"I know. I wonder why no wise young ostrich didn"t tell the older ones that it just didn"t work as a policy."
"They probably tried, but the elder ostriches said, "Nonsense, nonsense," so they gave up in the end."
"Have you wanted to say something to me about Gran?"
"No. I don"t see a thing wrong with her. You"re the one who is always whining and shuddering when Gran says something off the wall. I love it. I think it"s cool."
"You didn"t know her when she was as sharp as a stick."
"She still is in lots of ways. Here she is in bed with a mug of drinking chocolate and you and I are in here fussing ourselves to death over her. Who"s sharp here, I ask?"
"I hate to see her losing it."
"She"s a really old ostrich, Mam. She"s ent.i.tled to lose bits here and there."
"At work they tell me that I should-"
"We can manage, Mam. I"ll take more home tuition and go out less."
"I can"t ask you to put your life on hold."
"Is it on hold? I have a great life at night."
"Do you meet any nice girls?"
"I meet lots of girls, certainly, Mam, whether they are nice or not...now that"s the question."
"But is it a good place to meet them, in late-night clubs? I only ask out of concern for you, not because I"m interfering."
"You never interfered, Mam. You were always terrific."
"But you still can"t spend all your daylight hours looking after your grandmother," she said.
"Not all daylight hours, but a few more of them than I have been. I wouldn"t walk away from the house and leave her on her own again." He looked ruefully around their burned kitchen.
"Will we get any insurance, do you think?" Hilary wondered.
"Don"t know. Those insurance companies are monsters about defending their own. They"ll say Gran is a liability. I don"t think we should even think about approaching them, to be honest, for fear of what we might draw on ourselves."
"Like your gran being put into care, you mean?"
"Well, that"s up to us to decide, not some faceless insurance company to insist on. And the time hasn"t come yet."
Hilary felt flooded with relief. She had been so afraid that Nick would turn on her and ask her to be realistic, tell her that for everyone"s sake Gran should be looked after properly. And now it appeared that he was just as desperate as she was that Jessica should stay at home.
Hilary looked around the kitchen and smiled. What was it really but a few cupboards here and a lick of paint there? She could take on some extra bookkeeping work to pay for it. The main thing was that her mother had not been hurt or frightened.
She felt like jumping up and giving him a great clinging hug, but he would have said, "Get off me, Mam, you"re mental, you are." Instead she kept the conversation light. "You see, your generation is so lucky. You can more or less do what you like. We were all b.u.t.toned up and peculiar. Everything you ever read about us all back then was true."
"It was just different." Nick was forgiving. "You were obsessed by s.e.x because you didn"t get any. Now that it is all round the place, people are much more easygoing about it."
"And it is is all around the place, I imagine?" Hilary asked mildly. all around the place, I imagine?" Hilary asked mildly.
Hilary bought Ania a bright-colored scarf as a thank-you gift.
"Why do you thank me, Hilary?"
"Because you are doing so much of my work for me and you never complain. You are so bright, you know, you could do anything."
Ania was pink with pride and stroked the scarf as if it were the finest fabric in the world. "Tonight I write to my mother. I will tell her all about this gift," she said.
"You write every week?"
"Yes, I tell her about the new land where I live and all the people I meet."
"And do you tell your mother about your love life?" Hilary wondered.
"No, but then, I don"t have have any love life. I had too much love life when I was in Poland, but not now. Now I work so much I have no time for love." any love life. I had too much love life when I was in Poland, but not now. Now I work so much I have no time for love."
Hilary smiled. "That would be a pity. You know the expression about love making the world go around."
"Yes, but it turned my world upside down. I think perhaps I am wiser without it. Make money now and find love later."
"But suppose he came along. What would you do? Ask him to wait ten years?" Hilary asked.
"Not ten, surely. Five, maybe. I want to buy my mother a little shop with a place to live up the stairs and a place to work down the stairs. She is a dressmaker, you see. If she had a name over the door and some garments in the window, then she would have respect, then the people in the town would not pity her."
"I am sure they don"t pity her now, Ania."
"They do. They pity her because of me. I was so foolish. If only you knew. I made her such a disgrace in our part of the world. She could not lift up her head and look people in their eyes."
"Lord, what did you do, do, Ania?" Ania?"
"I believed a man who told me lies. You see, I thought if he said "I love you" he meant it."
"There"s women all over the world doing that all the time. Men too," Hilary said.
"But in your case your husband did did love you." love you."
"Yes, yes, but that was different, years and years ago. The world has changed so much now. You know, last night I was talking to my son about how much s.e.x there is all around the place. Imagine!"
"I imagine you would be a good person to talk to about such things. My mother never mentioned s.e.x. Never once to me. She was much too upset."
"And your sisters-did they talk to you?"
