"What happened back there?"
"Nothing."
"Harp, that wasn"t "nothing". I saw Ethan"s hand and know he punched that guy, but I need to know why. What did he say to you?"
I turn my head toward the pa.s.senger window and focus on the green landscape in front of me, because I"m just not ready to tell Connor everything.
"Does this have anything to do with what happened with you and your mom? You"ve been distant, and after what happened tonight, I need you to tell me what"s going on."
"This has nothing to do with you Connor. Just take me home."
He sighs, "Seriously, it"s ok. We can get through this together. I promise it won"t change anything between us. Just talk to me."
"No. Take. Me. Home."
He punches the steering wheel and pulls back onto the road. The rest of the drive home my mind swirls with thoughts and words. I hear my mom tell me over and over again how I ruined her life. I hear Alex call me a wh.o.r.e. I remember how unwanted I"ve felt for so long. I look at Connor and realize that I don"t deserve him. He"s too good for me and should be with someone better ... someone who can make him happy and who doesn"t need to be saved all the time because she"s strong enough to save herself. That girl isn"t me.
The tension between us is suffocating and as soon as we get to his house, I jump out and run to my room. I start packing, stuffing clothes into my bags as quickly as I can. As soon as I"m done, I call my mom and tell her I"m ready to come home. She gladly agrees to pick me up and within minutes, I am quietly tip toeing down the hall into the front sitting room, to meet her outside.
"What are you doing?"
Connor"s voice from behind me makes me jump. c.r.a.p. His door was shut when I went by so I thought for sure he was in his room. He must have been in the kitchen or living room because he"s still dressed in his suit, and is holding his jacket over his arm. I"m not going to be able to avoid him.
"I"m going home. My mom"s picking me up any minute," I tell him.
"Why?"
"Because I need to go. I can"t stay here forever and after what happened tonight, I just want to be at home."
"Why does it look like you are trying to sneak out of here?"
I shift uncomfortably and look down at my feet, "I ... um, I just didn"t want to wake anyone up."
"So, you were going to sneak out of here at eleven o"clock at night because you didn"t want to wake anyone up? I guess you weren"t going to say goodbye to me?" he says forcefully.
"Like I said, I didn"t want to wake you up ... I thought you were in your room already asleep. I would have called you tomorrow."
He scoffs at me, "Yeah, like I"m going to believe that. Listen, Harp, I don"t know what happened with your mom or what tonight was about, but I really wish you would stay and talk to me."
"I love you Connor, but I can"t talk to you or anybody about this. I just ... I just need some time to figure everything out. Ok?" I ask, looking up at him.
"Ok, but I"m here for you," he says coming closer and pulling me into a hug, "I am always here for you. I love you."
He pulls my face to his and kisses me sweetly.
Ugh.
He"s making this so much harder for me. Every time we kiss it"s different and exciting and tender all at the same time. I kiss him back-this may be my last chance. I need to get away from him and luckily the headlights from my mom"s car shine brightly into the sitting room.
When I pull away there are tears welling in my eyes. I take my hand and cup Connor"s cheek, "I love you so much," I say, the tears escaping, "You are so wonderful, but I need to go ... I need some time."
I see the confusion on his face. As he starts processing what I just said, the look in his eyes breaks me and I pull the front door open, needing to get out of here fast.
"Harp, wait, what are you doing?"
I can"t answer. I keep my head down as I reach my mom"s car and throw my bags in the trunk.
I start to walk to the pa.s.senger door when Connor grabs my arm and turns me to face him, now clutching both of my arms. As emotionless as I try to be, traitorous tears cascade down my face as the realization of what I really meant seeps into his face.
"You need time from me? Why? I don"t understand ... what did I do?"
I sniffle and look at him, "You didn"t do anything, this is about me. I need some time ... on my own."
I move away from his grasp and open the pa.s.senger door, but right before I get in, I look back at him and see tears rolling down his face too.
"I love you Connor, more than you will ever know," I whisper in his ear before kissing him on the cheek. I slide into my seat urging my mom to drive away quickly and she does. We"re home in no time and I"m in my room lying on my bed, when she knocks on the door and opens it before I can send her away.
"Hi ... I thought I"d see how you"re doing." she says concerned.
"I"m fine but I just need some time alone, ok?"
