Chapter 10.2
Right when I woke up a streak of lightning flashed across the window, followed by a rumble of thunder . The room was a swath of darkness, and I was no longer holding Yin Li’s hand . Feeling around, I realized that I was alone .
This feeling of abandonment suddenly scared me . Once again, unfamiliar faces began unremittingly flashing in my mind . My feelings continued to grow, and I felt panicked .
I didn’t want to stay here a moment longer . I climbed out of bed by myself, and feeling my way forwards, I blindly made my way out of the room .
“Yin Li! Yin Li! Yin Li, where are you?” Without even putting on my slippers, I had rushed out . I just wanted to escape from that room of nightmares . But in my frenzy, I forgot to turn on the lights, and I could only wander the dark hallway calling Yin Li’s name . My distressed voice echoed with an eerie vibrato .
Disregarding everything, I called out his name like a despairing traveler lost in the jungle .
“I’m over here . ” Then I finally heard the voice I was waiting for .
Yin Li walked around the corner of the stairs . I stopped him just as he moved to the light switch . “Don’t turn the lights on . ” I didn’t want him to see my face that was currently covered in tears .
“I only left to get a gla.s.s of water . Don’t worry, I’m here . ” Yin Li didn’t make a fuss over my strange behavior, he only tenderly rubbed my head .
I hugged him, leaning against him without a word .
Outside, as sheets of rain poured down from the sky, lightning flashed and thunder rolled . I lay in his lap, breathing in the faint scent of tobacco on his clothes . But I could sense that I was in a dangerous situation . I had already come to depend on Yin Li too much .
I couldn’t discern when this dependence and intimacy had began to take root . Perhaps from the moment I opened my eyes in the hospital . Or perhaps when he had gently scrubbed the kitten’s ears . Or perhaps it was now . Regardless, I knew it was irrational .
Just like my past, Yin Li was impossible to unravel . I didn’t know how much of what was between us was real or fake . I didn’t know whether he was a flawless actor or whether he was showing his true self . I didn’t know anything .
Just like my past, Yin Li was impossible to unravel . I didn’t know how much of what was between us was real or fake . I didn’t know whether he was a flawless actor or whether he was showing his true self . I didn’t know anything .
I had chosen a bad time to develop feelings for someone I shouldn’t have considered . But as I lay in his arms, I somehow felt that this development wasn’t the worst thing to have happened .
In the darkness, Yin Li held my hand and led me through the hallway, through the courtyard, and finally back to my bedroom, where he helped me back in bed .
“Get some sleep, Yan Xiao . ” Yin Li tucked the blankets in for me and then quietly sat by my side .
After the tumultuous events of the evening, I closed my eyes yet couldn’t fall asleep . Upon opening my eyes, I found that Yin Li was silently looking at me with a complicated expression . In the depths of his eyes, there seemed to swim a murderous severity . When he saw that I’d opened my eyes, his eyes flashed and his expression quickly changed back into a warm, harmless one, as if what I’d just witnessed was all merely part of a nightmare I’d now awoken from .
“Why did you wake up?” Perhaps because of a lack of sleep, his voice was low and ambiguous .
I looked at that male silhouette in the dark and suddenly felt as if time was warped backwards . As if in the past, he’d never belonged to me . This realization sent my heart into a panic . My mind was a mess . Those memories were like the scattered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and every piece was currently trying its hardest to return to its rightful spot . But the image they wanted to complete didn’t seem to be what I wanted to see .
I looked at that male silhouette in the dark and suddenly felt as if time was warped backwards . As if in the past, he’d never belonged to me . This realization sent my heart into a panic . My mind was a mess . Those memories were like the scattered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and every piece was currently trying its hardest to return to its rightful spot . But the image they wanted to complete didn’t seem to be what I wanted to see .
I shook my head and then looked up at Yin Li . I said a bit nonsensically, “Why don’t you read a book to me? I can’t sleep . Before—in the memories I remembered from before—it seemed like every time there was a thunderstorm at night and I couldn’t sleep, there would always been someone who’d read me a story, and then I wouldn’t be scared anymore . ”
Yin Li seemed to be surprised at this suggestion . He paused distractedly before asking, “Is any book fine?”
