Gomen ne, Onii-sama

Gomen ne, Oniisama Chapter 2 part 6

-Memorial of Spring- After

While we conveyed information, the sun began to descend.
Perhaps realizing that the time left that they could speak privately was almost over, he opened his mouth doubtfully.

“When spring comes, I’ll be going to the battlefield in earnest.”
“Eh?”

By those words, I was startled for a moment.
Although the fighting on the border has intensified in the wake of that battle, it should not yet be at the state of sending our full force yet.
That should be far later in the story.
Even as the enemy begins to research that technology, there’s still a margin in national power between the countries.
It’s another problem.

“If a knight were to go onto the battlefield at the age of sixteen, wouldn’t that be a problem?”
“Training can only go so far. I have learned all I can through studying. What’s left is to go onto the field, whether as a knight or a magician.”
“…is, that so?”

If it was just Atlas’s choice, I would have no problem with it.
However, considering the age of Gil-sama, this is too early.
If he were to take the option of being a magician and earnestly learn magic at this time, would the trusting relationship with Gil-sama be impossible to build?
―amusing. After all, it’s amusing.
The story is completely diverting from the original.

“I think that that thing will definitely be used on this battlefield too.
…..I’ll leave this place to you. But, I still have things I want to say as a knight apprentice.”

His stiff voice pulls me from my thoughts.
Not as a magician, but as an apprentice knight- what could it be?
I stared at his brown eyes, as he spoke while seeming to taste each word carefully.

“I find you unpleasant. Showing off your power, and oppressing the weak.”

His formerly hidden feelings were directly communicated, gouging deep wounds in my heart.
But, this is how【Origa】should be; the only difference is that he’s exposed his thoughts.
It’s because of my own actions. Because of the sins I’ve committed.

“…is it, because of Gilford Ivaris. Or…”
Is it because of the people I baked in that battle?
Whether he guessed my unspoken words, his low voice answered.

“They were problems that could have been solved without sacrifice if you didn’t rush them. Both Gil and that fort.”

If he recognizes my actions towards Gil-sama, that means he’s had a chance to talk to Gil-sama about his origins.
So, that’s why he was so hostile towards me on our first meeting.
I see.
Since more than a year has pa.s.sed since he returned to the last name of Ivaris, it seems he and Atlas formed a relationship to some extent.
Then, that he decided his future so quickly may not be a problem?

“No matter how much time pa.s.ses, it’s impossible that he would become an existence worthy of the Ruzil name. And, that victory, as I mentioned earlier, was partially for my own sake. I used the methods I believed were best.”

“And how many lives could have been saved? You’re just doing what you want and calling it correct.”

His sharp gaze stabbed at me, causing my heart to beat heavily.

Eyes full of righteousness, honest feelings, taking the straight path.
Facing the questions and answers that shouldn’t occur for another few years, that could cause a distortion in the story, my heart becomes cold again- this question-and-answer session with【Origa】should occur just before the destruction of the country.
Impossible. This should be impossible.
Because, I will not aid in the attack on this country.
Yet, there is no clear path that will lead to the best outcome.

But the way【Origa】will answer is already determined.
To answer in any other way, is impossible.

“For me to deny those sacrifices, would it not be blasphemy against the dead? ―My choice is not wrong.”

The commander is the one who should shoulder the sins of their subordinates.
In order to not waste the lives that I already robbed, I must continue to reach ahead to justify my actions.
In order to keep my subordinates from having doubts, I must continue moving forwards.
So, I will not be shaken. I am a villain.
I will not be the weak【me】. I must be【Origa】.
The emotions in my heart, I will not reveal.

“….I am well aware, of how full of idealism my words are. But, I will not forgive you, because I am someone who aspires to become a knight.”

I look away from his gaze, and sigh.
I know it well.
As the villain, my aim and his were different from the beginning. Understanding each other is impossible.
But, what I already knew won’t change anything.
My actions are obvious, even as his harsh gaze causes my heart to hurt.
It may hurt, but that won’t stop time from flowing.
For a villain to calmly be listening to words of condemnation from a hero, such a comical scene would never occur if I was the real【Origa】.

“―But. I understand the position of a magician. It wasn’t just people in the fort that you destroyed….. And, in hindsight, you may have been protecting Gil.”
“Eh..?”
“Considering the way of the Ruzil family, if you didn’t choose to banish Gil from the clan like that, it’s highly likely he would have died.”

Indeed, other than the Ruzil family the other clans are developing on a more liberal path.
Meaning that they will slowly lose the power of magic that is tied to the blood of the family.
The number of magicians that are born will decline quickly, and then magicians will no longer be the main force of this country.
The family head is still bound by bloodline, but other than in the Ruzil family the magicians belonging to the sept can marry freely.
That’s why, in any of the other clans they would have allowed someone like Gil-sama.

But, Gil-sama is a seed of the head of the Ruzil family.

“I… don’t think that you took your actions without any reason. And, I think there were… some circ.u.mstances around Gil. And, in the first place, it’s a problem between you and Gil, not me.”

Hesitantly, with a low voice as if he’s talking to himself, Atlas disrupts my mind.
So, I tried to help Gil-sama― because I love him.¹
And, around me are circ.u.mstances― because I want to live.

―What am【I】thinking?

Causing my emotions to change so drastically.
Disgusting. Dis, gusting.

“So, I apologize. At that time, I said some harsh things. Sorry.”
“I also, did more than was necessary. I apologize.”

