70. But I was not without my temptations to go back again; temptations I say, both from Satan, mine own heart, and carnal acquaintance; but I thank G.o.d these were outweighed by that sound sense of death, and of the day of judgment, which abode, as it were, continually in my view: I would often also think on _Nebuchadnezzar_; of whom it is said, _He had given him all the kingdoms of the earth_. Dan. v. 18, 19. Yet, thought I, if this great man had all his portion in this world, one hour in h.e.l.l-fire would make him forget all. Which consideration was a great help to me.
71. I was also made, about this time, to see something concerning the beasts that _Moses_ counted clean and unclean: I thought those beasts were types of men; the _clean_, types of them that were the people of G.o.d; but the _unclean_, types of such as were the children of the wicked one. Now I read, that the clean beasts _chewed the cud_; that is, thought I, they show us, we must feed upon the word of G.o.d: they also _parted the hoof_. I thought that signified, we must part, if we would be saved, with the ways of unG.o.dly men. And also, in further reading about them, I found, that though we did chew the cud, as the _hare_; yet if we walked with claws, like a dog; or if we did part the hoof, like the _swine_, yet if we did not chew the cud, as the sheep, we were still, for all that, but unclean: for I thought the _hare_ to be a type of those that talk of the word, yet walk in the ways of sin; and that the _swine_ was like him that parted with his outward pollutions, but still wanteth the word of faith, without which there could be no way of salvation, let a man be never so devout. Deut. xiv. After this, I found by reading the word, that those that must be glorified with Christ in another world _must be called by Him here_; called to the partaking of a share in His word and righteousness, and to the comforts and first-fruits of His Spirit; and to a peculiar interest in all those heavenly things, which do indeed prepare the soul for that rest, and house of glory, which is in heaven above.
72. Here again I was at a very I great stand, not knowing what to do, fearing I was not called; for, thought I, if I be not called, what then can do me good? None but those who are effectually called inherit the kingdom of heaven. But oh! how I now loved those words that spake of a _Christian"s calling_! as when the Lord said to one, _Follow Me_; and to another, _Come after Me_: and oh, thought I, that He would say so to me too: how gladly would I run after Him!
73. I cannot now express with what longings and breathings in my soul, I cried to Christ to call me. Thus I continued for a time, all on a flame to be converted to Jesus Christ; and did also see at that day, such glory in a converted state, that I could not be contented without a share therein. Gold! could it have been gotten for gold, what would I have given for it? Had I had a whole world, it had all gone ten thousand times over for this, that my soul might have been in a converted state.
74. How lovely now was every one in my eyes, that I thought to be converted men and women. They shone, they walked like a people that carried the broad seal of heaven about them. Oh! I saw the lot was fallen to them in pleasant places, and they had a goodly heritage. Psalm xvi. But that which made me sick, was that of Christ, in St Mark, _He goeth up into a mountain_, _and calleth unto Him whom He would_, _and they came unto Him_. Mark iii. 13.
75. This scripture made me faint and fear, yet it kindled fire in my soul. That which made me fear, was this; lest Christ should have no liking to me, for He called _whom He would_. But oh! the glory that I saw in that condition, did still so engage my heart, that I could seldom read of any that Christ did call, but I presently wished, _Would I had been in their clothes_, _would I had been born Peter_; _would I had been born John_; _or_, _would I had been by and had heard Him when He called them_, _how would I have cried_, _O Lord_, _call me also_! _But_, _oh_!
_I feared He would not call me_.
76. And truly, the Lord let me go thus many months together, and shewed me nothing; either that I was already, or should be called hereafter: but at last after much time spent, and many groans to G.o.d, that I might be made partaker of the holy and heavenly calling; that word came in upon me: _I will cleanse their blood_, _that I have not cleansed_, _for the Lord dwelleth in Zion_. Joel iii. 21. These words I thought were sent to encourage me to wait still upon G.o.d; and signified unto me, that if I were not already, yet time might come, I might be in truth converted unto Christ.
