The Sergeant enters carrying a goblet filled with precious stones.
PATIOMKIN. Get out. [He s.n.a.t.c.hes the goblet and kicks the Sergeant out, not maliciously but from habit, indeed not noticing that he does it.]
Darling, have some diamonds. Have a fistful. [He takes up a handful and lets them slip back through his fingers into the goblet, which he then offers to Edstaston.]
EDSTASTON. Thank you, I don"t take presents.
PATIOMKIN [amazed]. You refuse!
EDSTASTON. I thank your Highness; but it is not the custom for English gentlemen to take presents of that kind.
PATIOMKIN. Are you really an Englishman?
EDSTASTON [bows]!
PATIOMKIN. You are the first Englishman I ever saw refuse anything he could get. [He puts the goblet on the table; then turns again to Edstaston.] Listen, darling. You are a wrestler: a splendid wrestler.
You threw me on my back like magic, though I could lift you with one hand. Darling, you are a giant, a paladin.
EDSTASTON [complacently]. We wrestle rather well in my part of England.
PATIOMKIN. I have a Turk who is a wrestler: a prisoner of war. You shall wrestle with him for me. I"ll stake a million roubles on you.
EDSTASTON [incensed]. d.a.m.n you! do you take me for a prize-fighter? How dare you make me such a proposal?
PATIOMKIN [with wounded feeling]. Darling, there is no pleasing you.
Don"t you like me?
EDSTASTON [mollified]. Well, in a sort of way I do; though I don"t know why I should. But my instructions are that I am to see the Empress; and--
PATIOMKIN. Darling, you shall see the Empress. A glorious woman, the greatest woman in the world. But lemme give you piece "vice--pah! still drunk. They water my vinegar. [He shakes himself; clears his throat; and resumes soberly.] If Catherine takes a fancy to you, you may ask for roubles, diamonds, palaces, t.i.tles, orders, anything! and you may aspire to everything: field-marshal, admiral, minister, what you please--except Tsar.
EDSTASTON. I tell you I don"t want to ask for anything. Do you suppose I am an adventurer and a beggar?
PATIOMKIN [plaintively]. Why not, darling? I was an adventurer. I was a beggar.
EDSTASTON. Oh, you!
PATIOMKIN. Well: what"s wrong with me?
EDSTASTON. You are a Russian. That"s different.
PATIOMKIN [effusively]. Darling, I am a man; and you are a man; and Catherine is a woman. Woman reduces us all to the common denominator.
[Chuckling.] Again an epigram! [Gravely.] You understand it, I hope.
Have you had a college education, darling? I have.
EDSTASTON. Certainly. I am a Bachelor of Arts.
PATIOMKIN. It is enough that you are a bachelor, darling: Catherine will supply the arts. Aha! Another epigram! I am in the vein today.
EDSTASTON [embarra.s.sed and a little offended]. I must ask your Highness to change the subject. As a visitor in Russia, I am the guest of the Empress; and I must tell you plainly that I have neither the right nor the disposition to speak lightly of her Majesty.
PATIOMKIN. You have conscientious scruples?
EDSTASTON. I have the scruples of a gentleman.
PATIOMKIN. In Russia a gentleman has no scruples. In Russia we face facts.
EDSTASTON. In England, sir, a gentleman never faces any facts if they are unpleasant facts.
PATIOMKIN. In real life, darling, all facts are unpleasant. [Greatly pleased with himself.] Another epigram! Where is my accursed chancellor?
these gems should be written down and recorded for posterity. [He rushes to the table: sits down: and s.n.a.t.c.hes up a pen. Then, recollecting himself.] But I have not asked you to sit down. [He rises and goes to the other chair.] I am a savage: a barbarian. [He throws the shirt and coat over the table on to the floor and puts his sword on the table.] Be seated, Captain.
EDSTASTON Thank you.
They bow to one another ceremoniously. Patiomkin"s tendency to grotesque exaggeration costs him his balance; he nearly falls over Edstaston, who rescues him and takes the proffered chair.
PATIOMKIN [resuming his seat]. By the way, what was the piece of advice I was going to give you?
EDSTASTON. As you did not give it, I don"t know. Allow me to add that I have not asked for your advice.
PATIOMKIN. I give it to you unasked, delightful Englishman. I remember it now. It was this. Don"t try to become Tsar of Russia.
EDSTASTON [in astonishment]. I haven"t the slightest intention--
PATIOMKIN. Not now; but you will have: take my words for it. It will strike you as a splendid idea to have conscientious scruples--to desire the blessing of the Church on your union with Catherine.
EDSTASTON [racing in utter amazement]. My union with Catherine! You"re mad.
PATIOMKIN [unmoved]. The day you hint at such a thing will be the day of your downfall. Besides, it is not lucky to be Catherine"s husband. You know what happened to Peter?
EDSTASTON [shortly; sitting down again]. I do not wish to discuss it.
PATIOMKIN. You think she murdered him?
EDSTASTON. I know that people have said so.
PATIOMKIN [thunderously; springing to his feet]. It is a lie: Orloff murdered him. [Subsiding a little.] He also knocked my eye out; but [sitting down placidly] I succeeded him for all that. And [patting Edstaston"s hand very affectionately] I"m sorry to say, darling, that if you become Tsar, I shall murder you.
EDSTASTON [ironically returning the caress]. Thank you. The occasion will not arise. [Rising.] I have the honor to wish your Highness good morning.
PATIOMKIN [jumping up and stopping him on his way to the door]. Tut tut!
I"m going to take you to the Empress now, this very instant.
EDSTASTON. In these boots? Impossible! I must change.
PATIOMKIN. Nonsense! You shall come just as you are. You shall show her your calves later on.
EDSTASTON. But it will take me only half an hour to--
PATIOMKIN. In half an hour it will be too late for the pet.i.t lever.