I mask my face with a smile to hide my nausea.
Is he speaking to【Origa】or【Me】?
My head empties except for Atlas’s words, spinning around in my head.
Quickly, quickly, I want to finish this conversation.

“And, Gil is doing well with us, so you don’t have to worry about him. Because he has been completely separated from the Ruzil, n.o.body is trying to do anything to him.”
“Even if what you say is true, I am still Gil’s sister.”

I am for Gil-sama, for mother, for the clan, for the magicians.
It’s already enough.
I don’t want to think anymore. No more.

“I know I ruined your reputation at that time. I know that it was the wrong thing to do. Nevertheless, my father… no, I promise that if you trust me then I will repay that trust.”

As I harden my face once again and prepare more words of apology, he speaks again, with a voice that seemed to fade into nothing.

“Can we… become friends?”

―The emotions wriggling deep inside me stopped my movement.

“Friends.”

I speak the word with a dumbfounded voice, and Atlas awkwardly averts his gaze.
The words enter my ears, but the meaning and sound don’t connect in my mind.
He stood there, appearing to have no intention of clarifying his words.

Really, what an absurdly straightforward person.
Because he wants to believe, he believes.
Because he wants to forgive, he forgives.
Because, he wants to be friends.
Like the mindset of a child.
Really, such simple relationships only happen in stories; reality is much uglier. 
I’m not the kind of person that should be one of his friends.
He’s on the list of characters who I should definitely not become friends with.

The various ways I can reply with pa.s.s through my head as I think about what the best response is.
I bring my cup of tea to my mouth to hide my face, and my faintly trembling lips.

“So? I don’t have anything left to say.”
“….I.. it’s the first time I’ve made a friend.”

He was dumbfounded for a moment, and then his mouth opened, and he laughed uncontrollably.
The alarm of reason, that I shouldn’t get close to him, was unable to stop my heart.
―In the future, I would regret ignoring this alarm.

From there, every day was full of small joys.
Marquis Harvester and Atlas visited occasionally, and we had many pointless conversations.
Their presence healed my body and mind, and my magic was certainly stable.
But finally, the return of spring brought with it a return to the defense.

As I prepare to visit the King before returning to the battlefield, I am notified of a visitor.
I enter the parlor in a good mood, and see a woman combing her rich golden hair.
I run to her and hug her while smiling, and she laughs while stroking my coppery hair with pale white hands.

“Mother! It’s been a while. Are you fine without that person?”
“Long time no see, Origa. I came by to say h.e.l.lo because I heard that you would be leaving for the war soon. Because it was too shocking a story, he stayed behind.”

Because I asked father to accompany mother’s medical treatment to keep his influence away, we haven’t really been able to meet.
If I were to visit, the eyes of society would change how they viewed my father.
But, even though she’s sickly and in a position with strong overlap with my previous life, she took good care of me.
I mean, she’s almost―

“Origa?”
“Seeing you, mother, makes me really happy.”
“Oh? I thought you were all grown up, but I guess you’re still a child.”

We continued to exchange banter, speaking of the things that happened to us over the last year.
The meeting with the King after succession, that I asked Keika to escort me, and then met Marquis Harvester, and Atlas refused to dance, and now, he’s my friend.
Remembering the fun memories, I spoke happily as my mother laughed and we conversed for a while.
And hearing stories about failed magic, strange fashions among the n.o.bles, and funny experiences with foreign food, I felt a natural smile come to my face.
Being able to enjoy talking with my mother like this, this is the first time.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you having so much fun.”
“Mother?”

To meet my mother, this is the first time after a year.
Her beauty is the same is it was, as the time comes to speak farewell once again.
She told me not to worry about taking the role of family head from her husband, and that he sent his daughter a hug.
I don’t have words left; she was concerned about me even in this situation.

Being worried about by my mother like this, I don’t remember ever happening in my previous life.
So what?
Part of me is embarra.s.sed about being fussed over like this, another pleased, and another wants to avoid giving her anything else to worry about. And, thinking.
One day,【I】want to do something for this person.

“Because you’re constantly languishing over things, I was worried.”

But, I’ve already made a friend, and she smiled and continued.
While stroking my copper hair, she whispered in a thin voice.

“I’m praying, that you guys can become happy.”

So my mother said with a smile, and I was shaken.
With a fleeting smile on her pale face, aware her time had come, she cast her eyes down.

The funeral of my mother was carried out in the Imperial City.
The King offered flowers, and many n.o.bles followed suit, surrounding her tomb with flowers.
I’m sure she would love it.

I’m sure that I was the only one who didn’t know, that my mother was well liked.
Many people mourned her death as being too soon.
Many people believed she was one of the most beautiful people while she was alive.
Even the King, learning that his relative died, appeared a little thinner, as he stood with a pensive face.

I merely looked silently, and played the role of chief mourner.
People visited one by one, and the voices of those who shed tears pa.s.sed by my ears, one by one.
That all I can do for her is shed tears― it weighs heavily on my neck.

And to tell the truth, I don’t remember much of the day of the funeral.

But, I do remember a little.
As I prayed to the grave of my mother, Atlas visited, along with his father.
The letter he gave me silently, containing words of consolation, was from my brother.

Really, I don’t even know why I remembered such a thing.
When I don’t even remember what it said.

Before I even realized it, I was burning it, and I was unable to read its contents.
I think Father looked at it and said something, but I think that I was laughing?
I don’t remember.
….I strongly feel that I didn’t want to remember, and so I didn’t remember.

And my father disappeared to the border that day.

TN Note: So, anybody else expect that? I didn’t expect it until I put the last section into google translate