a" stomped on his head and slammed it back against the floor. That f.u.c.ker wouldn"t be raping anyone.
But you know how rednecks are. A little scuffle turns into a big scuffle, and next thing I know, Hannah"s fighting with some meth-head chick, and I"ve got two girls pulling my hair and throwing punches at me. Most of the punches missed "cos they were so f.u.c.ked up on drugs and booze, but still. I didn"t really need this after blowing a whole bar full of rednecks.
"Chick-fight! Chick-fight! Chick-fight!" everyone started yelling.
"That was my sister you kicked, you fat b.i.t.c.h!" this one hose-bag yells and tries to choke me. I looked over and saw Hannah"s b.o.o.bs flopping up and down while she had two more skinny b.i.t.c.hes in headlocks. When she banged their heads together, they were both out like lights.
It was f.u.c.kin" crazy. Everybody was fighting. Now the place looked like one of those dumba.s.s pro wrestling matches where everybody"s in the ring at once. But most of the chicks were coming for me. First, another meth-head girl started slapping at my fat, and a"ooo-I didn"t like that s.h.i.t, so I bit her on the nose and slammed her head down into my knee, but then this other b.i.t.c.h with, like, blond hair streaked with purple the color of grape Kool-Aid and a"would you believe it? a"skull tattoos, she pulls a knife on me. "My boyfriend Jory said you give better head than me, you fat b.i.t.c.h! Fat, fat, fat! Well, I"m gonna cut me some fat now!"
Remember when I said you can only f.u.c.k with fat people so long before they lose it? Well, I lost it. I grabbed the hooker"s wrist, broke it against a table till she dropped the knife, then threw all my weight into her. It was like a Mack Truck running down a stop sign. I tackled her and when we were going down, she cracked her head against the edge of the bar. Out like a light.
But that wasn"t enough for me. I hauled her over the bar belly-down and pulled up her s.k.a.n.ky redneck jeans skirt. The "ho wasn"t even wearing panties, but that worked out better. "Hannah! Come over here and spread this b.i.t.c.h"s cheeks!" I yelled.
Hannah lumbered over, huffing and puffing. "What are you gonna do?"
"Just do it!" I grabbed the soda gun from behind the bar and when Hannah pulled her b.u.t.t-cheeks open, I popped the nozzle into her a.s.shole and filled the b.i.t.c.h up with Diet Pepsi.
"Wow, that"s neat!" Hannah squealed.
Yeah. It was neat, all right. Real neat.
But it was that move that did it. Everybody was going even more psycho now a"it was a total free-for-all. Dudes were fighting dudes, chicks were fighting chicks, some chicks were fighting dudes and winning a" even the old bartender was bopping people on the head with a broom. Gla.s.ses and bottles were flying, girls" tops were ripped off, tables were being crushed flat. "We gotta get out of here, Hannah!" I yelled. "This is turning into a redneck riot!"
We grabbed our clothes and were about to scoot, but then Hannah asked, "Wait a minute! Where"s Kezzy?"
It was a good question "cos I didn"t see her, but then I looked into the billiard room...
"Holy s.h.i.t!"
Jethro and Willie were mauling Kezzy on the pool table. One had her top pulled down and was motorboating between her b.o.o.bs, and the other guy was yanking her panties off.
"Stop that!" I screamed. I grabbed Willie by the hair but he just put his hand in my face and shoved me away. I landed on a table and crushed it flat. Hannah helped me up. "We have to get Zenas!" but before we could even get to the front door a"
The front door kicked down.
The fighting stopped like a freeze-frame, and the whole bar was silent. Then Zenas walked in.
If you thought the uproar was bad before, that was nothing compared to this. When these rednecks got a load of Zenas standing there in his maid"s suit, they started laughing so hard I thought the ceiling was gonna collapse. But the best part was... they weren"t laughing for long.
Zenas kicked off his size-13 pumps, then grabbed Willie and in, like, one second, turned him upside-down, dropped him on his head, and karate-chopped his crotch all in one motion. Even if the guy didn"t fracture his skull, he"d never have kids, which was a good thing "cos they"d all be meth-babies anyway. Jethro stood a head taller than Zenas and was even more muscular, but when he slammed his fist into Zenas"s face a"
Nothing happened.
Zenas just smiled and tossed the guy out the window.
There were still ten or fifteen guys in the bar, though, and these guys were tough, but it didn"t matter, two against one, three against one, four a"s.h.i.t. Zenas beat the living s.h.i.t out of all of them. It was like watching a saloon fight in an old John Wayne western flick, only in this case John Wayne was dressed like a f.u.c.kin" French maid. In ten minutes, every dude in the place was out cold.
"Jeez, Zenas," I said. "You"re a one-man a.s.s-kicking crew."
"Wal, naow, sumtimes a man"s gotta take the boys ta school, yew know? En"t new big deel."
We found Kezzy at the bar. She was handing the bartender a stack of cash. "For the damage, Mr. Whipple. And thank you for accommodating us."