77. About this time I began to break my mind to those poor people in _Bedford_, and to tell them my condition; which when they had heard, they told Mr Gifford of me, who himself also took occasion to talk with me, and was willing to be well persuaded of me, though I think from little grounds: but he invited me to his house, where I should hear him confer with others, about the dealings of G.o.d with their souls; from all which I still received more conviction, and from that time began to see something of the vanity and inward wretchedness of my wicked heart; for as yet I knew no great matter therein; but now it began to be discovered unto me, and also to work at that rate as it never did before. Now I evidently found, that l.u.s.ts and corruptions put forth themselves within me, in wicked thoughts and desires, which I did not regard before; my desires also for heaven and life began to fail; I found also, that whereas before my soul was full of longing after G.o.d, now it began to hanker after every foolish vanity; yea, my heart would not be moved to mind that which was good; it began to be careless, both of my soul and heaven; it would now continually hang back, both to, and in every duty; and was as a clog on the leg of a bird, to hinder me from flying.
78. Nay, thought I, now I grow worse and worse: now I am farther from conversion than ever I was before. Wherefore I began to sink greatly in my soul, and began to entertain such discouragement in my heart, as laid me as low as h.e.l.l. If now I should have burned at the stake, I could not believe that Christ had love for me: alas! I could neither hear Him, nor see Him, nor feel Him, nor favour any of His things; I was driven as with a tempest, my heart would be unclean, and the _Canaanites_ would dwell in the land.
79. Sometimes I would tell my condition to the people of G.o.d; which, when they heard, they would pity me, and would tell me of the promises; but they had as good have told me, that I must reach the sun with my finger, as have bidden me receive or rely upon the promises: and as soon I should have done it. All my sense and feeling were against me; and I saw I had an heart that would sin, and that lay under a law that would condemn.
80. These things have often made me think of the child which the father brought to Christ, _who_, _while he was yet coming to Him_, _was thrown down by the devil_, _and also so rent and torn by him_, _that he lay down and wallowed_, _foaming_. Luke ix. 42; Mark ix. 20.
81. Further, in these days, I would find my heart to shut itself up against the Lord, and against His holy word: I have found my unbelief to set, as it were, the shoulder to the door, to keep Him out; and that too even then, when I have with many a bitter sigh, cried, Good Lord, break it open: _Lord_, _break these gates of bra.s.s_, _and cut these bars of iron asunder_. Psalm cvii. 16. Yet that word would sometimes create in my heart a peaceable pause, _I girded thee_, _though thou hast not known Me_. Isaiah xlv. 5.
82. But all this while, as to the act of sinning, I was never more tender than now: my hinder parts were inward: I durst not take a pin or stick, though but so big as a straw; for my conscience now was sore, and would smart at every touch: I could not now tell how to speak my words, for fear I should misplace them. Oh, how gingerly did I then go, in all I did or said! I found myself as on a miry bog, that shook if I did but stir, and was, as there, left both of G.o.d and Christ, and the Spirit, and all good things.
83. But I observed, though I was such a great sinner before conversion, yet G.o.d never much charged the guilt of the sins of my ignorance upon me; only He showed me, I was lost if I had not Christ, because I had been a sinner: I saw that I wanted a perfect righteousness to present me without fault before G.o.d, and this righteousness was no where to be found, but in the Person of Jesus Christ.
84. But my original and inward pollution; That, that was my plague and affliction, that I saw at a dreadful rate, always putting forth itself within me; that I had the guilt of, to amazement; by reason of that, I was more loathsome in mine own eyes than was a toad, and I thought I was so in G.o.d"s eyes too: Sin and corruption, I said, would as naturally bubble out of my heart, as water would bubble out of a fountain: I thought now, that every one had a better heart than I had; I could have changed heart with any body; I thought none but the devil himself could equalise me for inward wickedness and pollution of mind. I fell therefore at the sight of my own vileness deeply into despair; for I concluded, that this condition that I was in, could not stand with a state of grace. Sure, thought I, I am forsaken of G.o.d; sure, I am given up to the devil, and to a reprobate mind: and thus I continued a long while, even for some years together.
85. While I was thus afflicted with the fears of my own d.a.m.nation, there were two things would make me wonder; the one was, when I saw old people hunting after the things of this life, as if they should live here always: the other was, when I found professors much distressed and cast down, when they met with outward losses; as of husband, wife, child, etc.
