I knocked quietly at Blake"s door, even though I had my finger on his key in my pocket. He greeted me with a smile that nearly took my breath away. He was gorgeous in his tired worn-out blue jeans and a simple white T-shirt. His hair was wayward and messy. Despite the long night, he looked rested and happy.
"Hey, beautiful." He lifted me off my feet and kissed me.
I returned it, slave to the habit of melting into his touch and craving his skin on mine. What the h.e.l.l was I thinking? Nothing about this was going to be remotely easy.
"What do you want for breakfast?"
He lowered me back down but stayed close, twisting a strand of my hair around his finger. I shook my head and looked away, physically incapable of looking at his eyes straight on.
"You okay?"
"Yeah." I stood there awkwardly, paralyzed. "Can we...talk?"
"Okay." His eyes narrowed slightly and he stepped back into the apartment, closing the door behind us. He walked farther in, but I lingered by the door, not wanting to get too comfortable. I couldn"t get pulled into the usual routine between us.
I shifted my weight back and forth a few times. He raised his eyebrows a fraction. s.h.i.t, I should have just emailed him. I couldn"t do this face to face.
You can do this. You have to do this.
"I think we need some s.p.a.ce." My teeth clenched against the tremble that threatened to take over. I fisted my hands, determined not to lose it.
All signs of warmth and humor had left his face. "What does that mean?" His voice was low, eerily so.
s.h.i.t, this was happening. This was really happening.
"I"m going to stay at Marie"s for a while. I need some time, and I think it would be easier if I wasn"t here."
"Time? How much time?"
"I don"t know."
I had no idea how long. I hadn"t nearly given up on the idea that I could get us out of this mess, but I needed time with Daniel to figure out how to get us there. I couldn"t risk Blake"s life in the meantime. His life... I couldn"t gamble with it. The thought of Daniel making good on his threat hit me again-a terrible, sobering thought that gave me the resolve I latched onto now.
If I did nothing else, I would protect him. He"d chosen me, tried to protect me, and now here we were.
"Where the h.e.l.l is this coming from? Did I do something wrong?"
I shook my head, not wanting him to blame himself but knowing he"d probably find a way to anyway.
"Everything is just too much right now. I"m falling behind at work. I can"t focus. And then this news about Mark came as such a shock. I haven"t really had time to process everything." Sadly, most of that was true, which was probably the only reason I could get the words out. "And I can"t do that with you around right now."
He shook his head, his eyes wide. I was leaving the safe world of Blake, slipping further out of his reach.
"No. I-f.u.c.king no. We can figure this out, whatever it is. We haven"t even had a chance to talk since I got back, Erica, and now you"re dropping this on me?"
I cut him off quickly, afraid to let him take over the conversation. "I thought about things a lot when you were gone too." About how much I love you, can"t breathe without you. "And I think this is the best thing right now. I care about you, Bl-"
"You care about me?" His brows knitted tightly together.
I"d struck a chord.
He took a step closer and I stepped back against the door, as if the volume of his voice could knock me down. His anger felt like a physical blow. The venom in his words rapidly worked its way through my system. The tears threatened and I squeezed my eyes closed, fighting them.
"Please, Blake. Just give me time. That"s all I"m asking for." My voice was a whisper.
"Is this about James?"
I let the thought roll over in my mind a moment. He"d handed me a reason, one that would hurt him deeply. I could admit to the lie and he"d believe me. Surely the thought of an infidelity would be devastating enough to sever the love he felt for me, with no question whether I was actually telling him the truth.
I shook my head. I couldn"t stomach the backlash that might come from that false admission.
"No. This has nothing to do with James."
"You"re not telling me something, Erica. How do we go from you drunk wanting phone s.e.x to last night, which was amazing by the way, and now this?"
He"d need answers. He wouldn"t let me go without them. Maybe after we"d had some time to come to terms with the separation, I could give him some reason that made sense. But not now. Everything was too raw. He"d see right through me.
Too much was unsaid, but I couldn"t tell him the truth. He"d go after Daniel, and we"d be in an even bigger mess. Jesus, maybe none of us would survive it. Like a Quentin Tarantino movie where you can"t begin to count the b.l.o.o.d.y bodies on the floor. We"d be among them, no one winning. Just one big b.l.o.o.d.y f.u.c.king mess.
"I will always love you," I whispered, afraid of saying the words with the pa.s.sion I really felt. Once I"d said them, I relaxed a little. The truth felt right, and he needed to know that, if nothing else. "I know you"re angry. You have every right to be, but please don"t doubt that."
He came close, bringing his arm up to rest on the door. I flinched back. Like an abused animal, I"d been hit, and in that split second I expected it. He lowered his hand and stared hard at me. He shoved his hands through his hair. I took a deep breath, wishing I could tell him who"d planted that fear in me, to take that pain away from him.
This is going to hurt. I was here to deliver the blow, not soften it.
I fumbled with the clasps on my bracelets and lifted the two sparkling bangles to give to him. I hoped for a second that he might take them, accept them, but he stood motionless before me, boring into me with those beautiful hazel eyes. I looked away, hating how they pleaded with me, fearful he"d see right into me. When he wouldn"t take them, I stepped past him and set them on the counter with his key.
I turned back to leave.
"Stop."
I faced the door, my hand on the k.n.o.b, ready to bolt.
He was close. His ragged breath caressed my skin.
"You"re doing it again. You"re running."
"I"m not running. I"m leaving."
"What if I don"t let you come back this time? How many times am I going to let you do this to us, for f.u.c.k"s sake?"
I clenched my jaw, hating the thought that this might be the last chance he"d give me.
"Look at me, G.o.dd.a.m.nit." He slammed his palm on the door.
I jumped at the sound and the edge in his voice. I took a deep breath and turned slowly to face him.
