CLAIRE [recklessly]. Oh, dare your grandmother! Where is my Charles?
What are they doing to him?
EDSTASTON [shouting]. Claire, loosen these straps, in Heaven"s name.
Quick.
CLAIRE [seeing him and throwing herself on her knees at his side]. Oh, how dare they tie you up like that! [To Catherine.] You wicked wretch!
You Russian savage! [She pounces on the straps, and begins unbuckling them.]
CATHERINE [conquering herself with a mighty effort]. Now self-control.
Self-control, Catherine. Philosophy. Europe is looking on. [She forces herself to sit down.]
EDSTASTON. Steady, dearest: it is the Empress. Call her your Imperial Majesty. Call her Star of the North, Little Mother, Little Darling: that"s what she likes; but get the straps off.
CLAIRE. Keep quiet, dear: I cannot get them off if you move.
CATHERINE [calmly]. Keep quite still, Captain [she tickles him.]
EDSTASTON. Ow! Agh! Ahowyow!
CLAIRE [stopping dead in the act of unbuckling the straps and turning sick with jealousy as she grasps the situation]. Was THAT what I thought was your being tortured?
CATHERINE [urbanely]. That is the favorite torture of Catherine the Second, Mademoiselle. I think the Captain enjoys it very much.
CLAIRE. Then he can have as much more of it as he wants. I am sorry I intruded. [She rises to go.]
EDSTASTON [catching her train in his teeth and holding on like a bull-dog]. Don"t go. Don"t leave me in this horrible state. Loosen me.
[This is what he is saying: but as he says it with the train in his mouth it is not very intelligible.]
CLAIRE. Let go. You are undignified and ridiculous enough yourself without making me ridiculous. [She s.n.a.t.c.hes her train away.]
EDSTASTON. Ow! You"ve nearly pulled my teeth out: you"re worse than the Star of the North. [To Catherine.] Darling Little Mother: you have a kind heart, the kindest in Europe. Have pity. Have mercy. I love you.
[Claire bursts into tears.] Release me.
CATHERINE. Well, just to show you how much kinder a Russian savage can be than an English one (though I am sorry to say I am a German) here goes! [She stoops to loosen the straps.]
CLAIRE [jealously]. You needn"t trouble, thank you. [She pounces on the straps: and the two set Edstaston free between them.] Now get up, please; and conduct yourself with some dignity if you are not utterly demoralized.
EDSTASTON. Dignity! Ow! I can"t. I"m stiff all over. I shall never be able to stand up again. Oh Lord! how it hurts! [They seize him by the shoulders and drag him up.] Yah! Agh! Wow! Oh! Mmmmmm! Oh, Little Angel Mother, don"t ever do this to a man again. Knout him; kill him; roast him; baste him; head, hang, and quarter him; but don"t tie him up like that and tickle him.
CATHERINE. Your young lady still seems to think that you enjoyed it.
CLAIRE. I know what I think. I will never speak to him again. Your Majesty can keep him, as far as I am concerned.
CATHERINE. I would not deprive you of him for worlds; though really I think he"s rather a darling [she pats his cheek].
CLAIRE [snorting]. So I see, indeed.
EDSTASTON. Don"t be angry, dearest: in this country everybody"s a darling. I"ll prove it to you. [To Catherine.] Will your Majesty be good enough to call Prince Patiomkin?
CATHERINE [surprised into haughtiness]. Why?
EDSTASTON. To oblige me.
Catherine laughs good-humoredly and goes to the curtains and opens them.
The band strikes up a Redowa.
CATHERINE [calling imperiously]. Patiomkin! [The music stops suddenly.]
Here! To me! Go on with your music there, you fools. [The Redowa is resumed.]
The sergeant rushes from the ballroom to relieve the Empress of the curtain. Patiomkin comes in dancing with Yarinka.
CATHERINE [to Patiomkin]. The English captain wants you, little darling.
Catherine resumes her seat as Patiomkin intimates by a grotesque bow that he is at Edstaston"s service. Yarinka pa.s.ses behind Edstaston and Claire, and posts herself on Claire"s right.
EDSTASTON. Precisely. [To Claire. ] You observe, my love: "little darling." Well, if her Majesty calls him a darling, is it my fault that she calls me one too?
CLAIRE. I don"t care: I don"t think you ought to have done it. I am very angry and offended.
EDSTASTON. They tied me up, dear. I couldn"t help it. I fought for all I was worth.
THE SERGEANT [at the curtains]. He fought with the strength of lions and bears. G.o.d knows I shall carry a broken sweetbread to my grave.
EDSTASTON. You can"t mean to throw me over, Claire. [Urgently.] Claire.
Claire.
VARINKA [in a transport of sympathetic emotion, pleading with clasped hands to Claire]. Oh, sweet little angel lamb, he loves you: it shines in his darling eyes. Pardon him, pardon him.
PATIOMKIN [rushing from the Empress"s side to Claire and falling on his knees to her]. Pardon him, pardon him, little cherub! little wild duck!
little star! little glory! little jewel in the crown of heaven!
CLAIRE. This is perfectly ridiculous.
VARINKA [kneeling to her]. Pardon him, pardon him, little delight, little sleeper in a rosy cradle.
CLAIRE. I"ll do anything if you"ll only let me alone.
THE SERGEANT [kneeling to her]. Pardon him, pardon him, lest the mighty man bring his whip to you. G.o.d knows we all need pardon!
CLAIRE [at the top of her voice]. I pardon him! I pardon him!
PATIOMKIN [springing up joyfully and going behind Claire, whom he raises in his arms]. Embrace her, victor of Bunker"s Hill. Kiss her till she swoons.
THE SERGEANT. Receive her in the name of the holy Nicholas.
VARINKA. She begs you for a thousand dear little kisses all over her body.
CLAIRE [vehemently]. I do not. [Patiomkin throws her into Edstaston"s arms.] Oh! [The pair, awkward and shamefaced, recoil from one another, and remain utterly inexpressive.]