"Ok, but what happened? Connor looked devastated when you got in the car."
I shut my eyes to control the tears swelling again, but it doesn"t work because as soon as my eyes are shut, all I see are images of Connor"s face in my head. She"s right, I broke him tonight. I take a deep breath and get myself under control before answering her.
"We just need some time away from each other. It"s no big deal. He"ll get over it and find someone better for him."
"I know I"m new to this whole mothering thing, but even I can see how much you love each other. Don"t turn your back on that, baby girl."
My sorrow has now turned to anger and I clench my hands into fists before sitting up.
"First of all, don"t talk about me and Connor. We. Are. Done. Got it?" I spit out watching her pale at my harsh words. "Secondly, I am not your baby girl. I am nothing more than an unwanted child of a rapist and abusive mother. The only reason why I"m here is because I have nowhere else to go. Now Get Out!"
I"m so p.i.s.sed I"m shaking. I can"t believe her. She heeds my warning and leaves me in my room. I spend the rest of the night bouncing between anger and sadness. I think about everything my mom told me along with everything Alex said to me. When I"m done replaying those things, I think about Connor. And for more torture, I remember all the good times we"ve had over the years.
As I remember one memory, I remember another and another. Soon I"m shaking with sadness and despair.
I don"t know when I fall asleep but I wake up at noon the next day. My whole body hurts, especially my head. I get up, shower and take some Advil before returning to my room. I pick up my phone and see missed calls from Connor, Ethan, and Emma along with text messages from all of them. It doesn"t surprise me that Connor told them what happened, but it"s going to make school tomorrow so uncomfortable.
I"m woken up by a noise and look around noticing that it"s dark outside, before realizing the noise is someone knocking at my door. I get up and open the door to see my mom standing in the doorway.
"I made some dinner, I thought I"d see if you want any?" she asks.
I shake my head no and start to shut the door. I just want to crawl back into bed and sleep forever.
"Harp, you have to eat something, you"ve been in here all day and you look like h.e.l.l."
"No, mother, I don"t have to do anything I don"t want to do. And right now, I don"t want to eat. I want to go back to sleep." I tell her before shutting the door in her face. When I"m back in the safety and comfort of my bed, it doesn"t take long before I become numb and fall back asleep.
I wake up to the sound of my alarm going off. I hate that I"m so d.a.m.n responsible because I would love to sleep the rest of the day away. You know what, I think I will. Screw it. I"ve never skipped school and I rarely miss because I"m sick. I get up to look for my mom so she can call into school for me.
"Oh good, you"re up. You"d better hurry and get ready so you"re not late," she says as I enter the kitchen.
"Thanks for stating the obvious, but I"m not going today. You need to call and tell them I"m sick."
"Are you?"
"What?"
"Sick," she says c.o.c.king her head to the side.
"Are you going to call them?"
"I"m not calling into school today just so you can skip. You can"t run away from this Harp, trust me, I know because I"ve been running for a long, long time. It doesn"t work."
"Thanks for the advice mommy dearest, but I think it would be in your best interest to call into school for me today. It"s not like I"ve asked you for a whole h.e.l.luva lot, so I think you can manage to do one small favor for me, don"t cha think?" I throw over my shoulder as I lay down on the couch.
I know that was a low blow, but I don"t care. My words must have hit their target because she stands in front of me a few minutes later.
"I will call in for you, but this is the one and only time I will do it. At some point you are going to have to stop punishing me Harp. I"ve finally started coming to terms with the fact that I can"t take back what I"ve done to you, and am moving forward with my life. I hope you can do the same for your sake," she says before leaving for work.
Whatever. I lay on the couch all day shifting between naps and watching bad daytime TV. When my mom pulls into the driveway I go to my room. I cannot deal with her right now. I spend a few hours listening to some of my favorite cla.s.sical pieces and that helps me feel better before she opens my door.
"Thanks for knocking. What do you want?"
She rolls her eyes, "I did knock but you didn"t hear me with your ear-buds in. I came to tell you dinner is ready. I think it would be good for you to eat something."
"Thanks, but I"m not interested. You can shut my door now."
"This isn"t a negotiation. You are going to eat something. Let"s go"
Ugh.I.Hate.Her.
