Hegel's Confession

Memories came back in a tidal wave as I stared at the dark s.p.a.ce. It was about ten years ago, when my parents first died, that I seemed to have lost my soul. I would lock myself in my room, and I wasn’t afraid of the dark then.

I didn’t know when I became afraid of the night. I stopped wanting to stay indoors, which only reminded me of my parents, who were gone, and whom I’d never see again. Later on, I rented a small place and moved out, letting my wounds heal on their own.

 “Zhuxuan, are you okay?” A familiar voice came, making me look up.

Haoran was standing downstairs for I don’t know how long. His gaze was filled with worry for me. After I saw him, I lost control, the fear and grievance in my heart exploding. My soft cries turned into loud sobbing. Finally, I didn’t have to be afraid anymore, someone was here with me in the dark.

Haoran ran up next to me, maybe he was scared of how I looked. He held me tightly in his arms, “it’s okay, don’t be afraid. Don’t cry, tell me what’s wrong.”

His chest was so warm I could feel his heart beating. I started to calm down after my breakdown. Realizing my loss of control, I pushed him aside, “sorry, I...I’m fine.”

Seeing my improvement, Haoran took a deep breath. “If you’re okay, then why the tears? Why aren’t you inside your place?”

I could feel my face heating up at his questioning. It wasn’t shyness but awkwardness. I finally answered after biting my lips. “The lights are not on. I don’t know if it’s a blackout or something.”

Haoran seemed a little surprised, and the way he looked at me also looked more intense. He helped me up from the floor after a few seconds. “I’ll go check it out. Don’t be afraid, it’s okay.”

His comforting really worked, I could feel my tension and anxiety easing. I felt more awkward now. I could usually bicker with him at work, but after today, I’d feel a little sheepish.

Haoran came back very quickly. “Maybe it’s a tripped breaker or a broken circuit. We’ll ask someone to check tomorrow. Can you make do tonight?”

 “Make do?” I yelped. How was I supposed to spend the whole night in the dark? This wasn’t something I could make do, it was impossible for me.

He seemed to read my mind. Smiling, he said, “you’re afraid of the dark?”

I didn’t talk back, not knowing how to resolve the awkwardness. It’s a pointless comment anyway. Would I be like this if I wasn’t afraid of the dark?

I thought Haoran would ridicule me like the way I made fun of how he couldn’t eat spicy foods. But he surprised me. He grabbed keys from the shoe rack by the door, closed the door, and took me downstairs. He didn’t talk at all, and I was bewildered.

I didn’t realize what was happening until he opened his car door. “Where are we going?”

 “To a place with lights. Let’s go!” Haoran said casually, his expression was also very normal.

His att.i.tude made me feel better and gain a new impression of him. Maybe he was different from how I imagined him. It wasn’t until the car started that I realized my question. Didn’t he leave after driving me home? Why did he come upstairs for me? I asked him as I thought of this.

Haoran kept looking ahead and only glanced over when I asked. “I saw there were no lights in the hall, and no lights in your place either, so I thought maybe you were in trouble.”

 “Do... do you always wait to see if I got home alright?” I was shocked. I never realized he did this, I didn’t think he was so kind.

As I waited for his answer with a beating heart, he just nodded without explaining more. I raised my eyebrows, guessing that he probably waited for me to get upstairs out of habit. This way, if I forgot something in the car, it wouldn’t trouble him. I felt disappointed at my conclusion, feeling an odd emotion.

He didn’t talk anymore, and I was silent too. When the car stopped, I was still in my head, feeling an unnamed anger I couldn’t explain. I went from embarra.s.sed, to panicked, to awkward, and now I was mad.

 “Are you waiting for me to invite you out of the car?” Haoran opened the door, looking at me with some hidden meaning.

I stared at him, feeling better at his usual att.i.tude. Was I emotional because of him? Then I followed him as he walked; since I was still thinking, I didn’t notice where we were going. When we stopped, we were in front of the elevator, and I blurted. “Which floor is your place?”

“Eighth floor.” Haoran said as the elevator doors opened.

Eighth floor. I repeated as my steps slowed. “I think that I better take the stairs. It’s good exercise anyway.”

Haoran, who was about to walk into the elevator, stopped. “You sure?”

I nodded forcefully. The eighth floor is fine, if I wasn’t feeling weird, the tenth floor would be fine too. As I looked for the staircase and about to change direction, my body suddenly lost balance and almost toppled, then Haoran took me inside the elevator.

 “Are you hearing okay? I said I was taking the stairs.” I stared at him, feeling conflicted.

Haoran looked at me nonchalantly. He spread out his hands after pressing the b.u.t.ton for the eighth floor. “I was worried you’d get lost. The elevator is faster. I was also curious why you didn’t like elevators.” I always took the stairs at work, and only took elevators in an emergency.

I wanted to talk back but the elevator doors were closing. I closed my mouth and breathed deeply, and looked down at the ground. I told myself not to be nervous, that we’d get there soon. If it was an ordinary day, it’d be fine, I wouldn’t panic. But tonight, I had already lost control.

 “Are you alright?” Haoran witnessed my change from angry to terrified. Doubt flashed in his eyes.

I still stared at my feet and tried to talk as normal as possible. “Of course I’m okay, what could be wrong?”

After a few seconds, the elevator stopped. I relaxed. Good thing there’s no problems, otherwise I’d never be able to face Haoran after losing it so many times in front of him, never mind acting righteous. But after the elevator stopped, it shook a few times, making me yell, “oh no! What’s happening?”