I could tell that he wasn’t very fond of my suggestion, and I also felt a little embarra.s.sed . As an adult, this sort of behavior looked ridiculously childish and a bit spoiled . Under Yin Li’s attentive gaze, I hurriedly nodded . “Anything is fine, as long as you read me something . It’s too quiet, making me feel uneasy . ”
A moment later, Yin Li came back with a few books .
“Game Theory, The History of Roman Architecture, An Introduction to Greek History . ” His voice sounded a bit helpless . “There’s only these types of books in this house . I don’t have any fairy tales, light-hearted adventures, or love stories . Do you still want to listen?”
I determinedly nodded my head, persisting anyway . 1 Wanting to close the distance between us, and maybe get more familiar with each other, I added, “If you can read all the books like this in your bookcase to me, I might just learn some self-restraint and become an intellectual . ” Then I continued unabashedly, “I have a feeling that in the past, I loved reading these types of books too! Our tastes are so similar!”
“Game Theory, The History of Roman Architecture, An Introduction to Greek History . ” His voice sounded a bit helpless . “There’s only these types of books in this house . I don’t have any fairy tales, light-hearted adventures, or love stories . Do you still want to listen?”
I determinedly nodded my head, persisting anyway . 1 Wanting to close the distance between us, and maybe get more familiar with each other, I added, “If you can read all the books like this in your bookcase to me, I might just learn some self-restraint and become an intellectual . ” Then I continued unabashedly, “I have a feeling that in the past, I loved reading these types of books too! Our tastes are so similar!”
1 The original text uses the idiom 义无反顾 to describe how Yan Xiao nods her head . It translates to “honor does not allow one to look back” and means like…not regretting your choices; no surrender; etc .
Yin Li looked at me but I didn’t dare meet his gaze . I could only lift my head and stare at the ceiling . Then smooth sound of his voice flowed through the room like a stream as he started reading . With great effort, I forced my eyes open and tried to concentrate, attempting to look as if I was paying attention to an interesting subject . It was a pity that by the time he got to Socrates, and was preparing to move on to Plato, my head crooked to the side and I fell asleep, forgetting about all my earthly troubles . I was not meant to be an elegant person .
When I woke up the next day, I found Yin Li slumped by my bed, asleep . In the morning light, his face had an unguarded innocence, giving him a kind of artless beauty . There was no sign of those expressions that made me feel uneasy or panicked . Underneath his eyes were dark circles, making anyone who saw him have their hearts inexplicably soften .
In that moment, I decided to like Yin Li, to pursue him, and to entangle him . If he liked me too, that would be the best scenario . If he didn’t, then I would pressure him until he did .
Right when I woke up a streak of lightning flashed across the window, followed by a rumble of thunder . The room was a swath of darkness, and I was no longer holding Yin Li s hand . Feeling around, I realized that I was alone . This feeling of abandonment suddenly scared me . Once again, unfamiliar faces began unremittingly flashing in my mind . My feelings continued to grow, and I felt panicked . I didn t want to stay here a moment longer . I climbed out of bed by myself, and feeling my way forwards, I blindly made my way out of the room . Yin Li Yin Li Yin Li, where are you Without even putting on my slippers, I had rushed out . I just wanted to escape from that room of nightmares . But in my frenzy, I forgot to turn on the lights, and I could only wander the dark hallway calling Yin Li s name . My distressed voice echoed with an eerie vibrato . Disregarding everything, I called out his name like a despairing traveler lost in the jungle . I m over here . Then I finally heard the voice I was waiting for . Yin Li walked around the corner of the stairs . I stopped him just as he moved to the light switch . Don t turn the lights on . I didn t want him to see my face that was currently covered in tears . I only left to get a gla.s.s of water . Don t worry, I m here . Yin Li didn t make a fuss over my strange behavior, he only tenderly rubbed my head . I hugged him, leaning against him without a word . Outside, as sheets of rain poured down from the sky, lightning flashed and thunder rolled . I lay in his lap, breathing in the faint scent of tobacco on his clothes . But I could sense that I was in a dangerous situation . I had already come to depend on Yin Li too much . I couldn t discern when this dependence and intimacy had began to take root . Perhaps from the moment I opened my eyes in the hospital . Or perhaps when he had gently scrubbed the kitten s ears . Or perhaps it was now . Regardless, I knew it was irrational . Just like my past, Yin Li was impossible to unravel . I didn t know how much of what was between us was real or fake . I didn t know whether he was a flawless actor or whether he was showing his true self . I didn t know anything . I had chosen a bad time to develop feelings for someone I shouldn t have considered . But as I lay in his arms, I somehow felt that this development wasn t the worst thing to have happened . In the darkness, Yin Li held my hand and led me through the hallway, through the courtyard, and finally back to my bedroom, where he helped me back in bed . Get some sleep, Yan Xiao . Yin Li tucked the blankets in for me and then quietly sat by my side . After the tumultuous events of the evening, I closed my eyes yet couldn t fall asleep . Upon opening my eyes, I found that Yin Li was silently looking at me with a complicated expression . In the depths of his eyes, there seemed to swim a murderous severity . When he saw that I d opened my eyes, his eyes flashed and his expression quickly changed back into a warm, harmless one, as if what I d just witnessed was all merely part of a nightmare I d now awoken from . Why did you wake up Perhaps because of a lack of sleep, his voice was low and ambiguous . I looked at that male silhouette in the dark and suddenly felt as if time was warped backwards . As if in the past, he d never belonged to me . This realization sent my heart into a panic . My mind was a mess . Those memories were like the scattered pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, and every piece was currently trying its hardest to return to its rightful spot . But the image they wanted to complete didn t seem to be what I wanted to see . I shook my head and then looked up at Yin Li . I said a bit nonsensically, Why don t you read a book to me I can t sleep . Before in the memories I remembered from before it seemed like every time there was a thunderstorm at night and I couldn t sleep, there would always been someone who d read me a story, and then I wouldn t be scared anymore . Yin Li seemed to be surprised at this suggestion . He paused distractedly before asking, Is any book fine I could tell that he wasn t very fond of my suggestion, and I also felt a little embarra.s.sed . As an adult, this sort of behavior looked ridiculously childish and a bit spoiled . Under Yin Li s attentive gaze, I hurriedly nodded . Anything is fine, as long as you read me something . It s too quiet, making me feel uneasy . A moment later, Yin Li came back with a few books . Game Theory, The History of Roman Architecture, An Introduction to Greek History . His voice sounded a bit helpless . There s only these types of books in this house . I don t have any fairy tales, light hearted adventures, or love stories . Do you still want to listen I determinedly nodded my head, persisting anyway . 1 Wanting to close the distance between us, and maybe get more familiar with each other, I added, If you can read all the books like this in your bookcase to me, I might just learn some self restraint and become an intellectual . Then I continued unabashedly, I have a feeling that in the past, I loved reading these types of books too Our tastes are so similar 1 The original text uses the idiom to describe how Yan Xiao nods her head . It translates to honor does not allow one to look back and means like not regretting your choices no surrender etc . Yin Li looked at me but I didn t dare meet his gaze . I could only lift my head and stare at the ceiling . Then smooth sound of his voice flowed through the room like a stream as he started reading . With great effort, I forced my eyes open and tried to concentrate, attempting to look as if I was paying attention to an interesting subject . It was a pity that by the time he got to Socrates, and was preparing to move on to Plato, my head crooked to the side and I fell asleep, forgetting about all my earthly troubles . I was not meant to be an elegant person . When I woke up the next day, I found Yin Li slumped by my bed, asleep . In the morning light, his face had an unguarded innocence, giving him a kind of artless beauty . There was no sign of those expressions that made me feel uneasy or panicked . Underneath his eyes were dark circles, making anyone who saw him have their hearts inexplicably soften . In that moment, I decided to like Yin Li, to pursue him, and to entangle him . If he liked me too, that would be the best scenario . If he didn t, then I would pressure him until he did .