She searched his face, waiting, but he was finished. The joy faded slowly, like a rainbow disappearing into the mist. At first you weren"t sure it was going, then the edges blurred and it was gone. In the end there was only the memory of how beautiful it had been.
He wanted to marry her, but he hadn"t said a word about his feelings for her.
"Commitment without love?" she asked, pleased that her voice sounded steady.
"I would honor you," he said, cupping her face in his hands. "I would be a faithful and giving husband."
Almost, she thought sadly. Almost like love, but not exactly the same thing.
"I care about you," he told her.
She nodded. Caring. "I appreciate that. You like me and I"m glad. I like you, too." She pulled away from him, then slowly got to her feet. Her mind was spinning. She didn"t know what to think. It had happened too fast.
Marriage to Jordan. She"d been dreaming of it since the moment she realized she loved him. He was offering her everything she wanted ... almost. She could make love with him, share his bed, his life, have his children. She could be accepted by the loving embrace of his family. She could belong.
But he wouldn"t love her. He would never know the down-to-the-bone, heart-filling emotion of love. He would never dream about her the way she dreamed about him.
"Holly?"
She laughed softly, wondering if the sound covered her pain. "You"re right," she said. "About everything. We would do well together. Mutual affection and respect. Many marriages survive on less. There"s only one problem." She looked at him and shrugged. "I changed the rules."
"What are you saying?"
"I"m not sure. I-" She broke off, not sure how much to confess. "I was so afraid to trust anyone. Everyone had let me down. Then you came along with your good looks and your smile. You drew me in, and I never had a chance. You offered me everything I"d ever wanted. I found myself trusting you."
His expression didn"t change, but suddenly she didn"t know what he was thinking. It was probably better that way, she told herself. Better for both of them.
"I"ve only ever asked for three things in my life," she said. "First, when I was fifteen, I asked my boyfriend to understand when I couldn"t go with him to the dance because my mother was sick."
"He dumped you," Jordan said flatly. His hands tightened into fists.
She nodded. "Then I asked my father for money to help with my mom"s medical expenses. You know what happened there."
"What"s the third?"
"I asked my mother not to die and leave me. She did." Tears threatened, but she fought them back. "Now I want a fourth thing. I want a miracle." She drew in a steadying breath. She was probably only going to get to say this once in her life. She wasn"t going to chicken out and miss the opportunity.
"I love you, Jordan. You"re honorable and kind, loving, smart, funny. You"re a good man. You make my knees weak and my heart beat faster. I love you, but I won"t marry you. Not unless you can honestly say you love me back."
Chapter 16.
H olly sipped her coffee and tried to hold back her tears. She"d been up most of the night crying, and she felt as attractive and puffy as a wet sponge. If she held her head up and blinked steadily, she could get a little control, although the pain in her chest wasn"t going away. At first she hadn"t been able to identify the sharp ache, but she"d finally figured it out.
Jordan had broken her heart.
Oh, he hadn"t meant to. His proposal had been genuine and sincere. He thought they could have a good life together. Maybe that"s what made it worse. If he didn"t care at all, then she could tell herself it was just a crush and she would get over it. But he did have feelings for her. Unfortunately he didn"t love her. She felt as if she"d made the finals in one of life"s most important events only to be told she didn"t have whatever it took to win. There she was, Holly Garrett, first runner-up in the game of love.
Louise came into the kitchen. She"d reverted to her brightly colored clothes. In honor of the holiday season, she wore scarlet fitted trousers and a green patterned shirt. Three-inch plastic Christmas trees dangled from each ear.
She walked to the coffeepot and poured herself a cup. "You want to talk about it, or do you want me to leave and pretend I didn"t see you?" she asked without turning around.
Holly rested her elbows on the kitchen table in front of her. "You can ignore me," she said.
Louise turned and glanced at her. "I don"t think so, honey. You look a little too miserable to be left alone." She crossed the room and pulled out the chair next to Holly"s. "Tell me what happened."
"I-" Fresh tears started down her cheeks. She swept them away, then tried to smile. "Christmas is supposed to be a happy time, yet here I am crying. Pretty silly, huh?"
Louise patted her hand. "Not at all. Life goes on, even if it is the holidays. Sometimes I think all the celebrating makes it worse. We"re dealing with old memories, childhood dreams. You"ve got every right to be a little weepy."
Holly nodded. She appreciated the other woman"s counsel. At times like this she missed her mother even more than usual. She, Holly, didn"t understand life and men. She wasn"t sure she understood all the questions, let alone had any answers.
"Jordan asked me to marry him," she said softly.
"Congratulations, child. He"s not the Haynes brother I would have picked, but I know you have a soft spot for him." She looked closer at Holly and frowned. "You don"t look very happy, though. Didn"t you accept?"
"I couldn"t. I-" She cleared her throat, then stared into her cup of coffee. "He doesn"t love me."
"What?" Louise sounded outraged.
The tears started again. This time Holly let them fall down her cheeks. "He doesn"t love me. He said he likes me and cares about me, that we get along well together and that we could have a happy marriage." She paused to swallow a sob. "I want more. I want him to love me with all his heart. Am I crazy, Louise? I tell myself I"m a child wishing for the moon. Jordan is a good man. He treats me like a princess." She pressed her lips tightly together and fought the tears.
"Oh, honey." Louise shifted her chair closer, then hugged Holly and drew her close. "I understand."
"I l-love him."
"I know. You"ve loved him from the beginning, haven"t you? You came in here all innocent and lost your heart to him. I"m so sorry."
Holly leaned against Louise. The housekeeper wasn"t her mother, but it felt nice to be comforted. "It"s not your fault," she whispered. "It"s no one"s fault."
"It"s mine. He knows what his father did, what he wanted, and that changed him."
Holly raised her head. "That was a long time ago."
"Jordan hasn"t forgotten."
"Louise, you didn"t ask Earl Haynes to divorce his wife."
"The result is the same, as if I did."
"You"re blaming yourself for something that isn"t your fault."
Louise was quiet for a minute. Her blue eyes darkened, and the lines around her eyes and mouth deepened. "I wish I could believe you were right, but in my heart I know the truth. Jordan was scarred that day. You forget I"ve known the Haynes brothers for years. I know that Craig was too responsible, that Travis worried about not being a good father, and Kyle wondered if he would ever grow up enough to care about someone else. I even know that Austin believed himself to be unlovable. And Jordan..." She drew in a deep breath. "Jordan is the most difficult of all."
"Jordan believes love hurts," Holly whispered.
"Yes, he does. He"s wrong, of course. All he has to do is look around his family and see all the good that love has brought them. But he"s stubborn, like most men."