281. And when I have done the exercise, it hath gone to my heart, to think the word should now fall as rain on stony places; still wishing from my heart, Oh! that they who have heard me speak this day, did but see as I do, what sin, death, h.e.l.l, and the curse of G.o.d is; and also what the grace, and love, and mercy of G.o.d is, through Christ, to men in such a case as they are, who are yet estranged from Him. And indeed, I did often say in my heart before the Lord, _That if to be hanged up presently before their eyes_, _would be a means to awaken them_, _and confirm them in the truth_, _I gladly should be contented_.
282. For I have been in my preaching, especially when I have been engaged in the doctrine of life by Christ, without works, as if an angel of G.o.d had stood by at my back to encourage me: Oh! it hath been with such power and heavenly evidence upon my own soul, while I have been labouring to unfold it, to demonstrate it, and to fasten it upon the conscience of others; that I could not be contented with saying, _I believe_, _and am sure_; methought I was more than sure (if it be lawful to express myself) that those things which then I a.s.serted, were true.
283. When I first went to preach the word abroad, the doctors and priests of the country did open wide against me. But I was persuaded of this, not to render railing for railing; but to see how many of their carnal professors I could convince of their miserable state by the law, and of the want and worth of Christ: for, thought I, _This shall answer for me in time to come_, _when they shall be for my hire before their face_. Gen. x.x.x. 33.
284. I never cared to meddle with things that were controverted, and in dispute among the saints, especially things of the lowest nature; yet it pleased me much to contend with great earnestness for the word of faith, and the remission of sins by the death and sufferings of Jesus: but I say, as to other things, I should let them alone, because I saw they engendered strife; and because that they neither in doing, nor in leaving undone, did commend us to G.o.d to be His: besides, I saw my work before me did run into another channel, even to carry an awakening word; to that therefore did I stick and adhere.
285. I never endeavoured to, nor durst make use of other men"s lines, Rom. xv. 18 (though I condemn not all that do), for I verily thought, and found by experience, that what was taught me by the word and Spirit of Christ, could be spoken, maintained, and stood to, by the soundest and best established conscience; and though I will not now speak all that I know in this matter, yet my experience hath more interest in that text of scripture, Gal. i. 11, 12, than many amongst men are aware.
286. If any of those who were awakened by my ministry, did after that fall back (as sometimes too many did), I can truly say, their loss hath been more to me, than if one of my own children, begotten of my own body, had been going to its grave: I think verily, I may speak it without any offence to the Lord, nothing has gone so near me as that; unless it was the fear of the loss of the salvation of my own soul. I have counted as if I had goodly buildings and lordships in those places where my children were born; my heart hath been so wrapped up in the glory of this excellent work, that I counted myself more blessed and honoured of G.o.d by this, than if He had made me the emperor of the Christian world, or the lord of all the glory of the earth without it! Oh these words! _He which converteth the sinner from the error of his way_, _shall save a soul from death_. James v. 20. _The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life_; _and he that winneth souls is wise_. Prov. xi. 30. _They that be wise shall shine as the brightness of the firmament_, _and they that turn many to righteousness_, _as the stars for ever and ever_. Dan. xii. 3.
_For what is our hope_, _or joy_, _or crown of rejoicing_? _Are not even ye in the presence of our Lord Jesus Christ at His coming_? _For ye are our glory and joy_. 1 Thes. ii. 19, 20. These, I say, with many others of a like nature, have been great refreshments to me.
287. I have observed, that where I have had a work to do for G.o.d, I have had first, as it were, the going of G.o.d upon my spirit, to desire I might preach there: I have also observed, that such and such souls in particular, have been strongly set upon my heart, and I stirred up to wish for their salvation; and that these very souls have, after this, been given in as the fruits of my ministry. I have observed, that a word cast in, by-the-bye, hath done more execution in a sermon, than all that was spoken besides: sometimes also, when I have thought I did no good, then I did the most of all; and at other times, when I thought I should catch them, I have fished for nothing.
288. I have also observed, that where there has been a work to do upon sinners, there the devil hath begun to roar in the hearts and by the mouths of his servants: yea, oftentimes, when the wicked world hath raged most, there hath been souls awakened by the word: I could instance particulars, but I forbear.
289. My great desire in my fulfilling my ministry was to get into the darkest places of the country, even amongst those people that were farthest off of profession; yet not because I could not endure the light (for I feared not to show my gospel to any) but because I found my spirit did lean most after awakening and converting work, and the word that I carried did lean itself most that way also; _Yea_, _so have I strived to preach the gospel_, _not where Christ was named_, _lest I should build upon another man"s foundation_. Rom. xv. 20.
