He kissed my throat, taking advantage of the position. "Now you"re catching on." His warm breath sent gooseflesh over my damp skin.
"Do you think they"ll be okay?"
I twisted a strand of his hair around my fingertip.
He nodded. We shared concern about Alli and Heath"s future, though they were probably disturbing the peace in Blake"s spare bedroom as we spoke.
"What will he do now?"
"He"ll stay with me for a little while to start, until we figure out his next move. In the meantime, I"ll be getting him more involved at work. He needs to finally take the business seriously. He"s been s.c.r.e.w.i.n.g around too long because I"ve let him. But responsibility is probably what he needs more than anything right now-something or someone to be accountable to other than his own superficial needs."
"I can"t believe you did this for them. You didn"t seem very optimistic about things before."
"I wasn"t."
"What changed?"
He shifted beneath me and I sat back a little, sensing he needed s.p.a.ce for what he wanted to say. He drenched the fine strands of his hair with the soapy bath water. I traced my hands over the hard curves of his pectorals. There was nothing s.e.xier than wet Blake.
I tore myself away from the mental inventory of Blake"s s.e.xiest qualities to press him. "Talk."
He sighed. "I don"t know. I guess I became more sympathetic to his position. Not the drug thing. Obviously I can"t relate to that. But the desperation in his voice when he talked about Alli. Like he couldn"t breathe without her, like anything he had left in him that was keeping him going, which probably wasn"t much, was draining by the day not being near her."
He paused, dropped his hands into the water, and stroked my hips with his thumbs, tightening his hold possessively.
"He loves her." I finished his thought, as convinced as ever of what they shared.
"I know he does. The way he sounds when they aren"t together, that"s how I feel every time you run away from me. And I couldn"t wish that on anyone else."
My heart shattered. All the times I"d pushed him away, out of fear, self-preservation, and pure, justifiable rage. But every time I did, my heart ached for him, a bone-deep pain that weakened me at the very core. A part of me wanted to keep that line drawn between us, keep him at a safe distance from my professional life. But fighting it so hard left me in pieces.
"I"m sorry." My voice was heavy with emotion.
He hushed me and pulled me closer so our bodies were flush. Wet, we slid against each other. His skin on mine, his arms wrapped around me, we were so close. Awareness simmered low in my belly, coiling slowly with every touch, but our motions were careful and deliberate as we caressed each other with infinite care. I was overwhelmed, racked by the potent emotions that had taken over in his presence.
Maybe Marie had been right. We"d pa.s.sed the point of being the best we could be on our own. What we were together had become so much more powerful, a force that took my breath away and made everything secondary. As much as I hated to admit it, Blake Landon was fast becoming everything to me.
With every stroke of our tongues, roam of our hands, my heart swelled with love. With trust. As my touches became urgent, Blake"s became more controlled, gentler when they should have possessed me with the fierce craving that we shared for each other. I pulled back, determined tonight would be different.
"I want you to take control tonight."
He leveled an even stare at me.
"Complete control. Whatever you need." I kept my voice steady even as I worried what I was getting myself into.
His body tensed beneath me. "Erica, we"re not doing this, okay?"
"I love you and I want to do this for you. I trust you to take me as far as you think I can go. I... I can"t promise anything because I don"t know what you want exactly, but I want to try."
"Stop."
He shifted, giving me a little push to move back. A panic welled up in me.
"No, wait. Please." I sighed and pressed my temples, hating what I was about to admit. "A part of me...even when I"m fighting you every step of the way, there"s a part of me that wants to give you control over everything. Real life submission." I cringed inwardly at the words as they left me. "The thought of letting go... I"d be lying if I said it wasn"t a tempting and intoxicating notion. I"ve been taking care of myself for so long."
He brushed his knuckles over my cheek, and warmth washed over me. He was hearing me. I wanted to believe that he could somehow understand, sense the weight I carried with so few people to really rely on.
"You take care of people, and I know I could trust you with anything I gave you. I recognize that and I fight it, because it scares the h.e.l.l out of me. I can"t give you that much control in my life. I just can"t. But I think with s.e.x, I could give you the kind of control that you want."
"How are you supposed to do that? Flip a switch?"
"I think I can. I-"
"What about everything you"ve been through? How can you possibly think the things I want are healthy for you?"
"I don"t know what you want. Show me and I"ll tell you."
