"Nonsense!" she thought. "He was afraid of me--Yes, that"s it!--Of course, he was afraid of me. He loves me much, too much, and distrusts himself. He has gone away."
She commenced to laugh uneasily as she got into her carriage again.
"a.s.suredly, that is part of my fate. That stupid Guy leaves for Italy.
Rosas leaves for England. Steam was invented to admit of escape from dangerous women. I did not follow Lissac. What if I followed the duke?"
She shrugged her shoulders, and gnawed her cambric handkerchief under her veil, her head resting on the back of the coach, while the driver waited, standing on the sidewalk in front of the hotel, ignorant of the direction in which the young woman wished to go.
Marianne felt herself beaten. She was like a gambler who loses a decisive game. Evidently, Rosas only showed more clearly by the action he had taken, how much he was smitten; she measured his love by her own dismay; but what was the good of that love, if the duke escaped in a cowardly fashion?--But where could she find him? Where follow him? Where write to him?--A man who runs about as he does! A madman! Perhaps on arriving at Dover he had already re-embarked for j.a.pan or Australia.
"Ah! the unexpected happens, it seems," thought Marianne, laughing maliciously, as she considered the ludicrousness of her failure.
"Madame, we are going--?" indifferently asked the coachman, who was tired of waiting.
"Where you please--to the Bois!"
"Very good, madame."
He looked at his huge aluminum watch, coolly remarking:
"It was a quarter of twelve when I took Madame--"
"Good! good!--to the Bois!"
The movement of the carriage, the sight of the pa.s.sers-by, the sunlight playing on the fountains and the paving-stones of the Place de la Concorde fully occupied Marianne"s mind, although irritating her at the same time. All the cheerfulness attending the awakening spring, delightful as it is in Paris, seemed irony to her. She felt again, but with increased bitterness, all the sentiments she experienced a few mornings previously when she called on Guy and told him of her burdensome weariness and distaste of life. Of what use was she now? She had just built so many fond dreams on hope! And all her edifices had crumbled.
"All has to be recommenced. To lead the stupid life of a needy, lost, hara.s.sed woman; no, that is too ridiculous, too sad! What then--" she said to herself, as with fixed eyes she gazed into the infinite and discovered no solution.
She was savagely annoyed at Rosas. She would have liked to tear him in pieces like the handkerchief that she shredded. Ah! if he should ever return to her after this flight!
But perhaps it was not a flight--who knows? The duke would write, would perhaps reappear.
"No," a secret voice whispered to Marianne. "The truth is that he is afraid of you! It is you, you, whom he flees from."
To renounce everything was enough to banish all patience. Yesterday, on leaving Rosas, she believed herself to be withdrawn forever from the wretched Bohemian life she had so painfully endured. To-day, she felt herself sunk deeper in its mire. Too much mire and misery at last!
However, if she only had courage!
It was while looking at the great blue lake, the snowy swans, the gleaming barks, that she dreamed, as she had just told Vaudrey, of making an end of all. Madness, worse than that, stupidity! One does not kill one"s self at her age; one does not make of beauty a valueless draft. In order to occupy herself, she had bought some brown bread, which she mechanically threw to the ducks, in order to draw her out of herself. It was then that Sulpice saw her.
"a.s.suredly," she thought, as she left the minister, "those who despair are idiots!"
In fact, it seemed that chance, as her fingers had cast mouthfuls of bread to the hungry bills, had thrown Vaudrey to her in place of Rosas.
A minister! that young man who smiled on her just now in the alleys of the Bois and drew near her with trembling breath was a minister. A minister as popular as Vaudrey was a power, and since Marianne, weary of seeking love, was pursuing an actuality quite as difficult to obtain--riches, Sulpice unquestionably was not to be despised.
"As a last resource, one might find worse," thought Marianne, as she entered her home.
She had not, moreover, hesitated long. She was not in the mood for prolonged anger. She was at an age when prompt decisions must be made on every occasion that life, with its harsh spurs, proposed a problem or furnished an opportunity. On the way between the Lake and Rue de Navarin, Marianne had formed her plan. Since she had to reply to Vaudrey, she would write him. She felt an ardent desire to avenge herself for Rosas"s treatment, as if he ought to suffer therefor, as if he were about to know that Sulpice loved her.
Had she found the duke awaiting her, as she entered the house, she would have been quite capable of lashing his face with a whip, while making the lying confession:
"Ah! you here? It is too late! I love Monsieur Vaudrey."
She would, moreover, never know any but gloomy feelings arising from her poverty in that house. The thought suggested itself to her of at once inviting Vaudrey to call on her. But surrounded by the vulgar appointments of that poor, almost bare, studio, concealing her poverty under worn-out hangings, indifferent studies, old, yellowed casts covered with dust--to receive Vaudrey there would be to confess her terribly straitened condition, her necessities, her eagerness, all that repels and freezes love. In glancing around her uncle"s studio, she scrutinized everything with an expression of hatred.