290. In my preaching I have really been in pain, and have, as it were, travailed to bring forth children to G.o.d; neither could I be satisfied unless some fruits did appear in my work. If I were fruitless, it mattered not who commanded me: but if I were fruitful, I cared not who did condemn. I have thought of that: _Lo_! _children are an heritage of the Lord_; _and the fruit of the womb is His reward_.-_As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man_, _so are children of the youth_. _Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them_: _they shall not be ashamed_, _but they shall speak with the enemies in the gate_. Psalm cxxvii. 35.
291. It pleased me nothing to see people drink in opinions, if they seemed ignorant of Jesus Christ, and the worth of their own salvation, sound conviction for sin, especially for unbelief, and a heart set on fire to be saved by Christ, with strong breathings after a truly sanctified soul: that it was that delighted me; those were the souls I counted blessed.
292. But in this work, as in all other, I had my temptations attending me, and that of divers kinds; as sometimes I should be a.s.saulted with great discouragement therein, fearing that I should not be able to speak a word at all to edification; nay, that I should not be able to speak sense unto the people; at which times I should have such a strange faintness and strengthlessness seize upon my body, that my legs have scarce been able to carry me to the place of exercise.
293. Sometimes again when I have been preaching, I have been violently a.s.saulted with thoughts of blasphemy, and strongly tempted to speak the words with my mouth before the congregation. I have also at some times, even when I have begun to speak the word with much clearness, evidence, and liberty of speech, yet been, before the ending of that opportunity, so blinded and so estranged from the things I have been speaking, and have been also so straightened in my speech, as to utterance before the people, that I have been as if I had not known, or remembered what I have been about; or as if my head had been in a bag all the time of my exercise.
294. Again, when as sometimes I have been about to preach upon some smart and searching portion of the word, I have found the tempter suggest, _What_! _will you preach this_! _This condemns yourself_; _of this your own soul is guilty_; _wherefore preach not of it at all_; _or if you do_, _yet so mince it_, _as to make way for your own escape_; _lest instead of awakening others_, _you lay that guilt upon your own soul_, _that you will never get from under_.
295. But I thank the Lord, I have been kept from consenting to these so horrid suggestions, and have rather, as Sampson, bowed myself with all my might, to condemn sin and transgression, wherever I found it; yea, though therein also I did bring guilt upon my own conscience: _Let me die_ (thought I), _with the Philistines_, Judges xvi. 29, 30, rather than deal corruptly with the blessed word of G.o.d. _Thou that teachest another_, _teachest thou not thyself_? It is far better that thou do judge thyself, even by preaching plainly unto others, than that thou, to save thyself, imprison the truth in righteousness. Blessed be G.o.d for His help also in this.
296. I have also, while found in this blessed work of Christ, been often tempted to pride and liftings up of heart: and though I dare not say, I have not been affected with this, yet truly the Lord of His precious mercy, hath so carried it towards me, that for the most part I have had but small joy to give way to such a thing: for it hath been my every day"s portion to be let into the evil of my own heart, and still made to see such a mult.i.tude of corruptions and infirmities therein, that it hath caused hanging down of the head under all my gifts and attainments; I have felt this thorn in the flesh, 2 Cor. xii. 8, 9, the very mercy of G.o.d to me.
297. I have also had, together with this, some notable place or other of the word presented before me, which word hath contained in it some sharp and piercing sentence concerning the perishing of the soul, notwithstanding gifts and parts: as, for instance, that hath been of great use to me: _Though I speak with the tongues of men and angels_, _and have not charity_, _I am become as sounding bra.s.s_, _and a tinkling cymbal_. 1 Cor. xiii. 1, 2.
298. A tinkling cymbal is an instrument of music, with which a skilful player can make such melodious and heart-inflaming music, that all who hear him play, can scarcely hold from dancing; and yet behold the cymbal hath not life, neither comes the music from it, but because of the art of him that plays therewith; so then the instrument at last may come to nought and perish, though in times past such music hath been made upon it.
299. Just thus I saw it was, and will be, with them who have gifts, but want saving grace; they are in the hand of Christ, as the cymbal in the hand of _David_: and as _David_ could with the cymbal make that mirth in the service of G.o.d, as to elevate the hearts of the worshippers, so Christ can use these gifted men, as with them to affect the souls of His people in His church; yet when He hath done all, hang them by, as lifeless, though sounding cymbals.
300. This consideration therefore, together with some others, were for the most part, as a maul on the head of pride, and desire of vain-glory.