Lord, thought I, what a-do is here about such little things as these!
What seeking after carnal things, by some, and what grief in others for the loss of them! if they so much labour after, and shed so many tears for the things of this present life, how am I to be bemoaned, pitied, and prayed for! My soul is dying, my soul is d.a.m.ning. Were my soul but in a good condition, and were I but sure of it, ah! how rich should I esteem myself, though blessed but with bread and water! I should count those but small afflictions, and should bear them as little burthens. _A wounded spirit who can bear_!
86. And though I was much troubled, and tossed, and afflicted, with the sight and sense and terror of my own wickedness, yet I was afraid to let this sight and sense go quite off my mind: that unless guilt of conscience was taken off the right way, that is, by the blood of Christ a man grew rather worse for the loss of his trouble of mind, than better.
Wherefore, if my guilt lay hard upon me, then I should cry that the blood of Christ might take it off: and if it was going off without it (for the sense of sin would be sometimes as if it would die, and go quite away), then I would also strive to fetch it upon my heart again, by bringing the punishment of sin in h.e.l.l fire upon my spirit; and should cry, _Lord_, _let it not go off my heart_, _but the right way_, _by the blood of Christ_, _and the application of Thy mercy_, _through Him_, _to my soul_, for that scripture lay much upon me, _without shedding of blood is no remission_. Heb. ix. 22. And that which made me the more afraid of this, was, because I had seen some, who though when they were under wounds of conscience, would cry and pray; yet seeking rather present ease from their trouble, than pardon for their sin, cared not how they lost their guilt, so they got it out of their mind: now, having got it off the wrong way, it was not sanctified unto them; but they grew harder and blinder, and more wicked after their trouble. This made me afraid, and made me cry to G.o.d the more, that it might not be so with me.
87. And now I was sorry that G.o.d had made me man, for I feared I was a reprobate; I counted man as unconverted, the most doleful of all the creatures. Thus being afflicted and tossed about my sad condition, I counted myself alone, and above the most of men unblessed.
88. Yea, I thought it impossible that ever I should attain to so much goodness of heart, as to thank G.o.d that He had made me a man. Man indeed is the most n.o.ble by creation, of all creatures in the visible world; but by sin he has made himself the most ign.o.ble. The beasts, birds, fishes, etc. I blessed their condition; for they had not a sinful nature; they were not obnoxious to the wrath of G.o.d; they were not to go to h.e.l.l-fire after death; I could therefore have rejoiced, had my condition been as any of theirs.
89. In this condition I went a great while, but when comforting time was come, I heard one preach a sermon on these words in the song, Song iv. 1, _Behold_, _thou art fair_, _my love_, _behold_, _thou art fair_. But at that time he made these two words, _my love_, his chief and subject matter: from which, after he had a little opened the text, he observed these several conclusions: 1. _That the church_, _and so every saved soul_, _is Christ"s love_, _when loveless_. 2. _Christ"s love without a cause_. 3. _Christ"s love_, _when hated of the world_. 4. _Christ"s love_, _when under temptation and under destruction_. 5. _Christ"s love_, _from first to last_.
90. But I got nothing by what he said at present; only when he came to the application of the fourth particular, this was the word he said; _If it be so_, _that the saved soul is Christ"s love_, _when under temptation and desertion_; _then poor tempted soul_, _when thou art a.s.saulted_, _and afflicted with temptations_, _and the hidings of G.o.d"s face_, _yet think on these two words_, "My love," _still_.
91. So as I was going home, these words came again into my thoughts; and I well remember, as they came in, I said thus in my heart, _What shall I get by thinking on these two words_? This thought had no sooner pa.s.sed through my heart, but these words began thus to kindle in my spirit, _Thou art My Love_, _thou art My Dove_, twenty times together; and still as they ran in my mind, they waxed stronger and warmer, and began to make me look up; but being as yet, between hope and fear, I still replied in my heart, _But is it true_, _but is it true_? At which that sentence fell upon me, _He wist not that it was true_, _which was done by the Angel_. Acts xii. 9.
