"Will he go to-morrow?" thought Elizabeth, with a pang at her heart. "Oh, I wish -- no, I dare not wish -- that I had never been born! What am I to do with myself?"
Conscience suggested very quietly that something might be done; but Elizabeth bade conscience wait for another time, though granting all it advanced. She put that by, as she did Mrs. Nettley and Clam who both presently came where Winthrop had been standing, to make advances of a different nature.
"What"ll I do, Miss "Lizabeth?" said the latter, in a tone that argued a somewhat dismal view of affairs.
"Anything you can find to do."
"Can"t find nothin, --" said Clam, ""cept Karen. One corner of the house is filled enough with her; and the rest ha"n"t got nothin" in it."
"Let Karen alone, and take care of your own business, Clam."
"If I knowed what "twas," said the persevering damsel. "I can"t make the beds, for there ain"t none; nor set the furnitur to rights, for the rooms is "stressed empty."
"You can let me alone, at all events. The rooms will have something in them before long. You know what to do as well as any one; -- if you don"t, ask Mr. Landholm."
"Guess I will!" said Clam; "when I want to feel foolisher than I do. Did the furnitur come by the sloop?"
"No. Mr. Landholm will send some. I don"t care anything about it."
"Ha! then if _he"s_ goin" to send it," said Clam turning away, "the place "ll have to be ready for it, I s"pose."
Mrs. Nettley appeared in Clam"s place. Elizabeth was still sitting on the door-step, and though she knew by a side view that one had given place to the other, she did not seem to know it and sat looking straight before her at the sunny landscape.
"It"s a beautiful place," said Mrs. Nettley after a little pause of doubt.
"Very beautiful," said Elizabeth coldly.
"I did not know it was so beautiful. And a healthy place, I should suppose."
Elizabeth left the supposition unquestioned.
"You are sadly fatigued, Miss Haye," said Mrs. Nettley after a longer pause than before.
"I suppose I am," said Elizabeth rising, for patience had drawn her last breath; -- "I am going down by the water to rest. Don"t let any one follow me or call me -- I want nothing -- only to rest by myself."
And drawing her scarf round her, she strode through the rank gra.s.s to the foot of the lawn, and then between scattered rocks and sweetbriars and wild rose-bushes, to the fringe of cedar trees which there clothed the rocks down to the water.
Between and beneath them, just where she came out upon the river, an outlooking ma.s.s of granite spread itself smooth and wide enough to seat two or three people. The sun"s rays could not reach there, except through thick cedar boughs. Cedar trees and the fall of ground hid it from the house; and in front a clear opening gave her a view of the river and opposite sh.o.r.e, and of a cedar-covered point of her own land, outjutting a little distance further on. Solitude, silence, and beauty invited her gently; and Elizabeth threw herself down on the grey lichen-grown stone; but rest was not there.
"Rest!" -- she said to herself in great bitterness; -- "rest!
How can I rest? -- or where can there be rest for me? --"
And then pa.s.sionate nature took its will, and poured out to itself and drank all the deep draughts of pain that pa.s.sion alone can fill and refill for its own food. Elizabeth"s proud head bowed there, to the very rock she sat on. Yet the proud heart would not lay itself down as well; _that_ stood up to breast pain and wrestle with it, and take the full fierce power of the blast that came. Till nature was tired out, -- till the frame subsided from convulsions that racked it, into weary repose, -- so long the struggle lasted; and then the struggle was not ended, but only the forces on either side had lost the power of carrying it on. And then she sat, leaning against a cedar trunk that gave her its welcome support, which every member and muscle craved; not relieved, but with that curious respite from pain which the dulled senses take when they have borne suffering as long and as sharply as they can.
It was hot in the sun; but only a warm breath of summer air played about Elizabeth where she sat. The little waves of the river glittered and shone and rolled lazily down upon the channel, or curled up in rippling eddies towards the sh.o.r.e.
