When Hu Lei fell asleep after a long and exciting day, the nightmares came with a frightful intensity. She rarely had dreamless rest. However, this time, it was completely overwhelming with images overlapping and forming a h.e.l.lish montage.Her mind drifted from her capture when she was eight years old to her time in Antarctica. The grotesque images of the children who had been with her then but had died combined with those of the deformed experimental subjects in that lab.
And then, she could hear her father calling, calling… He was covered in blood, and his bloodless lips were moving, whispering to her inaudible words. His vacant eyes seemed to pierce through her soul, causing her blood to be completely chilled.
She felt completely trapped, held hostage by the phantoms in her mind. She could not breathe. She was drowning, drowning…
"Xiao Lei, wake up."
Hu Lei heard the voice in the deep recesses of her dreams. However, she could not shake the ghosts that held her, unwilling to relinquish her to the land of the living. She tried to fight and reach to the voice. She wanted to call out, but everything seemed paralysed.
"It is okay, Xiao Lei. I am here." That comforting voice spoke again.
Slowly, Hu Lei recalled that sound. And then she remembered him. She felt like he was reaching out to her and pulling her out of the mire. He had been there when she had been lost and wandering. He had been there when she had been at death"s door.
Her mind began to clear up, and she opened her eyes. At her side, Zhong Feng was looking at her with concern and worry. Hu Lei threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly. She wanted to sob because she was afraid, so very afraid. However, she did not. It would not help her. It would not heal her.
All she could do was hold on in this moment. She would enjoy this warmth and the love he gave while she still had a mind sound enough to realise how lucky she was to have him. She rubbed her cheek against his bare chest while tightening her grip.
"Did you have another bad dream?" Zhong Feng asked while putting his arms around her, almost placing her entire body on his.
She nodded but did not say anything more. After a while, she spoke up.
"Ah-Feng, do you think that I am selfish? I got married to you even if I am like this." She asked in a small voice.
Zhong Feng rubbed her fragile back gently. He wondered if he had been wrong by taking her out for the day. It had been a while since she had had this type of episode.
"Mmmh, you are selfish. I couldn"t be happier about it." He responded while kissing her head.
"I am being serious." She pinched his waist a little, but a small smile appeared up on her face.
"I am serious too. I am happy that you chose to be selfish and be with me in spite of everything. I want you to keep being selfish and hold on to me forever. And I will do the same. I will never let you go." His words were spoken gently as he held her close.
Hu Lei buried her head deeper into his chest.
"I hope that you will remember your words." She said softly.
She was selfish. She knew that she did not deserve him. However, how could she let him go? She would never let him go. He had become a part of her soul. Even as she thought this, she could still feel that chill that had sunk deep into her while she had been trapped in her dreams.
She could feel that darkness crawling and seeping deeper into her mind. She knew that it was only a matter of time before everything fell apart.
After the dreams, she could not sleep. She was too afraid to let her guard down again. She waited until Zhong Feng fell asleep before slipping out. At least, she could get some work done. This time, she got her laptop from her apartment and sat down in the penthouse living room.
When she opened the draft of her new novel and reviewed the latest chapter, she noticed that there was something strange. The story had not changed, but there was definitely something different about it. She went back a few pages and found that something had changed.
It was almost as if someone had edited it, made it a little more gripping. It had more emotional depth and a certain dark quality that she had been trying to capture but could not.
When she had begun drafting this new novel, her goal had been to express the conflict she felt about her father. On one hand, she loved because he was her father and had cared for her when her own mother abandoned her. On the other hand, she hated him because he had made her lose so much, and she almost lost everything. Moreover, he died, leaving her sunken in anger, despair and guilt.
The actual novel was about a girl who was turned into a cybernetic organism by her father for his own gains. Unfortunately, Hu Lei was unable to tap into the darker emotions such as hatred. When she thought of her own father, she would feel a lot of negative emotions, but they were always tinged with grief.
Now, looking at the revised version, she could feel the rage, the abhorrence and the disgust that the cyborg girl had for her father. However, she was confused because no one could access her files except for herself.
Then, she remembered her blackout. Could it be that she had actually been writing and editing during that period? She thought of her other self. She did not like calling her "Jane" because ultimately, there was no Jane. Jane was Hu Lei, and Hu Lei was Jane.
Hu Lei felt conflicted about the independent actions of her other self. She remembered that conversation not too long ago in her mind. If she really had begun splitting into her two personas, where would that leave her? Who would she become?
However, when she read the new version of her book, she felt the weight in her heart become lighter. It felt like she had vented the anger towards her father just a little. She was also a slave to the art, and the revised copy was definitely better.
But if she continued splitting and disharmony formed between her two selves, things could get dangerous. She mulled over the problem for a while.
She took out her phone and sent a message to Doctor Shui, asking him to set up an appointment with the psychiatrist. If she called herself, it might be more difficult to get a slot. She did not like waiting in queues.
Naturally, she was not going to seek treatment for whatever ailed her mind. After all, she had not suddenly become open to the idea of therapy. However, she needed to understand some things before making important decisions about her life.
Next, she made a call to Russia.