At this he bowed deferentially in our direction, and there was some faint applause. To my horror d.i.c.ky promptly rose to his feet, and, returning the podgy young man"s bow, delivered himself in a resonant Gaelic whinny of the following outrageous flight of fancy:--
"Hech-na hoch-na hoy ah hoo!"
As delivered, I am bound to admit that it sounded like a perfectly genuine expression of Celtic fervour. d.i.c.ky sat down, amid an interested murmur, and whispered hurriedly to me:--
"Interpret, old soul!"
I rose miserably to my feet.
"My friend," I announced, wondering dimly how long it would be before the podgy young man and his satellites uprose and cast us forth, "has replied to your very kind welcome by a quotation from one of his national poets,--er, Ossian,--which, roughly translated, means that, however uncouth his exterior may be, he never forgets a kindness!"
Which was rather good, I think.
There was more applause, which had the disastrous effect of rousing Mr.
Duckworth from his slumbers. Finding that every one present was clapping his hands and looking in his direction, he struggled to his feet.
"Mr. Chairman, ladies and gentlemen," he began cheerfully, "in response to your most flattering encore I shall have great pleasure, with your attention and permission, in givin" you my celebrated imitation"--here he began to stiffen into the old familiar epileptic att.i.tude--"of Sir George Irving--"
We drew him down, as gently as possible, into his seat, and the secretary, slightly disconcerted, called upon the lecturer to begin.
The professor rose, and having bowed gallantly to the secretary"s wife, the only lady present,--a courtesy which was acknowledged by that young woman, with true British politeness, by a convulsive giggle,--proceeded, in language which betrayed the fact that although he might be able to teach French he could not p.r.o.nounce English, to explain his _modus operandi_. He proposed, we discovered, to describe in his own tongue some familiar scene of everyday life, suiting his action to the word, and laying his hand, whenever possible, upon the objects mentioned in his discourse, in order to a.s.sist us in grasping his meaning.
"_Par exemple_," he explained, "if I touch ze "at of madam, so"--here he darted across the room and laid a playful finger on the brim of Mrs.
Secretary"s rather flamboyant headgear, a familiarity which that paragon of British propriety greeted with an hysterical "Ow, George!"--"and say _chapeau_, den you vill onnerstand vat I mean."
"I doubt it, old son," observed Mr. Duckworth gravely.
"To-night," continued the professor, who had fortunately been unable to understand this innuendo, "I vill describe a simple scene zat you all know--_n"est-ce pas_?"
Here he struck an att.i.tude, as if to imply that they must be careful not to miss this bit, and declaimed:--
"_Ze postman, "ow "e brings ze letters._"
This announcement was greeted with a stony silence.
"I tell you ze t.i.tle," he added in warning tones, "but after now I spik no more Engleesh."
"Quite right; I would n"t if I were you," remarked Mr. Duckworth approvingly.
The professor bowed politely at this commendation from such an exalted quarter, and plunged into his subject.
"_Le facteur, comment il apporte les lettres!_"
The audience, composed exclusively of podgy young men like the secretary, received this exordium with different degrees of self-consciousness, after the manner of the Englishman when a foreign language is spoken in his presence. Some looked extremely knowing, while others stirred uneasily in their seats, and regarded each other with shamefaced grins.
The professor meanwhile had advanced to the window, and was gazing excitedly out into the darkness.
"_Regardez le facteur qui s"approche!_" he cried, pointing with his finger in the direction where I calculated that the Reverend Hugo and his attendant fiends were probably still waiting for us; "_dans la rue, la-bas! Il m"apporte peut-etre une lettre! Mais de qui? Ah, de--_"
Here he clutched his heart convulsively, evidently bent upon a touch of humorous sentiment: but a glance at the adamantine countenances of his audience caused him to change his mind, and he continued, rather lamely:--
"_Je descendrai au rez-de-chaussee. Je m"approche a la porte_--pardon, m"sieur!"
The last remark was addressed to Mr. Duckworth, the professor having stumbled over his legs on his way to the door. The Theologian responded politely with an imitation of a man drawing a cork, and the demonstration proceeded.
"_Je saisis le bouton,_" continued our instructor, convulsively clutching the door-handle. "_Je tour-r-r-rne le bouton! J"ouvre la porte! Je m"eloigne dans le corridor_--Oh, pardon, m"sieur! Je vous--"
He had torn open the door with a flourish and hurled himself into the pa.s.sage in faithful pursuance of his system, only to collide heavily and audibly with some unyielding body outside.
"Proctor"s compliments, sir," said a deep voice, "but if you are in charge "ere, will you kindly come and speak to "im a minute?"
The Frenchman"s answering flood of incomprehensible explanation was cut short by the secretary, who rose from his seat and hurried out. A few questions and answers pa.s.sed between him and the bull-dog, and then we heard their footsteps dying away in the direction of the front door, where the Reverend Hugo was doubtless waiting.
Next moment the company in the room were surprised, and I firmly believe disappointed, when the three last-joined recruits, after a hurried glance round the walls as if for a humbler means of exit, rose and unostentatiously quitted the apartment by the door.
Once in the pa.s.sage, we turned hastily and blindly to the left, leaving behind us the front door, which was blocked by an animated group composed of the secretary, the professor,--what he was doing there I do not know: perhaps he thought that three more pupils were applying for admission,--and the larger of the Reverend Hugo"s two bull-dogs, while that avenging angel"s voice could be heard uplifted in a stately harangue outside.
We scuttled up the pa.s.sage and dived through the first door that presented itself, closing and locking it behind us. On turning up the electric light we found ourselves in a large deserted room, occupied by two bagatelle tables. It was unfortunately lighted from the roof, which put escape by the window out of the question. However, at the far end we spied another door. Through this we rushed, into what appeared to be a recreation-room, occupied solely by two spectacled gentlemen immersed in a game of chess. Their surprise when three total strangers, two in unusual dress and all in an obvious hurry, invaded the privacy of their apartment, only to make a hasty and undignified exit by the window, must have been considerable, but we did not stay to observe it.
IV
Three weeks later The Freak came up to town for his Easter vacation, and dined with me at my club, and I heard the end of the tale.
Nothing very dreadful had happened, it appeared. Mr. Wickham, having laconically accepted full responsibility for the riot in his rooms, had been gated at eight for the rest of the term. The fact that I had ordered the dinner was unknown to the Proctors, and the College cook had not enlightened them. The ident.i.ty of the Marquis of Puddox, the Junior Egyptologist, and the a.s.sistant Professor of Comparative Theology had never been discovered.
"So your guilty secret, old thing," concluded d.i.c.ky, "is safe. And now I want to invite you to another function."
"Thank you," I said gruffly, "but I think not. What sort of function is it this time?"
"A wedding," replied d.i.c.ky unexpectedly.
"Great Scott! Yours?"
"No--The Jebber"s! He has grown quite a white man. The little homily which I took the liberty of delivering to him that evening, coupled with the very light sentence imposed, quite won his heart, it appears. He never leaves me now. Eats out of my hand. He is going down at the end of the May term like a sensible Jebber, and he is to be married to his girl in June."
"The girl of the photograph?"
"Yes. He has quite got over his wild-oats theories, and his girl now has him completely in hand. I have seen them together, and I know. They are very happy."
My romantic friend sighed comfortably, and concluded:--
"I have promised to be best man."
"You?"