The sunlight was growing ardent upon the hills and the river; but over Elizabeth"s head the shade was still unbroken. A soft aromatic smell came from the cedars, now and then broken in upon by a faint puff of fresher air from the surface of the water. Hardly any sound, but the murmur of the ripple at the water"s edge and the cheruping of busy gra.s.shoppers upon the lawn. Now and then a locust did sing out; he only said it was August and that the sun was shining hot and sleepily everywhere but under the cedar trees. His song was irresistible. Elizabeth closed her eyes and listened to it, in a queer kind of luxurious rest-taking which was had because mind and body would have it. Pain was put away, in a sort; for the senses of pain were blurred. The aromatic smell of the evergreens was wafted about her; and then came a touch, a most gentle touch, of the south river-breeze upon her face; and then the long dreamy cry of the locust; and the soft plashing sound of the water at her feet. All Elizabeth"s faculties were crying for sleep; and sleep came, handed in by the locust and the summer air, and laid its kind touch of forgetfulness upon mind and body. At first she lost herself leaning against the cedar tree, waking up by turns to place herself better; and at last yielding to the overpowering influences without and within, she curled her head down upon a thick bed of moss at her side and gave herself up to such rest as she might.
What sort of rest? Only the rest of the body, which had made a truce with the mind for the purpose. A quiet which knew that storms were not over, but which would be quiet nevertheless.
Elizabeth felt that, in her intervals of half-consciousness.
But all the closer she clung to her pillow of dry moss. She had a dispensation from sorrow there. When her head left it, it would be to ache again. It should not ache now. Sweet moss!
-- sweet summer air! -- sweet sound of plashing water! -- sweet dreamy lullaby of the locust! -- Oh if they could put her to sleep for ever! -- sing pain out and joy in! --
A vague, half-realized notion of the fight that must be gone through before rest "for ever" could in any wise be hoped for -- of the things that must be gained and the things that must be lost before that "for ever" rest could in any sort be looked forward to, -- and dismissing the thought, Elizabeth blessed her fragrant moss pillow of Lethe and went to sleep again.
How she dreaded getting rested; how she longed for that overpowering fatigue and exhaustion of mind and body to prolong itself! And as the hours went on, she knew that she was getting rested, and that she would have to wake up to everything again by and by. It should not be at anybody"s bidding.
"Miss "Lizabeth! --" sounded Clam"s voice in the midst of her slumbers.
"Go away, Clam!" said the sleeper, without opening her eyes.
"Miss "Lizabeth, ain"t ye goin" to eat nothin"?"
"No -- Go away."
"Miss "Lizabeth! -- dinner"s ready."
"Well! --"
"You"re a goin" to kill yourself."
"Don"t _you_ kill me!" said Elizabeth impatiently. "Go off."
"To be sure," said Clam as she turned away, -- "there ain"t much company."
It was very vexing to be disturbed. But just as she was getting quiet again, came the tread of Mrs. Nettley"s foot behind her, and Elizabeth knew another colloquy was at hand.
"Are you asleep, Miss Haye?" said the good lady a little timidly.
"No," said Elizabeth lifting her head wearily, -- "I wish I were."
"There"s dinner got ready for you in the house."
"Let anybody eat it that can. -- I can"t."
"Wouldn"t you be better for taking a little something? I"m afraid you"ll give way if you do not."
"I don"t care," said Elizabeth. "Let me give way -- only let me alone!"
She curled her head down determinately again.
"I am afraid, Miss Haye, you will be ill," said poor Mrs.
Nettley.
"I am willing," -- said Elizabeth. "I don"t care about anything, but to be quiet! --"
Mrs. Nettley went off in despair; and Elizabeth in despair also, found that vexation had effectually driven away sleep.
In vain the locust sang and the moss smelled sweet; the tide of feeling had made head again, and back came a rush of disagreeable things, worse after worse; till Elizabeth"s brow quitted the moss pillow to be buried in her hands, and her half-quieted spirit shook anew with the fresh-raised tempest.
Exhaustion came back again; and thankfully she once more laid herself down to sleep and forgetfulness.