92. Then I began to give place to the word which with power, did over and over make this joyful sound within my soul, "_Thou art my Love_, _thou art My Love_, _and nothing shall separate thee from My Love_. And with that my heart was filled full of comfort and hope, and now I could believe that my sins should be forgiven me; yea, I was now so taken with the love and mercy of G.o.d, that I remember I could not tell how to contain till I got home: I thought I could have spoken of His love, and have told of His mercy to me, even to the very crows, that sat upon the ploughed lands before me, had they been capable to have understood me: wherefore I said in my soul, with much gladness, _Well_, _I would I had a pen and ink here_, _I would write this down before I go any farther_; _for surely I will not forget this forty years hence_. But, alas! within less than forty days I began to question all again; which made me begin to question all still.
93. Yet still at times I was helped to believe, that it was a true manifestation of grace unto my soul, though I had lost much of the life and favour of it. Now about a week or a fortnight after this I was much followed by this scripture, _Simon_, _Simon_; _behold_, _Satan hath desired to have you_, Luke xxii. 31, and sometimes it would sound so loud within me, yea, and as it was, call so strongly after me, that once, above all the rest, I turned my head over my shoulder, thinking verily that some man had behind me, called me; being at a great distance, methought he called so loud: it came, as I have thought since, to have stirred me up to prayer, and to watchfulness: it came to acquaint me, that a cloud and a storm was coming down upon me: but I understood it not.
94. Also, as I remember, that time that it called to me so loud, was the last time that it sounded in mine ears; but me thinks I hear still with what a loud voice these words, _Simon_, _Simon_, sounded in mine ears. I thought verily, as I have told you, that somebody had called after me, that was half a mile behind me: and although that was not my name, yet it made me suddenly look behind me, believing that he that called so loud, meant me.
95. But so foolish was I, and ignorant, that I knew not the reason of this sound; (which as I did both see and feel soon after, was sent from heaven as an alarm, to awaken me to provide for what was coming,) only I should muse and wonder in my mind, to think what should be the reason of this scripture, and that at this rate, so often and so loud, should still be sounding and rattling in mine ears: but, as I said before, I soon after perceived the end of G.o.d therein.
96. For, about the s.p.a.ce of a month after, a very great storm came down upon me, which handled me twenty times worse than all I had met with before; it came stealing upon me, now by one piece, then by another: First, all my comfort was taken from me; then darkness seized upon me; after which, whole floods of blasphemies, both against G.o.d, Christ, and the scriptures, were poured upon my spirit, to my great confusion and astonishment. These blasphemous thoughts were such as stirred up questions in me against the very being of G.o.d, and of His only beloved Son: As, whether there were in truth, a G.o.d or Christ? And whether the holy scriptures were not rather a fable, and cunning story, than the holy and pure word of G.o.d?
97. The tempter would also much a.s.sault me with this, _How can you tell but that the_ Turks _had as good scriptures to prove their_ Mahomet _the Saviour_, _as we have to prove our Jesus is_? _And_, _could I think_, _that so many ten thousands_, _in so many countries and kingdoms_, _should be without the knowledge of the right way to heaven_, (_if there were indeed a heaven_); _and that we only_, _who live in a corner of the earth_, _should alone be blessed therewith_? _Every one doth think his own religion rightest_, _both_ Jews _and_ Moors, _and_ Pagans; _and how if all our faith_, _and Christ_, _and scriptures_, _should be but a think so too_?
98. Sometimes I have endeavoured to argue against these suggestions, and to set some of the sentences of blessed _Paul_ against them; but alas! I quickly felt, when I thus did, such arguings as these would return again upon me, _Though we made so great a matter of Paul_, _and of his words_, _yet how could I tell_, _but that in very deed_, _he being a subtle and cunning man_, _might give himself up to deceive with strong delusions_: _and also take the pains and travel_, _to undo and destroy his fellows_.
99. These suggestions, (with many others which at this time I may not, and dare not utter, neither by word or pen,) did make such a seizure upon my spirit, and did so overweigh my heart, both with their number, continuance, and fiery force, that I felt as if there were nothing else but these from morning to night within me; and as though indeed there could be room for nothing else; and also concluded, that G.o.d had, in very wrath to my soul, given me up to them, to be carried away with them, as with a mighty whirlwind.