He sighed heavily. "Erica, you"re a strong, independent woman. Unlike anyone I"ve ever met. You prove it to me every day, no matter how difficult I make it for you. And I don"t want to try to take that away from you, to bend you to do things that you really don"t want to."
"How do you know I don"t want it?"
He shook his head and looked away. "What if I take things too far, and it"s something we can"t come back from?"
"I trust you."
I kissed him, reveling in the silken friction of our bodies beneath the water. He was hard. Maybe he already had plans. I"d show him I could be the right person for whatever he needed. Then a chilling thought crept into my mind.
Sophia.
I wasn"t sure I"d even said her name out loud until Blake"s expression turned cold. His lips tightened into a thin line.
"Don"t, baby. We"re not going there."
"No, wait. Was she on board for all this submissive stuff that turns you on so much?"
He hesitated.
"Just tell me," I snapped. I didn"t want to dance around this with him.
He paused for a long moment. He nodded slowly, avoiding my eyes.
As quickly as he"d acknowledged the question, I wished he hadn"t. f.u.c.king Sophia. I hated her now more than I had before. The jealousy nearly paralyzed me. Being physically compared to Blake"s model ex-girlfriend was hard enough. To know she"d been what he wanted s.e.xually was almost more than I could take. I shrank back to my side of the tub. The water was becoming uncomfortably cool.
He eyed me. "It wasn"t a matter of her agetting on board" with things. She wanted to be submissive with me. It was her G.o.dd.a.m.n idea. Needless to say, taking a dominant role with her wasn"t much of a challenge. But she always wanted to push things further. The things she wanted me to do bordered on dangerous at times. That"s not what I want with you. But being in that kind of relationship for as long as we were..."
"It"s what you crave now." I finished his thought, knowing it was true before he could confirm it.
"Sometimes, yes."
"The things we"ve done, were you testing me, to see what I could take?"
"In a way. I"ve pushed you. I think we both realize that."
"And the times when I"ve taken control..."
He leaned his head back against the tub. "It"s been difficult for me. I"ve tried to be so careful with you, Erica. You have no idea."
"Tell me what you want, Blake."
"It really doesn"t matter at this point."
"I deserve to know." I held my breath, waiting for him to speak.
"Total submission. Total control over your pleasure and pain." His voice was flat, matter-of-fact, as if he were negotiating a business deal and those were his terms.
My breath left me in a sharp exhale as the reality of his words. .h.i.t me. Was that something I could give? A different kind of panic gripped me. I wrapped my arms around my knees, trying to stave off the chill that had now deepened. I couldn"t lose Blake.
"Fine, I"ll do it," I rushed before I could really think it through.
A deep groove marked his brow and his eyes widened slightly, as if my concession truly scared him. He sat up out of the water, leaning his arms on his knees. "Why would you do that?"
"Because you mean more to me than anyone ever has. I need to at least try."
"This isn"t about pleasing me."
"You"re right. This is about me loving you enough to take a chance. I think I"m finally getting used to that."
I stood up and toweled off on my way to the bedroom. I was trembling now, shivering. The water hadn"t been that cool. I was terrified. Why? Blake had never really hurt me. He"d never hurt me. I stood at the edge of the bed, unsure what to do.
Blake came up behind me. I fisted my hands into the terry cloth of the towel that was bunched around between my b.r.e.a.s.t.s. I took a deep breath to quell the quiet tremors that staggered through me.
"This isn"t what I want. What you"re feeling now. We haven"t even done anything and you"re scared to death."
I turned to face him. "Tell me what to do. I"m nervous. I"m afraid I"ll do something wrong."
"No, you"re afraid I"m going to hurt you."
I clenched my jaw and hated that he"d given voice to my fears-fears that were so deeply a part of me. They"d followed me around for years. I wanted to cry at the thought that I"d never be free from them. "I know you won"t hurt me."
"If you"re so sure, why are you scared?"
I swallowed hard. "You know why."
He lifted my chin, angling my face to his. His eyes brewed with emotion in the soft light of the room. He was deciding. I could see the calculations taking place. He was weighing the pull of his desire against the very real chance that I could freak out if he did something too far outside of my comfort zone.
I dropped my towel and pressed my body against his. His skin burned against mine. My body began to unwind at the warmth of the contact.
He palmed my breast and took my nipple between his fingertips, twisting the hardened tip gently. "What if I just want to toss you on the bed and f.u.c.k you senseless? Vanilla. Missionary. Hard."
