anyway. No f.u.c.kin" wonder Social Security is running out of money a"too many withered old f.u.c.ks like him still walking the earth."
Kezzy"s mouth fell open. "Ann, your cynicism knows no bounds. You"re completely bereft of compa.s.sion for the elderly."
"f.u.c.k the elderly, and f.u.c.k him. We did the job, so let"s get out of here."
Me and Hannah dragged Mercy out to the Rolls and stuffed her in back. Zenas was chuckling. "d.a.m.n, what a day," I mumbled.
"I"se bet it was!" Zenas honked.
"I think that guy in the cowboy hat was deliberately trying to rupture my tonsils," Hannah said. She made a smacking sound. "Anda" jeez! a" I hate the taste of sperm!"
"I gotta a feeling we need to stock up on a lot of Listerine this week," I said.
Kezzy got back in. "I"m very proud of you girls, you especially, Ann. Going the extra mile will always serve you in life."
Zenas started the car and began to pull out, but then I jumped up. ""Zenas! Hold up a sec! There"s something I gotta do!" and then I got out and jogged across the lot. See, one of the old beat-to-s.h.i.t cars there had a b.u.mper sticker that read I WAS ON OMAHA BEACH. I got in, pulled my pants down, and took a nice yogurty s.h.i.t in the front seat, then I wrote a note in the cigarette film on the windshield, COMPLIMENTS OF FAT-STUFF.
After that, I felt much better.
When Mercy woke up, we didn"t tell her that her b.l.o.w.j.o.b had f.u.c.kin" killed the skeleton-looking guy. She was enough of a head-case. "I can"t believe I pa.s.sed!" she said.
"You can thank Ann for that," Kezzy said, and then she explained how I"d done the clean-up job.