"Always a pleasure," the old crank said.
We headed for the door but, just my luck, another redneck chick with skull tattoos staggers up to me and Hannah and says, "You two fat pieces of s.h.i.t get out"a heer, and don"t"jew never come back! You en"t nothin" but a coupla wh.o.r.es, a coupla big, fat Wh.o.r.eS!" and the crocked floozy p.r.o.nounced "wh.o.r.es" as hoo-ers.
"Yew"re daddy must"a had dogs.h.i.t on his d.i.c.k when he knocked yer mamma up with yew," Zenas said and a"
POW!.
a" socked both of his fists into her eyes and sent her flying. She landed on a table and, of course, crushed it flat. Even before she landed, her eyes were puffed closed, and a bunch of crystal meth flew out of her purse when she hit.
Zenas put his arms around our shoulders and led us out. "Curn"t have no white trash talkin" bad to Alpha House gals, new suh."
Wow. What a cool guy.
We got our clothes back on but before I got back in the car, I noticed Jethro a"the two-holera"lying out cold in the parking lot.
WHAM!.
I kicked him in the d.i.c.k so hard my foot hurt.
Kezzy frowned at me. "Ann? Why did you do that?"
"Um, well, Miss Kezzy, I did it because I felt like it."
She winked and smiled. "The honest answer is always the only answer. Good girl."
Then we were out of there. I"d have a couple bruises tomorrow, but nothing was broken I didn"t think. In all that commotion, though, me and Hannah had forgotten that we"d just blown every guy in a crowded bar. I know it"s all f.u.c.ked up but...you know?
How many girls can say they"ve done that?
"Well, ladies. Congratulations are certainly in order. You"ve both pa.s.sed your Rednecking initiation with flying colors." She flipped through a little notepad. "I"m sure you were both so focused on your tasks that it didn"t occur to you to keep a tally, so I kept one for you. Hmm, let"s see." She was counting sets of crossed out lines in the notebook. "Well, Hannah, you did wella" you blew fifty nine men todaya" but I"m afraid Ann"s bested you considerably..."
I gulped.
She stared at me with her perfect f.u.c.kin" blond eyebrows raised. "Ann. I"m flabbergasted. You may find it gratifying to know that when I was a pledge, I racked up ninety-nine, but you, Ann? You?" She nodded at me, the way a father would nod at his son when he hit a home run in Boy"s Club. "Today you performed the act of f.e.l.l.a.t.i.o...one hundred and eleven times. Give yourself a pat on the back! You"ve set the Alpha House record!" then everybody started clapping.
How do you like that? For the first time in my life, I finally won something.
A redneck c.o.c.k-chugging contest.
I just kind of sat back and sighed, feeling d.a.m.n good. I couldn"t wait to get back to the house but when I looked out the Rolls" window I saw that we were heading east.
Away from the house.
"Miss Kezzy? Where are we going now?"
"Don"t sit too snugly on your high horses, girls. You both know that there are two initiations per day."
Hannah and I gaped at each other. "You mean we have to blow more guys somewhere else?" I croaked.
Kezzy pulled something out of a bag up front. "As is often the case in life, there"s good news and there"s bad news. The good news is that, no, you won"t have to blow any more men tonight..."
Then she handed us each a tube of something, like the same size of a tube of toothpaste. Me and Hannah squinted at the tubes to read the labels.
"Oh, noooooooo," Hannah moaned.
The tubes read a.n.a.l EASE.
Kezzy"s face was all lit up. "The bad news is, tonight you"re going Basketball Playering..."
Arkham"s where we went, another three f.u.c.kin" hour drive, and me and Hannah were practically s.h.i.tting our pants the whole way. Basketball Playering.
For f.u.c.k"s sake...
It was Miskatonic University we were headed to, some place, Kezzy said, called Gilman Field House, which I guess was the place they played in. Hannah cried a lot, and all I could do was hope that she didn"t fold like Mercy. I didn"t know much about basketball but I did know that the college seasons didn"t start till, like, November or December and, s.h.i.t, cla.s.ses hadn"t even officially started yet, but then Kezzy reminded me that the teams always started practicing early. Then I tried to argue with the b.i.t.c.h.
"Miss Kezzy? College basketball players are jocks, they"re studs. Guys like that go out with the best-looking girls on the campus. They aren"t gonna want to b.u.t.t-f.u.c.k a couple of fat dogs like me and Hannah."
"Yeah!" Hannah sniffled.
Kezzy was fussing with her lashes. "Ordinarily, no, they wouldn"t a"not in a million years. But since I"ll be paying them each a hundred dollars, believe me, they"ll be more than happy to oblige just like they do every year."
How"s that for a kick in the a.s.s?
It was dark by the time we got to the basketball court. We could hear the echoes of b.a.l.l.s bouncing and guys hooting from inside. "They"re at least gonna use rubbers, right, Miss Kezzy?" I asked.