I bit my lip. His words washed over me like a heat wave. That sounded very appealing, but he was dodging me. "I"m sure you can come up with something more creative than that."
He silenced me with a hard kiss. "Slow. We"re going to go slow. I"m going to make love to you, baby."
His words sounded more like an affirmation than an expression of what he really wanted, deep down. His hands were restless, carefully grasping and releasing me as if he were at war with his own body. His urgency lit the fire in me. A warm glow built in my core and shot through my limbs until my skin was as fevered as his.
I kissed him back, swallowing the affirmations that would sell us both short on what we wanted, craved. I gripped his shoulders, tangling my fingers in his hair. I couldn"t get close enough. I wanted to coax out the animal that wanted to come at me with everything he had. I wasn"t scared anymore. I needed him.
"Take me how you want me. Do anything you want. G.o.d, please. I need it, need you," I moaned, rubbing myself helplessly against him.
"No." He uttered the refusal through gritted teeth. His body was taut, frozen, as if a single movement would break his resolve.
I licked my lips, nearly wild with the sensation of his erection against my belly. I wanted him so badly I thought I would go mad. I couldn"t wait anymore. In an instant, I lowered to my knees and caressed his length gently in my palms. I"d figure out how to be submissive with or without his help. I slid my mouth over the tip and sucked, swirling my tongue around the sensitive tip. I moaned, loving the taste of him, the subtle scent of his body.
He let out a sigh, as if he"d been holding his breath for far too long. I licked him, sucked him, and grazed my teeth ever so softly until he trembled slightly. Submissive or not, I held all the cards in this position. But maybe I didn"t have to.
I slowed my motions and relaxed my mouth. I grabbed him from behind and pushed him deep until he hit the back of my throat. His breath whistled through his teeth. He slid out of me slowly, his c.o.c.k resting on my lips. I dug my fingernails into his a.s.s and he jolted forward into my mouth. I swallowed, undulating over the head of his c.o.c.k.
"f.u.c.k." He sifted his fingers through my hair, cradling my head. "What are you doing to me?"
"I want you to f.u.c.k my mouth. Control me with your hands. Show me what you want." The words came out like an order, but I couldn"t help it. He needed to understand I was ready for this now.
"You don"t listen to a d.a.m.n word I say."
I smirked, gliding my tongue lazily over and around his length, in slow motion. I waited for him, pushing him deep again and again.
Letting out a low growl, he fisted his hand in my hair and his hips bucked slightly. I took him fully and eagerly with each careful thrust. Then he deepened them, hitting the back of my throat, giving me just as much as I could handle.
"You"re so beautiful like this, baby...on your knees. All for me." He stroked my cheek and pulled back to let me catch my breath before doing exactly what I"d asked him to do. His grip on my hair tightened almost painfully as he maneuvered me, f.u.c.king my mouth with measured strokes. He sucked in a sharp breath, giving me more.
I moaned, loving the satin skin of his erection sliding against my tongue as I struggled to take all of him.
The sounds he made a.s.sured me that this was driving him nuts. A fine mist covered my skin as I gave myself over to the moment. I wanted to touch myself, to feel how wet he"d already made me, but I didn"t. I kept my hands rested on the muscles of his thighs that had tensed into rock hard bunches.
I couldn"t stop thinking about what he"d feel like inside me, pumping with the same fervor and pa.s.sion. The sheer power of his body was evident in this position. My mouth couldn"t sustain the fierce thrusts that he"d normally give me if we were f.u.c.king. He was carefully reined in for this more delicate position, but he was in complete control. I was so vulnerable, completely at his mercy. Trusting him, and letting him take his pleasure from me was intoxicating.
I lightly dug my nails into his thighs, my desire reaching a fever pitch.
"You okay?"
"Don"t stop."
"I don"t think I could if I wanted to. Feels too good. f.u.c.king amazing actually."
I closed my mouth over him again and crept my fingers up and over his abs. They flexed and tightened with each careful thrust until he cried out, spurting hot s.e.m.e.n down my throat. I swallowed and milked every last drop from him with my tongue.
He released me and pulled us onto the bed where he collapsed, laying me on his chest. He frowned with his eyes closed as he caught his breath. I pressed hot kisses along his chest, licking the dip of his collarbone. He grabbed my wrists, his eyes now open but still heavy with desire.
"You keep that up, you"re going to get it."