I roll my eyes and stalk after her to the kitchen. She"s made spaghetti with garlic bread and even though I don"t want to admit it, it looks and smells really good. Thankfully, she doesn"t say anything else and I stuff a few bites in my mouth before excusing myself from the table to go back to my room. When I"m in the hall, my mom calls after me and I stop.
"Oh Harp, I almost forgot to tell you ... the school nurse called today to see how you were feeling and asked if I thought you"d be cleared to go back to school tomorrow." she pauses.
I clear my throat, "And ...."
"And, I told her you just had a little twenty-four hour bug and since you were feeling much better, you will be back in school tomorrow."
c.r.a.p. I slam my door shut and put my music back on until I fall asleep.
I wake up to my alarm again and groan. I soak under the hot water and feel the tension between my shoulders fade as I give myself a pep talk. School is good. Routine is good. Music is good. Just focus on the good stuff and it will be fine. You will get through this; just take it one day at a time.
Once I"m dressed and ready to go, I realize I have no idea how I"m getting there since Connor always takes me. c.r.a.p. I really don"t want to ask my mom for a ride, but I don"t think there"s another option. I don"t even know where the bus stop is.
I go to the kitchen and see her sipping coffee and reading the paper. Everything about this scene seems so normal until I remember that it"s not. I clear my throat and she looks up at me expectantly.
"Um ... well, um ...," I stumble on my words. I take a deep breath and look at her, "I need a ride to school. Can you take me?"
A smile spreads across her face, "I"d love to. What time do you need to leave?"
"In about ten minutes," I say relieved.
"Sounds good. I"ll just put my coffee in a thermos and brush my teeth so we can go."
I nod as she pours her coffee into a travel mug. I reach into the pantry and grab a handful of granola bars. I know I won"t be eating lunch in the cafeteria today. There"s no way I can face everyone.
We sit in silence during the drive. When I"m about to get out she puts her hand on my arm, "Do you need me to pick you up tonight?"
Ugh. I hadn"t thought about that either.
"Yeah, thanks. I"m usually done with practice around five ... what time can you pick me up?"
"I can be here by five-thirty."
"Ok-that"s fine. I"ll meet you out here, thanks." I say before shutting my door and going to my locker.
This is what I"m dreading the most and for good reason. I round the corner and see Connor at his locker. I take a deep breath and repeat my pep talk. On the way to my locker I get a few looks from some of the girls. News of our break up must have spread fast. c.r.a.p. I hadn"t thought about that either, but now that I"m out of the picture I will have to watch girls throw themselves at Connor. I push that thought from my head as I walk up to my locker ignoring them all. I pull out what I need for the next two periods, when Connor shuts his locker and leans against it with his arms across his chest.
I try so hard not to look at him, but my body betrays me, it lights up for him when he"s near. Now that we are face to face, I don"t know what to do. I look at him and see dark circles under his eyes and his face looks worn and thin. I can hear whispering from the people shuffling around us. I turn to go to English but his voice stops me in my tracks.
"I don"t exactly know what"s going on with you, but Ethan told me everything that happened Sat.u.r.day. I"m here for you when you"re ready to talk. But, in the meantime, we don"t have much school left Harp, and we both know how much you have at stake here."
I"m frozen in place, until he walks by me on the way to English. He"s right of course skipping was stupid, but it sounded like a good idea at the time.
I suffer sitting next to Connor during English, but once the bell rings I"m out the door before he even gets up. I breeze through my next cla.s.s, only tuning out the teacher once to think about Connor. I happily walk to Orchestra and feel relaxed thinking about playing my cello, when I run into something hard.
I have got to start paying attention to where I am going.
When I look up I see that I"ve run into Vincent and he has a smirk on his face.
"I"m so sorry to hear about you and Ken doll," he says with mock sympathy while playing with a piece of my hair. I roll my eyes at him and start to walk away, but he pulls me back to face him.
"I wasn"t done," he smirks.
"Well, I was Vincent. You can let me go now."
"I don"t think so. Why don"t you go out with me Friday night?"
"Never." I tell him.
He chuckles at me, "Oh, come on, I don"t bite ... unless you want me too."
G.o.d this guy is disgusting.
"I know you think you"re too good for me, but I"ve got news for you ... you"re not. Now that Ken doll is done slumming it with you, it won"t take him long to find a hotter girl to be with."