What, thought I, shall I be proud because I am a sounding bra.s.s? Is it so much to be a fiddle? hath not the least creature that hath life, more of G.o.d in it than these? Besides, I knew "twas love should never die, but these must cease and vanish: so I concluded, a little grace, a little love, a little of the true fear of G.o.d, is better than all the gifts: yea, and I am fully convinced of it, that it is possible for souls that can scarce give a man an answer, but with great confusion as to method; I say, it is possible for them to have a thousand times more grace, and so to be more in the love and favour of the Lord, than some who by the virtue of the gift of knowledge, can deliver themselves like angels.
301. Thus therefore I came to perceive that, though gifts in themselves were good, to the thing for which they are designed, to wit, the edification of others; yet empty, and without power to save the soul of him that hath them, if they be _alone_: neither are they, as so, any sign of a man"s state to be happy, being only a dispensation of G.o.d to some, of whose improvement, or non-improvement, they must when a little love more is over, give an account to Him that is ready to judge the quick and the dead.
302. This showed me too, that gifts being alone, were dangerous, not in themselves, but because of those evils that attend them that have them, to wit, pride, desire of vain glory, self-conceit, etc., all which were easily blown up at the applause and commendation of every unadvised Christian, to the endangering of a poor creature to fall into the condemnation of the devil.
303. I saw therefore that he that hath gifts, had need be let into a sight of the nature of them, to wit, that they come short of making of him to be in a truly saved condition, lest he rest in them, and so fall short of the grace of G.o.d.
304. He hath cause also to walk humbly with G.o.d and be little in his own eyes, and to remember withal, that his gifts are not his own, but the churches; and that by them he is made a servant to the church; and he must also give at last an account of his stewardship unto the Lord Jesus, and to give a good account will be a blessed thing.
305. Let all men therefore prize a little with the fear of the Lord (gifts indeed are desirable), but yet great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. It doth not say, the Lord gives gifts and glory, but the Lord gives grace and glory; and blessed is such an one, to whom the Lord gives grace, true grace; for that is a certain forerunner of glory.
306. But when Satan perceived that his thus tempting and a.s.saulting of me, would not answer his design; to wit, to overthrow the ministry, and make it ineffectual, as to the ends thereof: then he tried another way, which was, to stir up the minds of the ignorant and malicious to load me with slanders and reproaches: now therefore I may say, that what the devil could devise, and his instruments invent, was whirled up and down the country against me, thinking, as I said, that by that means they should make my ministry to be abandoned.
307. It began therefore to be rumoured up and down among the people, that I was a witch, a Jesuit, a highwayman, and the like.
[Picture: Bunyan is looked on with Suspicion]
308. To all which, I shall only say, G.o.d knows that I am innocent. But as for mine accusers, let them provide themselves to meet me before the tribunal of the Son of G.o.d, there to answer for all these things (with all the rest of their iniquities) unless G.o.d shall give them repentance for them, for the which I pray with all my heart.
309. But that which was reported with the boldest confidence, was, that I had my _misses_, my _wh.o.r.es_, my _b.a.s.t.a.r.ds_; yea, _two wives_ at once, and the like. Now these slanders (with the others) I glory in, because but slanders, foolish or knavish lies, and falsehoods cast upon me by the devil and his seed; and, should I not be dealt with thus wickedly by the world, I should want one sign of a saint, and a child of G.o.d. _Blessed are ye_ (said the Lord Jesus) _when men shall revile you and persecute you_, _and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely for My sake_; _rejoice and be exceeding glad_, _for great is your reward in heaven_, _for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you_. Matt. iv.
11.
310. These things therefore, upon mine own account, trouble me not; no, though they were twenty times more than they are. I have a good conscience, and whereas they speak evil of me, as an evil-doer, they shall be ashamed that falsely accuse my good conversation in Christ.
311. So then, what shall I say to those who have thus bespattered me?
Shall I threaten them? Shall I chide them? Shall I flatter them? Shall I entreat them to hold their tongues? No, not I. Were it not for that these things make them ripe for d.a.m.nation, that are the authors and abettors, I would say unto them, _Report it_, because "twill increase my glory.
312. Therefore I bind these lies and slanders to me as an ornament; it belongs to my Christian profession to be vilified, slandered, reproached and reviled; and since all this is nothing else, as my G.o.d and my conscience do bear me witness, I rejoice in reproaches for Christ"s sake.
313. I also call all these fools or knaves, that have thus made it any thing of their business to affirm any of the things afore-named of me; namely, That I have been naught with other women, or the like. When they have used the utmost of their endeavours, and made the fullest inquiry that they can, to prove against me truly, that there is any woman in heaven, or earth, or h.e.l.l, that can say, I have at any time, in any place, by day or night, so much as attempted to be naught with them; and speak I thus to beg my enemies into a good esteem of me? No, not I: I will in this beg belief of no man: believe or disbelieve me in this, all is a-case to me.