"Tell me why you"re really doing this, and I"ll tell you why it"s wrong."
"I told you, I need time."
"Bulls.h.i.t."
"I should go."
"No, you should stay here, with me. This is where you belong."
I closed my eyes and shook my head. I couldn"t believe I"d found the strength to come this far, but inside I was unraveling. My love for Blake fought for control over the very real threat that I needed to protect him from.
I needed to leave before I lost my resolve. Before I could, I turned and left him without another word.
I tried to move quickly, but the albatross of emotion slowed my movements, numbing me. I went through the motions of packing in this dazed and detached state as tears blurred my vision. How I managed it I"ll never know, but I"d stuffed most everything I might need for a few weeks away from the apartment into my large suitcase.
Sid was hidden away in his room, so thankfully I didn"t have to face him again. I stepped outside, and out of pure habit I scanned the street for the black Escalade and Clay. The threat of Mark was gone, and Blake was back in town. We weren"t together anymore, so there was no need for a babysitter. Despite the fact that I disagreed with the whole concept of a security detail, Clay had grown on me a bit.
My gaze shot down the street, and I noticed a less welcome presence. Connor leaned against the town car. He tipped his hat toward me. A mere gesture I a.s.sumed, since he was likely tasked with reporting my every move back to Daniel. He"d keep it up until Daniel believed that things were done between Blake and me.
I walked toward him, my suitcase rolling loudly behind me. "You can tell him it"s done. Now leave me the f.u.c.k alone."
His face was as stark and emotionless as it had been the last time I"d seen him. "I"ll give him the message."
I walked past him and hailed a cab, starting the journey to Marie"s on the outskirts of the city. As we turned off Comm Ave, I checked behind me to make sure Connor wasn"t following. Thankfully, he wasn"t. Marie was the last person I wanted Daniel checking in on. He had no idea we were still in contact, and she was one of the only people who knew what he really was to me.
The cab navigated through light traffic. Throngs of people went about their days. Happy, normal people with easy problems. I was leaving the only home I"d ever really known, and Blake was right. I was running away. This was an aimless and desperate escape from a world I"d created, one I truly loved.
CHAPTER TWELVE.
Marie didn"t question me when I arrived. She just held me so tight it almost hurt. I sobbed into her, letting all the misery pour from me.
"Whatever it is, we"ll get through it, baby girl," she promised.
I needed that, for someone who loved me and didn"t know a d.a.m.n thing about anything to promise me that everything was going to be all right. I wanted so badly to believe it.
I spent the day watching mindless television while she went out to run some errands. I wanted to fill my brain with nonsense, anything to drown out the misery.
After I enjoyed an amazing home-cooked dinner and a few gla.s.ses of wine, my tension had started to ease slightly. I didn"t feel so numb, and I"d finally stopped crying, which seemed like progress.
Marie and I had settled in her den, jazz playing quietly in the background as we curled up on her two large couches. I covered up with a blanket and held a big wine gla.s.s between my palms. A comfortable silence had settled between us.
"I"m sorry for just dropping in on you like this."
"Don"t be ridiculous. You can always come here. Day or night. This is your home too."
"Thank you. That means a lot." I didn"t have many other places to run to, sadly.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She canted her head to the side.
The past couple days" events flashed through my mind. First Mark, and now this. As soon as one burden had been lifted, another replaced it. Despite my complete and utter breakdown since arriving, I"d avoided telling her anything. She a.s.sumed something had gone terribly wrong with Blake, and for now, that was enough.
"Not really," I finally said.
"Maybe you should. I"ve never seen you like this, honey."
I was a mess, true. I looked like h.e.l.l but I was grateful that I didn"t have to put on a happy face, or makeup for that matter, when I was with Marie. I could just be, even if I wasn"t planning to tell her the whole truth.
"We"re taking a break. That"s all. I don"t expect it to be easy, but trust me when I say it"s for the best."
"What did he do?"
"It"s not him, it"s me. I... I really don"t want to talk about it, Marie. Not right now, anyway."
She didn"t look entirely satisfied with my unwillingness to share, but she wouldn"t push me. She never had. She was always good about giving me s.p.a.ce, not smothering me with concern and questions. Because she was, I typically ended up telling her more than I probably should. But this was different.
"I do want to talk about Daniel, though."
She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Please, not this again. At this point you could probably tell me more than I could tell you about the man."
"Have you seen the news?"
She nodded. "Yes, I saw that his son died. Tragic. Have you spoken to him about it?"
"Yes, he"s taking it pretty well."
That sounded more sarcastic than I"d wanted it to. The wine was making me too loose. I set down my gla.s.s. I couldn"t afford truth serum slip-ups. I had too much at stake to risk getting sloppy.
"I want you to tell me everything you know about him, Marie. Don"t worry about sugar coating the past. Trust me when I say I have no illusions about him."
She sat quietly, tracing the rim of her gla.s.s. Our eyes met, and I could see there was more that she hadn"t told me. No doubt for my own sake.
"Why do you want to know so badly? Don"t you ever think that Patty didn"t tell you for a reason?"
"I think about that every day."
What if I hadn"t been so d.a.m.n curious? I"d never have found Mark. I"d still have my anonymity and he"d still be alive. Blake wouldn"t be half responsible for his death and at risk of losing his own life. Jesus, everything would look so different right now. So very different.
"I want to know because I don"t entirely trust him. He wants me in his life. Not publicly as his daughter, of course, but I need to know what I"m getting into. He"s not extremely forthcoming, and his wife wants me at a distance. It"s complicated. I figured if you could tell me something about his past, that would be a start. At the very least, I"d like to know who he was."
She stared into her gla.s.s, her mouth in a grim line. "I had no idea you"d find him, but the minute you did, I had this terrible feeling that it would come to this."