100. Only by the distaste that they gave unto my spirit, _I felt there was something in me that refused to embrace them_. But this consideration I then only had, when G.o.d gave me leave to swallow my spittle; otherwise the noise, and strength, and force of these temptations would drown and overflow, and as it were, bury all such thoughts, or the remembrance of any such thing. While I was in this temptation, I often found my mind suddenly put upon it to curse and swear, or to speak some grievous thing against G.o.d, or Christ His Son, and of the scriptures.
101. Now I thought, _surely I am possessed of the devil_: at other times, again, I thought I should be bereft of my wits; for instead of lauding and magnifying G.o.d the Lord, with others, if I have but heard Him spoken of, presently some most horrible blasphemous thought or other would bolt out of my heart against Him; so that whether I did think that G.o.d was, or again did think there was no such thing, no love, nor peace, nor gracious disposition could I feel within me.
102. These things did sink me into very deep despair; for I concluded that such things could not possibly be found amongst them that loved G.o.d.
I often, when these temptations had been with force upon me, did compare myself to the case of such a child, whom some gipsy hath by force took up in her arms, and is carrying from friend and country. Kick sometimes I did, and also shriek and cry; but yet I was bound in the wings of the temptation, and the wind would carry me away. I thought also of Saul, and of the evil spirit that did possess him: and did greatly fear that my condition was the same with that of his. 1 Sam. x.
103. In these days, when I have heard others talk of what was the sin against the Holy Ghost, then would the tempter so provoke me to desire to sin that against sin, that I was as if I could not, must not, neither should be quiet until I had committed it; now no sin would serve but that. If it were to be committed by speaking of such a word, then I have been as if my mouth would have spoken that word, whether I would or no; and in so strong a measure was this temptation upon me, that often I have been ready to clap my hand under my chin, to hold my mouth from opening; and to that end also, I have had thoughts at other times, to leap with my head downward, into some muckhill-hole or other, to keep my mouth from speaking.
104. Now again I beheld the condition of the dog and toad, and counted the estate of every thing that G.o.d had made, far better than this dreadful state of mine, and such as my companions were. Yea, gladly would I have been in the condition of a dog or horse: for I knew they had no souls to perish under the everlasting weight of h.e.l.l, or sin, as mine was like to do. Nay, and though I saw this, felt this, and was broken to pieces with it; yet that which added to my sorrow was, I could not find, that with all my soul I did desire deliverance. That scripture did also tear and rend my soul in the midst of these distractions, _The wicked are like the troubled sea_, _when it cannot rest_, _whose waters cast up mire and dirt_. _There is no peace_, _saith my G.o.d_, _to the wicked_. Isa.
lvii. 20, 21.
105. And now my heart was, at times, exceeding hard; if I would have given a thousand pounds for a tear, I could not shed one: no nor sometimes scarce desire to shed one. I was much dejected, to think that this would be my lot. I saw some could mourn and lament their sin; and others again, could rejoice and bless G.o.d for Christ; and others again, could quietly talk of, and with gladness remember the word of G.o.d; while I only was in the storm or tempest. This much sunk me, I thought my condition was alone, I should therefore much bewail my hard hap, but get out of, or get rid of these things, I could not.
106. While this temptation lasted, which was about a year, I could attend upon none of the ordinances of G.o.d, but with sore and great affliction. Yea, then I was most distressed with blasphemies. If I had been hearing the word, then uncleanness, blasphemies and despair would hold me a captive there: if I have been reading, then sometimes I had sudden thoughts to question all I read: sometimes again, my mind would be so strangely s.n.a.t.c.hed away, and possessed with other things, that I have neither known, nor regarded, nor remembered so much as the sentence that but now I have read.
107. In prayer also I have been greatly troubled at this time; sometimes I have thought I have felt him behind me pulling my clothes: he would be also continually at me in time of prayer, to have done, break off, make haste, you have prayed enough, and stay no longer; still drawing my mind away. Sometimes also he would cast in such wicked thoughts as these; that I must pray to him, or for him: I have thought sometimes of that, _Fall down_; or, _if thou wilt fall down and worship me_. Matt. iii. 9.