314. My foes have missed their mark in this shooting at me: I am not the man: I wish that they themselves be guiltless. If all the fornicators and adulterers in _England_ were hanged up by the neck till they be dead, _John Bunyan_, the object of their envy, would be still alive and well.
I know not whether there be such a thing as a woman breathing under the copes of the whole heaven, but by their apparel, their children, or by common fame, except my wife.
315. And in this I admire the wisdom of G.o.d, that He made me shy of women from my first conversion until now. Those shy of women know, and can also bear me witness, with whom I have been most intimately concerned, that it is a rare thing to see me carry it pleasant towards a woman: the common salutation of women I abhor; "tis odious to me in whomsoever I see it. Their company alone, I cannot away with; I seldom so much as touch a woman"s hand; for I think these things are not so becoming me. When I have seen good men salute those women that they have visited, or that have visited them, I have at times made my objection against it; and when they have answered, that it was but a piece of civility, I have told them, it is not a comely sight. Some indeed have urged the holy kiss; but then I have asked why they made baulks? why they did salute the most handsome, and let the ill-favoured go? Thus, how laudable soever such things have been in the eyes of others, they have been unseemly in my sight.
316. And now for a wind-up in this matter, I calling not only men, but angels, to prove me guilty of having carnally to do with any woman save my wife: nor am I afraid to do it a second time; knowing that it cannot offend the Lord in such a case, to call G.o.d for a record upon my soul, that in these things I am innocent. Not that I have been thus kept, because of any goodness in me, more than any other; but G.o.d has been merciful to me, and has kept me; to whom I pray that He will keep me still, not only from this, but every evil way and work, and preserve me to His heavenly kingdom. _Amen_.
317. Now as Satan laboured by reproaches and slanders, to make me vile among my countrymen; that, if possible, my preaching might be made of none effect; so there was added hereto, a long and tedious imprisonment, that thereby I might be frightened from my service for Christ, and the world terrified, and made afraid to hear me preach; of which I shall in the next place give you a brief account.
A BRIEF ACCOUNT OF THE AUTHOR"S IMPRISONMENT
318. Having made profession of the glorious gospel of Christ a long time, and preached the same about five years, I was apprehended at a meeting of good people in the country (among whom, had they let me alone, I should have preached that day, but they took me away from amongst them), and had me before a justice; who, after I had offered security for my appearing at the next sessions, yet committed me, because my sureties would not consent to be bound that I should preach no more to the people.
319. At the sessions after I was indicted for an upholder and maintainer of unlawful a.s.semblies and conventicles, and for not conforming to the national worship of the church of _England_; and after some conference there with the justices, they taking my plain dealing with them for a confession, as they termed it, _of the indictment_, _did sentence me to a perpetual banishment_, _because I refused to conform_. So being again delivered up to the jailer"s hands, I was had home to prison, and there have lain now complete twelve years, waiting to see what G.o.d would suffer these men to do with me.
320. In which condition I have continued with much content, through grace, but have met with many turnings and goings upon my heart, both from the Lord, Satan, and my own corruptions; by all which (glory be to Jesus Christ) I have also received among many things, much conviction, instruction, and understanding, of which at large I shall not here discourse; only give you a hint or two, a word that may stir up the G.o.dly to bless G.o.d, and to pray for me; and also to take encouragement, should the case be their own-_not to fear what man can do unto them_.
321. I never had in all my life so great an inlet into the word of G.o.d as now: those scriptures that I saw nothing in before, are made in this place and state to shine upon me; Jesus Christ also was never more real and apparent than now; here I have seen and felt Him indeed: Oh! that word, _We have not preached unto you cunningly devised fables_, 2 Pet. i.
16, and that, _G.o.d raised Christ from the dead_, _and gave Him glory_, _that our faith and hope might be in G.o.d_ 1 Pet. i. 21, were blessed words unto me in this my imprisoned condition.
322. These three or four scriptures also have been great refreshments in this condition to me: John xiv. 14; John xvi. 33; Col. iii. 3, 4; Heb.
xii. 2224. So that sometimes when I have been in the savour of them, I have been able to laugh at destruction, _and to fear neither the horse nor his rider_. I have had sweet sights of the forgiveness of my sins in this place, and of my being with Jesus in another world: _Oh_! _the mount Sion_, _the heavenly Jerusalem_, _the innumerable company of angels_, _and G.o.d the Judge of all_, _and the spirits of just men made perfect_, _and Jesus_, have been sweet unto me in this place: I have seen that here, that I am persuaded I shall never, while in this world, be able to express: I have seen a truth in this scripture, _Whom having not seen_, _ye love_; _in whom_, _though now you see Him not_, _yet believing_, _ye rejoice with joy unspeakable_, _and full of glory_. 1 Pet. i. 8.