"She needs me to love her."
"You do."
He shook his head. "No, I don"t. I won"t love her."
"Didn"t you learn anything? You don"t get a choice about loving someone, Jordan. It just happens, then you have to deal with it. Can"t you see you"ve loved her from the first moment you set eyes on the girl?"
"No." He turned away. Not love. Never love. He knew the danger, the price love extracted. He"d felt the cold blade of love, and knew the damage inherent in the emotion.
"There"s no fool like an old fool," Louise muttered, and left the room.
Jordan was alone in the silence. He listened to it and wondered how long it would take for him to forget the woman he"d lost.
Jordan felt like a fifth-grader being called to the princ.i.p.al"s office. He stood in front of the fireplace, facing his three brothers and Austin.
Kyle threw himself on the sofa and raised his hands toward the heavens. "You talk to him," he said in disgust. "He"s not listening to a word I"m saying."
"I"m listening," Jordan explained patiently. "I agree with your point. However, nothing has changed."
Travis paced from the Christmas tree to the far wall. "Everything has changed, Jordan. That"s the point. We"re all different. Ten years ago - h.e.l.l, five years ago - I would have agreed with you. Loving someone was a terrifying thought. None of us knew how to have a relationship. Dad really screwed us up inside. But we"ve all learned to take a chance. That"s what this is about. When you find someone special, you have to be willing to take risks."
Jordan frowned. He appreciated what they were trying to do, but they didn"t understand the situation. They didn"t know the real truth. It had been easier for them.
Yet a small voice in the back of his mind reminded him that he wanted his brothers to convince him. He wanted to believe. In the seven days Holly had been gone, he"d learned that surviving without her was nearly impossible. He couldn"t stop thinking about her. He needed to hear her voice, her laughter. He needed to hold her and touch her; he needed to explain how empty his world was without her. He even missed the d.a.m.n cat.
"We"ve all let the past go," Travis said. "You"ve got to do the same."
"It"s not that simple," a woman said.
Jordan glanced up at the newcomer. Louise entered the living room and looked at him.
"You didn"t tell them, did you?" she asked.
He shook his head.
"Why not?"
"It"s your secret," he said. "It wasn"t mine to share."
She wore a cobalt blue blouse that brought out the color in her eyes. But her face was pale, and her mouth pulled into a straight line.
"The time for secrets is over," she said. "Travis, have a seat." She motioned to the sofas.
Austin and Craig sat in one. Travis joined Kyle in the other. Louise stood in front of the men and clasped her hands loosely together. Jordan moved behind her and squeezed her shoulders. She gave him a brief smile that didn"t quite take, then drew in a breath.
"Twenty-nine years ago, when I was seventeen, I had an affair with Earl Haynes."
As she told the story, Jordan walked over and stared at the Christmas tree. There were ornaments from his childhood and several Victorian decorations that Holly had brought. He touched an old-fashioned Santa and remembered her laughing as she"d placed it on the tree. Somehow in a few short weeks she"d woven herself into the fabric of his life. Short of unraveling everything into a pile of string, he didn"t know how he was going to let her go.
His brothers listened quietly. Jordan watched the different emotions play across their faces. Confusion, surprise, concern. He didn"t see any anger. None of them blamed Louise.
"You"re saying we have a sister?" Craig asked when she was finished.
"Half sister."
Travis grinned. "Hot d.a.m.n."
Kyle bounced to his feet. "Hey, I"m not the youngest anymore."
"Where is she?" Craig asked, also getting to his feet.
"Have you been in touch with her?" Kyle asked.
Louise held up her hands. "One at a time. No, I haven"t been in touch with her. I gave her up for adoption. I don"t know where she is."
Travis glanced at his brothers. "We have to find her. I know a good private detective. Let"s go down to the station and give him a call."
Kyle linked his arm through Louise"s and headed for the door. "Do you know her name? Maybe we can trace her through the computer."
Craig joined them. "I have a couple of friends with federal agencies. They can help, too. We"ll find her, Louise. Then you can invite her home."
They were still talking when the front door closed behind them.
"How do you feel about having a half sister?" Austin asked.
Jordan turned. His friend still sat on the sofa. "I thought you left with the rest of them."
Austin shrugged. "Your problem never got resolved."
"Maybe there isn"t a solution."
"Maybe." The other man wore his hair long, and he had an earring in one ear. Compared to the clean-cut Haynes brothers, he was an outlaw. But he was family, so they teased him about his wild ways and accepted him into the fold.
Austin stretched his long legs out in front of him and stared at his black cowboy boots. "You"re afraid," he said flatly. "That"s what this is all about."
"Bull."
"Deny it all you want, it doesn"t change the truth. I know, Jordan. I recognize the symptoms." Austin glanced up. His dark eyes didn"t give anything away. "I never wanted to care about Rebecca. Sure, I knew who she was. I even knew she had a crush on me. But I wasn"t going to get involved. Not with an innocent like her."
Jordan thought about Holly"s innocence. She"d been a virgin. Now that was gone. He couldn"t replace what he"d taken.
"Then one day she was in my life," Austin continued. "Soaking wet and dripping in my garage. I couldn"t turn her away and in the end I couldn"t resist her."
"Do you have a point?" Jordan asked, perching on the far end of the sofa.
"Yeah, I do." Austin shifted, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. He laced his fingers together. "The worst part is the unknown. The pain of being alone, the loneliness, is familiar. You"ve dealt with that. You understand it. But loving someone, risking everything, is unknown. There"s no way to know how bad it"s going to be. You barely survive the pain of being alone, so how can you deal with anything worse? So you don"t bother to try."