He proceeded two steps down the companion; then hurled this parting shot at the offending mate:
"You oughter be "ead of a laundry where the "andle of the mangle turns a pianer-horgan as well--work and play!" he concluded scornfully, as he disappeared from the musician"s sight below.
The mate whistled softly; then he stopped the offending instrument and conveyed it below.
"P"raps the old man"ll be glad of it, one o" these days," he muttered mysteriously.
The next trip of the _Saucy Sally_ was a more eventful one. She left Tilbury in a light haze, which first thickened into a pale-colored fog, and then, aided by the smoke from the tall chimneys, to a regular "pea-souper." The mate, taking advantage of the Captain"s spell below, brought up a long yard of tin, which looked remarkably like the _Saucy Sally"s_ fog-horn, and quietly slipped it overboard.
As they got lower and lower down the river, the fog increased, and both Cap"n Pigg and Topper experienced a certain amount of anxiety as, first another barge, then a tramp steamer, and finally, a huge liner, all sounding their fog-horns loudly, pa.s.sed them considerably too close for comfort. The Skipper himself was at the wheel and, coughing the raw, damp fog out of his throat, he shouted hoa.r.s.ely to Topper:
"Better get our fog-horn goin", mate."
"Aye, aye, Skipper. It"s in your cabin, ain"t it?"
"Yes, in the first locker."
The mate descended the companion-steps, with a mysterious smile on his face, and his dexter optic closed. The casual observer might have thought that Mr. Topper was actually indulging in a wink.
After a time, he reappeared on deck, walked aft, and said:
"Fog-horn don"t seem nowheres about, Skipper. Thought you always kept her in your charge."
Cap"n Pigg whisked the wheel round just in time to escape a tug, fussing up-stream, and feeling her way through the fog at half-speed, and then he grunted sourly:
"So I do. What the d--delay in findin" it is, I can"t understand. "Ere, ketch "old o" the spokes, and I"ll go; always got to do everything myself on this old tank, seems to me."
And thus grumbling, Cap"n Pigg went below--not altogether unwillingly, as, being a man who understood the importance of economizing time, he combined his search for the fog-horn with the quenching of a highly useful thirst. But when he came on deck again, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he was unaccompanied by the fog-horn.
"Where the blamed thing"s got to, I dunno, more"n the dead. I see it there, myself, not two days ago, but it ain"t nowheres to be found now."
"Rather orkard, Skipper, ain"t it, in all this maze o" shippin"?"
returned Mr. Topper with a half turn at the wheel.
"Yes, I don"t more"n "arf like it," returned the Cap"n uneasily. "My nerves arn"t quite what they was. An" a fog"s a thing as I never could abide."
On glided the _Saucy Sally_, almost the only one on the great water way which spoke not, in the midst of a babel of confusing sounds. Syrens whooped, steam whistles shrieked hoa.r.s.ely; the raucous voices of fog-horns proclaimed the whereabouts of scores of craft, pa.s.sing up and down the river; but the trim-built barge slid noiselessly along, ghost-like, in the dun-colored "smother," giving no intimation of her proximity.
Then it was that Mr. Bob Topper"s moment for action arrived. In casual tones, he observed to the Skipper:
"Pity, we ain"t got something as"ll make a sound o" some kind, so"s to let people know as we "re a-comin"."
Cap"n Pigg said nothing: but the anxiety deepened perceptibly in his face.
"Where the blank blank are yer comin" to?" roared the voice of another bargeman, as, tooting loudly on a fog-horn, one of the "Medway flyers,"
shaved past them.
"Near thing, that," observed the mate, calmly.
Cap"n Pigg went a shade paler beneath the tan on his weather-beaten face.
"Cuss "im! careless "ound!" he muttered. "Might a" sunk us."
""Ad no proper lookout, I expect," returned Mr. Topper, "even if "e "ad, "e couldn"t see anything, and we got no fog-"orn to show "em where we was, yer see."
"No. An" p"raps we shall go to the bottom, all along o" our "aving lost our ole bit o" tin. It"s a orful thing to think of, ain"t it?" said Cap"n Pigg solemnly.
The mate appeared to be in a brown study. Then, as though he had suddenly been inspired, he exclaimed:
"What about the grammarphone, Skipper?"
Even in the midst of his perturbation, Cap"n Pigg looked askance at mention of the hated instrument. But it was a case of "any port in a storm," and, with a grim nod, he relieved the mate at the wheel, and said:
"Fetch the bloomin" consarn up."
Mr. Topper obeyed, with alacrity in his step, and a wink in his eye. The "consarn" was quickly brought on deck, and the "Washington Post" let loose on the astonished ears of fog-smothered mariners, right and left of them.
One old sh.e.l.l-back, coming up river on a Gravesend shrimper, listened in blank astonishment for a minute, and then confided huskily to his mate that he thought their time had come.
""Eavenly, strains! It"s wot they calls "the music o" the spears,"" he said mysteriously, "Hangels" music wot comes just before a bloke"s time"s up. We better prepare for the wust."
His mate, less superst.i.tious and with more common sense, rejoined:
"Garn! "Music o" the spears" be blowed! It"s more like a pianer-horgan or a "urdy-gurdy."
The shrimper glided on, and a tramp steamer, going dead slow, just shaved past the musical barge. Its master roared derisively from the bridge:
""Ullo, barge, ahoy! Wot yer got there? Punch and Judy show aboard?"
Which cost Cap"n Pigg a nasty twinge. He had always prided himself on his seaman-like ways, and to proceed thus, down the great river, like a mountebank, or a c.o.c.kney out on a Bank Holiday, hurt his feelings more than he could say.
Yet another insult was to be hurled at the _Saucy Sally_, for "Jacksonville," with its weird human chorus, having been turned on--when the "Ha! Ha! Ha!" rang out on the ears of a pa.s.sing tug"s captain, that outraged gentleman, thinking he was being personally derided, shouted, as the tide swept them out of sight:
"Yah! "Oo yer larfin" at? Set o" bloomin" monkeys!"
But the gramophone was certainly playing a useful part in warning others off the _Saucy Sally_, down that fog-laden river. And, when, at the end of their day"s slow journey, they let go their anchor, the "Washington Post" was again nasally shrieking out its march-time glories.
The mate stopped the machine and carried it tenderly below, then, returning to the deck, he observed.
"Good job as we "ad the grammarphone aboard, Cap"n."
Cap"n Pigg swallowed a lump in his throat, and looked like a child confronted with a dose of nauseous medicine, as he gruffly replied:
"It"s better n" nothin" when yer wants a row made."
A pause ensued, and then the Skipper went on:
"In future, I don"t object--not very much--to the dammarphone--grammarphone, I mean--If you can stand music, well, so can I. But you can"t contrarst the beauty o" the two instruments, and I"m goin" ash.o.r.e, straight away, to buy myself a good, old-fashioned fog-"orn. The tone of that is altogether more "armonious and more soothin" to the hear, than that there beastly grammarphone ever could be!"