It smacked of dirty poverty, bourgeois ugliness. She would never dare to ask Vaudrey to sit upon that divan, which was littered with old, torn books and tobacco grains, and which, when one sat upon it, discharged a cloud of dust whose atoms danced in the sunlight.
"What are you looking at?" asked Kayser, as he followed his niece"s glances about the room. "You seem to be making an inspection."
"Precisely. And I am thinking that your studio would not fetch a very high figure at Drouot"s auction mart."
"Lofty and moral creations don"t sell in times like these," gravely replied the old dauber. "For myself, I am not a painter of obscene subjects and lewd photography."
Marianne shrugged her shoulders and went out, coughing involuntarily.
Old Kayser pa.s.sed his time steeped in the odors of nicotine.
"I am lost, if Vaudrey comes here," she said to herself.
She knew well enough that caprice, the love of those who do not love, lives on luxury, intoxicating perfumes, shimmering silk, and all the mysterious surroundings of draperies which are the accompaniment of the adventure. Vaudrey would recoil before this Bohemian studio. The famous "nimbus," of which Kayser spoke, was the creature of his tobacco smoke.
What was to be done, then? Receive the minister yonder in that remote apartment where, all alone,--it was true--she went to dream, dream with all the strange joys attending isolation? Draw this man to a distant corner of Paris, in the midst of the ruins of former luxury, as mean as the wretch"s studio?--Eh! that was to acknowledge to Vaudrey that she was intriguing for a liaison with the single object of quitting the prison-walls of want. She realized that this man, full of illusions, believing that he had to do with perhaps a virtuous girl, or, at least, one who was not moving in her own circle, who was giving herself, but not selling herself, would shrink at the reality on finding himself face to face with an adventuress.
"Illusion is everything! He must be deceived! They are all stupid!" she mused.
But how was she to deceive this man as to her condition, how cloak her want, how cause herself to pa.s.s for what she was not? With Rosas it would have been a simple matter. Poor, she presented herself to him in her poverty. He loved her so. She could the better mislead him. But with Vaudrey, on the contrary, she must dazzle.
"Two innocents," Marianne said to herself, "the one thirsts for virtue, the other for vice."
Should she confess everything to Sulpice as she had done to Rosas? Yes, perhaps, if she discovered no better way, but a better plan had to be found, sought, or invented. Find what? Borrow? Ask? Whom? Guy? She would not dare to do so, even supposing that Lissac was sufficiently well off.
Then she wished to keep up appearances, even in Guy"s eyes. Further, she had never forgiven him for running off to Italy. She never would forget it. No, no, she would ask nothing from Guy.
To whom, then, should she apply? She again found herself in the frightful extremity of those who, in that almost limitless Paris, involved in the terrible intricacies of that madly-directed machine, seek money, a loan, some help, an outstretched hand, but who find nothing, not an effort to help them in all its crowd. She was overcome with rage and hatred. Nothing! she had nothing! She would have sold herself to any person whatsoever, to have speedily obtained a few of the luxuries she required. Yes; sold herself now, to sell herself more dearly to-morrow.
Sold! Suddenly from the depths of her memory she recalled a form, confused at first, but quickly remembered vividly, of an old woman against whom she had formerly jostled, in the chance life she had led, and who, once beautiful, and still clever and rich, it was said, had been seized with a friendly desire to protect Marianne. It was a long time since the young woman had thought of Claire Dujarrier. She met her occasionally, her white locks hidden under a copious layer of golden powder, looking as yellow as sawdust. The old woman had said to her:
"Whenever you need advice or a.s.sistance, do not forget my address: Rue La Fontaine, Auteuil."
Marianne had thanked her at the time, and had forgotten all about it till now, when in the anguish of her pursuit she recalled the name and features of Claire Dujarrier as from the memories of yesterday. Claire Dujarrier, a former danseuse, whose black eyes, diamonds, wild extravagance, and love adventures were notorious formerly, had for the last two or three years buried herself in a little house, fearing that she would be a.s.sa.s.sinated; she kept her diamonds in iron-lined safes built in the wall, and had a young lover, a clerk in a novelty store, who was stronger than a market-house porter, and who from time to time a.s.sumed a high tone and before whom she stood in awe.
"Claire Dujarrier! The very thing!--Why not?" thought Marianne.
She had been introduced to the ex-danseuse by Guy de Lissac. He was considered as one of Claire"s old lovers. They quarrelled when the old dame had heard one of Guy"s bons mots that had become familiar at the Club:
"When I see her, I always feel a slight emotion: she recalls my youth to me!--But alas! not hers!"
Claire was well-off and perhaps miserly. Marianne instinctively felt, however, that she would get help at her hands.
Money!
"I will return her all! It is usury. Her pledge is here!"