"No, because when it happened they were all so ashamed of me. They had married when they were seventeen or eighteen, both of them. They married the children of neighboring people. I had to love a man who came from miles away. A man who had come to our town to start a business."
"And did he?"
"For a while, yes. But he needed money, so he married the daughter of a rich man."
"Instead of you?"
"A dressmaker"s daughter with no father alive? But I thought he loved me." The girl"s eyes were very sad.
"Possibly he did, in his way. People love in different kinds of ways." Hilary was trying to console her.
"No, Marek never loved me. He just told me he did."
"My friends thought I was mad to marry Dan. Several of them told me. Even on the night before the wedding."
"But you were sure?"
"Yes, I was sure. And what"s more, my mother was sure, which is why I can never let her go into a place with strangers. You do see that, don"t you?"
"Of course you can"t. And I will do all I can to help you," Ania promised.
As Hilary went home at lunchtime she wondered how she could take Ania up on her offer. Maybe the girl would come one evening a week and sit with her mother. Or possibly go and make her lunch from time to time. Hilary could find the money that Ania badly needed to buy the little house with her mother"s name on it. The business premises that would give her respect.
When she got home a carpenter was already installed in the kitchen, sawing and hammering. Nick and Jessica were in the front room going through a photograph alb.u.m.
"That was your mother"s wedding day, Nick. Look how well he looks. It was one of the best days in our lives. In fact it was the the best day until you arrived." There they sat, companionably turning the pages, her mother making sense and Nick content in her company. Hilary breathed more easily. What was she worrying about? Her mother was fine. She didn"t need Ania or any carer. She certainly didn"t need to think about residential care. best day until you arrived." There they sat, companionably turning the pages, her mother making sense and Nick content in her company. Hilary breathed more easily. What was she worrying about? Her mother was fine. She didn"t need Ania or any carer. She certainly didn"t need to think about residential care.
Four days later her mother packed a bag and phoned a taxi to take her to the railway station. Nick had left just as Hilary came in, so there was n.o.body to ask what had brought this on. There was a lot of confusion when the taxi arrived and had to be sent away again.
"Where are you going, Mother?"
"To the south of England, to get your father to see sense and come home to us. He has a fine son here, Nick. It"s time he got to know the boy properly."
"Mother, Dad died. You remember. It was ages ago. He died and she she married her next-door neighbor." married her next-door neighbor."
"He must come back to his son."
"Nick is his grandson, Mother."
"No, that"s not so. Don"t you think I know my own family?"
"Nick is Dan"s son. You remember Dan? My lovely Dan who died in a lake."
"Stop telling me about all these people who are dead. I never heard of Dan."
"You did, Mother. You loved him. You were great to him. You told Nick that the day I married him was the second-best day in your life."
"You"re very emotional, Hilary. I don"t think this job suits you."
"Don"t leave me, Mother, please."
"Well, I can"t very well, can I? You"ve dismissed the taxi." Her mother looked very put out.
"Hold on a bit, Mother. I have to make a call." She went into her bedroom and called Nick on his mobile phone.
"What happened, Nick?"
"What do you mean?"
"Your grandmother. Did anything happen to upset her?"
"No, she was fine when I left. Is anything wrong?"
"She"s completely confused. She was going to go to England in a taxi."
"That would have cost a bit."
"Be serious for a moment. She"s babbling. She thinks you"re her son, not her grandson."
"Do you want me to come home?"
"Where are you?"
"I"m in a coffee shop having a cappuccino with a friend of mine. We were going to catch a movie and then I"m going to play in a club."
Hilary suddenly realized there was nothing Nick could do. He had done enough. She was flooded with guilt that she had bothered him.
"Listen, Nick, I"m sorry," she began. "Have a good time. Everything here is just fine."
Back in the kitchen, her mother was sitting watching her. Her eyes were far away.
Hilary didn"t sleep a wink that night. At breakfast the next day she apologized again to her son.
Nick shrugged. There was nothing to apologize for, he said. He would be at home all day with his gran. Of course Jessica was now absolutely calm and all was as normal.
At work in the clinic, Hilary knew she looked tired, and indeed Clara mentioned it, in a roundabout way.
"I think everyone"s tired these days. It must be the weather and the thought of all that Christmas fuss ahead," she said conversationally.
"I know, Clara-you don"t have to play games with me. There isn"t enough under-eye concealer in the world to wipe out the lines and blotches on my face."
"Is it your mother?" Clara asked.
"Of course it is. She has periods of complete confusion and then long days of perfect sanity. It"s a nightmare."
"What about a day center, Hilary?"
"Nick and I can manage."
"Just take her to the doctor for an a.s.sessment-Hilary, you know that"s what you should do."
"Offload my problems and decision making to someone else? I don"t think so."