(_Doorbell rings off_ L. TARVER _sits on stool_.)
GRICE. (_Alarmed_) Wasn"t that the front doorbell?
MADGE. (_Coming down stage_) Who is to break the news to her?
GRICE. (_Pauses, looks around and suddenly points to_ TARVER) _Tarver_.
TARVER. (_Springs to his feet in horror_) Me? No, no. I think it needs a woman"s voice. (_Waving his hands feebly up and down in front of him_) A woman"s gentle fingers.
FARADAY. G.o.d bless my soul! It isn"t going to be broken to her in the deaf and dumb alphabet.
EVELYN. Let"s leave Father to break the sad news to her.
FARADAY. Me! No, no. I might break down. Someone outside the family would have more command over their emotions. Some old, warm-hearted friend. (_Pause, while_ GRICE _shows alarm_.) Grice, for instance.
GRICE. _Me!_ No, no. Ah! I have an idea. (_Comes down stage, and_ FARADAY, MADGE, EVELYN _and_ TARVER _gather about him_, FARADAY L., MADGE L.C., GRICE C., EVELYN R.C., TARVER R. _Slowly, seriously and impressively_) Let us all break it to her--gently--when she comes into the room. I"ll give the signal--one, two, three and then we"ll all say together and very gently, "Colonel Smith is dead." (_Looks for approval and they all turn away in disgust_.)
(FARADAY _goes extreme_ L., MADGE _back to head of table_ L., TARVER _extreme_ R. _and_ EVELYN _to chair_ R.C.)
AUNT IDA. (_Coming down stage_) Hadn"t you better leave it to me?
(_All show tremendous relief_.)
MADGE. Of course.
FARADAY. You are the very person.
GRICE. Hush! Now everybody try to be quite calm and natural and act as though nothing whatever had happened. Oh!!! The Times!
(_All rush for the Times_. GRICE _seizes outer sheet of Times and looks wildly about for some place to hide it. In desperation, he thrusts it up his coat at the back_. PHYLLIS _seizes a sheet, runs up and hides it under piano cover_. MADGE _also seizes a sheet and hides it behind curtain of card room_. GRICE _sits_ R. _of_ L. _table.
Everyone a.s.sumes strained positions with set grins on their faces.
Enter_ CELIA, L.I _entrance. She brings with her two small packages wrapped in tissue paper. She is dressed elaborately in outdoor costume and carries a light m.u.f.f_.)
CELIA. (_Brightly_) Good afternoon, everybody.
(_All give a short, nervous giggle, pause and then say together, "Good afternoon, Celia"_ CELIA _crosses to chair_ L. _of table_.)
FARADAY. (_Coming down_ L. _of_ CELIA, _offering to take her m.u.f.f_) Allow me, dear.
CELIA. (_Giving it to him_) Oh! Thank you, Father.
(FARADAY _holds both his hands in m.u.f.f_. PHYLLIS _solicitously takes_ CELIA"S _gloves_.)
MADGE. (_In a bereaved tone, offering her a cup of tea_) Celia, dear, have some tea?
(FARADAY _goes up and around to back_, R.C.)
CELIA. No, thanks, Madge. I"ve been having tea with the d.u.c.h.ess. Oh, how do you do, Admiral. (_Shaking hands across table with_ GRICE) You don"t know how I"m looking forward to your dinner party to-night.
(_Sits_ L. _of table_ L., _unwrapping two small parcels and placing tissue paper on book slide_.)
GRICE. (_Very gloomily_) It was a good dinner. I suppose that now----
(FARADAY _coughs and all in a strained whisper say, "Admiral!"_)
TARVER. (_Rising and coming_ C.) Did you manage to catch Wilson?
(TARVER"S _question shocks all_.)
PHYLLIS. (_Trying to hush him_) Bobby!
EVELYN. (_In a hoa.r.s.e whisper_) Just at this time, too.
CELIA. No, Bobby, he was out; but see what I brought you--some throat lozenges and a box to keep them in.
TARVER. (_Comes to her at foot of table and takes boxes from her.
Lugubriously_) It"s awfully good of you to think of me, Celia.
(_Crosses back to_ L.C.) Just at this time, too.
(EVELYN _pulls_ TARVER _violently around_ R. _He staggers across stage and falls in chair extreme_ R.)
OMNES. Hush!!!
(GRICE _glares at_ TARVER, PHYLLIS _and_ MADGE _offer_ CELIA _tea_, FARADAY _the m.u.f.fin-stand, and_ GRICE _offers her the plate of cake.
All this is done quickly and simultaneously_.)
PHYLLIS. You had better have some tea, Celia.
GRICE. (_Smiling at her_) Cake, with plums in it.
CELIA. (_Laughing_) You are all very kind to me this afternoon.