She and Zenas honked laughter.
When we parked, Kezzy said, "Here we are, ladies." Hannah just sat there, kind of squished back in the seat, hugging herself.
"I can"t do it," she droned.
"Bulls.h.i.t, Hannah! Don"t turn into a baby now!"
She started blubbering. "I can"t, I can"t! It"s just...too much"
I grabbed her and shook her. "We"re not p.u.s.s.ying out like Mercy! We"re going the whole nine yards! Do you wanna think that you sucked off fifty-nine rednecks for nothing?"
She looked at me and gulped. "No..."
"Then come on." I tried to sound upbeat. "Don"t worry, this"ll be a breeze. There"s only five guys on a basketball team, so what"s the big deal? Look, you take two, I"ll take three. Okay?"
"Oh, well... That doesn"t sound so bad."
Kezzy kept laughing when she took us into the field house, and I found out why once inside. Turns out there"s twenty-five guys on a basketball team. "The first string," Kezzy explained, "the second string, the backups, the subst.i.tutes." And leave it to that f.u.c.kin" evil b.i.t.c.h, she even cut in the towel boys, the managers, and the f.u.c.kin" head coach! There was even some dude jumping around in a big fluffy bullfrog suit a" he was the mascot or some s.h.i.t.
"Oh, f.u.c.k," I said. Hannah about pa.s.sed out.
The short version? None of these guys were short, and I"m not just talking height. On their knees they were taller than us. But when we walked onto the court, they were all cracking up and hollering so loud you"d think they had a championship game going on, and when they pulled their shorts down and hauled off their jock-straps?
I mean, there was not one single kid on the team who wasn"t hung.
"Just keep your mind blank, Hannah," I egged on. "We"re gonna do this, and we"re gonna get out of here," but when Kezzy said, "Okay, girls, off with your clothes," I pitched a fit right back in her face. "Why, Miss Kezzy? We always gotta strip, and that ain"t right! Can"t we at least leave our tops on?"
"No," she said.
"Why?"
"Because I said so, Ann. Don"t disappoint me."
"But it"s like you"re rubbing it in! Having to do it"s bad enough! Try being fat and having to take all your clothes off in front of a basketball court full of good-looking guys!"
She crossed her arms and got back to that foot-tapping thing. "It"s necessary for you to be totally naked because it makes the element of debas.e.m.e.nt more polarizing."
"Debas.e.m.e.nt! Great! That"s what this s.h.i.t"s all really about, isn"t it?"
"If you believe that, Ann, then you can go wait in the car and leave the house when we get back. Is that what you"d prefer? Hmm?"
I really hated those hmms.
"No, Miss Kezzy." I looked and saw all those college kids forming two lines at the foul line, and a lot of "em were already hard just from thinking about how great it was gonna be to dump a load up a fat girl"s a.s.s. Eight, nine inches a lot of them looked. But when I saw one dude with a b.o.n.e.r even bigger than Zenas"s, I pitched another fit. "They"re f.u.c.kin" hung like dump trucks! It"ll be like sticking Lincoln Logs into Tinker Toy holes! At least pull the huge guys out of line! They"ll f.u.c.kin" rupture our colons!"
Kezzy just stared at me, blank-faced.
"Come on," I said to Hannah and took her out onto the court. We gave each other a squirt of the a.n.a.l Ease, got on our hands and knees, and then I yelled, "Bring it on, jocks!"
There"s no reason to describe the rest of this horror show. All I"ll say is me and Hannah each took it up the a.s.s from over twenty young, h.o.r.n.y, big-d.i.c.ked college athletes. After about the first five we couldn"t even stay on our hands and knees anymore so we just lay there on our bellies holding hands while the jocks put the blocks to our b.u.t.ts. Naturally, the dude with the d.i.c.k bigger than Zenas got in my line; it felt like he was stuffing a pack of polenta up my a.s.s. And I was lucky enough to get Coach Armitage, and the f.u.c.ker was old so, of course, it took him ten or so minutes just to come. After a bunch of guys were done, they jogged to the other end of the court and started shooting hoops again. It was so rude. If you"re gonna dump a load up my a.s.s, at least say, "Have a nice day" when you"re finished.
When every body"d gotten their nut, I lay there with my cheek pressed to the floor and I could hear Kezzy"s heels echoing toward us. "There"s only one left, ladies, so you know what that means. Coin toss. Ann? Call it."
"Heads," I mumbled, drooling.
The coin clinked on the court. "Tails. You lose."
Naturally.
But when I heard that last guy walking up, all the other guys on the court started howling laughter and high-fiving, so I looked over my shoulder and saw that it was that doofus mascot in the fluffy frog suit. The motherf.u.c.ker didn"t even take off the suit to cornhole me, he just pulled his d.i.c.k out a hole in the front and went to town.
"Good news, girls," Kezzy said a couple minutes later. "You"re done. Congratulations."
"Hannah, are you still alive?" I slurred.
"I-I don"t know..."