108. Also, when because I have had wandering thoughts in the time of this duty, I have laboured to compose my mind, and fix it upon G.o.d; then with great force hath the tempter laboured to distract me, and confound me, and to turn away my mind, by presenting to my heart and fancy, the form of a bush, a bull, a besom, or the like, as if I should pray to these: To these he would also (at sometimes especially) so hold my mind, that I was as if I could think of nothing else, or pray to nothing else but to these, or such as they.
109. Yet at times I should have some strong and heart-affecting apprehensions of G.o.d, and the reality of the truth of His gospel. But, oh! how would my heart, at such times, put forth itself with unexpressible groanings. My whole soul was then in every word; I should cry with pangs after G.o.d, that He would be merciful unto me; but then I should be daunted again with such conceits as these: I should think that G.o.d did mock at these my prayers, saying, and that in the audience of the holy angels, _This poor simple wretch doth hanker after Me_, _as if I had nothing to do with My mercy_, _but to bestow it on such as he_. _Alas_, _poor soul_! _how art thou deceived_! _It is not for such as thee to have favour with the Highest_.
110. Then hath the tempter come upon me, also, with such discouragements as these: _You are very hot for mercy_, _but I will cool you_; _this frame shall not last always_: _many have been as hot as you for a spurt_, _but I have quenched their zeal_ (and with this, such and such, who were fallen off, would be set before mine eyes). Then I should be afraid that I should do so too: But, thought I, I am glad this comes into my mind: well, I will watch, and take what care I can. _Though you do_, said Satan, _I shall be too hard for you_; _I will cool you insensibly_, _by degrees_, _by little and little_. _What care I_, saith he, _though I be seven years in chilling your heart_, _if I can do it at last_?
_Continual rocking will lull a crying child asleep_: _I will ply it close_, _but I will have my end accomplished_. _Though you be burning hot at present_, _I can pull you from this fire_; _I shall have you cold before it be long_.
111. These things brought me into great straits; for as I at present could not find myself fit for present death, so I thought, to live long, would make me yet more unfit; for time would make me forget all, and wear even the remembrance of the evil of sin, the worth of heaven, and the need I had of the blood of Christ to wash me, both out of mind and thought: but I thank Christ Jesus, these things did not at present make me slack my crying, but rather did put me more upon it (_like her who met with adulterer_, Deut. xxii. 26), in which days that was a good word to me, after I had suffered these things a while:-_I am persuaded that neither death_, _nor life_, _etc._, _shall be able to separate us from the love of G.o.d which is in Christ Jesus our Lord_. Rom. viii. 38, 39.
And now I hoped long life would not destroy me, nor make me miss of heaven.
112. Yet I had some supports in this temptation, though they were then all questioned by me; that in _Jer. iii._ at the first was something to me; and so was the consideration of verse 5 of that chapter; that though we have spoken and done as evil things as we could, yet we should cry unto G.o.d, _My Father_, _Thou art the Guide of my youth_, and shall return unto Him.
113. I had, also, once a sweet glance from that in 2 Cor. v. 21:_ For He hath made Him to be sin for us_, _Who knew no sin_, _that we might be made the righteousness of G.o.d in Him_. I remember that one day, as I was sitting in a neighbour"s house, and there very sad at the consideration of my many blasphemies; and as I was saying in my mind, _What ground have I to say that_, _who have been so vile and abominable_, _should ever inherit eternal life_? That word came suddenly upon me, _What shall we say to these things_? _If G.o.d be for us_, _who can be against us_? Rom.
viii. 31. That also was an help unto me, _Because I live_, _ye shall live also_. John xiv. 19. But these words were but hints, touches, and short visits, though very sweet when present; only they lasted not; but, _like to_ Peter"s _sheet_, _of a sudden were caught up from me_, _to heaven again_. Acts x. 16.
114. But afterwards the Lord did more fully and graciously discover Himself unto me, and indeed, did quite, not only deliver me from the guilt that, by these things was laid upon my conscience, but also from the very filth thereof; for the temptation was removed, and I was put into my right mind again, as other Christians were.